MATTY MULLINS releases new video; enters the cringe hall of fame

Self-declared voice of a generation and inspirational figure MATTY MULLINS has released a new video and WOW, it’s a doozy. Basically, what happens is that he picks up his girlfriend from her McMansion, then they hop in his convertible Mini Cooper (with personalized license plates) and they cavort in a series of extremely contrived, by the numbers “romantic” situations. If you thought his last single where he writes from the perspective of God (srs) was the pinnacle of cringey, phony, narcissism then you thought wrong, because this video sets a new high water mark for being up you own ass– truly a masterpiece of self-indulgence!!!

A few highlights:

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she looks so fucking uncomfortable. poor girl :/

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cool fedora. moderately surprised that he isn’t wearing sunglasses. also, nice blinds, very Lowe’s “Home Expressions.”

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nm just wearing shades and doing “R&B hands” in a field hbu

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sweet ride. michael scott would be jelly.

This is one of the most brutal, cringey pieces of video I have ever seen. Like, it’s literally hard to watch– I’m squirming uncomfortably in my chair the whole time, like when you watch footage of yourself from the 8th grade talent show and it’s so awful and embarrassing that it makes your taint hurt. If you can somehow make it to 3:00, check out where he makes a “yolo” joke in September of 2014. Fuck.

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this year’s PUNK GOES POP might be the best yet!!

PUNK GOES POP VOL. 6 is scheduled to be released November 17th, and the tracklist is a doozy. Not only do we get the zillionth metalcore band covering “I Knew You Were Trouble”, but it’s also a reminder that bands you might mistake for “real music” such as August Burns Red and State Champs are in fact firmly planted in zany scene tradition.

Personally, what I am most excited to hear:

  • TYLER CARTER make a okay-goodish PARAMORE song 5 times better.
  • Crymosh ethno-chillwave djentboyz VOLUMES cover DRAKE, a pairing so appropriate it sounds like something I would make up as an offhand joke rather than something that actually exists.
  • UPON A BURNING BODY covering “Turn Down For What” with ICE-T definitely sounds promising, but does anybody still give a shit about this band since their singer pulled that wack kidnapping stunt earlier this year?
  • KNUCKLE PUCK, the 3rd generation WONDER YEARS ripoff band (via REAL FRIENDS), is covering “Chocolate” by The 1975, which is a song about how middle-class suburban kids spend all their time smoking weed. This is a smart move, because being a boring stoner is the last missing piece of the angsty tr00 pop punk/Nu-Emo triumvirate (the others are being butthurt at girls and hating this town).

1. Tyler Carter (feat. Luke Holland) – “Ain’t It Fun” – Paramore
2. August Burns Red – “Wrecking Ball” – Miley Cyrus
3. We Came As Romans – “I Knew You Were Trouble” – Taylor Swift <3
4. Upon A Burning Body (feat. Ice-T) – “Turn Down For What” - DJ Snake/Lil Jon
5. Set It Off – “Problem” – Ariana Grande/Iggy Azalea
6. Crown The Empire – “Burn” – Ellie Goulding
7. Oceans Ate Alaska – “Drunk In Love” – Beyonce/Jay Z
8. Youth In Revolt – “Royals” – Lorde
9. Volumes – “Hold On, We’re Going Home” – Drake/Majid Jordan
10. Knuckle Puck – “Chocolate” – The 1975
11. Slaves – “Sweater Weather” – The Neighborhood
12. State Champs – “Stay The Night” – Zedd/Hayley Williams
13. Palisades – “Happy” – Pharrell

warped tour

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BMTH has a new song and it sounds like COLDPLAY

barfing

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More evidence that the myspace/scene revival is just around the corner

ap stories

If u ever wrote off my predictions of a neon/scene/myspace revival as a joke or wishful thinking, you might want to start reconsidering that. Check out this list of the popular stories on altpress.com as of October 9, 2014 for yet another proof point that The Neon Years are primed to return:

  • 15 best screamers in modern metalcore: BMTH, OM&M, ATTACK ATTACK, WOE IS ME and other scene fixtures are taken seriously as musicians in 2014. 5 years ago, i told everybody this was going to happen and they laughed at me. but who’s laughing now???! they called Galileo a fool you know!!!
  • Tim Lambesis interview: hello, 2007 called and it wants its headlines back
  • 10 bands who will influence the pop-screamo revival of 2017: need i say more? technically more of a mid-00s, pre-neon revival, but close enough. i personally draw a line between the “bootcut girl jeans, white belt, YL underoath shirt, atticus messenger bag and draven shoes” era and “scene”-proper, but admittedly i am splitting hairs here.
  • Ronnie Radke vs Escape The Fate feud: can’t wait to hear what Hannah Beth and Audrey Kitching have to say about Buzznet’s favorite bad boy!! perfect article to read on your sidekick while you warm up your flatiron.
  • 16 scene fads we regret partaking in: this is the real clincher. now that everybody scene phase is 5-8 years in the rearview mirror, they are ready to look back on it with nostalgic/ironic detachment– the first prerequisite for any revival.

scene-2

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VICE steals one of my jokes in a stangry post about djent

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As u may have seen via the internet, some guy who writes for Vice’s music blog Noisey wrote a stangry article about djent. The basic gist of it is “djent exists, and that makes my butt hurt very badly.” It is your usual case of some hipster going on a longwinded rant about how much he hates something that has been old news for years (this article might have been kind of timely in 2009). That isn’t very noteworthy, but I did notice that they ripped off one of my jokes– the “Fleshlight stage at Warped Tour” bit that I have been using since 2012:

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I feel like I have finally arrived! Thank you, Vice!

