Nothing is more annoying than when old people cling to the past. For example, we often think that old bands/records are classics just because we grew up with them, unable to see their obvious, glaring flaws. To make sure we aren't blinded by the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, we created a reoccurring feature on SYWH called Scene Girl Reviews. To help us stay young, 20 year-old scene balloon YeahYouKnowIt reviews old hardcore, punk, and metal records and tells it like it is. In the first installment, she reviews a record that I love very much, the Judge "New York Crew" 7". If you're a little kid and don't know about Judge, peep their Wikipedia entry to get up to speed. Please check out her site, Fuck Yeah Hollywood Undead, and comment on what you'd like her to review next!
"New York Crew"
Being born and raised in the empire state, I thought it fitting that my first taste of Judge’s EP be their song "New York Crew."
Let me start by saying wowww dudes – this song was a fuckin lolfactory for me! Let’s just say things have really changed in the city since you wrote this song. For starters, the only people that wear chains around their waist now are delivery guys. While I’m sure you had a pretty sweet Huffy back in the day, you couldn’t really get away with the chained-waist look anymore. Mb some candy dunks and pants that actually fit would be good additions to the construction gloves you mention, which are an always win – especially since I hear the old ladies really eat up that handy-man look...
While on the subject of archaic lyrics, I can’t ignore the Tompkins Square park reference. Did you have like a hardcore handball team or something? Because that’s about as threatening as this place gets now. I mean, I see dudes in long sleeves and Oakleys playing there all the time – usually when I’m walking through on my way to do Sunday morning yoga on the green.
Once the lyrics started up, I couldn’t stop laughing! Srsly, what was with that fucking "You lost my respect" line? You might as well have been saying “You made me pout in the corner for like, a little while..."
I don’t know what type of shit went down there before I was born, but I hear there’s still some fun to be had. The annual summer "Cracktöberfest" can get pretty crazy, say some of my sources... That’s your scene, right?? I mean like, punk and metal are practically interchangeable now.. I soooo bet you do a little yearly reunion with all your straight edge friends or something and have Sergeant D make you up some sweet matching shirts, right?
"Fed Up"
Are you srsly joking with me? We know you’re sober, kid! And big ups to you – I bet your straight-edge friends are all realll cool. But honestly, you’re not selling the lifestyle very well. The only thing a scene kid would take from this is that by putting down the pipe he might one day be lucky enough to be as old, moody and bitter as you. Yeah, I think he’d be more likely to take the advice of BC13 and say “if you ain't a down motha fucka then go back home. Get crunk up in the club. Poppin bottles of patron.” I mean, c’mon Judge... Y SO SRS?
Also, I don't blame this dude you’re screaming at in the song for making fun of you. If some chubby bald dude wrote me a roid-fueled Dear John letter to end our dealer/party buddy relationship I’d probably call him a pussy too. I can close my eyes and just imagine this guy looking at u and being like "Honestly, dude, I really don't give a shit if you buy from me anymore. Your goatee was starting to give me a weird vibe anyways.” And what could u do about it? His coked out ass could outrun u in a heartbeat, especially with u and yr friends getting all tripped up on yr 3XL JNCOs.
The only people that wear chains around their waist now are delivery guys.
Although I’m too young to have ever been part of a generation that actually paid for music, I can’t imagine anyone would shell out $1.29 on iTunes to hear u get yr panties twisted over some junkie friend. Go try to save someone that actually might accept help from you – like the blind, or better yet, the deaf.
"I’ve Lost"
Casey Calvert must have been looking down on me tonight when it came time to review this song. Miraculously I read the lyrics before pressing play, and for your sake more than mine, I’m glad I did. The lyrics to this song, hands down, are fucking golden, but if I had encountered them first in the actual song, I would have had a keyboard covered in spit and diet Snapple from laughing so hard. I can’t imagine how anyone could ever deliberately determine the placement of these mid-verse pauses. All I can suggest is a Prolixin cocktail until they come out with a cure for Tourette's, buddy.
