If there’s anything that we can all agree on, it’s how annoying (yet also lulzy) girls are. But not all girls, just the stupid ones who are totally into themselves and live for the purpose of getting male attention. In this post, I will discuss some of the most common and irritating kinds of girls who live for male attention and make me want to suicide myself every time they speak. Your thoughts are welcome!!
BTW, please don’t take this as an attack on all women- rather, take it as an endorsement of the ones who AREN’T like this. So if you know a girl who is smart, normal and cool, please take a minute to thank her for being awesome after you read this!
Fig 1: HOT SLUT WHO ONLY DATES ASSHOLES
True fact: most hot chicks are into dudes who treat them like shit. This is because they are used to guys kissing their ass, and that is boring because girls like a challenge (but only when it comes to guys, never anything involving exercise or mental exertion). With that in mind, your best move is to talk a lot of shit to them, never EVER pay them a complement, and try to bang one of their friends. If all goes well, they will be jealous of another girl getting attention and let you fuck them.
“I hate u mom now buy me some pop tarts”
Fig 2: SELF-CENTERED, UGLY BRAT WITH EXCESSIVELY HIGH SELF-ESTEEM
Obviously we all know how much hot girls who are totally into themselves suck, but what’s even worse is an ugly, dumb girl who is totally into herself because she thinks she’s hot but is in fact a grose little troll who’s been pumped full of self-esteem by her doting, retarded parents. Usually seen updating Facebook/Twitter with shit like “I LOVE IT WHEN PPL TELL ME HOW AMAZING I AM BUT I ALREADY KNEW IT :P”, so when you see the updates you’re like “Oh word, this must be some hot slut” but then you click on her pic and you’re like “WTF bish you are like a 6.5 who do you think you are?!”
Fig 3: ENTRY-LEVEL ALT PORN “STAR”
Am I the only dude on earth who thinks “alt porn” is grose?? Call me crazy but I don’t know why anyone would choose to fap to some bitch with shitty tattoos and a dumb haircut who looks like the rude bartender at your local shithole when they could be jizzing over Lexi Diamond (who is perhaps the only girl on earth hotter than Jess Bowen) or Sarah Jean Underwood.
Fig 4: DISGUSTING OLD HAG WHO THINKS SHE’S HOT
Is there anything worse than when you are at a bar/party/show and some rancid bitch like this comes up to you, drunk off her ass, makes some “sexy” face and says with a slur “You… are so…. hot!” and stumbles toward you, sloshing her drink all over herself? GTFO grandma, unless you have a smashable niece or something that’s driving you around who’s bored and DTF.
Fig 5: UNDERCOVER MAINSTREAMER
On the one hand, I appreciate this girl for having the good sense to dress really slutty (short shorts and one of those trashy stickers you put on while you tan?? WANT!). But on the other hand, I am 100% sure she is the definition of high-maintenance and after fucking a few guys in B+ level Warped Tour bands, will marry an investment banker, and cheat on him with her boss. Hot? Oh fuck yes. But not worth the trouble.
Intermission: DUMB BISHE SOLVES GLOBAL WARMING
Fig 6: OLD LADY SLUT WITH MISLEADING TWITPIC
When you saw this pic, I bet you thought the same thing as me: “Hm, looks annoying but would definitely smash. Might consider following her in case she gets drunk and posts n00dz.” But not so fast!! Not only is she 30, sxe, and vegan (which means her tweets will all be about cupcakes, cats, and knitting), she is actually busted as fuck in every other picture. UNFOLLOW.
Fig 7: UGLY NERD WHO PRETENDS TO LIKE COOL SHIT
Oh the old “wear a shirt of some ghey, shitty band that betas like so they’ll shower me with attention because I ‘like the coolest shit’” trick. I’ll admit, it worked on me when I was 18 and a bish told she liked some stupid hardcore band that I loved at the time. But then I told my roommate about it, who was herself an advanced-level flirt and she was like “Ummmm you know she doesn’t REALLY like that, right? She only said it so you would like her,” as though I was the most gullible person on earth (and I probably was).
