IKEACORE: hardcore for overeducated pussies who never actually liked hardcore

My friends mostly fall into two categories: fucked up alcoholics/drug addicts/criminals and overeducated pussies who are too smart for their own good yet somehow never found a way to make any real money. Although in many ways they couldn’t possibly be more different, the common thread is that I know almost all of them through the hardcore scene.

You are probably asking yourself “Hardcore?! What’s hardcore about being a 34 year-old with a pot belly, 1999 Subaru Outback wagon, two kids and making $36,000 a year as a public school teacher??” And you’re right, they’re not hardcore! But despite that, many of these groce betas/chubby girls with Betty Page hair did briefly flirt with hardcore, and that’s where our paths crossed.

IKEACORE (also known as GAINSEVILLECORE and LIBRARIANCORE) is the soundtrack to their lives, because Ikea perfectly represents the lifestyle of highly educated, yet foolish and lazy white people. They wish they could have fancy modernist furniture, but they are dumb idealists who got worthless liberal arts degrees, now have the correspondingly sad paychecks, and all they can afford is Ikea.

BRB WRITING REALLY HEARTFELT LYRICS ABOUT HOW ‘AMAZING’ WORKING CLASS PPL ARE

While this is obviously a gross simplification and not everybody fits precisely into these neat stereotypes, I think it’s helpful to look at the musical career paths of your typical hardcore bro such as me and compare it to the path of an IKEACORE fggt:

Entry-level metal (Slayer, Slipknot, etc) -> entry-level punk (Dead Kennedys, Casualties, etc) -> HARDCORE (in the case of lifers like me, this usually turns into a painful REGRETCORE phase, but that’s another post)

Alternative rock -> entry-level punk -> brief hardcore phase -> basement emo/indie rock -> IKEACORE (may be followed by playing indie children’s music ala The Evens)

As you can see, the critical difference here is that IKEACOREs start from a much more beta place. So, while you might think of them as hardcore kids, it’s really an optical illusion: maybe they went to amazingcore/Bane/No Warning shows for a couple of years, but they were just experimenting with their identity; they never REALLY liked hardcore. They were always soft pussies who were more sad than angry, and that is why they grew out of hardcore and retreated to the comfort of more feminine music.

The key features of IKEACORE as a genre mirror the weak, disgusting nature of its fans: dull, vaguely ‘punk’ music that is neither melodic nor heavy (see Fugazi); hoarse, ‘braying donkey’ style vocals that are completely tuneless (but it’s OK because they are are ‘singing with so much emotion’); and lyrics about stuff that liberal whites are into such as how great poor people are, unjust events in faraway countries or feeling sad about some bullshit. Basically they are what Gorilla Biscuits meant when they said “coded messages in slowed down songs.”

A few examples:

DEFEATER: DEAR FATHER Y U NO LOVE ME

 

Back in the 90s, you know someone was an IKEACORE asshole if they said “I hate pop punk, except for Propaghandi.” They were a NOFX/Good Riddance ripoff comprised of a bunch of shrill Canadians who relentlessly criticized the US yet felt free to accept our American dollars (which IMO constitutes ‘fueling the military-prison-industrial murder machine’). LOL @ how they got a pass on being one of the least original bands of the 90s pop punk glut just because of their gay lyrics.

 

Rise Against, continuing the proud tradition of skinny white fggts with acoustic guitars telling you what war is all about.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVuuJMlbKY8

Fat guy who is ‘singing his heart out,’ skinny fggt with a jewfro and patchy beard, and homely girl singing along?? Yup, it’s IKEACORE, courtesy of Make Do Mend. And OMG he has a 1/8″ cut on his forehead but he doesn’t even care because their music MEANS SO MUCH TO HIM!!! He needs to ‘get his feelings out or they will eat him from inside’!! Also, his boss at the non-profit let him use a sick day for this show so he wants to make the most of it since he only gets 3 this year.

What do you think about IKEACORE?? Why do these people think they have anything to do with punk or hardcore??  Which is gayer, being in an IKEACORE band or letting some strange old man with whiskey on his breath finger your asshole behind the Greyhound station????

About Sergeant D

I was like yeah ok whatever
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114 Responses to IKEACORE: hardcore for overeducated pussies who never actually liked hardcore

  1. Some awesome guy says:

    I love jamming out to “hero of war” over my vehicle comms on patrol. My guys always groan when the song comes on because it is so horrible. Thats why i love the song. I also like the subtlety of its message.