Imagine what YeahYouKnowIt would say about Old Smoke lololol"In My Way"
Well this song started out promising. The beginning breakdown totally sounded worthy of a sampling by Bring Me The Horizon, but once the lyrics started up, I couldn’t stop laughing! Srsly, what was with that fucking “You lost my respect” line? You might as well have been saying “You made me pout in the corner for like, a little while...” instead. Lol@ how your tough guy street-cred def went down a notch. And the rest of the lyrics only bruised your rep even more – you know that “I guess you can call me obsessed” line towards the end that you tried to cover up with a clever overlap. We all heard it bbz!
I came away from this song thinking about how cute straight edge was -- I can’t believe it was actually trendy! Like, it’s funny as hell knowing this guy stopped doing drugs before I could even say the word quaaludes...
"Warriors"
Now what kind of scene girl would I be if I didn’t end things on a happy note, right? That’s why I’ve saved Warriors for last. This song is the epitome of modern day scream-scene. Just look at these fucking sceney keywords bby;;;;;;;
sun
wasteland
blood on the streets
diamond
pride
fire
shine
wounds
ride
love
bouquet of barbed wire
the
It just goes on and on. I luv it! The only thing missing is the confidence factor. Reminding someone to “never forget” you is pretty weak. Clearly if you were hardcore warriors u wouldn’t have to, uhh, remind people to remember you...
The verdict
While the band isn’t completely shiteous, I still can’t find many redeeming characteristics that would make scene kids swoon. That’s why I’m going to give "New York Crew"
2. 5 out of 5 flatirons.
Those two and a half scene points can be attributed to a) the fact that Judge has a Myspace (fingers crossed for a Stickam in 2010!!) b) despite the moody 14-year-old girl lyrics you can tell they have passion, and c) fuckin Warriors, man. I swear, I don’t even know how they came up with that track after writing those other songs...
65 comments:
I really like this new feature... makes me wanna yell "ooh, ooh, do my band next, do my band next!"
"shiteous" hahaha
BRINGING IT DOWN!
also, wasnt this week the 20th anniversary of 'victim in pain'?
The problem with this is the bogus setup of "new" generation of "scene" reviewing old "scene" music as if the two terms were compatible. "Scene" as it's used today is a broad, all encompassing term for all alternative music & fashion geared toward the under 21 set. JUDGE was the definition of niche music; a scene within a scene, neither of which had near the national brand "scene" has today. The modern technocore loving Myspace "scene" kid with skinny jeans & Hanoi Rocks hair is about as incompatible with the knuckle dragging mooks that make up the past & present JUDGE fanbase as they themselves were with Ravers or something.
A better way to guage the merits of JUDGE would be to have a follower of modern Tough Guy Mosh/BroxCore bands(preferably a dude as these bands never had much of a cross gender fanbase) review the music and see what he thinks. Or better yet, anyone of any background that still takes the concept of straight edge seriously as, let's be honest was 90% of the appeal of this stuff.
The writing is humorous but superflous. You hardly need mine for the jokes when they're so easy you can pick them up off the ground. This kind of music & especially the lyrics ALWAYS came off as ridiculous, hilarious & terrible to anyone, even other 'alt/punk/scene/whatever people who weren't into the straightedge hardcore scene. You might as well have Pitchfork review the Judge catalog.
I will say this; as really bad or at least not good as I think the music of JUDGE and most of their contemporaries is; it's to their credit that even 20+ years later people still care about it or at least remember it fondly (for some reason). I don't think anyone is going to care about Hollywood Undead, even on an ironic level in 5 years.
"sun
wasteland
blood on the streets
diamond
pride
fire
shine
wounds
ride
love
bouquet of barbed wire
the"
THE. LOL.
No Idea who this band is, but I want to listen now just for a good laugh. My night could use some laughter. And you, my love, generally add that!
oh and btw ms yeahyouknowit: you're effin hottt.
