Limp Bizkit Refuse To Release Album Nobody Cares About

Limp Bizkit are a band that, for me, are similar to Britney Spears and S Club 7. When i was 12 they were the shit.

I had my baggy jeans, my SOAD hoodie, a massive chain connecting my wallet to my belt and an awesome NY cap I would wear backwards that was two sizes too small. I wanted dreads really bad. Still Do.

Oh, and music-wise, the only CDs you buy should have a “Parental Advisory” sticker on it. e.g. Static-X, Il Nino, Soil, Dr.Dre and Kid Rock etc.

Around this time i was bumming Significant Other cos they said fuck all the time and a guy on the school ski trip said i would be cool if i listened to Slipknot and stuff. Also, *SO* had spaceships on the back cover, which combined my love of Warhammer 40,000 with my new-found love of seven string guitars and bands with masks.

I had no idea that Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavoured Water meant bum-sex and jizz. Fred Durst and Wes Borland sure are clever and totally not hiding repressed sexual feeling for each other. Plus, around this time Durst was turning up I Eminiem videos and doing porn films with a Xtina Aguilera looky-likey.

The Outro to Chocolate starfish was totally rad cos Ben Stiller is talking on it and he is in really cool films about disabled people with jizz in their hair.

Fast forward a couple of years, my 6th wave of ska punk phase, the time when i refused to listen to anything other than AC/DC and i’m looking at the Download Festival line-up.

FUCKING LIMP BIZKIT ON THE MAIN STAGE MID-DAY.

And they played the Tom Cruise song about the world hating Fred Durst and it had a massive bass drop before dance music stole the bass drop.

Plus, Wes Borland is back in the band and, as the only one with any talent, this means the new album with have good jumpy-jumpy riffs, weird pitch-bending and artwork of aliens. Borland still insist on doing his Black Light Burns side-project, even though they are a poor-mans NIN and nobody cares about them.

The wikipedia page for GOLD COBRA says the album was recorded in 2009. So what’s the hold up durst? When am i going to get my rap-rock fix with added Ben Stiller.

When am i going to get to listen to your post-modern lyrics referencing an almost Nichean desire to love oneself, whilst filling the void left by your Southern baptist parents love for Jesus over you.

GoldCobra

The cover of Gold Cobra has a naked-ish lady on the front with a big snake, which is like a penis metaphor, but done really obviously so that silly americans can actually understand the reference. There’s also a boombox and a sword which means “music is like violence”, again, thinly veiled.

I’m super excited for the single DOUCHEBAG thats going to be released on March 7th. I bet the chorus goes:

“DOUCHEBAG mother fucker, you’re a douchebag!” and the video has the band doing their jumping thing, with choreographed dancers dressed like FD and Wes Broland and Ben Stiller body-popping.

You need to make rap-metal cool again, cos there’s this local band in Guildford, Nylon Sky, who have started doing Limp Bizkit covers at the boiler-room on a Wednesday night and everyone there is too young to know that rapping over metal isn’t new or clever.

No release date?! You’re the douchebag.

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10 Responses to Limp Bizkit Refuse To Release Album Nobody Cares About

  1. Big Nate says:

    LOVED that you included the pic of waking the cadaver, as i’ve been saying for years that frontman/chief squealer/MC Don Campan is our underground generation’s Fred Durst, without the good looks or the dancing abilities. But the resemblance is uncanny. Maybe LP could kick off their next tour with WTC as the opening act?

  2. Big Nate says:

    whoops, meant “LB”**

  3. Big Nate says:

    But on that note, Linkin Park might fit into the roster too despite their choice to become a 311 cover band

  4. Brassington says:

    I agree with Sarge. I stopped listening to Linkin Park after that second album. The one with the graffiti artist or whatever on the cover.

    Every time I heard “Bleed it Out” on the radio, it made me want to shoot someone.

  5. asdfadsfadsf says:

    but when will we get a review for BEYOND COPS BEYOND GOD. it definitely redefines the slamming gore groove genre as a whole and sets new boundaries for the wiggering pit riffment of 2011. who knows what these joi-sey boys will deliver unto us next time?!!

  6. Pingback: Awesome Thunderbolt » Blog Archive » A Picture Of Myself In Front Of Myself

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