Sylar = The Dawning of TRAPCORE??

trapmusic

Let’s just say I never really got the whole “real” hardcore scene… I mean, I know that kids need an awkward transitional period before they start snorting cocaine and becoming EDM DJs but it just seems like there’s so many better options you know? Regardless, while the Real Hardcore scene seems to be stuck in the past, worshiping and emulating their favorite bands from the 90′s, the Fake Hardcore scene is constantly pushing the boundaries of innovation to the point where you never know what they’ll come up with next. That’s kinda how I feel about this band who just released this sick TRAPCORE song.

I had a feeling that the genre would go in this direction once the whole “Trancecore” thing died out and synth sounds got progressively less melodic to the point where bands just started grabbing whatever cool shit they can find to put on top of a breakdown, in this case trap beat noises. Does 2:25 qualify being in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest “blegh”? Also can someone pls find Doriano a new band so he doesn’t have to rely on these part time gigs? I miss the sound of his screams via being really into the last Woe, Is Me album. Genesi[s] > Number[s], fight me IRL.

Posted in bands 2 watch for, metalcore | Tagged , | Leave a comment

not sheriff most advanced band ever or 5 years behind

  • “We named ourselves Down To Friend so that we could tell girls we’re DTF and then they can show disinterest in our music AND having sex with us!”
  • 0:25  did he purchase that shirt when he was 10? I feel like I can hear his nipples gasping for air
  • 0:45  girl is pretty cute… prob could sleeping with mid-tier popularity touring bands but I commend her for supporting the local scene
  • 1:00  shouldn’t have taken this long for the music to start but the opening riff sounds promising
  • 1:04  can we just pause here to admire the singer’s creative sleeve artwork?
  • 1:10  the screamerbro is straight out of a 2009 Devil Wears Prada knock-off band
  • 1:13  why is there Dubstep?? Wut
  • 1:45  “sry bro ur shirt is too tight to enter this party”
  • 1:49  ”sry being distracted by the cellulite on this girl’s ass”
  • 2:30  SIQ MOSH
  • 3:25  did their drummer just transform into a fat indian guy in a bathrobe?

so-random-11

Posted in easycore, lulzy videos, pop-punk | Tagged | 26 Comments

The Forgotten Pioneers of Scenecore! (RIP)

Moved on from these walls to the aisles of Good Will

We all know about the Devil Wears Prada’s, the A Day To Remember’s, and Bring Me the Horizon’s; bands that have been around for years and ridden their initial success to long term relevance. But for all those bands there are way more that never really made the transition to be cared about for more than two years, but still played a huge role in shaping the sound of -core bands that are huge today. You wouldn’t have Sleeping With Sirens or Attack Attack! or I See Stars if it weren’t for some of these forgotten bands that paved the way for their success.

A Skylit Drive

I credit a Skylit Drive as being the most popular of like a hundred bands with ‘Sky’ in their name, and that is a pretty big accomplishment. They made the mistake of releasing a really good EP to start out that got them hella attention and buzz early on, then going to never really do anything as good again. Didn’t help that they switched singers and changed sounds to slightly-glam-metal-core-radio-rock-esque-but-not-enough-to-get-anyone-to-care? They’re still a band now but have been just releasing similar album after album and playing the same sized venues like twice a year. V sad, so much potential.

Alesana

These dudes surprisingly enough were the shit for a hot minute back in like 2006-2007. This video had like 5 million views, which was a lot for the time I assume. I think they were really helped by the extreme tendencies in sound, with the full time screamer and way too high pitched vocal dude. He def set the stage for Kellin Quinn dude to master the high singing with breakdowns, and take it to the next level. They still exist and released a bunch of albums with convoluted stories that no one really followed, each with diminishing returns. Hell of a live show tho

Drop Dead Gorgeous

Drop Dead Gorgeous might be the roots of the Risecore tree, pretty much setting the groundwork for years of different band’s sounds/looks/song title naming ability, essentially everything. Along with TDWP they might’ve had the most influence on scenecore bands after 2004, because they had a distinct enough sound to get attention, but not distinct enough to not be easily copied by hundreds of local bands with swoop haircuts. Some of them are in an alt rock band on Rise that is pretty bad, but Rise kind of owes them for inspiring all the bands making them money now.

