Scene: You're Doing It Wrong! Emo/scene fails and posers

I would replay 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, and the LA riots over again 100 times than introduce another poser into this world. I know that sounds extreme, but if somebody doesn't keep an eye on things, next thing you know they let just ANYBODY into this place and nobody wants that to happen.

This video is kinda long, but has a lot of good info. Basically it comes down to this: Posers have a Sidekick, listen to metalcore, and have bad hair. Real scene/HXC kids have a Sidekick, listen to metalcore, and have AMAZING HAIR.

Intro to poser spotting: Hardcore posers
When it comes to hardcore, it's pretty easy to spot a poser: they thrash to the mosh parts, and mosh to the thrash parts. This tweenbro has some good vids too for getting up to speed, like here where he makes two main points: You pose if you shop at Zumiez and Enter Shikari is a very talented hardcore band.

In the 2K9, Righteous Jams, Toxic Narcotic and Reach The Sky are more or less interchangeable with SSD, Siege, and Slapshot- just an FYI. As far as getting your head ripped off for "looking like a faggotty scene or poser" at Boston hardcore shows, I guess someone forgot to give Gibby from Panic the memo since he seemed to get along just fine there and he literally wrote the website on how to look like a faggoty scene kid (and banged a hot friend of mine years ago *high five* ).

If you are still confused, check out an informative video called "Today's Hardcore Scene" which will tell you everything you need to know about the hxc scene, especially classic bands like Bury Your Dead, Walls Of Jericho and Thick As Blood. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have been around back in the day and see one of those bands in their prime, like right after Walls of Jericho put out their 6th album.

Even a novice like me can see the obvious problems here... you never have a bright light source behind the subject!

Advanced poser spotting: Scene kids
With years of experience under my belt, I can smell a hardcore poser a mile away. I'm still a relatively entry-level sceneologist, though, so it doesn't come quite as easily to me. I am a firm believer in ethnographic research, or observing subjects in their native environment, so consulted the internets, the native domain of scene kids. I found a vibrant community centered around poser spotting, which they call scene fails. It's complicated, but it seems like there are two basic rules: No fatties and no bad hair.



Rule 1: You can't be fat
No, seriously. I'm not trying to say that scene kids have a set of shared assumptions that add up to warped beauty standard or make some other high-minded point, you literally can't be fat and scene as you will be below. I thought Millionaires established this a long time ago in "Ho Down" but as you can see it is still debated hotly by YouTube commenters/Mensa:

"I'm not big myself, but I feel for them." How do I nominate someone for sainthood? Also, "crissangelfreako."

Apparently fattys cannot be sluts either. Who knew?? I can't keep up with all these new developments in youth culture!!

Looks like WeabooWho is not only unhappy about her race, but her body as well. Let's all thank her parents for their incredible work.

I really like using YouTube comments as a research tool because you find some of the most jaw-droppingly stupid ideas expressed with stunningly poor grammar and spelling. In other words, solid gold.

--

--

Rule 2: You must have good hair
This one is pretty understandable, because if you're a scene kid with bad hair, then you're not really scene, you're just a weird looking kid with inappropriately high self-esteem and the world does not need any more of THOSE. This is a topic I know a thing or two about (my ex was a hair stylist for several years) so I can definitely see where the haters are coming from here.

It's so hard to pick just one, but this might be my favorite of Brookelle Bone's looks. What's up baby, your hair is piecey as fuck!

With so many resources available for kids these days, there is absolutely no reason why can't have good hair if you are willing to put in the time. For fuck's sake, there is a Flickr thread entitled "Cheetah print or racoon stripes? Which should I get?", I don't know how much fucking easier we can make it for kids than that!! What ever happened to commitment, damn it?! My grandpa didn't drop bombs on the Germans in WWII so your lazy ass could sit around the house with your hair in a goddamn ponytail!

What's that, baby? Yes, of course I'll keep it a secret- We're friends, and friends never snitch! Now what was it you wanted to show me??

Rogue's gallery
There is a nearly endless supply of scene fail images, so look for yourself, but here are a few of the highlights- mostly stolen from the resources below, but some from various Myspaces I pulled myself. Before the misery begins, spend a minute or two looking at the lovely lady above- I posted her for a "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down" kind of thing- then brace yourself!

Her face looks like a cheaply made mask that doesn't move enough to look like real human skin

I think that's a fake belly that she is wearing for a health class or something. Please God, let it be fake. Don't let it breed.

Bro... have you considered a less embarrassing phase to spend your teenage years on? Like maybe being a Juggalo or furry?


Joey Belladonna's message to Chief Buzznet: "Cry for the indians!"

This would make an amazing image for "after" in an anti-scene PSA like those terrifying meth ones

I think she is trying to look charmingly awkward so you'll say "Aw I just wanna pick you up and squeeze you like a puppy." Instead, she looks like she is thinking, "Fuck... I'm going to regret this, aren't I?"

Taking slutty pictures in the mirror is the best thing ever when it is a girl doing it. When it's a dude whose face looks like one of his parents was a Persian cat, not so much. And to make matters worse, what the fuck is he wearing?? Those jeans and t-shirt are complete bullshit, was that the Wal-Mart "scene kid" kit he bought on the way to the Hanson/Hellogoodbye show last week?

Phew, that's enough for now! Stay tuned and I will share more scene fails as I collect them.

Further resources
I took images from Photobucket, Scene Fail on Tumblr, and uh... Glow In The Dark Vagina. Please thank them for their excellent work and send in any of your own scene fail images!