YOUTHGROUPCORE is the best genre of music imo

cool_teens___youth_group_logo_by_travisself-d4qk31n

I’m not a Christian, but I always kind of wished I was. As someone who grew up in a family of drug addicts, losers and criminals, that stuff has never really been exciting or interesting to me. When 5 of your 8 uncles have done time and 2 of the other ones got killed, the novelty of “the dark side” kind of wears off, you know? I guess we always want what we don’t have, because even though I don’t believe in God, I’ve always admired and envied the Christian lifestyle.

“Living on the edge” doesn’t sound cool to me, it sounds stressful and humiliating. What sounds exotic and enchanting to me is being a middle-class white person with a 9-5 job whose biggest concern is whether to let his kids play M-rated video games. Like the Belgians who live out their fantasies about being cool American thugs by listening to Madball and Sworn Enemy, I live out my dream of being a boring G-rated suburbanite by listening to its official soundtrack: YOUTHGROUPCORE.

Let’s start with what I consider to be the posterchildren for YOUTHGROUPCORE, RELIANT K. Mainstays of the CD section at the Christian bookstore, if ur parents thought that GOOD CHARLOTTE was “too worldly” for u too handle, these guys were probably your introduction to the world of pop-punk-thats-not-really-punk-at-all. They’re so painfully dorky and G-rated that this song is about Sadie Hawkins dances– I love it!!!

chairs

I am obsessed with the Christian Memes page. So advanced!!!!

“Life is good, eternal life is better” *crying with laughter emoji*

And then we have STELLAR KART, aka ”the Christian SIMPLE PLAN.” Gotta love them rocking the single-sweatband-on-your-forearm, bleached spiky hair, Dickies shorts and Atticus tee look in 2005, 5-7 years after it was even remotely acceptable in the secular world. But as we know from “the Christian/Euro rule,” those two demographics are always a solid half-decade behind the times so it totally works in their case.

Switching things up a bit, we have FAMILY FORCE 5, who are kind of like COBRA STARSHIP or 3OH!3 if everybody in the band was a home-schooled virgin. I’ve tried several times to get into this band but I just can’t. There’s nothing WRONG with their music but idk, it just doesn’t do it for me– maybe because I assume that songs like “Love Addict” aren’t about a girl they want to eff, they’re about being addicted to Christ’s love.

ring

A girl who listens to STELLAR KART, wears a purity ring, and apologizes for saying “frickin” = instantly wife

FM STATIC is actually a legit solid powerpop/rock band. You can think of them as the Christian MEST, but without the self-hatred and darkness that makes MEST attractive to fucked up losers instead of happy, well-adjusted teens who text their moms “just to say I miss u.” IDK that they’ll go down as one of my favorite bands of all time, but FM STATIC are definitely a cut above the rest. I’d also file HAWK NELSON under this heading– solid band.

While they’re a bit more on the ‘hard rock’ side of things we can’t talk about YOUTHGROUPCORE without mentioning SKILLET. The band is absolutely awful but their videos have 25-75 million views; it’s baffling how giant they are. Definitely a staple of the church scene, and a safe alternative to ‘worldly’ bands like FFDP (who use the ‘f’ word in several songs).

looserfer

Another band that transcends “adorably lulzy Christian music” status is MXPX, who are also pioneers of the whole “delicately avoiding the topic of whether they’re a Christian band or not” thing. This is so the secular kids will think they’re a secular band, but the Christian kids will think they’re a Christian band, and they can sell stuff to both markets. Bands like ATTACK ATTACK and BLESSTHEFALL later perfected this technique, but MXPX were among the first to do it.

Speaking of fake Christians, I feel like this is a good time to talk about how fucking awesome BLESSED BY A BROKEN HEART were. It’s really a shame that they got ghettoized into the Christian scene because the truth is that they were one of the most advanced bands of all time. Watch this video a few times because it’s almost impossible to catch everything in one go: the FF7 battle music, the Mortal Kombat movie clips, the Beverly Hills Cop theme, and not to mention that they were doing ESCAPE THE FATE before ESCAPE THE FATE (and much better imo). If you haven’t given this band a shot you really should; “Pedal To The Metal” is a fucking classic.