Scary Kids Scaring Kids

These guys are right at the line between influential, and kind of just around for a little bit before they broke up without effecting much. It didn’t help that they only had like two good songs, but damn was their name perfect for putting on a Hot Topic shirt. This was really a sound a lot of people tried to emulate tho, wouldn’t say many of them got that far, but there are elements here that are still very important to bands today, mostly catchy keyboard lines. The Clerks-esque video that cuts in dialogue during the chorus is a def a misstep tho

Silverstein

One time I saw Silverstein headline a show and they got a pretty good reaction, then like half a year later they toured again and my bro went, and I guess the entire crowd cleared out after the Devil Wears Prada, leaving like 30-40 watching a headliner at the House of Blues, which is incredibly sad to me. These dudes got to be one of the biggest simple scream/sing bands, but peaked for the shortest amount of time. Then they released the same album over and over for like ten years and I think they’re still five away from getting a credible nostalgia boost.

Sky Eats Airplane

These dudes were so so close. Its like they were digging right next to gold and kept going around it or like stopping right before they hit that sweet sweet jackpot. I’d say these guys are definitely the first scene band to find success using electronic elements, they started way back in 2006, besides like Enter Shikari but that was mostly for Brits. They just didn’t quite get it down,  but hey, I don’t think crabcore could’ve existed without them warming up the crowd. Jerry would even go on to replace Austin in Of mice and Men for like half a month or something, that’s gotta mean a tiny bit of something. They tried a new lineup and it sucked and they broke, think they’re in like four different djent bands now.

 

 

There are still tons more bands who made slight difference like ten years ago. And a bunch who didn’t but are famous now somehow like Pierce the Veil who had to tour for YEARS to get any attention, and Memphis May Fire who completely changed their sound to appeal to the myspace crowd. And like Chiodos who was actually successful AND influential. Having a personable singer that the ladies will adore, preferably with a high voice and tons of tats became an absolutely necessity for bands trying to break out, and Craig was really the first one, especially after they started building his own brand around the time when they got really huge. I mean they’re still technically around now but they really blew it.
Who is your fav underrate scenecore pioneer band? How sad is their lives now? Very?

 

Posted in bands i wish were still good, do you rmbr, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 93 Comments

Dinosaur Emo Band “American Football” Reunites

Breaking_NewsResidents across the United States were awakened early yesterday morning by several loud noises. This of course was the sound of Tumblr collectively ejaculating all over themselves when the band “American Football” announced that they were reuniting. I know what you’re thinking, a band naming themselves after the most popular sport in the US, they must be huge alpha bros right? Lol, no, I can assure you they are very beta. They knew that they were too physically frail and mentally weak to handle the extreme nature of true American football. So while all the jocks from their school were learning how to tackle, they were learning how to “twinkle”, a sound on the guitar produced by betas used to attract other betas, sort of like a beta mating call.

americanfootballpicbetas twinkling in their natural habitat

Unfortunately for American Football, they twinkled and twinkled until the PETA protected cows came home but no one responded. So they gave up on their dreams of blowing up, making “mad skrill” and banging hot groupies and decided it was all never meant. Then they said their final goodbyes as they parted ways…

americanfootball1

Flash forward to 15 years later. A young girl walks into a record store in hopes of finding the next big over-hyped band that’s broken up. She searches mercilessly for hours, determined in her efforts. Then in the very back isle of the darkest corner of the store, she discovers a record. She wipes the dust off of the ancient artifact and it reads “American Football”. Unsure of what to do with the findings, she decides to blog about it. Soon it started spreading like wildfire. All of Tumblr began jizzing over the twinkle sounds.

happypeople

The members of American Football rejoiced in astonishment, “finally we have fans who care about us!! We can finally live our dreams!” Coincidentally, all of the jocks that they went high school with are now in their mid 30′s and finishing their careers as professional athletes, leaving room for the betas to finally shine. They’re all like “now is our time to rise up and show the jocks that we can get with hot bishes too!”

revenge_of_the_nerds

Lol, silly betas…

Don’t they know that playing true American football gets you this…

cheerleaders

Playing IN American Football gets you this…

reunionshowcrowd

twinkle, twinkle, little beta,
how I wonder what you are
up above the stage so high,
ur underage fangirls begin to cry

twinkle, twinkle, little beta
how I wonder what you are

Posted in bands who are just ok, bishes, emo revival, old people | Tagged , , , | 47 Comments

Ex-Americaneaglecore Band Releases Soft Grunge Song About Special Snowflake Syndrome

TRIGGER WARNING: don’t read this if u don’t want to see a child’s innocence stripped away before ur own eyes.

