You can go almost anywhere fitness related and read about “LOL, CURL IN TEH SQUAT RACK!” types and other annoying people you encounter in the real world at the gym. Fuck that. That would be like writing an article about the lulzy rejects you’d see at shows. What’s the fun in that?
Yeah, sure, you can see these people, but like anything else, the internet has an amplification effect on human interaction. You get the average beardo metalfag at a show, and unless his ’tism is acting particularly up that day, he’ll spare you the lectures. Get that same guy behind a keyboard 15 minutes later, and it’s rant city about how and why everything you like is not only wrong but evil.
Same with the gym. You might hear some idiot bro talk his ignorant wisdom in the gym, but he’ll usually be pretty mild about it and still be open to the input of others.
Internet fitness culture gets even more condensed on youtube. There you have wizard-level geniuses, retards, lying retards, lying retarded betas who think ghosts live in their stomachs, nice people whom I have no quarrel with (please don’t hurt me, CT), brolosophers so intense watching their videos will make you want to suplex a rhino, shit that hits a little too close to home, and guys who if they didn’t take up lifting would be socially awkward butthurt atheists (though I like how he shits on CrossFit and Elliott Hulse).
Dom Mazzetti, one of the few youtube fitness community members who isn’t either a crazy person or boring. Why won’t this gif work? Fuck it, click on it for the next great Misc gif.
All those people, despite whatever faults they have, still have their shit together enough to have successful youtube channels. The real paydirt is on those places where aspiring lifters go for advice: blogs and messageboards. And so our journey begins.
1. Bro-ignorant mesomorphs
Di…did you just ask for advice for putting on quality mass, you skinny fggt? IN MY HOUSE!? AW HELL NAW!
Bro-ignorant mesomorphs are ubiquitous on the internet. Most of the time, they’re fairly big, and fairly lean. They have absolutely no idea how they got there because they’re natural mesomosphs and have always been bigger and leaner than you and are likely also on some bunk balonie hormones. Anything would have worked for this guy, but he knows the secrets that will help you overcome.
Are you having trouble with your routine? Ask one of these guys. Contradictory advice is their calling card.
It’s too basic, you need to add more accessory work. If your routine already has a lot of accessory work in it, then you’re a fucking homo and you need to stop with all this homo bodybuilding shit and get back to the basics and SQUAT AND EAT OATZ MOAR. Fuck counting macros, that’s also holding you back. You just need to work harder. Like he did.
To visualize a bro-ignorant meso, imagine that guy at your gym that weighs 230 pounds and deadlifts 225 pounds with shitty form and a belt, then struts around the place saying shit like “Whoa” and “Woo” and “Aw, fuck” under his breath just loud enough for people to hear, as if what you just witnessed was a marvel to behold.
He’ll never compete on stage. He’ll never compete in a powerlifting meet. Despite his superior genetics, he will credit the success of pro bodybuilders on their “genetics” and not the nightmarish quantity of drugs they take. He took the drugs too, and he didn’t get the results. Explain that, nerd! His failure will be because of his “genetics,” and not his party lifestyle and complete lack of discipline, organization, and work ethic.
Likely places to be found: anywhere Mark Rippetoe has been, T-Nation, Chaos and Pain
Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: Utter sincerity, with noticeable condescension.
2. Beta Spergs
On the other end of the spectrum from bro-ignorance is the Beta Sperg. These are the guys that have everything planned, everything figured out, and everything bought before they even set foot in a gym for the first time in their lives. He has researched everything. He is an encyclopedia of lifting knowledge. He brings more and more expensive equipment to the gym than most elite powerlifters. Most women are stronger than him.
There are generally two sub-types of Beta Sperg lifters; guys who have convinced themselves that they have come up with the most objectively perfect routine, backed by science; and guys who have, through research, uncovered ultra-secret Eastern Bloc routines kept secret by the Communists during the Cold War that allowed their Olympic athletes to achieve MAXIMUM GAINZ. The latter will be in spreadsheet form and be almost indistinguishable from his EVE Online portfolio analyses.
LOL SCIENCE <3
Likely places to be found: Reddit, Somethingawful, 4chan, anywhere else guys who never got pussy congregate that might have a thread or board section about lifting (large comic book or video game forums)
Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: LOL, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THAT THING FROM THE INTERNET?! WE SHARED SOMETHING IN COMMON SO WE ARE NOW FRIENDS.
3. MARINE DAD
My dad wasn’t a Marine. He’s not even an American. Shamefully, he doesn’t even lift. I can’t base this on interactions with my own father, but we all know at least one MARINE DAD in our lives.
