I can’t believe they’re still a band: MYCHILDREN MYBRIDE

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I think the biggest challenge for any (initially) successful band is to “transcend eras”. What I mean by this is a band being just as popular/relevant in the year 500 AM (After MySpace) as they were in the year 500 BT (Before Tumblr). All Time Low, A Day To Remember, Bring Me The Horizon are some of the standout examples of this. But with every success story, comes about 100 other tragic tales of dispirited band bros and broken dreamz, including the dudes in MYCHILDREN MYBRIDE. I’m assuming that they’ll probably break up within a couple of weeks of me writing this, so consider this post a full retrospective of their career.

Their first album is their best work in my opinion. It was produced by Joey Stugis, which added a RISECORE flair to their otherwise ATTHEGATESCORE sound. I don’t know exactly what the video is supposed to mean but if I were to take a guess based on the Mosh 4 Christ lyrics about him worrying that he’s losing his faith, the white straitjacket version of him is supposed to represent his faithful side and the black straitjacket with eyeliner version of him is supposed to represent his faithless side. The straitjackets on both ends probably represent his “insanity” for ever questioning the existence of god in the first place. Check out the crazy special effects @ 1:55 when the white straitjacket him’s face catches fire for no apparent reason.

matthewhastingMatthew Hasting was one of the most fangirled metalcore vocalists in the MySpace era IIRC. I remember hearing Kiki Kannibal namedrop him in a Stickam live stream like it was just yesterday. I guess the tattoo policy for lead vocalists is “start with the hands and work your way up”.

Their second album was basically their first album repeated, just less memorable. I don’t think they went back to Stugis for this one so what could explain why it doesn’t pack the same punch that the first one does. MCMB make everyone who has done the water bucket challenge look like pussies in this video. I like when the vocalist starts doing the windmill. Moshing 4 Christ in your own music video, very advanced.

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                        I wonder how many times she has bragged about this IRL.

Their third album realistically didn’t deviate much from the first two albums (save the “evil” spoken word part at the beginning) but they started trying to gain tr00 cred by using black metal imagery like playing in a forest and having artwork like this…

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So kvlt!

To build hype for the album, the band released what is probably the most embarrassing marketing ploy I have yet to see, an “interactive music video”. “Choose wisely on your path and you will continue your journey, but a myriad of decisions lie around each corner that will decide your fate.” This is where you can see their views really started to fizzle out.

What’s probably more entertaining than all of their music is their extreme image changes throughout the course of their career.

MyChildren+MyBrideMy guess is that this is from 2004-2005, around when they released “Having The Heart For War” (their actual first album, don’t look for it, it sucks). This picture is so stereotypically MySpace that it almost seems like some sort of parody ala NOFX. Unfortunately for them, those ain’t no wigs.

9779_mychildren-mybride-galleryI’m thinking this is from around 2007-2008. This picture I hold especially dear to my heart because it represents the era when scene and gangster collided. Three tipped to the side new era hats with the sticker still intact in one promo pic? They don’t make em like they used to.

mcmbfakerealmetalThis pic is obviously from their last album, which is why they’re all dressed like fake real metal kids. So depressing. Why do they look so angry?

Thus concludes the epic tale of MCMB. Now all that’s left is droopy earlobes and status updates that will probably get less than 100 likes…

gettocali    Be on the lookout for the sequel “Back To Cali”, coming soon to a theater near u. 

Posted in bands i used to think were good, metalcore, mosh 4 christ, scene hair | Tagged , , , | 24 Comments

have u faced discrimination in the work industry???

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LIEK THIS POST IF U ARE WILLING 2 TAKE A STAND AGAINST #TATTOOISM

Posted in lulzy pictures | Tagged | 44 Comments

TAYLOR SWIFT DROPS BEST SONG OF 2014

If I went into a lab to create the perfect pop star, who could sell millions of records in a terrible time for the industry and appeal to country people and a mainstream audience, and be like real cute while also a very solid singer, I would probably create someone really similar to Taylor Swift. So I’ve always wanted to like her, but outside of a few singles things never really clicked and I just thought she was alright.