Picture Perfect were the type of kids that every parent would be proud of. They were friendly and polite, got good grades in school, had proper dinner table etiquette, said hi to their neighbors, walked on the sidewalk, etc. They were always well behaved and never got into any trouble (except for that one time they snuck girls in to play spin the bottle). “Picture Perfect” really couldn’t have been more suitable of a name. But then, on their seemingly smooth road towards young adulthood, they started showcasing signs of rebellion.

musicvid

“Petey, don’t talk on the phone while you’re driving!”
“Fuck u mom, I’m talking to hot Hollistercore bitches!”

What started off as a few anti-authoritarian remarks, quickly took a turn for the worse. They started dressing edgier and stopped hanging out with their preppy friends. Then they got tumblr and started following the wrong people. The lyrics that they reblogged became angstier and angstier. Soon they started making vinyl purchases. Things really got bad when they got suspended from school for trying to sneak a record player into class. They became fully engulfed in the soft grunge culture and there was little hope left in sight.

In this video they’re all like “Fuck u and ur expectations of me mom and dad!! I’m sorry I couldn’t be the perfect easycore son u always wanted! U can’t tell me how to live my life! I’m going to spin my Title Fight records, I don’t care what u say!”

sign

“ur alive… but are u living????? U havent truly lived until u’ve held up a cardboard sign in a new york subway station like homeless ppl!”

blacksheep

“i’m the black sheep of my herd! all of u are white sheep! don’t join me i wanna be the only one!” 

amps

i didn’t know that tumblr made amps?

Even though it is tragic to see what has happened to these kids, maybe this could possibly used as an awareness video? Like “if you start listening to soft grunge, this is what could happen to you”. Kinda like how they show videos of fatal car crashes to scare people away from drinking and driving. I consider myself an optimist and I’m always looking on the brighter side of things and who knows, maybe this could actually prevent a lot of kids from getting into this sort of lifestyle?

raise_awareness

The kids in Picture Perfect could even learn from this one day if they ever make a recovery. Maybe they could tour to different schools sharing their story with younger generations of kids who might be susceptible to this kind of behavior, sort of like when former drug addicts do presentations to educate kids on the dangers of drug and alcohol abuse. Like “yea, I did this shit and it was really fucked up so don’t make the same mistakes as me. You don’t need to go down the same path that I did.”

daretokeep

Do u think Picture Perfect’s new-found edginess is just a short term phase? Did u urself have a rebellious adolescent period or are u going through one now? Does this post kinda scare u from having ur own kids in fear that they might end up the same?

Posted in positive message, things stupid teenagers like, tumblr, white foolishness | Tagged , , , , , | 121 Comments

HI MOM! I INTERVIEWED BANDWHORESANON

The internet is a boiling, bubbling stew of independent sites and blogs, but one in particular has tumblrkids boiling and bubbling on high-heat over the content they’re stewing. If the internet didn’t already provide you enough insight into the personal lives of band personnel via the big three (tumblr, twitter, and instagram), bandwhoresanon.tumblr.com opts to take you to the final frontier: their sex lives. ILY, SMH, or LOL at this gossip site, it’s not going away anytime soon, so let’s learn a thing or two about it from the infamous ANONS themselves, T, K, & H.

guy-at-computerfixed

Your site layout resembles a hideous 3-way collision between myspace HTML code, a high school message board, and a sparkling blog dedicated Disney princesses… and yet, the site content is dedicated to band guys you’ve slept with. Who is behind such irony?

T: I’ll take the credit for that one. We’re definitely not black and white people who blend into the background and I didn’t want something totally obscure and hipster to be the first thing you see when you visit the page because that’s just not us. We’re the elephant in the room when we attend a concert so the whole dated regurgitated glitter depicts our image. You either love it or hate it. Just like us. And our blog. Personally I think it’s fucking disgusting and hate it, but that’s just me.

hipster_ariel_by_carladawn-d52oywl

Tumblr is a great way to receive reach for your content, but Tumblr isn’t cutting bandwhoresanon checks at the end of the month. What are you ladies working towards in your lives, as far as jobs, school, or other interests outside of Jared Leto’s love dungeon?

K: Both me and T are students who have part time jobs. I wish tumblr would satisfy my bank account at the end of the month but it doesn’t, and I think sometimes our followers find it hard to understand that we actually, gasp, do things outside of the blog! The amount of abusive “asks” that we receive if we’re not active for a couple of days is pretty heavy. Making money out of something that entertains us would be a plus, but at the end of the day we need something to fall back on when it’s time to hang the Jeffery Campbell’s up and crawl out of the love dungeon.