MARINE DADS used to be in great shape. He was a Marine, after all. Shit, he might have fought in a war. He’s a dad now, and has gotten soft. What Ensure Revigor didn’t catch, some batshit infomercial routine he saw late at night gon’ get.
Every word of this commercial is the holy testament of God.
When the PX90 box shows up at your house, he’ll tell you that going to the gym is for fggts. If the Marine Corps didn’t need a gym to make him a man, then you don’t either. Did he mention how disappointed he is in you that you didn’t decide to be a YOO-NITED STATES MARINE? He will.
Things like PX90 and Instantensity or whatever the fuck it is called appeal to MARINE DADS because it reminds them of their own training. Jumping up and down in a room under the direction of a superior male specimen. That’s all you need to get in shape. The idea that repetitive and purposefully stressful activities are designed by the military to break you down mentally and not necessarily to get you in shape will not dawn on him.
Likely places to be found: Full Metal Jacket fan forums, militia blogs, shooting messageboards
Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: He has never heard or uttered this phrase in his entire life.
4. Guys who will earn an IFBB pro card and then never compete again
All his life, all he wanted was to be a pro. His room is plastered with all the greats; Ronnie Coleman, Ronnie Coleman, Ronnie Coleman, Ronnie Coleman, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
In all seriousness, there are some guys out there who just have that bodybuilding virus. They can’t get it out of their systems no matter what. I’d probably be one of these guys too if I wasn’t so ecto. That’s why men’s physique appeals to me. And that’s why I hate these guys.
Psh, they’re not real bodybuilders! People aren’t completely repulsed by them yet!
He’s worked hard, he finally got that supplier for all the GH15 approved drugs, and he finished in the top five of the IFBB Pro-Am New Jersey Sub-Nationals Division B – Men’s 5’8″ and under category, and finally got that IFBB pro card. He’s a pro now, and he’s better than you. And he’s especially better than those men’s physique competitors! Just a bunch of male swimsuit models if you ask him. The IFBB has really gone downhill since they included women’s figure and bikini divisions and then these fggts! This is about bodybuilding, not looking good and well-muscled. If you don’t have an HGH gut you don’t belong on stage!
This attitude is likely because of the realization he mutated his body with all these drugs, making him grotesque to any female aside from those who have also become hormonized weirdos. He doesn’t have what it takes to advance beyond this, so it’s time to get angry on the internet about guys who are taking the “easy route” and not doing as many drugs.
Likely places to be found: bodybuilding.com, secret steroid boards I can’t talk about
Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: Only said to natural BBers and men’s physique competitors, condescension masking envy
5. Instagram figure competitors
God bless you ladies. God bless Instagram. God bless our atomized and narcissistic culture.
For those of you who don’t know, figure is a women’s bodybuilding division for girls who weren’t absolute pigs to start off with, who then dieted and trained right for six months. Since it takes so little effort, I’m seeing more and more girls doing it, and flaunting it on instagram.
The flaunting is the necessary part. Fat shaming now, fat shaming tomorrow, fat shaming forever. Seriously, ladies, anything you can do to get yourselves away from “average,” which according to SJWs and their beta WKs is not “fat” despite what my lying eyes tell me, the better, and the more of it you throw on the internet, the best.
These girls tend to be silent. They don’t do much except post pictures of themselves, what food they’re eating, and maybe some fitspirational quotes and pictures. “Squat booty” seems to be a thing. If I could just say one thing, though:
H-hi ladies. Um, IDK if you know this or not, b-but squatting isn’t really a great posterior chain exercise. Y-you really s-should be deadlifting more and calling it “deadlift booty.” Th-thanks and y-you t-too.
To which their reaction would be: Ew. Deadlifting. That’s so gross, my hands would get all rough.
Why this trend? Maybe she was a waterballoon who was tired of the extra weight. Maybe she was a freakishly skinny girl who realized “strong is the new skinny.” Maybe she was an athlete and this interested her. Maybe she got dumped by her boyfriend and this is how she is dealing with it. Notice how none of these are “is your girlfriend and you successfully convinced her to go to the gym with you and do anything other than cardio.” I’m not saying this is impossible, I’m just saying it is impossible for your beta ass.
Likely places to be found: Instagram, if they’re pro and kinda well known, maybe facebook.
Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: Angry, defensive, and needlessly competitive. She’s trying to prove to you she’s one of the guys. And also trying to handle her crippling body image issues. And also her crippling emotional issues. Why won’t anyone just love her?