But then this song is like the fucking jam. Super fun vibe, positive lyrics about not giving a fuck, a huge chorus, a weird middle part where she technically raps which I guess is a fun joke?, and in general just a dope beat for a Swifty song. And that’s not to mention the perfect video where she is awkwardly cute in a million ways proving she owns that awkward cute and all these other girls better step their awkward game way the fuck up. Game set and match, seriously like every second of this video she is cute to the point of being made into a gif. Proof:

I for one welcome Taylor Swift has the undisputed, unrivaled Queen of Pop, and predict her to sell 2 Billion albums or close. Then her and Ariana will be best friends, tour together forever, awkwardly play games with Jimmy Fallon multiple times, and the sadness of the world will melt away into a puddle in Europe somewhere.

its happening@!!<3

tell em!

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

METRO STATION is back. Are we on the brink of a neon revival???

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In the “well i didnt see THAT one coming” dept, kings of neon METRO STATION are back together! Or at least Trace and the fat guy. The first reaction from what I’ve seen online is “this song is OK but not nearly as good as their old shit,” which I agree with. The most likely explanation for this is the absence of their former producers Sam & Sluggo, who were the brains behind all your favorite neon/hollistercore bands like CASH CASH, THE ACADEMY IS, BOYS LIKE GIRLS, and tons more.

A couple things to point out here:

  • Song almost has an anti-chorus, in that it starts out kinda catchy then gets really boring and un-catchy for the “chorus” (the part where the fat guy sings).
  • Do you think the fat guy is an actual member of the band who gets publishing, an equal share of the show/merch money, etc, or just an employee who gets $250 or show? Genuinely curious about this. My money is on employee but you never know.
  • The fat guy looks like someone who would work at a vape store, or maybe at a cell phone kiosk in the crappy corner of the mall, and the kiosk only sells Android phones/tablets and he has a Blackberry Torch.
  • The part at 1:01 where he uses the term “make love” makes me very uncomfortable, like when my ex’s grandma told her that to avoid getting a UTI girls should “always wash their privates after they make love.”

For bonus lulz, check out this hilariously positive review of their first album on Absolutepunk (if you’re not familiar, Absolutepunk are the DEFINITION of delusions of tr00ness and I’m 100% certain that their party line on METRO STATION these days is some variation on ‘worst band EVER’):

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But the larger question is, does this mean that we are on the brink of a neon revival?? I think it’s still 1-3 years away, but early data most certainly suggests that it’s coming. I’ve noticed that people are starting to look back on the neon scene with what might amused nostalgia, which is in stark contrast to the extreme asspain that it provoked in them just a few years ago (example: this Buzzfeed article “29 things u will only remember if u were a myspace kid“). This simple chart explains how the pattern works, and since 2008 was 6 years ago, you can see that we are entering prime territory for a revival:

Years since they stopped being into thing:
0-1: UGH I FUKING HATE [THING] ANYBODY WHO LIKES IT SHOULD BE SHOT
1-2: [Thing] is terrible. I’m into [other, equally stupid thing] now, u pleb.
3-5: Huh? [Thing]? Oh yeah. Whatever.
5-10: Oh man, who remembers [thing]?! [Thing] was so awesome in middle school lol, we should totally do a [thing] band!!

What do u think?? Will ‘the myspace sound’ come back in 2015? Will we see a wave of post-neon bands, spearheaded by artists like 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER who grew up on ALL TIME LOW and 3OH!3?? How long until hipsters start to be ironically neon???

wanna kiss trace

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , , | 28 Comments

Does Enter Shikari have more than 1 good song?

enter-shikari
It seems like whenever there is a discussion about post-hardcore/metalcore bands that incorporate electronics into their sound, it always ends up with some dogmatic music aficionado saying something along the lines of “ugh, if you want to listen to a band that actually does that style WELL unlike ___________ (insert scene band here), then listen to ENTER SHIKARI”. I guess this makes them the first “tr00 trancecore” band. Now that Attack Attack are gone, and Abandon All Ships have recently called it quits, this also means that they’re the only first generation trancecore band that’s still alive. Why do the good die young? Why must only the tr00 survive?