IMG_4987

Posted in what u do after school when u live in the suburbs, what we think about stuff | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Top 20 songs that emo/scene kids know (in 2009)

scene videos

It can be difficult to get nostalgic about 90s hardcore. And not just because the music is incredibly shitty– it’s hard to even find documentation of most of that stuff since, well, the internet didn’t exist. Fortunately that is definitely not the case with the music of the late 2000s, which is just now getting old enough for people in their early-mid 20s to get nostalgic about. As the internet’s premiere scene historian, this means that SYWH is about to go from being passe and irrelevant to cutting edge again!

In this installment of the ‘scene time capsule,’ let’s take a look at this video from 2009 called “Top 20 songs that emo/scene kids know.” 2009 seems like it was just yesterday, but if you think about it a lot has changed since then. A kid who was 17 then is 22 now, and the tr00bonic plague has made neon, swoopy hair and synth leads all but extinct.

When I look at this video, I basically see three categories of bands represented: those that fell off/fizzled out, those that blew up, and a handful that just kinda stayed in the same place they were in 2009.

BANDS THAT KINDA FIZZLED/FELL OFF

  • #18 We The Kings “Check Yes Juliet”
    I totally thought this band was gonna be mainstream popular– the anthem for those girls who are like 85% mainstream Hollister girls, but like 15% Journeys-style alternative (ie, Fall Out Boy is “their favorite band” but they only know the singles) aka THE PERFECT KIND OF GIRL.
  • #13 Toki Hotel “Ready Set Go”
    Remember when this band tried to get popular in the US and completely flopped? Also, who else thought the singer was a cute scene girl at first?
  • #7 Boys Like Girls “The Great Escape”
    This song is OK but I prefer their more neon material (where they got Sam N Sluggo to write all their good songs)
  • #10 The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus “Face Down”
    Really thought this band had potential to be a Cobra Starship/Plain White Ts kind of crossover thing, but they fell off like whoa. Apparently they are still a band, with 1.5m Facebook fans, but
  • #9 Bullet For My Valentine “Tears Don’t Fall”
    Love the “Famous Stars & Straps tee with bootcut jeans, cowboy belt buckle, and Draven shoes” look!!! Hits me right in the VampireFreaks feels.
  • #19 Story Of The Year “Anthem Of Our Dying Day”
    This band is actually really good and I feel like they deserve more love than they get these days. If I recall correctly, at least a couple of them are hardcore kids too.

BANDS THAT BLEW UP

  • #20 ADTR “Downfall Of Us All”
    Pretty funny that this was #20, but in all fairness nobody in 2009 would have predicted they’d turn into a Billboard top 10 rock band. Also, I forgot how fucking awesome this song is. What a banger.
  • #12 Escape The Fate “Situations”
    Would NEVER have guessed that ETF *and* Ronnie Radke would still be huge in 2014, but here we are! Still a staple of the “slightly white trash girls with tons of facial piercings and GEDs who grew up in broken homes” demographic.
  • #2 Paramore “Misery Business”
    Also surprised that this band ended up sticking around. Props to my boy David Bendeth for reinvigorating his career as a hitmaker with this one– he is also the producer behind the albums that put ASKING ALEXANDRIA, BMTH and OF MICE & MEN on the map as legit mainstream rock bands.

BANDS THAT JUST KINDA STAYED IN THE SAME PLACE

  • #6 Panic At The Disco “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”
    Mind = blown that PATD is still kind of a huge band in 2014 (they have 6 million fb fans wtf) even though it’s basically just “the Brandon Urie show” now. Just goes to show the power of putting a cute guy on stage with a guitar!
  • #15 Saosin “You’re Not Alone”
    #14 From First To Last “Note To Self”
    #11 Underoath “Writing On The Walls”
    #8 Taking Back Sunday “Make Damn Sure”
    #4 30 Seconds To Mars “The Kill”
    #3 Hawthorne Heights “Ohio Is For Lovers”
    #1 MCR “Black Parade”
    Pretty much the who’s-who of “seminal mid-00s scene bands.” Can’t wait until the Myspace generation has kids who are old enough to use the internet so their parents can post braggy statuses like “Kaige is only 4 but he already has great taste in music– this morning he put on his mom’s To Write Love On Her Arms hoodie and started singing along to BREATHE CAROLINA!!!!”

 

Screen Shot 2014-07-29 at 3.51.54 PM

Posted in what we think about stuff | Tagged , | 62 Comments

ABOUT THAT LIFE releases new song; calls out Mat Kerekes from Citizen

xATLx is quickly becoming one of the most controversial and talked about bands in hardcore. For this song we have decided to call out Mat Kerekes (or as we call him, “Mat Carkeys”) from Citizen for our own personal reasons. You can watch the lyric video below after the jump.