I had a hard time believing that girl wrote that review. It seems too well written.
so THATS what BC13 were saying in 'Get Crunk'.
this post was pretty funn, do this stuff more!! I say you should hit her with 'Damaged' by Black Flag next... or some 7 Seconds, I can imagine the lolz.
...Or UNBROKEN! they kind of started the Metalcore ball rolling, after all... Dammit, I don't know enough obscure hXc bands...
1. LOL @ thinking she didn't write this! Why do you think I asked her to contribute? She is reallllly smart and a very talented writer. You'll see more soon I hope!
2. I'm thinking The Exploited are up next, but Black Flag is a great suggestion! And 7 Seconds, ooooo yes haha.
3. "The modern technocore loving Myspace "scene" kid with skinny jeans & Hanoi Rocks hair is about as incompatible with the knuckle dragging mooks that make up the past & present JUDGE fanbase as they themselves were with Ravers or something."
Thank you for explaining the joke
Oh, and I fucking LOVE the Judge 7". "Fed Up" still gives me chills.
Crass next!
"His coked out ass could outrun u in a heartbeat, especially with u and yr friends getting all tripped up on yr 3XL JNCOs."
If she's going to make era-specific jokes, please tell her she has to at least get the era correct. It's up to you to educate her about the differences between the 80's an the 90's ... they were like, different decades with different styles, and stuff.
Making fun of chains and construction gloves = funny, because the afore-mentioned band wore them.
Making fun of 3XL JNCO's = not funny, because the baggy pants style didn't exist until long after Judge was over and done.
See, now she went and wasted a joke that could have been used for when you have her review the Earth Crisis Firestorm EP.
@dustinrr7
"A Judge Fan Reviews A Judge Record" might be a feature more up your street.
I'd like to see a review of Fury Of Five's opus "This Time It's Personal" next, please, just because Ismean's horrible screams in songs liek "Forever Down" haunt me in my sleep and I like to make as many other people have to suffer it as possible to make myself feel less alone in my pain.
I WIRE JAWS, BRING IT TO YA RAW.
--LEV
Uhh "Warriors" is a Blitz cover dudes. KNOW YR OI!
@Joe Spinebuster
ehh sorry to come off as humorless but for whatever it's worth a lot of this stuff really is bad and for someone who identifies as or listens to "Hardcore" but born after 1980 to give the "classics" a serious listen would be interesting to me.
In lieu of a Jincos reference, how about next reviewing something within the last 10-15 years. The Exploited? Black Flag? 7 Seconds? I don't think Sergeant D is old enough to have seen any of these bands the first time around.
Did you really just say she's a talented writer? Are you kidding me? I've seen 4th graders with more talent than this.
You are a dumb bitch.
@ dustinrr: I don't think 'stuff we caught first time round' is really the aim here, is it? I mean, I'm 22, and most of the hardcore I listen to was recorded before I was conceived. I didn't get the chance to see these bands play, but that doesn't stop me from loving their albums. And I'm kind of curious to see what a 'kute' scene girl would think of it on the offchance (admittedly slim) that I met one and got talking to her about how awesome and underground I am.
Taking a scene girls advice and opinons seriously is major lolz.
Dustinrr77 nailed it exactly with his first post. As an old fart who was there the first time around, I can tell you that everyone who was not macho AND straight edge thought Judge were silly. (I was 19 when that record came out and getting away from where HC was going - I was much more of a Fugazi/DC scene follower, in case anyone cares where I was coming from, although I had been completely hardcore prior to that.)
Still, this was a funny review and despite what some of you detractors say, I think it's interesting to see what a 20 year old scene girl has to say, even if it was a foregone conclusion that she wouldn't like it. I will let her know, however, that yeah, NYC's lower east side was pretty scary in the 80s, before Giuliani was mayor. I can't imagine that neighborhood producing bands like SWANS these days.
This ruined my day.