Anyway, leading back to the question of this post: Do they have more than 1 good song?? It seems to me that “Sorry You’re Not A Winner” is their big “hit”, sort of like what “One Last Breath” is to Abandon All Ships or what “Stick Stickly” is to Attack Attack. The only difference is that if you browse through Attack Attack’s or Abandon All Ships’ catalogs, you’ll find that they have lots of other good songs. They’re not one hit wonders. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said about Enter Shakira.

The video is pretty cool too I guess. They’re all hot and sweaty and jam packed into a small space so it gives off the vibe that the music has a lot of “meaning” to it. It’s pretty neat how the whole crowd knows when to clap, not sure if they rehearsed that part or whatever. And it’s nice that Coconut Head from Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide found something to do after his acting career fell through.

coconuthead

Posted in bad hair, bands who are just ok, bands who cant afford to use autotune live, euro fggts, eurocore, eurodance, euros, trancecore | Tagged , , , , , , | 51 Comments

Read ABANDONDED 7″s for the *truth* about 90s hardcore

H9d32g on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

If there’s one thing I never get tired of, it’s talking about the old days of 90s hardcore. Specifically, about how they completely sucked dick compared to how awesome music and the scene is these days. Which is pretty much the whole point of a site I just wasted spent like 2 hours reading: ABANDONED 7″s, in which the author reviews various random, shitty 90s hardcore 7″s that he finds in the dusty corners of his record collection. As someone who owned many of the records he features, went to many of the same shows, and was probably in the same room with him at some point or another, I feel like I’m reading my own diary (and shuddering with embarrassment/horror at the retarded shit that we thought was so fucking cool at the time). I encourage you to dig through the entire site yourself, but here’s a few highlights with my own, less witty commentary:

90s hc

The two faces of 90s hardcore: the Victory version and the basement DIY version

The first thing that younger readers need to understand is that there are two, very different versions of 90s hardcore that rarely interacted. On the one hand you had your Victory Records moshcore, which was much more polished, cleancut, and (by the standards of the time) “commercial.” Bands like EARTH CRISIS, SNAPCASE, and INTEGRITY who played shitty versions of SLAYER and PANTERA riffs while kids in Jncos spin-kicked each other in the face. The people in this scene were seen as “lame, rich jocks” by the people in the other half of the scene– the ”DIY basement” side of hardcore.

The DIY basement scene was culturally pretty much identical to Tumblr these days: a bunch of weird, insecure, fucked up kids tripping over each other to be the most PC and save the world. I kind of had one foot in both scenes, which was fairly uncommon at the time– just like now, how you will get shamed by LA DISPUTE fans if u listen to ATTILA. Same shit, different decade. ABANDONED 7″s doesn’t really get into this dynamic, but it’s important background if u want to ‘understand teh greater historical context in which these artists existed.’

Discovered this gem on ABANDONED 7″s, which is a band called FRAIL playing in some basement in PA. This band is what we called “screamo” at the time. The music is obviously just absolutely horrible, but what I am more interested in is all the details: the white guy with dreads awkwardly trying to act like he’s ‘into it,’ the singer’s super-lulzy spazzing, the bowl haircuts, and how everybody’s clothes are like 3 sizes too big.

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In case you are wondering, yes, pretty much all DIY basement emo/hardcore records came with similar lulzy, pretentious, embarrassing “statements of purpose” like this one. Hey, we didn’t have social media back then, it was our only option!

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another super cringey ‘statement.’ sometimes people seem to doubt me when i say that all the social justice PC bullshit on tumblr these days is like groundhog’s day for me because i lived thru it once, about 20 years ago. but take a look at this gem from 1994 and tell me it couldn’t be an ad for some hairy-legged tumblr girl’s DIY tampon Etsy store in 2014

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this look was the 90s equivalent of coontails. really wish some of the 90s-worshipping tumblr dorks would embarrass themselves by trying to bring it back– mfw i see a 19 year-old wearing a homemade CONSTANTINE SANKATHI shirt and giant pants in 2014

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1. Great analysis of how lulzy this aesthetic is 2. That’s right, this is where Equal Vision (now home to WE CAME AS ROMANS, CHIODOS and PIERCE THE VEIL) got their start: shitty 90s hardcore!