Be sure to check us out on Facebook and Bandcamp. Stay hardcore.

Posted in announcements, hardcore, hxc, lulzy videos, new jamz | Tagged , , , , , | 41 Comments

Abandoned By Bears made T-Swift #EZCRAB

Two of my favorite artists – Abandoned By Bears and Taylor Swift have finally united! And don’t come at me with stupid comments like “lol didn’t this song come out like 2 years ago, why are they just covering it now” because we all know songs like this are timeless. Or maybe it just took that long for it to hit Swedish airwaves, idk.

taylorswiftthumbsup

Posted in bands i like, easycore, new jamz | Tagged , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

singer of Modern Baseball spotted hanging out with the Millionaires; potentially jeopardizes tr00 credibility

Run For Cover’s Modern Baseball has quickly risen to the top of teen bloggers’ playlists across the nation within the last year, but according to these recent pictures that have surfaced on the internet, the singer may be leading a double life and isn’t as tr00 as we were led to believe…

modernbaseballsinger1

Ok, there must be some logical explanation for this… maybe Melissa is just a fan and they wanted to have their pictures taken with him? I mean, I saw a picture of her wearing a Man Overboard hoodie, so maybe she’s into that type of music? He seems like a nice guy who would take pictures with any fans, even if they made music that is trite, soulless and lacking substance… oh, god, wait… he’s wearing a Millionaires shirt. This may be worse than I thought…

pizzapartyWell, that’s pretty… pop punk? Does the pizza lose credibility when it’s being fed to you by the Millionaires?

hoverhandIs he hover-handing Allison’s thighs?

lol

Lol!

costume

He wasn’t wearing that costume in the Your Graduation video…

Will these findings jeopardize Modern Baseball’s career? Is this a ploy for Melissa to gain more credibility in within the tumblr/pop punk community? Could this mean a potential Modern Baseball/Millionaires collaboration is in the making?

Posted in lolwat, lolz, lulzy pictures | Tagged , , , , , , | 43 Comments

Brooklyn Girls by Catey Shaw – a scant 14 years late to the party

In the late 90s and v early 2000s, if you were a hipster, you moved to Brooklyn.  “Hipster” back then, meant you were ahead of the curve, likely grew up if not in metro New York itself, at least on the East Coast, and made the move because rent was cheaper than the LES.  Fast forward to 2014, and Brooklyn is now full of special snowflakes from Nebrahoma unironically complaining about “gentrification” while their dads pay their rent.  This has been A Thing for years now, but it hasn’t been captured in a music video until now.

Have you ever wondered what a bunch of groce looking chicks hanging around on stoops, standing next to graffiti, and mingling with Diversities would look like, set to a soundtrack about being proud about how “gritty” you are?  “Gritty” here defined as “intentionally having poor personal hygiene and little concern for your appearance despite having the access, background, and money to not have to do this to yourself.”  Well, wonder no further.

  • :02 Screencap this and it’s basically what you should see when you close your eyes and think “tumblr.”
  • You can tell she’s a “rly into this hipster thing u guise” with the blue hair.  Every time I see one of these girls on the L or G trains I think “Well, you just got here.”
  • :07 You see that building?  Depending on the number of bedrooms in each unit, rent in there is no less than about $1200 per person.  I believe you when you say you can pay this all by yourself with your job blogging at Jezebel, and you side job blogging at XOjane.
  • :12 dropping zip codes is so LA.  This is a song about Brooklyn, remember?
  • :46 I’m fairly certain this girl would smell like the inside of ABC No Rio during a Saturday matinee show in the summer.
  • :54 Nets hat spotted.  The Nets were from New Jersey.  Possible subliminal message?
  • 1:23 Ironic rollerblading.  The 90s were a long time ago, get ready for dat 90s nostalgia.
  • 2:36-2:40 and again @ 2:45-2:49 Last Night’s Party montage, LMAO I was like LMAO
  • 2:41 L train reference.  So far we’ve had a zip code, Jay-Z (who is now about as “Brooklyn” as a brand strategy consultant, so in a weird way, v, v Brooklyn), and now the L train.  She sounds like she “rly knows what she’s talking about.”
  • 3:09 You can just hear the “WOW, JUST WOW!  BIGOTLORD!”

I’m dubbing what you have seen here as the “HBO’s ‘Girls’ Syndrome.”