  2. bork says:

    ITS LIKE YOU KNOW ME

    this whole article cuts deep

  3. RJG says:

    Have you noticed that Walter Schreifels is like the O.G. proto-IKEACORE god? Ask any IxC beardo what his favorite hardcore bands are and he’ll probably say “Gorilla Biscuits, Lifetime and Bane.” In fact, someone once told me that “Start Today is like Age of Quarrel but for girls.” I lol’d and then thought about it for a second realized it was 100% true. Look at Walter’s own progression: Sick Mosh/stage dives with bros -> Whiney Alt. Rock/Grunge/Post Hardcore -> Whinier nostalgia-pop-core -> Acoustic songs about girls in Whole Foods (srs.)

  4. grossj says:

    conclusion: sgt. d hates everything

  5. bork says:

    seriously, love of midcentury modern furniture i can’t afford because i’m 31 and still in grad school, teenage years spent at propagandhi shows, now jamming out to make do and mend.

  6. Austin Nutter says:

    Alternative names for this genre; Hummuscore, HGTVcore, and for that Rise Against song it could be Jane Fondacore, I mean I’m far from conservative or pro-war or anything but damn it’s preachy as hell. Could Anti-Flag be included in this category? Sick basslines, catchy melodies, but super whiny, my-parents-are-rich-and-I’m-rebelling-against-them-by-wearing-this-Che-Guevara-shirt viewpoints.

  7. Bloody Mary says:

    Hah-hah… “hummuscore”

    Sargent D – you DO make me lough. Ain’t ya clever… :-)

  8. Autodidact says:

    To me, Rise Against are like The Wonder Years:

    1. The music sounds pretty good
    2. Catchy as hell
    3. Preachy/whiny faggots on vocals
    4. Fanbase is all about “the deep message” in their records

    For the record, I met Tim at LA Rising. He’s not that big of a preaching nancy in person and in fact a nice guy.

    And I would LOVE to meet Soupy so I can tell him to man the fuck up and quit being a pussy

  9. shiv says:

    This is the opposite of slam so I hate it and will crusade against it #deadsrs

  10. Andrew says:

    Hey Sg. D- what if I like all this music but also like scene music and Entombedcore and Metalcore? and I an anomaly or is this pretty common????

    • Awilhelmscream says:

      I’m in the same boat as you – I love Make Do and Mend and kinda dig Defeater, but I’m still slamming Fight Fair, blink-182, Me VS Hero, The Ghost Inside, Nails, Your Demise etc.!

  11. VyceVictus says:

    This post was particularly fascinating and educational, like that Stuff White People Like website.

    You know, even with slavery, discrimination, and the never-ending shame of black foolishness (the 40+ shootings back home in NYC during the West Indian parade was particularly shameful), sometimes I wake up in the morning, take a look in the mirror and say to myself “goddamn, it’s good to be black”.

    I dont think I could handle white ppl problems. Your perseverance astounds me sometimes.

    • Sergeant D says:

      lolololol BOOM

      Ikeacores really are the ones who should be pitied.

      If you’re black, latin or to a lesser extent asian, you will have to put up with a certain amount of racism. But for the most part, it won’t really be a huge barrier to living a happy life, it’s just annoying, ignorant bullshit that will get on your nerves from time to time.

      On the other hand, for Ikeacores it’s much worse. You see, their problem are much tougher to solve, because they are self-created. For liberal whites, life isn’t worth living unless it’s “meaningful,” and it’s only “meaningful” unless they have suffered through some terrible hardship. The problem is that they were fortunate enough to be born into relatively hardship-free lives, so they have to make their own problems (which often includes trying to “save” poor people, minorites, etc in what IMO is insultingly racist ways, but that’s another story).

      You might have to put up with the occasional racist idiot saying or doing something retarded, but Ikeacores/liberal whites have to live with themselves, which is a much, much harder sentence.

  12. Walker says:

    There seems to be a similar trend developing in metal as well: Start as a sick sludge/death/black band, release a ‘mature’ album (preferably produced by Sanford Parker) and then start a solo project where you write ‘Americana’/outlaw country/sad old man music about the working class/substance abuse/other annoying shit and have everyone like it because it reminds them of Children of God-era Swans.

  13. Post-Modern Warfare says:

    Eh, I really dig Rise Against. They are way super-serious and earnest and all that noise but I kind of like listening to The Sufferer And The Witness when I’m unemployed and pissed off that I can’t get another job (ie: now). Their ‘AMERICA IS FUCT’ message shit grates but the lyrics are usually so broad I don’t have to think about it. The new album kind of blows.

    Fucking hate Defeater. Music for people with Mustaches tattooed on their finger.