INTERMISSION: Necro “86 Measures of Game” = all you need to know about banging hot sluts (warning: does NOT work for wifing- in fact, if you are looking for wife material, do the exact opposite of everything in this song)
Fig 8: “ONE OF THE GUYS”
Honestly, this might be the very worst kind of girl: the ones who think it’s cool to do stuff like burp, fart, mosh, and other things that groce teenage boys do. You aren’t “making people respect you,” you’re making everybody really uncomfortable by trying way too hard. You’re also so digusting and mannish that you are making my penis retract inside my body.
PS- I actually know the girl in this picture (and in case she reads this, <3 U Lizzy, sorry but you are the best example ever of this). Do you like her kyut wristbrace??
Fig 9: ARTSY TOMBOY WITH A BIG BUSH
Think of this girl as “just one of the guys lite.” Confession: I kind of have a thing for tomboys, and I might smash this one even though I hate Have Heart and there is at least a 50% probability that she is a SIF with a huge bush. The part that sucks about these girls is that they are usually really cool people, but since they’re afraid to dress/act slutty it’s hard to be attracted to them. If only they would wear jeggings and act more DTF!!! Which brings me to the next type…
Fig 10: NAIVE, UPTIGHT PRUDE
That awkward moment when you realize all dudes watch porn and you need to get over that shit. Protip: if your dude is more into porn than you, maybe you should start acting more like them (at least in the sack– please don’t act like them IRL).
Fig 11: THE NOTTIE (WHICH ONE OF THESE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS)
That girl who is substantially less attractive than her friends, but can’t admit it to herself… you know, the one who will pull her friend away in the middle of a boozy “so how about we get out of here and go back to my place” conversation with you, and she’s like “my friend does NOT want to go home with you!!!!!” Meanwhile, the friend is mouthing “sorry, I have to go!!” as her fat, grose friend drags her out the door of the club and you start creeping on your plans B, C and D.
What do you hate most about women? Which of these girls would you smash in spite of how annoying and dumb they are? Have you told every girl you know who DOESN’T act like this how awesome she is?
That one bish who you hang out with for years who you’ve always wanted to smash, but insists that we’re ‘just friends’.
“i love it when you kiss my ass and do favors for me as if you were my boyfriend, but i don’t think of you that way!!”
Had this kinda bish for a while.
Except when she broke up with her BF and needed no strings sex, she came crawling.
FYI it was the best sex ever
I fixed the markup, you can enscloe code between [ + py + ] …code here… [ + /py + ]tags, at least on this blog. However, most other WordPress blogs support the [/code] tag, just FYI. I will try the sock.sendall approach + py events somewhere after xmas.Thanks for your suggestion!
Don’t cry emo kid. Maybe express an interest first next time.
Kenzi.
Erm, Kenzi what?>.>
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder
loling so hard at everything in this article.
My ex gf was a histrionic. Biggest fake scene bitch ever. Mix of 1,5, and 10. She thought I was too nice and wanted a DBag, only pretended to like Escape the Fate and ADTR(thought ADTR had too much screaming and double bass and thought ETF were cocky assholes),and got mad when I watched American Pie/B-movies with hella nudity/and Porn with my bros. Towords the end of our relationship she went through a punk phase and Tried to be all hardcore cuz she liked Anti-Flag and got into PETA activisim and became a vegan. That’s why I dumped her lol. Nowadays she’s a failed model who only shops at Abercrombie and hangs out at frat-parties of schools she doesn’t even go to
3 is so fucking spot on.
the nuyorican girl: the puerto rican girl who was raised in the us then returns to puerto rico. at first you think shes cool and different, but then you find out she blew every dick in da bronx.
haha very specific, lets get racist:
asian bitches that complain about dudes having “yellow fever”, but only date white guys.
i wasnt really being racist since im puerto rican (and i live there, i just hate nuyoricans), but i see what you mean.
important detail: does not actually speak spanish
…HE KNOWS!!!