H: I have a full time job that’s laced within the industry so for me work and the blog are something that fall side by side. Contrary to popular belief I am completely professional in my role at work and maintain a line between my working and personal relationships. The industry is a huge place though, so I can get away with it. Plus I’m pretty sure getting paid to sleep with band guys and blog about it afterwards would be considered some form of prostitution. Sucks.

tumblr_me5nycAn4l1qa42jro1_1280

How do three young women come together, develop, and successfully execute the idea of “bandwhoresanon?” Because, not everyone has the credentials or experience to do what you ladies do (and in some strange way you come off as too respectable to have met in an Asking Alexandria bus orgy).

K: It just kind of happened. I think we saw a few posts on Tumblr about hooking up and certain band guys and thought “well that isn’t quite right” and decided to create a blog with our own take on things. We didn’t expect it to gain half as much popularity as it has. We all knew each other outside the blog anyway, me and T are long term friends and now live together. When we started getting demand for questions about what bands do in the UK we asked H (who we met by coincidence about three years ago) to help us out. It’s just by luck that we are all into doing the same things (and guys) and have the same morals because there are some girls I know that if we asked them to help us out, they would have taken the blog in a whole different direction.

H: Haha. I’ll take that as a compliment, although i’m sure everyone has their own definition of what respectable is and I’m not sure running a blog about hooking up with band guys falls under many of them. Speaking of Asking Alexandria bus orgies, I have definitely met someone who has participated in one of them..

haters-gonna-hate-skrilex

You receive criticism for what you do by nature, primarily for receiving submissions that are thought to be rumors without credentials. What discretionary methods do you use to filter people’s serious inquiries and discussion topics from ambitious gossip?

T: Obviously we can’t confirm everything to be true but we try our best to be honest and answer things to the best of our knowledge. At the end of the day we’re a gossip blog, no different than a gossip magazine and we can’t always validate our sources. We receive a lot of criticism as some of the posts we receive DO contradict each other and we know that, but it’s up to people what they choose to believe. We have a disclaimer stating that we can’t confirm things and if someone believes everything that’s posted then it’s their choice. That being said we do receive a lot of bogus stories and they are pretty easy to spot as they are either clear self submissions from girls who are looking for attention, or dramatically over the top and resemble “Fan Fiction”. Obviously the ones that we think are bullshit don’t get posted but sometimes we do make mistakes and post ones that are later to be proven untrue but this isn’t our job so we can’t check everything is 100% fact. I’m not saying that everything that people submit to our blog is fiction and I can honestly say that I believe an extensive amount of it to be true. Having been around and experienced some of these guys for years it’s pretty easy to get a good idea of someone’s behaviour, particularly if you’ve experienced it first hand.

Judging by your interaction with “anons” and bare-all attitude, I don’t think you would host the site if you thought it was influencing young girls to do things or enter situations they ought not to. What is the mission or value of the site beyond assisting people to, well, get laid by band guys?

T: Initially for us the intention of the site was to provide people with what we see as the “correct way” to hook up with a band guy. If you’ve been to concerts in the past or are in a band then I’m sure you’ve all witnessed the girls that are finishing puberty and are struggling to decide if they’re a fangirl or a slut. You know the girls I’m talking about, the ones that are staggering around in six inch heels, plastered in makeup and lurking the bus lots after the show. The ones that you have to look over twice because you aren’t quite sure if they’re 14 or 18. These girls are always going to exist so we thought that we’d give them a bit of a heads up to save them the cringe worthy experience of having their efforts failing and evidently providing the band with a laugh. However the blog has been going for about a year or so now and I’ve found that it’s become a lot more than just a place to come for gossip regarding hooking up with band guys. We absolutely do not think that we are influencing young girls to hook up nor are we telling them to enter situations they can not get out of. We are constantly promoting safe sex and we’ve even dedicated a post regarding what to do if you ever get stuck in an uncomfortable situation. We aren’t encouraging these girls to follow in our footsteps whatsoever but some of them need to open their eyes up and realize that these guys aren’t the Princesses that they think they are. The majority are sex fueled, egotistical narcissists. The blog was never made with any intention to be malicious or hurt anyone, if we wanted to do that we would have created a secondary version of ‘Is Anyone Up’.

