Hi, I’m Sergeant D, and I’m addicted to video games. My interest in other things waxes and wanes, but the one thing I’ve always loved is games! That’s bad enough, but it gets even worse: I’m not talking about mainstream, socially acceptable stuff like GTA, Halo, Call Of Duty, and so forth. I’m into the most beta, nerdy shit you can imagine. Want to know more? Keep reading: in this post, I will talk about some of my favorite games, talk shit on some games I don’t like, and reveal all my shameful, nerdy secrets. Also, I love cocks.
I’ll alienate the majority of the audience right off the bat: with a few exceptions (like Just Cause 2, which I love), I’m just not into Western games. Halo, GTA, COD, Madden, and all those generic “bald space marine” FPSs, racing games, and other dull, generic games with no imagination? Or playing online poker? No thx brahs, I’ll be playing my Dreamcast. Call me a snob/beta/weeaboo but I pretty much only fuck with Japanese games. Here’s what I do like:
Like any good sausage/weeaboo, the majority of what I play are JRPGS. I have a bad habit of not finishing games, but I’ve at least played pretty much every JRPG since the Famicom days (that’s right, I love cocks so much that I say Famicom and Super Famicom instead of NES/SNES). Of course I love all the classics like FF 5 and 6 (also liked 9 and 12 a lot though), Wild Arms, Breath Of Fire 3 and 4, Lunar (PS1 versions), but as you might guess I’m also into some seriously faggoty stuff that even hardcore RPG fans hate. Oh, and I’m also a 2D whore and the more bright, happy colors in the art the better. DID MENTION I LOVE COCKS????
One of my very favorite RPGs of all time!! I love trying out new dresspheres and singing along with Yuna!
Obviously I am a huge Atlus fanboy, which means I love Persona. They’re all excellent games, but P3 is my favorite because it’s about angsty Japanese high school students and has the best music.
Rhapsody is a delightful little PS1 RPG that was one of Atlus’ less appreciated releases. I think it’s for 8 year-old girls because it’s so fucking easy, but I love the characters, music and art. You can play through the whole thing in a day, so if you are in the mood for a sugary sweet fairy tale RPGs, give it a shot!
To be really specific, strategy RPGs are my #1 favorite genre, aka “games where you move your little guys around on a grid and pay attention to all the numbers.” IMO Fire Emblem is the best in the genre thanks to permadeath and the fact that grinding is impossible in most of the series. But WHY DID THEY FUCK UP THE ART in the DS games?! Why is it all grey and brown now?! I hate it!
I <3 GRINDING FOR TEH NUMBERS
Disgaea is maybe tied with Fire Emblem for best SRPG in my book. Not only is the gameplay great, but the writing is genuinely funny– naming a character “Mid-Boss” is one of the most brilliant things ever!
We couldn’t possibly discuss weeaboo SRPGs without including Super Robot Wars! If you aren’t familiar, it’s an incredibly prolific series that is a sausage’s dream come true, putting robots from just about every anime under the sun into a Fire Emblem-like SRPG. If you’ve ever wanted to have Getta Robo, Combattler V and Gaogaigar fighting Char, then this will be your favorite thing ever. And if you don’t know what any of that means, consider yourself lucky… I wish I didn’t :(
SHOOTERS, BEAT EM UPS & PLATFORMERS
I’m old, so I remember back when arcades were actually relevant. That means two things: I’m blinded by nostalgia and I am too stupid to understand how to play new games. I still play the fuck out of 80s and 90s arcade/action games, and IMO they still hold up well today (although I am also totally open to the fact that I’m an oldfag who has lost touch with the world and that these games may actually suck). And before you ask, no I’m not into Cave/Psikyo bullet hell shmups– and that might be the most beta subgenre of all, given the high correlation between fans of those games and fans of Japanese grindcore/noise.
When it comes to old-school shooters, it really doesn’t get any better than Parodius. If you aren’t familiar, it’s a self-parody of Gradius created by the same team who did Gradius that’s basically the best game of all time. The gameplay is excellent (albeit hard as fuck), but the best part are the bright, happy graphics and crazy shit like the boss from Sexy Parodius that is a tanuki with giant, swollen balls. I wish all games looked like this!!
It doesn’t get a lot of love, but Progear (aka Progia no Arashi) is a really great steampunk shmup from the mid-90s. The graphics are absurdly detailed to the point that it makes Metal Slug look sloppy, and the story cutscenes are full of hilarious Engrish. Plays great in MAME!
I tremble with nerdrage when I think about how bad they fucked up Bionic Commando for 360. This is why you don’t let fucking white people work on Japanese franchises!!! The Famicom version is still one of my favorite games of all time, I just wish it would have gotten a 16-bit sequel.
At one point I had three PC Engines. U JELLY??
I’m also a huge, huge fan of Metroidvania games- the perfect balance of action and exploration IMO. The DS Castlevania games are probably my favorite in the genre, but I’ll play just about anything along those lines. On that note, why the fuck did they turn Kid Icarus into a goddamn Panzer Dragoon clone?! It would have made the perfect new Metroidvania franchise!
RANDOM WEIRD SHIT & KUSOGE
Given that this site is the internet’s leading resource on stuff like crunkcore and Italian easycore, it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’m also into weird and/or terrible games. There are some games that are good but weird (Parodius, Earthbound, Parappa The Rapper, Space Channel 5), and then there are games that are just plain fucked up and awful- the Japanese term is “kusoge,” which means “shit game.” I love both!
Takeshi No Chosenjou is a fascinating Famicom title that is essentially trollface in game form. It was created by the famous Japanese filmaker/comedian/weirdo Beat Takeshi with the express purpose of making the most difficult, unpleasant, dreadful game possible… and it is! This video goes into more detail, but there are lots of hilarious parts like where you have to blow into the controller for an hour in order to progress.
Vib Ribbon is weird, but it’s actually a great game. Essentially it’s a rhythm game: you have to press buttons in time with the music as the character walks through levels that are automatically generated based on the music. You can even put in your own CD and it will make levels for you! I really, really love the soundtrack.
If you are a fan of super campy, ridiculous 80s action anime then you’ll love Godhand. On the surface it’s a hilarious parody of 80s anime tropes (especially Fist Of The North Star), but it’s also a very deep and difficult action game. Don’t sleep on this one!
In this video, someone recreates the Doraemon theme song using sounds from Resident Evil 1. At first I laughed, but then I fell into a deep depression because I realized what I had become :(
Would you be interested in more posts about video games?? What are your favorites? Does it get anymore uber-beta than playing obscure Super Famicom games with cartoon octopuses and flying cupcakes in them?? Are you disappointed in me for being so into cutesy, pastel games???