I come from a proud tradition of distinguished service to your country, with my father and grandfather both being combat veterans. It’s cool that they traveled to the other side of the planet to fight against the enemies of America, but not half as cool as all the people who write songs about doing it.
In this post, I will honor all the brave men who stood up for what they believed, who had the courage to pick up a guitar, enter the recording studio, and talk about how America is awesome and war is cool. I ask perhaps the most important question of our generation: what is the best patriotic song???
Kid Rock “Warrior”
This commercial for the National Guard features an appearance by Dale Ernhardt Jr and lyrics that would make Trey Parker cringe. My favorite part is at 1:35 where they’re in Iraq and some little kid runs in front of their APC. The black guy is like “Should we will kill this before or after we rape his mom?” but then the white guy is like “No man, we’re here to win hearts and minds, let’s give him his soccer ball back.”
Team America “Freedom Isn’t Free”
I know this is a joke, but the lyrics are so similar to the Kid Rock song that it might as well be serious.
Three Doors Down “Citizen Soldier”
Another National Guard commercial featuring a hard rock band from the 90s. This one is all about how rescuing someone’s cat after a storm is pretty much the same thing as fighting against the British in the Revolutionary War.
Clint Black “Iraq And I Roll”
Fan-made video for this legendary troll’s most famous song. My favorite part is at :13, where the lyrics are about how anti-war protesters are fags and the guy who made the video uses an image of someone picketing in favor of a minimum wage for migrant farm workers.
Toby Keith “Courtesy of the Red White & Blue (The Angry American)”
In this video, Toby Keith goes over to Iraq to show the soldiers how much he appreciates them. “Showing his appreciation” apparently means riding around in a tank and playing Army in front of the cameras, instead of helping them fix a fence, doing dishes, or any of the other stuff that doesn’t look as cool as holding an M4 that you don’t know how to use.
Team America “America Fuck Yeah”
Best part about this one is how many times it’s used non-ironically in patriotic YouTube image montages. Also, “Sportsmanship! Books!”
Jesse James Dupree “Open Invitation”
This is what patriotism is all about: people like the singer for Jackyl who aren’t afraid speak up in defense of their country, such as this courageous stand against Osama Bin Laden.