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A lot of “band guys” are built on the attitude that constant traveling grants them an opportunity to engage in minimal commitment and responsibility. When you pack the loneliness of a freight trucker into profession that breeds ego, I imagine you encounter a lot of douche-baggery. Why the affinity towards them?

K: We get asked this question a lot on the blog and it’s actually really hard to answer. I think a lot of people don’t realize that we get as much as the band guys do out of it. If you strike out the hostility that we receive from some guys for even being backstage and the egocentric demands that others think they have the right to ask from us we actually get a pretty good deal. We’re in our early twenties so we’re not looking to settle down, we’re just looking for a no strings attached way to have fun and what better way to do that than with hot guys that are just passing through our town? We can’t get attached to them, we get free entry to some good live music (although sometimes it completely sucks), free alcohol and sometimes the chance to make connections to people in bands that we actually listen too. Not to forget the sex (although like the music, sometimes that completely sucks also). What I’m trying to say is although we do receive some brash and unwanted comments from some band guys, overall it’s pretty worth it. I can’t explain why we’re attracted to them, we just are. Girls like us have been around for years before we were born and are going to be around long after we’ve settled down and had children. (Which FYI, my children will not be attending any concerts, ever).

H: I agree with everything that K has said but as I’ve stated previously I meet a lot of these guys through work and when your life is work-centric sometimes the easy option if you want to have some fun is just to tickle these guys ego’s.

Screen Shot 2014-04-18 at 1.40.55 PM

 

tickle’em pink, ladies.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Let’s talk about “amazing” bands

amazing bands

Hypothesis: there is a nearly perfect, negative correlation between how much people describe a band as “amazing” and how “amazing” they actually are. Basically, the more people online call a band “amazing” the more likely they are to be pretentious wieners who make music for other pretentious wieners with low self-esteem, with the central theme of the music being about how ur a pretentious wiener with low self-esteem (complete with rebloggable lyrics that validate your self-centered tween angst rly speak to you).

For example, bands that everyone calls “amazing”: Bane, Have Heart, Fugazi, Alkaline Trio, Defeater, Touche Amore, La Dispute, Botch, etc aka girlfriend-hardcore. How could u possibly think this is “amazing” lol?! Maybe if u have low t.

Bands that nobody has ever called “amazing”: Emmure, The Acacia Strain, Suicide Silence, The Summer Set FTSK, Issues, I See Stars, Hatebreed, These Hearts, A Memoria Brooded.

Screen Shot 2014-04-16 at 3.27.32 PM

 

Posted in what we think about stuff | 82 Comments

The types of people you meet on the internet when you start lifting for real

You can go almost anywhere fitness related and read about “LOL, CURL IN TEH SQUAT RACK!” types and other annoying people you encounter in the real world at the gym.  Fuck that.  That would be like writing an article about the lulzy rejects you’d see at shows.  What’s the fun in that?

Yeah, sure, you can see these people, but like anything else, the internet has an amplification effect on human interaction.  You get the average beardo metalfag at a show, and unless his ’tism is acting particularly up that day, he’ll spare you the lectures.  Get that same guy behind a keyboard 15 minutes later, and it’s rant city about how and why everything you like is not only wrong but evil.

Same with the gym.  You might hear some idiot bro talk his ignorant wisdom in the gym, but he’ll usually be pretty mild about it and still be open to the input of others.

Internet fitness culture gets even more condensed on youtube.  There you have wizard-level geniuses, retards, lying retards, lying retarded betas who think ghosts live in their stomachs, nice people whom I have no quarrel with (please don’t hurt me, CT), brolosophers so intense watching their videos will make you want to suplex a rhino, shit that hits a little too close to home, and guys who if they didn’t take up lifting would be socially awkward butthurt atheists (though I like how he shits on CrossFit and Elliott Hulse).

Livin' dat broscience lift

Dom Mazzetti, one of the few youtube fitness community members who isn’t either a crazy person or boring.  Why won’t this gif work?  Fuck it, click on it for the next great Misc gif.

 All those people, despite whatever faults they have, still have their shit together enough to have successful youtube channels.  The real paydirt is on those places where aspiring lifters go for advice: blogs and messageboards.  And so our journey begins.

1.  Bro-ignorant mesomorphs

Di…did you just ask for advice for putting on quality mass, you skinny fggt?  IN MY HOUSE!?  AW HELL NAW!

Bro-ignorant mesomorphs are ubiquitous on the internet.  Most of the time, they’re fairly big, and fairly lean.  They have absolutely no idea how they got there because they’re natural mesomosphs and have always been bigger and leaner than you and are likely also on some bunk balonie hormones.  Anything would have worked for this guy, but he knows the secrets that will help you overcome.