  14. heemeyer says:

    propagandhi’s later stuff (after john k samson left to start the infinitely more beta weakerthans) is actually some ripping thrash punk

    • yesh man I agree 100%… propaghandi are a legit band that do more for charity etc than pretty much anyone out there…

      In saying that their old shit is terrible… sgt d listen to potemkin city limits and don’t tell me that’s legit…

      • Sergeant D says:

        AMOUNT OF FUCKS GIVEN: ______

        fuck those pompous canadians. congratulations, you know how to copy a NOFX riff like every other 90s pop punk band, only you ruined it by writing exactly the kind of retarded lyrics NOFX mocked so effectively

  15. GRDubz says:

    Hah I actually like all the bands mentioned here but I still lol’zd because it’s what Sarge does, never in a million years would I expect to like the same music but it’s always funny.

    Couple of points though: no self respecting ‘orgcore/flannel-beard punk/ikeacore’ person likes Rise Against anymore. They’re like a modern rock band now.
    Plus, no Hot Water Music mention??

  16. nyanja says:

    that’s cute.

  17. FAT GAY CHYNA says:

    -What do you think about IKEACORE??
    You took the words right out of my mouth.

    Why do these people think they have anything to do with punk or hardcore??
    PUNK>HARDCORE. NOTHING.

    Which is gayer, being in an IKEACORE band or letting some strange old man with whiskey on his breath finger your asshole behind the Greyhound station????
    I would rather suck wigger dick at the Greyhound station than listen to Fugazi.

  18. HUANSOAHN says:

    you are a fucking genius man.this post made me laugh for hours.you speak out of my mind.

    i hate those hippiecore faggots (as i call them).

  19. snikt says:

    “Alternative rock -> entry-level punk -> brief hardcore phase -> basement entry level emo/indie rock -> IKEACORE”

    no one i know who likes “real” emo/screamo can stand this bullshit either

  20. ge5undhe17 says:

    oh no, no no no no….Rise Against. This is like a serious version of pop punk, and I fear I might grow into this phase too.

  21. bla says:

    D, how could you forget about Jawbreaker? Blake Schwarzenbach is as IKEACORE as it gets.

  22. Save Parker says:

    Hahahaha, you are pretty mad about this one. I bet you have a close friend who is usually a cool guy but just talks about bands like this forever, leading you to secretly hate/openly mock him all the time.

  23. Nick says:

    Regardless of music, I think by the time most people are in their 30s they have either cemented their status as a dirtbag fuck up or some kind of unremarkable middle-class person. My point is, now that there have been Juggalos for like 15 years, I wonder if we will see the emergence of a post-Juggalo equivalent to Ikeacore.

  24. HERMAN says:

    lolol, my sister went to school in gainesville and i was always at a loss for the right way to describe these peeps…i usually just called em beardos, but ikeacore is much more precise.

    that said, i share a certain amount of traits with the ikeacore set, despite not liking any of these bands.

    • HGSG says:

      these dudes are all over san diego too, and like you, i never really knew what to call them. are they as stuck up about microbrew everywhere else as they are here?

  25. JS says:

    Fuck, I was reading this post at work. I work for teh government, and i was having some boring as fuck course about the digital filing system while looking at the hot co-employees i would like to smash and not paying much attention.. then when the post was read to the end one of my bros wrote me about if we were ever going to go to a show again, and then first thing i did was counting the number of days i could take off for the rest of 2011.

    this article = ZING

  26. Manuwar says:

    liberal arts colleges are fucking hilarious. Whats the point in spending thousands of dollars in education in something so silly? after sleepless nights studying zoology or chemistry i often think to myself “atleast its not fucking art appreciation”

    • DarthZedd says:

      The psychology department of my school towers over all the other departments in numbers. However, my upper level accounting classes have no more than 20 people in them(most of us are groce nerds too). I’m glad that so many study worthless, easy degrees. That just gives us(bros with real degrees) less competition when we’re looking for jobs.

  27. alexsbrother says:

    Lots of homophobic terms being thrown around. Congratulations everyone.

    • Wintermute says:

      We live in a post-faggot society.

    • wk says:

      I was thinking the same. This is a great site for those witty souls who still can’t get over their baser phobias. Come on, people, gay people are awesome and could be your friends if you weren’t so childish. Your loss.

  28. J says:

    meh, go feed your kids

    #TOKENCAPSLOCK

  29. T-Bone says:

    LOL, so good.

    Sorry Sarge, but I must shamefully admit, I sometimes enjoy the white guilt sounds of Ikeacore. But as others have mentioned you are talking some serious entry level Ikeacore. Rise Against?!?! That’s KROQ bullshit!
    If you want a list of alpha Ikeacore bands, just let me know.

    BUT, I also still love the ignorant mosh and my trajectory never involved any alternative rock crap. Still a breakdown loving (older) hardcore kid, who just happens to have slightly expanded his musical tastes.

  30. Brah says:

    Which is gayer, being in an IKEACORE band or letting some strange old man with whiskey on his breath finger your asshole behind the Greyhound station????

