Ok – we’ve covered how being a loudmouth SXE kid is basically beta as fuck – so what happens when you’ve been SXE for ‘most of your life’ (6 months) and you want to break edge? There is *nothing* more annoying than the ex-SXE kids that go nuts, get insanely drunk and act like 12 year olds… so I thought I’d write up some lessons on how to break edge and maintain your (relative) cool.
Booze simply makes social gatherings easier – it’s a win/win substance… either it will turn your socially awkward ass into a smooth party machine, or you will be too buzzed/drunk to remember what an ass you made of yourself – often both!
Once you’ve decided to break > covered up that ill thought out XXX tattoo > actually located a party to attend and decided you will be drinking booze it’s best to be a little prepared – here’s some pro tips:
Beer – it’s generally high in carbs and calories, and low in alcohol – you drink a ton, feel bloated as shit and get chubby as fuck. Srs – this is how many chicks go into their ballooning stage. I personally like chubby chicks that pull the look off – so don’t consider this a reason to avoid beer!
Entry Level Beer – most of the beer you encounter at any given party will be low quality. PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) is very ‘blue collar’/popular with hipsters/IKEAcore folk, but it tastes just like Bud/Coors/Miller/etc. These have low alcohol content so you usually need a lot to get drunk.
Mid-level Beer – Heineken, Killian’s Red, Guinness – usually more expensive and slightly better tasting than entry level stuff. Drinking this stuff is a good excuse not to drink too much (tho it usually has the same alcohol content as entry level stuff). Every Irish bro wants to chug Guinness, but it’s heavy & you will quickly start puking – trust me (from experience). Poor people think this kind of beer is ‘really livin’/hipsters think it’s not ironically poor enough.
Advanced Level Beer – Any micro-brewery/over $7 a six-pack is pretty advanced stuff. It usually has a pronounced taste – 99% of the time bitter/dark. Can also have a higher alcohol content (even up to 9%) – it’s not meant to be drunk hanging around other idiots… more for ‘drinking with meals’ and other non-partying usages. Also – people ‘into’ this level beer are fuckin’ lame.
Wine – It may have been cool in the ’90s to show up to a party with your own bottle of wine, but now avoid at all costs.
Malt Liquor – For urban inspired drinks you can get some malt liquor, usually in beer flavored 40s. Gross as fuck and really for poor folk/hipsters being ‘authentic’. Malt liquor is also added to slightly upscale drinks like hard lemonade etc. These are ok in moderation, but often don’t really taste like alcohol so you can quickly get smashed without knowing it.
Hard Liquor – You really should avoid advanced level knowledge of hard booze – you sound liek a complete prick going off about martinis and shit, but you should know some drinks – you can seem smart and easily order something that way. Rum and coke/gin and tonics are great entry level drinks. These can have real high alcohol content, so drink 1 or 2. Avoid dumb fggt named drinks at all costs – this should be obvious.
The best two things you can do are find out your tolerance to alcohol (through slowly drinking) and find out what kind of drunk you are – the more I drink the more mellow/talkative I get – except that one time we got smashed on Mexican homebrew tequila and I ended up cracking a friend’s rib with a cue ball in a sock (sorry A – still feels bad!) Srs – most fights I’ve been in have been with mean drunks… so at least by knowing you are a mean prick when you drink you can stock up on bandages for the next morning!
Last bit of advice and a warning – chicks love to drink. Buying chicks drinks can be a bit of a suckers game, but if you are with a girl, buying a drink is a nice touch. Chicks can definitely loosen up a bit when they drink – so never get more smashed than the chick you’ve got your eye on… too drunk and the ‘beer googles’ effect kicks in – making *any* chick seem smashable.
If people dig this I’ll cover weed next!