ITT: The most advansed memes on the entire internet, ever

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credit: LAUGHAPALOOZA on Face Book

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“Think before you talk,” and other things I wish I could have told myself 20 years ago


As “the scene’s cool older brother,” one of my dreams is that you will avoid making the same painful, stupid mistakes that I did in my teens and twenties. My hope is that by telling you about all the dumb shit I’ve done over the years, you can learn from MY mistakes instead of your own. Of course, one of the cruel ironies is that when you are young enough to avoid making these mistakes, you also think that you know everything so you don’t listen to people when they try to help you, so this is probably pointless… but for whatever it’s worth, here are a couple things that I really, really, really hope you consider and take to heart– you could save yourself years of pain.

smile now cry later

It can and WILL happen to you
You know how old people are always lecturing you about how you young kids think you’re invincible? Well, they are right. That’s totally how you feel– you think that it won’t happen to you, that you can tempt fate but the consequences only happen to other people. Well, let me tell you, you’re wrong. It WILL happen to you. Fuck enough random dirty girls/guys and you WILL get an STD. Get in enough fights and you WILL go to jail. Do enough drugs and you WILL end up an addict. You can tempt fate for a while– years even– before your number comes up, but I promise you that if you keep rolling the dice, eventually you will get burned.

The really scary part is that you don’t see it coming until it’s too late… you don’t realize that this time you REALLY fucked up until you see the lights of the police car, the doctor tells you that you have herpes, etc. And it only takes a second to make a mistake that can take years and years to dig yourself out of. Trust me, do the smart thing and don’t play with fire in the first place because you WILL get burned, and you will instantly want to kick your own ass for doing something that you KNEW was fucking stupid.

Which brings me to my second piece of advice…


THINK before you act/talk
I’m sure it’s funny hearing this from me, someone who has said countless dumb, regrettable things over the years. If I had a dollar for everytime I did or said something, only to IMMEDIATELY get that sinking feeling in my stomach like “well fuck… that wasn’t the right move,” I could buy like a fucking small planet or something.

I know sometimes it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is, which is why I like to use what they call the “TV test.” Basically, imagine that you are being broadcast on live national TV, and act accordingly. If the thing you are about to do or say isn’t something you would want to be seen on TV, then it’s probably a bad idea.

For example, would you be proud to have the TV audience see you spend 2 hours debating on some forum about whether [band] is REAL pop-punk? Would you want them to see you getting shitfaced on a Tuesday night when you have a paper due the next morning? Would you want to be that guy on TV who loses his temper at work and storms out over some trivial bullshit?

dreams dont work

Hard works pays off (but sometimes it takes a really long time)
The tough part about “doing the right thing” is that it never pays off as quickly as you want it to, so it feels like you’re not getting anywhere, like you are grinding and grinding and grinding but still staying stationary. For example, when I was in college and taking 16 credits and working full time, getting up at 5am and not coming home until 9pm. I did this for years, and it felt like I was on an endless treadmill and it was so so discouraging. But I stuck with it, I graduated 5 years ago, and I literally make twice as much money as I did when I graduated.

I think it’s all about adjusting the way you look at things. Important shit takes YEARS to achieve, so don’t look for daily progress because it just isn’t gonna be there. If you compare today to yesterday, it will just bum you out because it will feel like you haven’t gotten anywhere. Instead, compare today to 6 months ago, 1 year ago, or 5 years ago– THEN you will see how far you have really come and it will feel awesome.

Whatever you do, don’t be that fucking lame dude who quits the minute things get hard. I PROMISE you that if you grind hard enough and long in the right direction, it WILL pay off. Maybe not as fast as you want, and maybe not in exactly the way you thought it would, but it WILL pay off.

bucket hat

Don’t look for the right girl, focus on being the right guy
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but it has to be said. I feel super bad for wifeable girls in their early 20s (and contrary to popular belief there are lots of them) because holy shit guys in their 20s suck. I was way more interested in collecting video games, posting on the Relapse forum, and complaining about my job than I was in making my girlfriend happy, and what kind of decent girl is going to put up with that? Instead of pissing and moaning about how you can’t find a qt gf, take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re the guy that your dream girl would want to be with– if you are reading this, chances are that you’re not lol (sorry, but it’s true).


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CHUNK NO CAPTAIN CHUNK acknowledge #ezcrab; I can die a happy man


he even included the fucking hashtag. dudes, they are definitely ready 2

mission bush

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Jay-Z signs TOUCHE AMORE (srs)

Screen Shot 2015-03-12 at 3.37.07 PM

in b4 someone finds Jay’s secret tumblr which is full of superwholock gifs, TSSF lyrics over desaturated pictures of forests, and photos of tattoo-model girls in huf socks.

jay z face

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CHUNK NO CAPTAIN CHUNK announce new album and it appears to not suck

Friends, I’m feeling pretty good these days– like a homesteader who survived the long, brutal winter with only 1 or 2 of his cattle freezing to death, looking out across his farm and seeing the first signs of spring poking through the frost. After a couple years of dull, crappy, greyscale tr00ness, we are starting to see signs of #ez life: solid new releases from NEW FOUND GLORY and HIT THE LIGHTS, sick new ez bands like ALIVE IN STANDBY and CRUNKASAURUS REX, and this– a new release from the godfathers of #ezcrab that sounds like it’s going to be really really good.