This reminds me of the time I got pissed off reading AP magazine about how Brokencyde has similar sound to Converge... This little scene twat should review One Life Crew.
Pure Gold.
coming next:7 seconds. please. oh and and some metal. black metal, yes sir.
@madnessofwar too bad you're from Memphis -- I'd love to hear you call me a scene twat with a sexy British accent.
yeahyouknowit. You stoopid, gurl.
@dustinrr7
While you were catching Judge "first time around", dancing hard with X's on your fists, I'm sure you were simultaneously sneering at some of the drug-riddled garbage that previous generations had enjoyed before you. Now, the current generation is looking back at YOUR music and sneering at YOU. Your time is up, deal with it. No-one's telling you it wasn't totally awesome for you at the time, and no-one's saying you can't still listen to Judge now if you want to, but the fact is that the 'naughties scene kid isn't interested. You can get through this horrible time by holding on to your precious memories of days gone by, and take comfort in the fact that the NEXT generation will eventually turn around and totally rag on the synth-pop MySpace bands of today in 15 years or so.
This is a pretty deep convo for a response to what is apparently just a parody article on some level... But, 'know, internet.
--LEV
Now, the current generation is looking back at YOUR music and sneering at YOU. Your time is up, deal with it.
I'm honestly surprised/disappointed that so many people don't realize the point of this feature is exactly what you said above. We are old and out to pasture; YYKI's post is just a funny way of reminding us of that.
I fucking love Judge and I always will, that doesn't mean I can't also laugh at myself and my peers for taking them so seriously ya know?
And sorry I'm only 31, I guess I'm still too young for my opinion to count. Let me know when I can expect my gold X Swatch (I just racked up 20 years of hardcore shows this month).
I like judge too, but it's a simple fact that new bands (ie bring me the horizon) got better equipment and sound heavier than 80's bands.
Much respect to hardcore bands that paved the way, but I was always seeking out more and more extreme music growing up and you gotta just adapt to the times.
Lighten up! Everyone who listens to dudes yelling into a mic is an outcast, we're all in this together- thats what hardcore is all about, right?
Shawn - Bring Me the Horizon to Judge? Apples and oranges. Why would you compare them when Ripping Corpse and Morbid Angel are all death metal bands that existed around the same time as Judge and would serve as a better comparison? And they happen to fucking slay any of the poser shit that's coming out now because it's actually - ya know - extreme. If you can't get down with the stuff that paved the way then you're a fool, plain and simple
PS hardcore isn't about being accepting of everyone and everything that lays claim to it, that's some Juggalo shit.
This is great.
evantegrity- I'm versatile, fun-loving, and open minded. Maybe sometime we can bro out and listen to the earache back catalog in my beamer and you can tell me about the good old days.
I'll probably still want to bump the new blessthefall though because it sounds so much better than that "produced by scott burns" stuff...
@shawnyouwillhate that whole comment was golden.
This bitch needs to get gangraped in her fucking mouth until she is unable to use her voicebox no longer, and then afterwards someone needs to smash her hands with a sledgehammer so she can never write/type or talk again.
@ Joe Spinebuster
Whoah dude, you just took it to a whole nother level of seriousness there & I feel gay & whimsical by comparison. I'm embarassed by the earnestness. If it's any use, I wasn't old enough to catch JUDGE the first or any other time around (I'm younger than Sarge), I'm a partisan of drug-riddled garbage or drug-riddled anything in the grand scheme of things, I like synth pop & I don't particularly care for JUDGE.
I feel like I helped set a negative course for this with my first comment so I'm gonna shut up now.
@dustinrr7
"I'm a partisan of drug-riddled garbage or drug-riddled anything in the grand scheme of things, I like synth pop"
Very nice.. I can definitely be down with this (no sarcasm, on my part).
I agree with the 3rd poster that a dude into deathcore and other heavy mosh bands with little to no connection to the actual HC scene should review some old hc records. However, I'm pretty down with this as well. Judge is awesome. This girl is pretty funny and taking yourself too seriously is moronic. So live ya life.
