One of the many things I hate about women is their incessant complaining. Whether it’s the heat, that the sandwich they just got doesn’t have enough mustard on it, how the girl who sits next to them at work chews her gum too loudly, or God knows what else, women are always fucking complaining about something. I can accept whining from women because it’s just in their nature, and plus they let us have sex with them, but there’s nothing worse than a man who complains like a girl.
For example, The Wonder Years. I’m not trying to hate, because they seem like nice guys, but I have to call it like I see it: their lyrics are beta as fuck. I can handle a little angst (ala Blink-182) but fuck, reading these lyrics makes me feel like I’m listening to Jesse Eisenberg tell his gym teacher he needs to be excused from class today because his gluten allergies are flaring up.
A few selections:
Don’t Let Me Cave In
I circled the airport a hundred times
and tried to hide the fact that I was crying
I came in on the red eye
That’s why I look like this
There comes a day when you rectify
who you are with who you want to be with
And I can’t make the two things co-exist
So don’t let me cave in
This part is about crying because “you don’t know who you are.” Selection from the diary of an unpopular 8th grade girl, or lyrics to a punk song?? Hard to say.
I ended up here late at night on Thanksgiving
The fall that Colleen left
This was a place to call home
When it felt like the world didn’t want us
I watched Mike slash Mon’s tires
We laughed about it later
I watched friendships dissolve
In the booth on the back wall
I cut my hand on a piece of glass
And I hope the scar lasts
Dear God… “I hope the scar lasts??” Sounds like the name of a Tumblr for fat girls who cut themselves. I can totally see these lyrics poorly photoshopped over a picture of a girl’s arm that’s crisscrossed with scars from self-inflicted wounds.
My Last Semester
I’m not sad anymore, I’m just tired of this place.
The homophobic bullshit that’s somehow okay
Just because you didn’t mean it that way.
I can’t take anymore of all the scum in this place.
Shitty dudes with tribal tattoos all around,
Lining up cheap beer and roofies for a party at their place.
Trying to convince freshmen they’re somebody
By spending all of their parents’ money on kegstands
And Matt says I don’t fit in.
All this mallrat goth shit is killing me.
Thought that would end with high school at least.
But there are still kids and Matt says
“College hit those dudes like a ton of bricks.”
Where do I even start?? First of all, the basic premise of this song is “wah wah I don’t like anybody I go to college with,” aka “my pussy hurts.” Not sure what’s more embarrassing: white knighting about “homophobic bullshit” or getting butthurt about “mallrat goth shit.” And what kind of a college dude isn’t into kegstands, parties, and banging as many sluts as possible?!