Are you having trouble with your routine? Ask one of these guys.  Contradictory advice is their calling card.

It’s too basic, you need to add more accessory work.  If your routine already has a lot of accessory work in it, then you’re a fucking homo and you need to stop with all this homo bodybuilding shit and get back to the basics and SQUAT AND EAT OATZ MOAR.  Fuck counting macros, that’s also holding you back.  You just need to work harder.  Like he did.

To visualize a bro-ignorant meso, imagine that guy at your gym that weighs 230 pounds and deadlifts 225 pounds with shitty form and a belt, then struts around the place saying shit like “Whoa” and “Woo” and “Aw, fuck” under his breath just loud enough for people to hear, as if what you just witnessed was a marvel to behold.

He’ll never compete on stage.  He’ll never compete in a powerlifting meet.  Despite his superior genetics, he will credit the success of pro bodybuilders on their “genetics” and not the nightmarish quantity of drugs they take.  He took the drugs too, and he didn’t get the results.  Explain that, nerd!  His failure will be because of his “genetics,” and not his party lifestyle and complete lack of discipline, organization, and work ethic.

Likely places to be found: anywhere Mark Rippetoe has been, T-Nation, Chaos and Pain

Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: Utter sincerity, with noticeable condescension.

2.  Beta Spergs

On the other end of the spectrum from bro-ignorance is the Beta Sperg.  These are the guys that have everything planned, everything figured out, and everything bought before they even set foot in a gym for the first time in their lives.  He has researched everything.  He is an encyclopedia of lifting knowledge.  He brings more and more expensive equipment to the gym than most elite powerlifters.  Most women are stronger than him.

There are generally two sub-types of Beta Sperg lifters; guys who have convinced themselves that they have come up with the most objectively perfect routine, backed by science; and guys who have, through research, uncovered ultra-secret Eastern Bloc routines kept secret by the Communists during the Cold War that allowed their Olympic athletes to achieve MAXIMUM GAINZ.  The latter will be in spreadsheet form and be almost indistinguishable from his EVE Online portfolio analyses.

LOL SCIENCE <3

LOL SCIENCE <3

Likely places to be found: Reddit, Somethingawful, 4chan, anywhere else guys who never got pussy congregate that might have a thread or board section about lifting (large comic book or video game forums)

Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: LOL, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THAT THING FROM THE INTERNET?!  WE SHARED SOMETHING IN COMMON SO WE ARE NOW FRIENDS.

3.  MARINE DAD

My dad wasn’t a Marine.  He’s not even an American.  Shamefully, he doesn’t even lift.  I can’t base this on interactions with my own father, but we all know at least one MARINE DAD in our lives.

MARINE DADS used to be in great shape.  He was a Marine, after all.  Shit, he might have fought in a war.  He’s a dad now, and has gotten soft.  What Ensure Revigor didn’t catch, some batshit infomercial routine he saw late at night gon’ get.

Every word of this commercial is the holy testament of God.

Every word of this commercial is the holy testament of God.

When the PX90 box shows up at your house, he’ll tell you that going to the gym is for fggts.  If the Marine Corps didn’t need a gym to make him a man, then you don’t either.  Did he mention how disappointed he is in you that you didn’t decide to be a YOO-NITED STATES MARINE?  He will.

Things like PX90 and Instantensity or whatever the fuck it is called appeal to MARINE DADS because it reminds them of their own training.  Jumping up and down in a room under the direction of a superior male specimen.  That’s all you need to get in shape.  The idea that repetitive and purposefully stressful activities are designed by the military to break you down mentally and not necessarily to get you in shape will not dawn on him.

Likely places to be found: Full Metal Jacket fan forums, militia blogs, shooting messageboards

Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: He has never heard or uttered this phrase in his entire life.

4.  Guys who will earn an IFBB pro card and then never compete again

All his life, all he wanted was to be a pro.  His room is plastered with all the greats; Ronnie Coleman, Ronnie Coleman, Ronnie Coleman, Ronnie Coleman, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In all seriousness, there are some guys out there who just have that bodybuilding virus.  They can’t get it out of their systems no matter what.  I’d probably be one of these guys too if I wasn’t so ecto.  That’s why men’s physique appeals to me.  And that’s why I hate these guys.

Psh, they're not real bodybuilders!  People aren't completely repulsed by them yet!