Sarge I laughed when you said you know the girl in the Earth Crisis picture. At first I thought it was amusing how I could ask about any member of any 90′s hardcore band and you’ve probably partied/hung out/ate a meal with them, but I’m guessing I could just take any random live photo of any hardcore band and you’d know at least one person in the shot. All this is 100% spot on about annoying girls, too. The naive, uptight prude eventually goes wild after going to college though, and becomes super cool.
that’s because despite what it might seem like there was probably only 20/30 people at the shows “back in the day” (if Sarge’s experience is anything like mine).
haha YES, totally! for example, i saw All Out War, Overcast and some other band of that level in like 98 and there were seriously like 25 people there- funny considering they could headline some big fest these days
win
this is all spot on. If i had to chose i would smash the undercover mainstreamer that to me would be the most “smashable” of the group and i definatly agree with you on the alt porn thing.
Yeah, undercover mainstreamer or the hot slut who only dates assholes for me. I don’t really find those two annoying… I mean, yeah, all girls are annoying to some degree, but those two are not too bad.
Fig. 12: The girl who brags about how much she can drink. Barf. I know it’s similar to Fig. 8, but it’s a special breed of annoying. Yes. We get it. You hate yourself, you started drinking when you were 10, and you’re destroying yourself because life is pointless. It’s old, you’re an annoying drunk, and your breath stinks. I’m not an edger by any means, but for Satan’s sake if you’re going to purposefully make bad decisions please fucking do it properly.
These are the girls I seem to attract.
Fig. 13: The girl who posts lyrics on her Facebook wall. You know the one. It’s always some gay emo shit from some mnstrm rawk band. Her life is despair and the music of Three Days Grace is her only outlet. There are also many, many dudes like this, but with girls it always seems worse because they’re just begging for the WKs and fellow girls (“you’re so pretty!”) to come along and like their posts.
THIS. Bar smoking, nothing turns me off more than a girl who’s like “Haha yeah, I can like totally drink guys under the table.” Thats not attractive, thats like me bragging I can put on lipstick and eye shadow better than most girls. Drink 2 alcopops, act wasted and leave drinking to guys.
“they’re just begging for the WKs and fellow girls (“you’re so pretty!”) to come along”
Ugh, THIS. so fucking annoying– “I LOOK SO GROSS TODAY BUT I’M POSTING THIS PIC ANYWAY LMAO”
My girlfriend says she likes HORSE the band, but she’s no ugly nerd, she’s hot as fuck so I don’t even care if she’s just pretending lololoollo
why the fuck would anyone pretend to like HORSE the band?
Because normally she listens to Bon Jovi and Black Veil Brides p much 24/7
I think she’s legit though, she started listening to it on her own, I just put some songs on her laptop
also she’s kind of like “one of the guys” but not in a weird or annoying way, she’s just chill and awesome
post pics or gtfo!
you misspelled tits.
i don’t share >:)
so aka she isn’t real
Would smash em all and not pull out!… I have told my gf a few times how glad I am that shes not a turd.
you left out uggo potheads and hipter bishes
ha, I actually did have a pothead one: http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/wp-content/uploads/hip-hop-girl.jpg
That could just be called “16-18 year old girls”.
I know way too many of these girls. Some of ‘em are actually hot, though, so I’m okay with it.
‘hot slut’ is trailer/white trash looking!
And call me crazy but I like girls who mosh. It’s better than the ones who go to shows and stand at the edge trying to get fucked by all the men.
You are crazy, you can bet every single band who is playing for those moshers…fuck it, EVERY SINGLE GUY WHO HAS EVER PLAYED MUSIC SINCE THE DAWN OF FUCKING MAN! Actually wishes for the opposite of what you want.
I doubt that. Chicks got balls chicks DTF.