Given the number of unattractive girls in combat boots and skinnyfat beta males with beards in this video, it makes me think it was originally about SJWs on Twitter or some shit, because that shit is all up high in the mix and the “Brooklyn” stuff is p superficial.  Like the producer was all like “You know what, I don’t think a song about hashtag activism and fat acceptance and how beauty standards are irrelevant is going to be a hit.  Rewrite it about…oh I don’t know…what are the kids into these days…Brooklyn?  Is Brooklyn still a thing?” but they had all the footage already shot for the video so they just did the best they could with it in editing.

I’m not quite sure Brooklyn is a place to hype anymore.  New York City has always been among literally the worst places in America to live, but now even that charm has worn off.  Transplant white women in Brooklyn are almost universally unhappy people.  Some were brokens and moved in unhappy, but other became brokens.  Contemporary urban space does that to people.  Being a spinster drunk dating the quasi-trannies that are the men of the dating pool in Brooklyn is p hard.  So hard it requires a regimen of mood stabilizers.  They don’t seem to work though, because most of these chicks seem pretty prone to outbursts and going through men.

Crying constantly, being empty and unfulfilled, and never leaving your apartment is worth it when you consider all the great ethnic food in your neighborhood.  That’s worth everything.  All other values fall to the side.  Fuck, now that I think about it, Brooklyn and internet feminism might actually be the same thing.

Yo, and one last thing…where the fuck is that accent from?  I didn’t bother to research this bish but if she’s An Euro, you can kinda excuse this video by just chalking it up to European Personality Disorder rather than just being lulzy and out of touch (still a symptom on EPD, tho).

Posted in doesn't compute, embarrassing, fat arms, fucking gross, girls with low self esteem, hipster chicks, hipster shit, horrible accents, human garbage, i am a 20 year old girl, is this a joke, krazy white ppl, lax parenting, non threatening versions of urban culture, overthinking stuff, poor life choices, post-irony, ppl i do not want to see naked, stuff white people like, SWPL, ugly ppl, unattractive alternative girls, unemployment, urban attention seekers, vanity, we got student loans to do THIS?, well educated liberals, white, white foolishness, white people gone wild, white ppl, whole foods, zany things that white ppl do | Tagged , , , , , , | 38 Comments

bands that never got anywhere then disappeared: hollistercore edition

hollister                                                       the “Co.” stands for core

It has pretty much been established that Sarge is the master of coining faux-genres. One of my newer favorites, that he invented early this year, is HOLLISTERCORE. This label is for those bands that, you know, don’t quite have the super-saccharin-level of poppiness that most Neon Pop bands do, but definitely aren’t punxxx enough to be considered pop punk. I mean, basically it is pop rock, yes. But pop rock is such a vague term. Maroon 5 could be considered pop rock. So from now on, this stuff is known as HOLLISTERCORE and I will assign the following bands to their rightful genre.

Words cannot express how much I love The Best Week Ever! The reason for this being that I love (old) We Are The In Crowd, and this is practically the same thing. They’re even from the same city. I’ll even go out on a limb and say that the girl is almost as cute as Taylor Jardine. The singerbro was actually in WATIC for a brief period and he was also vocalist for risecore legends THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS, and like 40 other bands.

I’m not quite sure where Miles From Home fits in the Neon Pop/Hollistercore spectrum. On one hand, they do have synth throughout the whole song, but the dude is actually playing the synth on a keyboard. I feel like tr00 Neon Pop bands would just program their synth parts on a computer. Plus the singer’s voice is like 20 pitches lower than the average Neon Pop vocalist. Regardless, this song is a jam.

This is the PERFECT Hollistercore song. I really dig the piano in the pre-chorus, and that Hollistercore breakdown at 2 minutes = UR MOSHING. I feel like these guys didn’t make it big in the Hollistercore scene because they’re too awkward looking, as this video repeatedly shows us over and over again with the same pictures.

The Summer Soundtrack bring a little southern twang to the Hollistercore sound. The opening riff might make you think you’re listening to a country pop song but then the singer comes in sounding Hollister as fuck. They actually kind of remind me of the Maine, before they started sucking.

mainebeforeafter                                                              fuckin sellouts

I feel like some of these Hollistercore bands would have been more successful if they didn’t release music videos because this song is a banger, but the singer reminds me of the kid who Miley and Lilly were friends with on Hannah Montana, and the guitarist’s swag is all off with his tie and purple guitar, plus the drummer looks like he’s 12. My favorite part is at 2:40 when the girl jumps into the pool and the dude gets knocked off of his floatie.