Psh, they’re not real bodybuilders! People aren’t completely repulsed by them yet!

He’s worked hard, he finally got that supplier for all the GH15 approved drugs, and he finished in the top five of the IFBB Pro-Am New Jersey Sub-Nationals Division B – Men’s 5’8″ and under category, and finally got that IFBB pro card.  He’s a pro now, and he’s better than you.  And he’s especially better than those men’s physique competitors!  Just a bunch of male swimsuit models if you ask him.  The IFBB has really gone downhill since they included women’s figure and bikini divisions and then these fggts!  This is about bodybuilding, not looking good and well-muscled.  If you don’t have an HGH gut you don’t belong on stage!

This attitude is likely because of the realization he mutated his body with all these drugs, making him grotesque to any female aside from those who have also become hormonized weirdos.  He doesn’t have what it takes to advance beyond this, so it’s time to get angry on the internet about guys who are taking the “easy route” and not doing as many drugs.

Likely places to be found: bodybuilding.com, secret steroid boards I can’t talk about

Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: Only said to natural BBers and men’s physique competitors, condescension masking envy

5.  Instagram figure competitors

God bless you ladies.  God bless Instagram.  God bless our atomized and narcissistic culture.

For those of you who don’t know, figure is a women’s bodybuilding division for girls who weren’t absolute pigs to start off with, who then dieted and trained right for six months.  Since it takes so little effort, I’m seeing more and more girls doing it, and flaunting it on instagram.

The flaunting is the necessary part.  Fat shaming now, fat shaming tomorrow, fat shaming forever.  Seriously, ladies, anything you can do to get yourselves away from “average,” which according to SJWs and their beta WKs is not “fat” despite what my lying eyes tell me, the better, and the more of it you throw on the internet, the best.

These girls tend to be silent.  They don’t do much except post pictures of themselves, what food they’re eating, and maybe some fitspirational quotes and pictures.  “Squat booty” seems to be a thing.  If I could just say one thing, though:

H-hi ladies.  Um, IDK if you know this or not, b-but squatting isn’t really a great posterior chain exercise.  Y-you really s-should be deadlifting more and calling it “deadlift booty.”  Th-thanks and y-you t-too.

To which their reaction would be: Ew.  Deadlifting.  That’s so gross, my hands would get all rough.

Why this trend?  Maybe she was a waterballoon who was tired of the extra weight.  Maybe she was a freakishly skinny girl who realized “strong is the new skinny.”  Maybe she was an athlete and this interested her.  Maybe she got dumped by her boyfriend and this is how she is dealing with it.  Notice how none of these are “is your girlfriend and you successfully convinced her to go to the gym with you and do anything other than cardio.”  I’m not saying this is impossible, I’m just saying it is impossible for your beta ass.

Likely places to be found: Instagram, if they’re pro and kinda well known, maybe facebook.

Connotations of “Do you even lift?”: Angry, defensive, and needlessly competitive.  She’s trying to prove to you she’s one of the guys.  And also trying to handle her crippling body image issues.  And also her crippling emotional issues.  Why won’t anyone just love her?

Posted in advice, mesh shorts, new jersey, people you should run away from, shred, swole nation, the internets | 47 Comments

French Canadian Skate Punk – The Lost Genre

masterslave
Let me educate all of you ignorant Americans a little about my irrelevant country. In Canada, we have these things called “provinces” which is basically like our version of states. There is a province occupied by the French called “Quebec”. Here’s a map to give you a better idea…

canada

Such a large chunk of our country completely dominated by French people… totally groce right? The capital city where I live in across the river from Quebec is even considered “bilingual” (ewww). But I will give the French credit for two things… poutine and skate punk. For whatever reason, when the EpiFat sound became popular in the 90′s, the place that it hit the hardest was Quebec. Still to this day, they worship NOFX as gods and they view Fat Mike in the same way that metalheads view Lemmy. Quebec skate punk was basically like Cali skate punk‘s younger brother who wanted to be as kewl as his big bro who he looked up to.

Reset were the kings of French Canadian skate punk. They set the trend for all the other bands to follow. Eventually the singer and drummer left and started Simple Plan. The guitarist still to this day desperately tries to continue the band with new members but the only time anyone cares about them anymore is when the original lineup reunites to play a show.

vid of the drummer interviewing the singer of bad religion when he was like 16

Oversight was one of the first bands that came to mind for this genre. They were known for their proficient (by punk standards) musicianship. Despite being somewhat heavily jocked, I doubt that many people outside of Quebec care about them (source: all of the comments on that youtube video are in French).

oversightcomment
typical skate punk fan, 30+ and french canadian

I have high levels of nostalgia for X-Large because they were one of my first introductions to Quebec skate punk. This brings me back to the early days of internet music piracy when Napster was my main source for downloading music and I discovered this band on there. These guys named themselves “X-Large” cause their singer was really fat.