I feel this bro… Good call.
Yeah, I’ve never seen it work that way ever. If a chicks got balls, she’s probably got a Rosie the Riveter poster too.
Dude, what about the combination between number 9 and number 1? The “cool artsy dream girl who only dates the most malicious assholes in the world”. Yu know, the one who’s a hot tomboy that “likes” a bunch of cool stuff and befriends some poor sap who falls head over heels in love with them, but had a terrible childhood and thereby only dates drunk, out of control crazy assholes that knock them around half the time?
oh, you mean “girls who went to art school”?
That is exactly what I meant!
“UGLY NERD WHO PRETENDS TO LIKE COOL SHIT” ugh, I have WAY too much experience with this one. “Metal Chicks” think I like them because I have long hair and listen to black metal, but I find them fucking repulsive. I prefer the “modestly hot hipster chick who hangs out at the Apple store and tries to look cool by listening to everything Pitchfork likes” type.
Ted, can we be friends? We have a lot in common.
We can be best friends.
Wicked.
And no 11 is probably the most annoying one because instead of just being depressing and ugly (and in love with whichever one of her friends you are trying to bag) they hover around begging for attention while actively cock blocking you. Also, I’m pretty sure you took this one from one of my comments on this blog a while back!
oh thanks dude, sorry I forgot where I found all these images!
What’s wrong with a big bush? Smash em all and let the fat ones blow you. Just don’t tell anybody. When you got a load to drop you gotta drop that shit.
Hipster bitches = unsmashable/10
Only Hipster dudes smash hipster chicks. True story.
This article = fucking incredible. I know at least 5 different #9′s that would be the most smashable cool bishes in the world if they would only wear some yoga pants now and then.
its such a shame, isn’t it?? they could be so so hot if only they would act like it!
Eh. Once their clothes are off, I could care less whether what they were wearing was slutty or not.
No 9 is basically every chick in the early/mid ’90s. Srs sucked being young then… #9 = the entire college I went to… ;( Chicks used to wear overalls back then. Overalls. Chew on that…
overalls? shiiit. i know a dude who wheres overalls, but shit
the best part of this article is going through your friends list on facebook and assigning EVERY girl a number from the list.
I know max 3 girls that aren’t on this list. Nailed it. I’ve got a suggestion though: the girl that is so in love with her BF of 3 months that she posts at least 4 status updates per day about how much she loves him. If any dudes as much as talk to her, she assumes they’re trying to smash, and gets super offended and uptight and tells her BF to try to fight you.
Oh god yes haha. “its our 5 week anniversary im so happy!!!”
D@ BI7CH WH0 TYP3Z L1K3 TH1Z 0N F@C3B00K. I dont if girls still do it (if they ever did) in the US but its more than common in Puerto Rico
So true.
idk if this is “annoying” or “lulzy” per se, but there are also those unfortunate bishes who are super cool, interesting, cute, and legitimately funny, but they’re just overweight enough that you don’t wanna smash. They drop down to a reasonable weight = 9-9.5′s, easy.
I find those are the good ones to be friends with
“Not only is she 30, sxe, and vegan (which means her tweets will all be about cupcakes, cats, and knitting)”
i find this kind of endearing when women talk about it, even though knitting is the most pointless hobby ever.
Bravo, Sarge. Although I would add something to Fig 3: ENTRY-LEVEL ALT PORN “STAR”. Although she posts half-nude/nude pics of herself all over tumblr and facebook she is really a feminist, loves Fredich Nietzsche, and is an aspiring writer. In reality she is a stripper, but calls herself an exotic dancer/entertainer/muse (LOL!) and has a few credits from the local community college.
Says stripping is a form of female empowerment, but gets really butt hurt at guys at the club that don’t give a fuck about her new routine and just want to see her vag/butthole for $1.
