Can we PLEASE talk about Simple Plan?

Maybe I’m looking in all the wrong places, but I’m not seeing nearly enough hype for punkrawk+polo shirt bros Simple Plan being on this summer’s Warped Tour.

Srsly, someone needs to burn me a copy of those shirts.

I don’t play Warped Tour very often (in fact I’m pretty sure I never have) but if I did, I’d put all the sprawling buffets, scoping underage sloots, lavish personal massages, and just general badassery that comes along with being a barely-known band on one of the shitty side stages (you know the ones that look like a dude put them together out of a bunch of fold-out tables and road cases) aside for a few minutes (more like hours) and go watch Simple Plan EVERY GATDAMN DAY.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLtt067B_58

When a dude commits grand theft auto in the first fucking verse, you know this song is gonna Dwayne Johnson your ass.

In the early 2000’s when The Plan was blowing up in kids’ faces, you knew them as the band that showed you how to deal with your first real gf breaking up with you in of course the only logical way possible, get your br0s and go skate (after you finished chores and homework, natch).  All of this occurred during summer of course because, lets be real here, all pop punk is about summer time. Can you imagine a pop punk record about the winter? I can’t imagine how droll that shit would be. OK maybe a jolly Christmas EP (not a Lloyd Christmas EP, as awesomely ghey as that would be). Also maybe the last Sum41 record could be a winter pop punk record because a good 80% of it was slow jamz and Green Day b-sides.  Also that nerd singer married Avril Lavigne and then broke it off (what a tool) and guess what did NOT happen? I never got a phone call. Not one phone call from Avril, not one date with Avril. But that’s neither here nor there. This is Stuff You Will Hate, not Stuff I Would Date (although that could be a recurring thing with my posts here).

Girls like this are the reason they pass out free rubbers at Warped.  Would do.

My uncanny ability to rhyme the name of this blog with other shit aside, Simple Plan is a band so badass and so tight that guess what losers…they’ve NEVER had a lineup change in their existence!!  Despite being Canadian!!! As we all know, Canadian bands are known for lineup changes right?…case in point: Comeback Kid (that’s really the only example I could think of off the top of my head…disagree? you can go right to hell).  Yep, since forming in ‘99 the band has consisted of Pierre Whatshisface, Sebastien Somethingorother, David Whathaveyou, Chuck Comeonseriously, and the only member with a name I can pronounce…Jeff Stinco (heh); whose name must have made his elementary school years a living hell. But joke’s on you ya little dweebs!!! Ol’ Stinko is now “packing arenas AND clubs” according to the band’s bio on the Warped Tour website (the be-all-end-all of band info). I can see it now, Stinko chillin’ out back of the arena show smokin a Jay while bros that “totally knew that guy back in 1st grade man” line up to ask him for backstage passes to impress their gf’s.  That, and the fact that his nickname is “JF” which was our rival school when I was in high school (srsly fuck JF. although…mad sloots went there, many of which were boned by…you guessed it, me.) make this guy an all around br0 with a capital zero that I need to chill with STAT.

The band most likely has been able to stick tight Keepers Of The Faith-style because none of the members have side bands.  Yea, let that one marinate for a sec.  The only things they do outside of The Plan is shit like radio shows, reality TV, clothing companies, oh and giving away their heaping piles of cash to people that need it and starting charities to persuade others to do the same.  Total. Punk rawk. Angels.

Fuck cancer.

In regards to Simple Plan constantly being asked where their band name came from, Wikipedia gives us this: “Band members have given various comical responses on this point, including that the band was their simple plan to avoid obtaining a job at McDonald’s, or similar fast food entities.” Right?! Pwned. All you metal nerds take a note from The Plan: playing obscure, unlistenable metal will NOT make you totally blow up huge and be living the sweet life, so get with it bret.  My brosama bin laden Sergeant D has been over this. You gotta play what the teenage girls like.

And tell them you’re a dick ted to them.  While jumping.

All jokes aside, Simple Plan are Warped Tour veterans.  That’s right fools, back from ‘99-’05 they ran that shit.  Ran it like the muthafuckin mob.  They’ve supposedly got a new jank coming out this year (stoked), and seeing The Plan on the Warped 2011 lineup made me just happy enough to forget about Warped failing to land that EVE6 reunion I’ve so desperately wanted for years, but I have neither the time nor patience to share all my thoughts on THAT issue. So I’m just gonna swallow my pride, choke on the rinds, let the lack thereof leave me empty inside, and just stick with Simple Plan for now. Simple enough, because as Walter told The Dude, “The beauty is its simplicity. When a plan gets too complicated, everything can go wrong.” Well said, you fuck. And if you’ve seen that movie then you know that Walter was right all along.