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POLL: why is Halloween so popular with annoying, alternative white people?

halloween-e1320020477643

It’s October, and you know what that means: alternative white people won’t shut the fuck up about how excited they are for Halloween. Whether it’s lots of unwanted details about all the various ideas they have for zany costumes, lists of what zombie movies they’ll be watching this weekend, or just gushing about “omggggg i can’t wait for halloween *pumpkin emoji*”, you can bet your paycheck that every alternative white person on your social media will be bombarding you about it all month.

In this post, I will list some of the reasons that this holiday annoys me so much. Please help me think of more, because I’m sure I missed some!

back to f costume

When parents use their child as a zany prop/excuse to force lame, nerdy pop-culture references from their own childhood onto the world

matty mullins

not rly an example of the above but i couldn’t resist posting this pic of a young matty mullins

man w baby 1

manchildren who use halloween as a reason to sperg out by making an embarrassingly elaborate costume (bonus points if they follow up with lots of unsolicited information on their upcoming DIY horror movie and their plans for the makeup effects– extra bonus if they punish you with details on how practical effects are better than all the cheap CGI in today’s movies)

scuplting

pls tell me more about ur VHS horror movie collection and how Wishmaster 4 is akshually an underrated classic

someecards

ppl who make IRL versions of internet memes *exasperated face emoji*. Basically the human version of the “stale memes” section of the t-shirt wall at Hot Topic.

ironic man

this is “ironic man.” u know this smug asshole is just burning with desire for u to ask him what his costume is so he can tell u the punchline and everybody will tell him how clever he is and instagram it while he sips his craft beer and pats himself on the back for being so witty

there are few genres of music that irritate me as much as halloween-core. this song might conjure up visions of jack o’lanterns and movie monsters in your head, but all I can think about is girls with Betty Page hair and fat arms making facebook updates about their rollerderby league’s halloween extravaganza

lol @ ppl pretending there was anything at all good about SAMHAIN other than their (admittedly sick) logo. have you ever actually LISTENED to them?! holy shit they’re bad. literally sounds like two different bands playing at once, and they are both out of tune. like CRASS, only without the smart, funny lyrics.

nohalloween

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Tyler Carter’s mom repping XIBALBA

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In case you ever doubted that ISSUES is the most advanced band of our generation, they somehow just managed to topp Tyler Carter wearing a NAILS shirt on stage

 

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the dude from abandon all ships started a rapcore band that sounds like a down-tuned version of fury of five

angelo(not actually from the Bronx or Harlem)

Many tears were shed tonight by Canada’s trancecore youth as Abandon All Ships played their farewell show in their hometown of Toronto. But they’re not out of the music game just yet because lead vocalist Angelo has just debuted his new band.

I’m admiring the “street” aesthetic with the brick wall and graffiti font. The parental advisory sticker is so 1999 rap metal which makes sense because I’m hearing some Limp Bizkit influences with the DJ scratching. Were those added in by Pauly D? I’m not sure if he plans on making this a full band or if he’s just going to keep it a solo project so he can try and collect the money he lost during the last Abandon All Ships tour through iTunes downloads but either way, I’m looking forward to hearing more.

Like Sine of the Lion on Facebook

What do u think of Angelo’s new project? Do u think it will take off or will it somehow manage to be even less popular than Abandon All Ships’ last album? Is it not too late for him to hop on the nu-core trend or should he just try to hide the fact that he’s Canadian like he’s probably already doing so he can join The New Wave of American Hard Rock as soon as possible?

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CRUEL HAND join the NEW WAVE OF AMERICAN HARD ROCK

If u thought that the “going full HOOBASTANK” thing was limited the big scene bands of yesteryear trying to claw their way to mainstream stardom, u thought wrong. Once the darlings of the RIDETHELIGHTNINGCORE scene, Maine’s CRUEL HAND are now a part of the growing NEW WAVE OF AMERICAN HARD ROCK.

More specifically, they sound almost exactly like the second NO WARNING album, which was widely hated at the time for “sounding like LINKIN PARK.” That’s definitely what I thought at the time, but listening now I am kind of puzzled as to what we were all so upset about. Maybe my brain has just been numbed by all the mind-bottling musical development of the past ten years (this came out in 2004, or a full 4 years BC ['before crunkcore']) but when I listen to it now I don’t really get what all the hate was about.

Either way, here we go– expect yesterday’s ENTOMBED/TYPE O/MERCHSWAPCORE trendhoppers to be tomorrow’s THOUSAND FOOT KRUTCH clones!

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Joyce Manor thinks that stage-diving is completely unacceptable

Let that be a lesson to all young aspiring stage-divers: NEVER STAGE DIVE DURING AN ORGCORE BAND’S SET. THEY ARE OLD MEN WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND THE LIFESTYLES OF THE YOUTH. THEY HAVE THE SAME SET OF VALUES AS YOUR PARENTS. They are probably used to telling their kids similar things. Don’t cuss! Clean your room! No eating in the living room! Don’t mix molly with coke! Please kids, just SAY NO to orgcore, for christ’s sakes!

orgcore

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