“How dare you objectify me! I am more than some pretty piece of meat!”
fucking lol @ strippers with excessively high self-esteem. $1 to see your asshole = you are an object for a living
I like alt-porn (I have a thing for tattoos and stupid hair colors) but yeah “feminist strippers” are lulzy as hell in a really sad way
Actually, I don’t find them lulzy at all, but rather annoying as fuck. Like Sarge said, being a stripper = you are an object for a living. Typically they are too busy posting picture on social networks so betas can complement them to realize they are a walking contradiction. Super annoying. Also, these bishs are really into “slut walk”, but don’t get me started on that.
the worst kind – carefreewhitegirl
http://www.carefreewhitegirl.com/post/5398248160/me-and-carefree-white-girl-have-something-in
How about Instagram sluts? Mirror + hold phone up + wait for everyone to comment on how cute their outfit is.
Troll that shit with really creepy compliments.
Sarg, How do you feel about Lexi Diamond’s boob job???
Personally, not a fan. :(
so unfortunate :( i loved her little mosquito bites
Re that one chick: roller derby? Holy fucking shit. If anything says ‘avoid me’ as hard as roller derby, I don’t know what it is.
Girl who does roller derby: Bish with chip on her shoulder who gets violent and angry when drunk. Finds herself in fights with random guys at bars.
don’t forget fat arms. rollerderby = fat arms, they are one and the same
Female here who did roller derby for a couple years. Yes I was fat when I did it and I completely agree with D when he says it’s a requirement. I quit last year and moved away. Came back to visit and everyone else blew up while I lost 20+ pounds.
Sarge, we gotta get something straight, Amia Miley > Lexi Diamond.
I’m just stoked to go back to college, there are a lot of #9′s that don’t dress like idiots, hoping to find one without boyfriend/boring as shit.
1 and 2 make me rage the most.
oh god I love her too. Lexi is a little cuter IMO, but Amia Miley is amazing too. would sell my soul to smash either!
Cuter maybe, but Amia has the fuck advantage, and voice advantage. Adorable.
Amia is def the better fuck
Glad you can see it my way. Get on that Melanie Rios shit.
No, what makes me rage the most is Brenda Song being knocked up by douchetool Trace Cyrus. She’s way too cute for that guy.
On the topic of alt porn, I think Sasha Grey’s hot when she’s not drinking piss or whatever the fuck else her presumably severe issues prompt her to do, but just about everything else = groce.
Also, I would posit that the hottest porn star ever = Rebeca Linares pre-tit job.
sasha grey is pretty, but i have two issues with her (aside from drinking piss and having 50 black guys cum on her face). 1. DAT BUSH :( 2. too indie/hipster for me, like when she talks about her record collection and shit
honestly though seems like someone i could be good friends with, she is very smart and cool from what i have heard
Rebecca is def a respectable answer, but if we’re talking pre-tit job I’d say Lela Star can’t be beat. Even now she’s hot as hell.
Sorta related but kinda not “cool story bro,” but the girl getting the siqqq Earth Crisis mic grab… a friend of mine found that picture forever ago and posted it on the B9 and was like “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS GIRL IS? I NEED TO MARRY HER” because he loves Earth Crisis. Everyone in the thread was like “lolz you’re a creep” and he never found her.
Related: number 6 is spot-on and fucking hilarious. Twitpics of cupcakes every 5 tweets or so.
lololol her name is Lizzy Macdonald and she is from Bainbridge Island, WA. not sure where she lives now, but i heard her bf proposed to her at rainfest last year. i havent seen her in years but i cant lie, her body was bangin- very athletic for a white person!
the sausage queen . . . . kinda like the ugly chick who pretends to like cool shit. . .except a lot of times they’re not ugly
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sausage%20queen
also, EVERY porn star that ever got a boob job needed one
(except Melissa Lauren)
neat… now guys addtion please!
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totally, 3, 5, or 8.
Those get me. But this whole thing is great.
Fig 8: WOULD LET HER SMASH ME/10
+ 6 billion internets for the Necro refrence