    Fucking slayed me irl.

  31. HGSG says:

    sarge, what are your thoughts on gaslight anthem? i thought you were going in include them in this post, although i’m not really sure they fit.

  32. Fapfapfap says:

    I thought the “Homely girl” was kinda hot

  33. cougar Party says:

    Srsly one of your best posts.

  34. shawnyouwillhate says:

    propa was the only thing I could ever consider listening to in this post

  35. Brimstone says:

    I was seriously trying to decide whether to see Title Fight and Touche Amore tomorrow when I saw this post. You’ve got me figured out exactly, sadly enough. It went classic rock – indie – Gaslight Anthem – trying to get into orgcore stuff. So yeah, I’m that, right down to the liberal arts education.

    *shrug* what can you do?

  36. Pauly D. says:

    GAINSEVILLECORE = FUCKING LOL. Everyone in Gainesville is EXACTLY like this.

  37. Fink says:

    I feel like the Locust belongs on this list.

    • Son of Nanda says:

      The Locust do have a load of dick head fans however they troll the fuck out of the hxc scene so much that I think they deserve to be excepted. Plus Justin Pearson is obviously just in it to bang as many sluts as possible.

  38. Jesse McHater says:

    Can we please add Fucked Up to this list?! “Uh..i used to like hardcore, but now i need something poppier because my girlfriend hates Ringworm”

  39. Andrew says:

    Big ikeacore bands not mentioned yet: against me snd the Lawrence arms.

  40. Alexander says:

    LOL. I like Propagandhi’s first album, but I’m science student. am I IKEACORE??? I also like The Lawrence Arms!!! hate the other bands mentioned in the article/comments section as being IKEACORE, but the way I see it, IKEACORE, like juggalo, is primarily a way of life, not a musical taste.

    • Brah says:

      +1 to “IKEACORE, like juggalo, is primarily a way of life, not a musical taste.”

      It’s niche hipster. They are hipsters at heart with the overbearing opinions, love of shit other people don’t like, stupid ideologies, etc. They sell themselves as “different” and they like “hardcore” and blah blah blah, but it’s really the same vibe etc. as a jazz jam band who plays at that coffee shop off the quad. They can’t directly compete with other hipster so they diversify, classic beta maneuvers.

      • Alexander says:

        cool man I guess I’m not IKEACORE b/c I think I’m a completely ordinary fucking loser and I don’t really like “hardcore” haha

        Jawbreaker rule though

  41. Anonymous says:

    Right-wingers don’t belong in hardcore. Fuck your blog.

  42. xangelx says:

    Boy you surely suck dog balls

  43. gnusosa says:

    Here in SF, specially, in Mission IKEACORE individuals listen to 90′s post-hardcore shit. Good example: Quicksand.

    And there seems to be more IKEACORE females than males.
    Beta?

  44. Nick says:

    I DID go see Title Fight and Touche Amore a few weeks ago. So yeah, this is my life.

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  46. Derp says:

    I just got Supporting Caste by Propagandhi, they’re a like a hardcore band. This album rules.

  47. gary says:

    I honestly think the guy that wrote this article is a complete moron. You’re 34 and still cant interpret punk/hardcore in a standpoint that a true fan would. AND WTF IS IKEA you fucking moron….its spelled EKKAIA. Goes to show how much you know about what they sing about or stand for WHEN YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THE NAME. And by the way, your taste in “punk” is horrifying. Try some Circle Jerks or Black Flag for fucks sake fuck that lame ‘street punk’ (IF THAT) bullshit (like the Casualties). EKKAIA*** hast post punk and STRONG crust punk influences for your fucking information. And this “Over Educated Pussy Music” is a complete branch off from early post punk/emo bands PERIOD. Learn your shit old man or shut the fuck up. Fuck the internet and FUCK YOU.

  48. gary says:

    regardless of what the fuck ikeacore is or where the term came from…The correct term is screamo, or emotional hardcore at least i think that’s what you’re referring too. And now that i realize its the entire genre you’re talking about, this is even more ridiculous.

  49. lucifersmile says:

    i <3 propagandhi

  50. DudeBro says:

    Hahaha. Make Do and Mend. I recognize the skinny bitch in that photo.

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  52. anon lol says:

    being srs i view this as culture differences. im a bitter poor fucked up motherfucker i just get by my apartment is a piece of shit and everything is breaking down all the time. i love shit like war hound, xibalba, nasty, metallica, biohazard, soul search, dead end path, you know all that heavy shit. people who are into shit like douche amore and everything you mentioned = faux angry rich boys moaning about their self-created problems and ”hardship”(LOL) because its cool to do so.

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  54. everyman says:

    Damn, I hate music snobs..

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