This is another band I found out about through Napster from this French guy that I used to download off of. I also downloaded the Simple Plan demo off him, before anyone knew who they were. #poppunkhipster

I’ll always hold a special place in my heart for Twenty2. Out of all the bands in this scene, they seemed like they could have been the one to “break out” but they never quite made it. They did have their music videos played on MusiquePlus (French Canadian MTV) though, which I guess is like the benchmark of success for these types of bands.

This band had a really really nasally vocalist, but they were sick. I wish these bands were more popular because I know they had better songs than this but this is the only one I could find on youtube. Props to ov3r5ight for uploading all of these bands though.

Screwl Stew (what the fuck does that mean?) was really good. Lol @ the super dated Budweiser commercial clip at the beginning. They only have one album before they changed their name and went radio rock (how did that even make news?). Here’s their best song, the dude who uploaded it disabled embedding.

Screwl+Stew
lol people abused hair gel way too much in the 90′s… was that dude in the front right in Aqua??

2FAST4U (best name ever) was a band that kind of bordered on melodic hardcore. This whole album is masterpiece and I think it’s aged really well (but maybe that’s the nostalgia talking). Check out the epic choir-like vocals at 0:54.

This band was so kiq ass. Props to the dude who uploaded this for putting the lyrics in the video. So much lulzy broken English. I have no idea what this song is about but the music is awesome.

Brain Puker was ridiculously good. Once you get past the weird 50′s ballad intro, you will hear some of the sickest skate punk ever. Their melodies and harmonies are god tier.

Illness was another band that had really good melodies/harmonies. Like many other bands in this genre, they broke up after they released one mini-album and then reunited to play a show in their small village 10 years later.

this is actually a really tight set

As you may have been able to tell by now, lyrics are not this genre’s strong point. But in some cases this can be exemplified in a lulzy way, like this song about marijuana activism. “There is something that I just can’t stand. It’s to see people being arrested for a single gram of weed”. Lol! As much as I hate pot, I can thankfully say that no one here in Canada has ever been arrested for having a gram of weed.

I thought these guys were kinda popular but I guess not because I could only find four songs from them and this is their most viewed song at a whopping 720 views. The weird thing is that a lot of these bands’ CD’s sell on Ebay for hundreds of dollars.

Trendy Five only released a couple of demos and they were pretty amateur sounding. I’d imagine that they’d be inaccessible for people who aren’t into this style of music but for people who are really into skate punk, these types of bands are cult status.

Mute is a band that is keeping the dream alive. These are dudes that live and die for skate punk. They have somehow captured the small demographic of people who are still into this type of music and they tour the world playing it to this day. I have to note that everyone in this video looks 30+ except for the drummer/singer, who has some sort of Andy Milonakis shit going on I think.

quebecois

I could probably list more bands (via being a huge nerd) but I’ll stop there. I’m glad to have finally documented this awesome piece of musical history that no one cares about. If you want to dig deeper into this genre, here are some resources:

- 30 Band Quebec Skate Punk Mix Tape some dude uploaded
- Skate Punk Memories Blog
- Skatepunkers.net

Posted in bands i like, bands u may have slept on, punk | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

TRAITORS – most ignorant band ever or just kinda boring?

SLUDGEWAVE
On my search to find the most downtuned, heaviest, ignorant sludgewave band, I think I found the band that takes the prize. Normally when people bash these types of bands, they’ll be like “that band sucks, their songs are just a 3 minute breakdown” when in reality it’s a bunch of breakdowns with a riff or two thrown in. But these guys’ songs are ACTUALLY a 3 minute breakdown.

lol the vocalist looks like the guitarist from limp bizkit with the black contacts

I get so many weird feels while watching this video. I keep waiting for the riff to happen but it never does. But surely 3 and a half minutes of breakdown should be a good thing right? Then why am I not satisfied? Could I be infected with tr00berculosis? Am I too pussie to handle this level of ignorance? Could I have found a band who is actually too ignorant?

chart

Posted in moshcore, new jamz | Tagged , | 57 Comments