Now we’re getting into some DEEP CUTS. These guys totally have the Hollistercore aesthetic down and wouldn’t look that out of place in a Hollister store itself. I love how the music video goes all glitchy during the glitchy vocal parts. Kind of advanced IMO. Also mirin the chorus lasers. So catchy. I guess the singer’s sister was the only girl available to appear in the music video though?

Catch Me If You Can was sooo good. The singer was probably attractive enough to make it. Too bad they’ll go mostly unknown. The girl in the video is actually the girl from the first band I posted on here (LACEY CAROLINE <3). Of course a kissing scene is carefully woven into plot of this video. I’m pretty jealous of him, not gonna front, even though he’s wearing a soccer jacket. Stream their discography here for more of that hot Hollistercore fire.

This band had a really weird name. They ended up changing it to “Party Like Summer” (good call). Too bad they released their best material under the weird name. This video has some lulzy moments. LOL @ the guitarist’s dance thing at 1:50. Usually I love catchy synth parts that come out of nowhere but what the fuck is up with that high pitched synth sound at 2:32? It sounds like they played it on a dog whistle.

Did u not know any of the bands on this list due to ur poor pedestrian taste? Is it safe to say that Hollistercore is one of the best genres? Or are you the type of clueless poser who can’t tell the difference between Hollistercore and Americaneaglecore? 

Posted in bands i like, bands u may have slept on, pop | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

EXCLUSIVE PREMIERE: New DROWNING video (ft fat kids moshing in a banquet hall)

Our buddies in DROWNING were kind enough to provide us with an exclusive premiere of their new video. In case you’re too busy with your career as a high-powered attorney/financial planner or satisfying your 10/10 girlfriend’s insatiable desire for sex to watch, here’s the cliff notes:

  • Love the “venue” (presumably the banquet hall at some hotel in Naperville that was foolish enough to rent it out for a DIY hardcore show). Nothing says bigtime like carpeted floors, card tables and folding chairs!
  • Lots of fat guys in this video, with the worst offenders being the skinnyfat dude with pierced nipples and a ski mask (1:06) and The Incredible Bulk throwing at table so hard that his pants almost fall off (1:23). There’s even a token fat GIRL at :58 (the one in the sexy Batman tank). I know you guys in the midwest like to eat carby, cheesy stuff but come on, this is just straight up unpleasant to look at. Let’s get that BMI under control, ok guys? And no more moshing with your shirt off unless you have abs. It’s just common courtesy.
  • Kid with brutal farmer tan moshing shirtless at 2:25
  • Song goes pretty hard. I don’t normally endorse rappy vocals like the ones at 2:00, but I think they work in this case. Probably because there are a few black people in the video, and the presence of actual people people legitimizes what might otherwise be considered wiggerish behavior (“no man, it’s cool– look, we have a black guy in our crew!”).

Screen Shot 2014-07-17 at 1.54.22 PM

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , | 48 Comments

Fronz from ATTILA launches record label and signs a POP PUNK band

fronz111

Fronz, that’s cool and all, but when will you ever acknowledge my pop punk cover of About That Life??? I even named my hardcore band after u guys, plz acknowledge me Fronz.

True story: Fronz hooked up with the vocalist of my deathcore band’s girlfriend in like 2010. She cheated on him with Fronz lulz. Then the dude from my band went on Facebook and posted a bunch of angry status updates about it. Lmao. Priceless. Ever since then, I have had nothing but respect for the dude (Fronz, that is).

fronzmessage                               one of the many inspirational messages from Fronz

Is Old Again really about that life? Do they have what it takes to stand out amongst the thousands of other tr00 pop punk/soon-to-be soft grunge bands that all practically sound the same? Is Fronz pop punk?

Posted in announcements, pop-punk | Tagged , , , , , , | 25 Comments

ex-Fight Fair/This Time Next Year band releases tr00/hipster music video

It’s crazy to think that some members of Fight Fair are still playing music (wouldn’t they all be like 40 by now? I mean, Settle The Score EP came out 14 years ago) but here is this new vid from Chris of Fight Fair’s band “The Boys After” (also featuring the drummer from This Time Next Year). I think the song is pretty tight, and it’s cool to see the grassy field video is still alive.

what-do-you-think

Posted in new jamz | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments