MILLIONAIRES beg for money to record their album

As you may know, Kickstarter is a digital panhandling site that allows people to beg for money to fund their art projects. It’s very popular with artsy white fggts who are looking for money to start their artisanal saltwater taffy stand or “hella bitter seltzer cart,” but who would have thought we’d see MILLIONAIRES on there?? Yet here they are, trying to raise $10,000 to record their debut LP:

Hiiiii! We’re Melissa Marie & Allison Green (yes, we’re sisters!) & we are the “DirtyPop/Electro” duo known as MILLIONAIRES. Ever since we started the band back in ’07, we have done EVERYTHING ourselves. Our fans have been patiently waiting years for us to put together a full length album, & we don’t want them to wait any longer! The only problem is (especially with no label/management support & everything we do is “DIY” & out-of-pocket) paying for producers, recording time, & making physical cd copies for distribution is obviously severely costly. We’re not “millionaires” yet ;)

My thoughts:

  • MILLIONAIRES Y U NO HAVE MONEY 2 RECORD?! But real talk, if they don’t have a label or management, you have to figure it’s because they are impossible to work with [via hot, dumb girls from Orange County]
  • I love that they bill themselves as a DIY band, mostly because it will make a few people raeg who still take “DIY” seriously
  • Allison looks way more smashable than Melissa. When did this happen?! Melissa, U JELLY????

Also, the prizes are kind of amazing:

I’ve gotten several replies from Melissa, and all I do is discuss whether she is smashable or not. Don’t pay for that shit, just make fun of her and she will reply for free.

Seriously considering paying for this one, only because a) I make that in about 35 minutes and b) I can only imagine the sinking “Oh fuck, THIS guy…” feeling in their stomachs when they get on Skype with me (would probably wear a trollface mask, just to be safe).

Melissa in army pants and flip flops?? Groce :( Miniskirt and tube top, please.

Seriously can’t believe someone bought this AND that they are only offering one! I’ll knit scarves all day for $190 a pop.

Please god, tell me some 45 year-old creep with yellow fever bought this. And not sure which is more funny/embarrassing: how desperate for attention the person is how bought this, or how desperate for cash the girls are for selling it…

Keyword = “maybe”. Text from Melissa after recording your “feature”: “Um yeah we r still trying to figure out what songs r gonna be on the album ill let u know!! xoxo”

“Hay Melissa this is Sergeant D let’s go to Claim Jumper in Laguna Niguel” = $375 well spent


The punchline?? THEY GOT THE MONEY.

About Sergeant D

I was like yeah ok whatever
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43 Responses to MILLIONAIRES beg for money to record their album

  1. Alex_P says:

    “Allison looks way more smashable than Melissa. When did this happen?! Melissa, U JELLY????”

    Cocaine makes girls lose their good fat is all I can say.

  2. Autodidact says:

    Srsly the cell option should also come with a handjob or something. And lol @people paying top money just to get a sceneslut’s cell# which they will probably change after the dinner/disneyland outing

  3. DarthZedd says:

    This is messed up on so many levels, and it’s also possibly white-knighting at it’s worst.

  4. outbackcore says:

    Glad to see a post about them.

    This is so lulzy. So this is how tumblersluts make money?

    Sarge u should srsly do the skype one and post the vid on your blog.

  5. Save Parker says:

    They haven’t even made an album yet and they did Warped tour?

    Plus they would’ve made that money way easier by stripping for it, which is what party girls with low self-esteem usually do. Wish their was a lapdance option.

  6. how long till restraining order is filed on lifetime guest list guy.

  7. quick! lets throw together a wiggerslamz band and a kickstarter to ask for 2,500 to get featured on one of their songs.

  8. Austin Nutter says:

    Why do they need $10,000 to record? Shit, I got a pirated copy of FL 9 and a freeware autotune program, just go out and buy a decent mic and pay me gas money and I’ll get that shit made in an afternoon. I know a guy with a decent DIY studio with a vocal booth, drop him a hundy and brush up against his thigh and we got that shit for as long as we need it. MILLIONAIRES WHY U OVER-COMPLICATE THINGS!?!?!?

  9. Some awesome guy says:

    I am also tempted to do the $25 dollar skype thing and have my whole platoon of horny deployed infantry guys talk to them.

  10. Dope says:

    Wow I feel embarrassed for them. I think this is hilarious given that I follow Melissa on twitter and all she does is brag about how much of a bo$$ she is and how she does mad business and has house cleaners but can’t afford to record a cd. Worst shit is, I think they’ve already made 11,000+ from contributors. I’m glad people are throwing money at them to make another bunch of songs about how “slutty” they are instead of giving the money to charity or something stupid like that. Still debating giving enough cash to do the skype thing so I can flash them my butthole.

  11. Duncan says:

    Worst thing about this post is learning Sgnt D earns < $50 an hour.

  12. Todd says:

    A) No reason these chicks can’t record a totally passable LP for like $1k
    B) There’s no Claim Jumper in Laguna Niguel dog, and even the one in Laguna Hills has closed :-(
    C) Are those chicks actually from LN?- that would make perfect sense

    • Sergeant D says:

      B) I went to one with my cousin and his friends somewhere down there, my bad
      C) I think they are from Huntington Beach but yes they totally seem like they’d be from Laguna Niguel

  13. Inmyheadache says:

    Lost it at “artisinal”. I see that shit everywhere when I’m in NYC. I’m pretty sure my friend’s girlfriend bought some of that taffy from the article. It tasted exactly like shitty boardwalk taffy.

  14. Brah says:

    Would love to pay to see you at claim jumper with the millionaires trolling/spitting game at them coked out ex-balloons.

  15. Leandro S. says:

    Srg, ask them how much to fuck Melissa in the ass.

  16. C.Whizz says:

    this is so fucked up…
    it doesn’t take $10,000 to make a record.
    me and the dudes in our metal band work hard shitty fucking jobs to pay for our recordings (with mixing/mastering/etc.) and bad habits and its nowhere near $10,000.
    i guess if you’re mildly attractive you can get anyone to pay for your drug habits and party like a “millionaire”
    cant knock em though…they made them bucks, i just wish i could get a piece of that pie…that sweet sweet cherry pie. fuck working hard and playing metal, i want to sit on my cute ass all day and do blow off bitches bikini regions and drink hard liquor…yeeeeeeah that shit would be the ill life

  17. Fred Durst says:

    Serg, I would pay you sooooo much money to go on the dinner date with the millionares and ask them for a blowjob all night.

    • Dylan says:

      Seriously, that would be the best thing ever.
      “Oh hey, you must be Sergeant D?”
      “Yes, and how much would it be to get a blowjob?”
      “:/ What?”
      “A blowjob how much?”
      “Blowjobs bitch, will you suck on my dick?”
      50 no’s later you finally get a yes, and thats still a yes.

  18. Stop Cunting says:

    Really… I never thought we’d ever do cunts of the week, but seeing as there’s two of them…

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