Like most of you, I was pretty nervous when they said that they were going for a “more mature” direction, because that usually means mustaches, work boots, and acoustic guitars = DO NOT WANT. But if this clip is any indication, they were either lying or kidding themselves because this is pure, vintage #ezcrab. Stoked!

one direction core

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HIT THE LIGHTS release new song complaining about Instagram

hit the lights

A couple thoughts in no particular order:

  • Bummed to see them fall into the “old man screams at cloud” trap– or more specifically, the even more awkward SENSES FAIL/BAYSIDE version which is “former scene band gets up on their high horse and complains about Kids These Days.” In b4 they make some embarrassing facebook rant about selfies and/or kids using their phones at shows
  • LOL @ shoehorning their super-scene splattery logo into the tr00 aesthetic. And WTF does some desaturated photo of a beach have to do with the lyrics?!
  • On the bright side, the song is really good and this album is going to be their best since “Skip School”

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

CITY LIGHTS is playing a reunion show; hey dudes r u ready 2?

city lights show

For the first time in my entire life, I sort of wish I still lived in Ohio so I could go to this one-off reunion show from one of the best OG easycore bands, my good friends CITY LIGHTS. They just announced this show an hour or two ago, and all the dorks in the Defend Easycore Group are losing their shit. I have two thoughts:

  1. As always, I have mixed feelings when people are excited about reunions. On the one hand, of course I am stoked that people are into CITY LIGHTS in 2015. On the other hand, it sure would have been nice for people to support them when they were actually an active band, but nobody gave a shit and they struggled to get 50 kids to come out to their shows. Lesson: don’t wait until bands break up to support them!
  2. I expect full credit for CITY LIGHTS and FIGHT FAIR’s 2015 status as ‘legends of ez,’ since I actually did rep them when they were around, playing sad VFW shows with crappy bands that even less people cared about (FRESHMAN 15, I’m looking at you). TFW u were a REAL neon fan, before it was cool to be one *steamnose emoji*

For maximum effect, they really need to bring this version of CITY LIGHTS back:

Screen Shot 2015-03-05 at 7.14.39 PM

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Singer of SUBURBAN SCUM jocks DOG EAT DOG; proves that funkycore is real

dog eat dog

if u will recall, i have been forecasting FUNKYCORE as The Next Big Thing for several months now. while that was a legitimate, serious prediction, in the interest of comedy i took the argument to what i thought was an absurd extreme, predicting that soon Real Hardcore kids would be jocking DOG EAT DOG. of course, i never actually thought that would happen… FAITH NO MORE? absolutely. LIVING COLOUR? Sure, why not. But even in my wildest dreams did i actually think kids would cite DOG EAT DOG as ‘legends.’ :/

stay ahead of the curve and be the first Real Hardcore kid to get down with SPIN DOCTORS! (note: if ur into Chad Sexton/John Stanier style drumming definitely don’t sleep on this band, the drummer is legit sick. check out those ghost notes.)

1992 2012

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can ripping off ADTR become the next big scene trend pls?

adtrI’ve always thought originality was the single most overrated element to music. Like, if I really like a band, I will want to extend their discography by adding a bunch of bands that sound like them, you know? Luckily, this has been happening to me more and more with bands trying to sound like A DAY TO REMEMBER, and what better band is there to sound like other than ADTR? (rhetorical question, there is no better band)

Many people would probably classify WE FALL AS ONE from France as an #ezcrab band, and they wouldn’t totally be wrong – some of the sound effects on the vocals and breakdowns are very crabby, but I definitely hear a strong ADTR influence. The singer kinda scares me haha, he’s getting too excited.

I discovered STAY TRUE on Spotify and I’ve been pretty hooked ever since. They were supposed to release an album late last year that never came out, so hopefully they eventually get it out there.

MY LIFE FOR HIRE loves A Day To Remember, so much so that they named themselves after one of their songs! Brb, searching for bands named after all the other song titles on Homesick.

ACROSS THE ATLANTIC was produced by Andrew Wade, so that would explain any similarities these guys have to ADTR production-wise. I hope REAL FRIENDS fans stumble upon this video and immensely improve their music taste. Also, I would prob like this song even more if it wasn’t released on BryanStars’ YouTube channel.

My best friend is obviously you, Bryan!

I don’t think SIX STORIES UNKNOWN have quite perfected their craft yet, but they definitely show promise! They’re from Sweden, I wonder if they’re friends with ABANDONED BY BEARS?

I literally just discovered CHIN UP, KID because one of the band members posted on Facebook that they were opening for FOUR YEAR STRONG so I decided to check them out, and I’m glad I did! I love the key change that happens towards the end of the song. I think key changes sound epic when bands know how to utilize them properly.

I couldn’t find HEAVY HEARTED on any social media, so I’m not sure if they’re a band anymore, which is a shame because they had a lot of potential! You can download this EP for free on their bandcamp, and the other one costs money, but I’m sure you could find it for free on Soulseek or some blog or something.

The reception has been mixed for IT’S A LONG STORY, but personally I think they’re great. There’s a lot of suspense building up to when the vocals kick in, because you can’t tell if the breakdown is in minor key or major key. Which key is it gonna be?

I have saved the best for last – WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE. This song is sooo good, sounds like it could be on Homesick. The chorus uses the same chord progression as half of the songs on the first half of Homesick (tracks 2-4). (Fun fact: this has been dubbed the “sensitive female chord progression”.) It’s no surprise that these guys are also produced by Andrew Wade. I will be on the lookout for their upcoming debut album.

What was your favorite band on this list? Do you think sounding like ADTR will ever become a big trend? What are some other bands you like that sound like ADTR?

Posted in bands 2 watch, bands 2 watch for, bands i like, new jamz | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

how 2 get that fresh haircut and impress everyone at Rainfest/THIC/BNB Bowl

barber expire

credit: aust_elle

Posted in lulzy pictures | 20 Comments