@shawnyouwillhate
I don't know, I think heaviness is a little more than how nice your equipment is, how low you tune your guitars or other external factors. My problem with a lot of metalcore is that it just sounds forced, for lack of a better term. When everything is too slickly produced it just loses my interest. Childish lyrics aside, Judge always hits at me harder than a band like Bring Me The Horizon.
But whatever, I am comfortable with the fact that there will come a time when every single copy of every record I think is good will be rotting forgotten in a landfill, while Hollywood Undead is inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Hopefully I will be long gone.
@dustinr77
Over a decade of conversations with metak and hardcore elitists made me read your "I don't think Sergeant D is old enough to have seen any of these bands the first time around" statement as some kind of down-the-nose comment about how you WERE there "first time around", and it totally knocked-off the context I read everything else you said in.
I now realise you were possibly trying to bring non-sarcastic, non-argumentative conversation to the internet table, and I was just unprepared for your radical ideas is all. Soz. :o( I still don't think a hardcore fan reviewing a hardcore CD is that interesting an idea, though!
--LEV
evantegrity- I'm versatile, fun-loving, and open minded. Maybe sometime we can bro out and listen to the earache back catalog in my beamer and you can tell me about the good old days.
After you guys are done with that, let's hop in my Acura and jam the Green Rage, Conviction, Vegan Reich, and Darkside NYC discogs. I hear that shit slaps with a system.
@Sergeant D I was waiting for the car comments to start flowing once Shawn dropped the beemer in there. Viva La Heated Seats!
JUDGE > Hollywood Undead
Hollywood Undead > JUDGE
see what I did there?
Sarge,
I hope I am no too late to comment on this post.
This is really funny/genius to me. I will say that perhaps by coming up with this wonderfully genius idea of having scene kids review old hardcore classics, you have now penned yourself as some sort of LOU PEARLMAN.
This is VERY hilarious to me on 3 levels: #1 its amusing for me to hear how clueless scene kids actually are about the roots of punk/hardcore. #2 its amusing for me to hear some pretty funny realizations about how dumb some of these "classic" records actually are. #3 No one knew that was a Blitz cover.
I gotta be honest though, if you give her Damaged to review and she trashes it, someone should fire-bomb her poseur ass.
Haha, it's never too late to comment, even in Internet-time!
I agree 10000% with all three of your points, and I don't know if anyone has ever called me something as flattering as the hardcore/scene Lou Pearlman- thank you!!
Dead Kennedys, Youth of Today, and DRI "Thrash Zone" have potential as well...
@ savage: I dunno man, I'm kind of looking forward to the inevitable trashing of Damaged. I can't wait to see what she makes of the jazz-influenced solos and that, er, interesting production quality...
Nothing should be off limits for this. Like Sgt D said in the intro, we can't be too precious about sacred cows. Isn't being punk or hardcore or a metalhead supposedly all about being an iconoclast and slayin' the father? If we can't take criticism, aren't we just a bunch of babies?
@ yeahyouknowit (comment ages ago): Hey, I'm British! I didn't realise that was a plus with American scene balloons. (Is that a bad term? It sounds like it could be insulting.) Does having a British accent = more scene cred? Maybe I should move.
@ Sgt D: Dead Kennedys would be mental. 'In God We Trust Inc' might be good but 'Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables' is a total headfucker, I vote for that one.
Id like to see Porcells review of Hollywood Undead.
Also, I think this 7" deserves at least THREE flat irons!
@IndieFaceKillah Here's the official definition of scene balloon coined by Sergeant D himself -- http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/2009/09/melissa-millionaire-scene-balloon.html
When he first called me a scene balloon, I was definitely not a fan, but he was able to convince me otherwise. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. I guess it all depends on if there are any other guys out there who are into scene balloons. It remains to be seen in Gotham City.