Read more at ABANDONDED 7″s

Posted in photo documentation of dumb things you did in high school | Tagged , , , , , , | 94 Comments

AE WORLD IS BACK BITCHES

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One of SYWH’s most beloved pop icons Anthony Evans (AKA METROSEXUAL MUSCLES) is BACK! But now he’s performing under a new moniker… ANTHONY JAMES. This time he has relocated to everyone’s favorite state NEW JERSEY to continue pushing towards his dreams. The glory days of him playing in School Boy Humor and supporting Artist Vs Poet in a 2 week mini-tour are long behind him now, but still he persists to accomplish his goal of becoming (in his own words) “as big as Justin Bieber!”.

NEW NAME, NEW TUNES, NEW CRIB. AE WORLD 2.0

This infectious track shows that AE world (now AJ world) is still on his A-game. It’s about a girl that he likes but he doesn’t know why he likes her cause she’s got that special something that makes all the metrosexuals go cray. Looks like he’s still diesel as fuck too, Alex Bigman told me that he lost to him in an arm wrestling competition once (srs).

AJ world is on his club banger shit for this one! The hook on this is hot and the rap part is even better. Wtf is up with that arm pit hair at 0:37 though Anthony? I thought you shaved them shits clean? Still respect the god tier aesthetics tho.

In this, Anthony shows off his hot new crib. Shout-outs to Joyce for letting Anthony live in your basement! The decor is to die for!

How is he able to crank out this many quality music videos? Anthony James is quickly becoming the LIL B of the pop world. This song is about how he’s gonna take some girl to the TOP OF THE WORLD (AKA Joyce’s basement).

This video lets you take a sneak peak into the exciting world of AJ WORLD. Anthony introduces us to Joyce, the head bitch in charge, during one of their business meetings.

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                                           AJ even got his aunt reppin

For a deeper look into AJ WORLD, go follow Anthony on twitter. This boy is gonna blow up soon.

Posted in lulzy videos | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

MATTY MULLINS releases solo album that sounds like a crappy christian version of BRUNO MARS

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if u ever thought to urself, “i wish there was a band that combined the phony, insincere, lyrics that OF MICE & MEN write so that troubled high school girls with low self-esteem will tell them ‘u saved my life’ with a watered down version of BRUNO MARS,” then u are in luck, because Matty Mullins of MEMPHIS MAY FIRE aka the self-proclaimed ‘voice of a generation’ just debuted a solo album which is pretty much exactly that.

This is the first song. It is called “My Dear” and from what I can tell is written from God’s perspective (srs). writing AS GOD takes megalomania to a whole new level; i’m truly amazed and impressed that matty somehow managed to become even more arrogant than he was before. can guarantee u that he wrote the line ‘hold onto me when you think you’re sinking’ knowing that it would make every middle school girl with a shitbag dad who is desperately looking for some kind of strong male figure in her life put him up on a pedestal, shower him with internet praise, and buy a t-shirt.

in this video, Keith Buckley discusses how matty got snubbed for AP’s “biggest philanthropist in the scene” award (srs)

I feel like they should write an article in Fast Company or something about this and coin the term “savior marketing” for this innovative technique. if ur an insecure person who is not that talented but cannot survive without the validation of strangers (specifically, girls who are over a decade younger than u), just read my FREE ebook about SAVIOR MARKETING and u will have high school girls telling u that u ‘saved their life’ in 90 days or less– GUARANTEED!

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sauce: chris motionless (lol)

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 33 Comments

There is a new THE ACACIA STRAIN single, what do u think of it?

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When it comes to absurdly downtuned chugcore, I think “Wormwood” still holds the title for the pinnacle of the genre. Like all the best albums, it’s accessible and catchy [via retardedly simple chug riffs] but keeps things interesting with variations and layers of additional detail on top– like the BLINK-182 of moshcore. They lost me with “Death Is The Only Mortal,” which got way too skronky and weird, but they did gain themselves a good amount of IMN fans who naturally loved it’s “GORGUTS at half-speed” direction. And now they are back with a new single from their upcoming album “Comawitch” (which sounds like the name of some Decibel beard-and-vest-hipster-metal band):

I definitely like this better than “Death Is The Only Mortal,” but I can’t say that I think it’s amazing. That could be because they lost their primary songwriter, but it could also be due to me listening to metal and hardcore for 25 years and just being super jaded and not liking anything unless it is either about cute girls or there is a cute girl singing. IDK, I feel like both are pretty much equally likely.

Regardless, I salute them on the bold creative leap they took with this video: who would have ever thought of making a metal video where the band is playing in some dilapidated building with their instruments unplugged?! Hats off to the director of this masterpiece for his fearless willingness to go where nobody has yet dared to tread!

You can preorder “Comawitch” here

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , , , | 39 Comments

The sad tale of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

tdwp old

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Myspace, the scene was ruled by a quintet of Christian lads from Dayton, Ohio who went by the unlikely moniker of THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. The scene-prophets held council and declared them the heirs to the throne, The Next Big Thing. But alas, it was not meant to be, and the prophecy remains unfulfilled. Sit back in the overstuffed, high-back leather chair next to the fireplace in your library, your faithful mastiff curled up at your feet as the cold winds of the moors rattle the shutters of your Victorian mansion, and read on for more details regarding the tragic tale of TDWP…

lms if ur still listening to “HTML Rulez D00d” in 2014

If u can remember back to 2007 or so, if someone asked u to bet on who would be the breakout scene metalcore band, the smart bet would have been TDWP. Sure, ADTR, BMTH, SUICIDE SILENCE and ATTACK ATTACK had their fans but TDWP were definitely at the top of the heap and rising fast. They had it all: the Rockett gear, the synth breakdowns, the zany song titles, and the legions of jailbait groupies. I saw them on Warped 2009 and they CRUSHED it– one of the biggest crowds I have ever seen at Warped. It seemed like they could do no wrong, but it wouldn’t last forever (*VH1 “Behind The Music” voiceover/montage sequence*).

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Fig 1: Compare the viewcounts of their recent videos with the ones from their Myspace-era peers BMTH… Even new kids on the block BEARTOOTH have them beat. ouch :/

Fast forward just a few years and the tables have turned: ADTR, BMTH and OM&M are all Billboard top ten #hardrock bands, and TDWP is in “oh, they’re still a band?!” territory. Even BLESSTHEFALL charted higher than TDWP’s last album, the BLESSTHEFALL is pretty much just the poor man’s TDWP (but importantly, with a much cuter singer).

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Fig 2: TDWP circa 2014. Not sheriff they dress like semi-employed drifters as a fashion statement, or if they actually ARE semi-employed drifters 

What caused this sad fall from grace? The fact that they look more like smelly vagrants every year probably has something to do with it, given that their scene is and always has been more about how cute the singer is and how GIF-able his stage moves are than the music. But their music isn’t helping the cause: the crabcore world has clearly moved on to #hardrock, but they’re still playing Myspace-style Risecore with zero hooks.

That might have worked in 2008 when breakdowns were still at a premium, but the market for breakdowns bottomed out in the great scene crash of 2012 (“Is Glamour Kills too big to fail??”). Ironically, when I listen to TDWP’s newest album, it just kinda sounds like a BLESSTHEFALL knockoff band to me. Mb instead of writing lulzy pretentious books about their lyrics, they should have focused on copying LINKIN PARK and SLIPKNOT riffs like the rest of their genre was doing in 2013.

Fig 3: newish single, which pretty much sounds just like the old stuff except somehow less interesting

It also probably doesn’t help that they are signed to the post-Monte Conner version of Roadrunner, alongside other “oh THEY’re still a band?” acts like THE AMITY AFFLICTION and “halfway between Ozzfest and Mayhem” bands like HEARTIST, where you’re not really sure who actually listens to them aside from the fat girl who you always see wearing their shirt waiting for the bus across the street from your work.

Whatever the case, let this be a lesson: the scene is a cruel mistress. With one hand she gives, and with the other she takes away. Don’t let this be you– don’t be the last guy on the block clinging to outdated trends. If everybody else is doing something, you should do it too. If the other kids think something is cool, you should say that you think it’s cool too. Just go with the flow, or u could be the next vagrant passed out behind the Greyhound station telling every kid with tattoos who walks past how u were the synth player in TDWP for 3.5 shows.

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Posted in what we think about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 45 Comments