And about the British accent, it unfortunately doesn't give you much scene cred -- it's more of a personal thing for me ;) Your kit would be a bit more telling... Have any fitted tees in neon colorways? Or maybe some skinnies that you tuck into a fresh pair of Nikes?
By the way, thanks for being the first person in 40 or so comments to acknowledge my presence. Major scene points for you!
Yeah I'm with Sergeant D on calling it a positive. Anorexia isn't generally a big turn on but it does seem to have been embraced by scene girls, so one with actual curves would be a plus.
Sadly I have to sacrifice the scene points by admitting I don't own any fitted tees, skinny jeans, or Nikes. I do have some oversized sunglasses but sadly the frames aren't neon.
There needs to be some kind of makeover show for dull, plaid shirts & homeless jeans-wearing people like me... like a 'Scene Eye for the Indie Guy' sort of thing. You and Sgt D should get on that!
Sgt D: your YYKI alter ego is unconvincing on a number of levels, & rinsed out faster than HRO's non-Carlos alter-ego bro posts. SYWH indeed. Props for the try, but it was a try-hard fail.
@IndieFaceKillah that's an A++++ idea. Love it!
And scene gear on guys isn't actually my thing -- fun to look at yeah, but sort of played out.. I'm into a selectively edited personal brand...... But that's just me! I like fucked up versions of the classics.
Props on the oversized shades.. I might steal them from you though ;)
P.S.
"my indie as fuck love for bands such as blink-182 and Linkin Park, and my unquenchable thirst for violence. All praises to Satan."
That's rad, dude! Plus, anything "as fuck" is a win in my book.
@IFK: We are actually working on a "Scene Gear 2K10 Lookbook" that should be helpful! We took some pics the other weekend and will include a "Scene 4 Olds" section just for you.
I believe the kids call them "Sunnies".
@savage: damaged kinda blows. all the songs are good, but would have been/were already better with keith, ron, and dez singing them.
Patrick, I agree 100% that ALL previous singers are better than Rollins, but Damaged is still awes.
does she have a mustache
i will kill this girl and her whole family... and while i do it i will wear a chain around my waist, and construction gloves
I believe the kids call them "Sunnies".
LOL this makes even *me* cringe with disgust
I would love nothing more than for this young lady to review some Agnostic Front or early Madball.
you tagged this "JNCO" which is fucked up because judge broke up long before JNCO even existed. know history before you start talking about it please.
Yeah JNCOs get my panties twisted too??
Just so you know my little Karl Lagerfeld, it was more of a reference to what I'd assume their current fashion choices are..
post this scene pigs tits
I thought the funnies part of this article was realizing through the comments that some of the people who read this blog don't know who Judge are.
Also I'm the same age as this girl, am not a fan of Judge or NYHC or Youth Crew and didn't really find the review funny at all. Could see how it could be rage inducing to some old-fags though.
Go fuck yourself!
One of the best bands ever, just because they don't incorporate keyboards or novel haircuts doesn't make them any less relevant. Give me judge over any of your shallow, pointless scene bands any day!
Oh and learn to express yourself without abbreviations before you comment on a band greater than anything you could ever offer the world!
Epic lolz u cuntz
eat cum you stupid cunt. you have no idea what the fuck your talking about.
i second this ^^
die
yeahyouknowit said...
Yeah JNCOs get my panties twisted too??
Just so you know my little Karl Lagerfeld, it was more of a reference to what I'd assume their current fashion choices are...
That was a bad attempt at a save for your shitty JNCO reference
all of you people are full of shit, as far as im concerned. i was into this stuff when i was 14 back in 1982, before hardcore and glam and metal and techno were CONFUSED with each other by trendy faggots. i was a skinhead and i was straight edge and a glam rocker and bought metallica and beastie boys vinyl and i was always one step ahead of the pack, and i was part of a real scene not a made up internet thing. and stupid wannabe little pukes like you people would have been wearing roller skates and still listening to olivia newton john, for christ sakes
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