Since I’m an ancient fossil, I find myself thinking a lot about stuff like whether my next car should be Lexus SUV or BWM 5-series, that my 15-year high school reunion is coming up this year, and how I should raise my kids. I mean, I don’t actually have any yet, but I hope to have some in the next year or three, and I figure it’s a good idea to start planning my family now.
Naturally, my worst fear is that my kids will get into fggty stuff like art or music instead of sports, business, and other stuff that successful, rich people do. It would crush me if they ended up pursuing the same embarrassing, worthless stuff that all the other losers in my family wasted their lives on, so I thought I would turn to you guys for advice on raising my future children! How can I keep them from turning into betas, losers and outcasts??? Wut do??
I see a few potential ways to handle it:
1) Let them do whatever they want and support them no matter what, as long as they enjoy what they are doing. That sounds good on paper, but we all know kids are stupid and that most teachers are idealistic, liberal pussies who will probably try to talk them into “expressing themselves” instead of relentlessly chasing academic success, building a network of powerful friends, crushing their less-motivated peers and climbing the corporate ladder like I want them to (srs).
2) Demand they get good grades, play sports, join extracurricular activities and forbid them from doing anything creative. On paper, this sounds like a great idea, but kids have a habit of rebelling against whatever their parents are into. For example, my mother is all about organic gardening, spirituality, and community activism, which is why I eat at McDonalds, am an atheist, and try to be aggressively ignorant about politics. So as much as I like the idea of ruling over my kids with an azn-style iron fist, I feel like it would inevitably backfire. Which leads me to what I think is ultimately the best option:
Should I tape my kids’ eyes open and force them to watch Old Skull videos??
3) Force them to be hipster-hardcore artists and activists. From the second they pop out of their mom’s junk, I’ll give them temporary ironic tattoos of pizza, draw on fake mustaches, put little fedoras on them, and instead of buying them Big Wheels to ride around on like all the other kids, they’ll have baby-sized fixies. Their cribs will be custom-made to look like downtown LA loft spaces, and instead of lullabyes I’ll sing heartfelt acoustic versions of Rise Against and Defeater songs to them while I tell them all about how Americans are the REAL terrorists and school is just a way of brainwashing you into feeding the military-industrial-prison complex. This way, when they get to be teenagers and enter their rebellious phase, they’ll lash out at me by taking AP classes, attending Ivy League colleges and becoming investment bankers with happy, stable marriages. Sure, they’ll hate me, but I’ll rest easy knowing that I did my job as a parent.
Wat u think?? How do you raise your children so they don’t grow up to be artists, musicians or otherwise shame and disappoint your family??? Which is worse, finding out that you have a tumor in your balls or that your kid wants to go to art school?????
Well, look around at people who have kids like the ones you want, and copy. Parents who are obsessively encouraging end up with hippies for kids, and parents who abuse their kids end up with kids who like The Exploited. Just do something in the middle. Give them whatever they want, but force them to do manual labor. Exposure to manual labor will also help instill in them a deep hatred of manual labor which will lead to business school.
“Exposure to manual labor will also help instill in them a deep hatred of manual labor which will lead to business school”
strong point– brb making them dig ditches after school and rewarding them with a dixie cup of tap water after an hour
My parents did this and it just made me want to get wasted.
Very true. My dad ran a construction company, and he made me work for him a few summers in high school. I promptly became the pussy-ass liberal writer that you see today.
Wait, maybe that was his trick?
My parents do this. feelsbadman.jpg except that yeah, it is a kickass way to parent.
Also, if I do have kids, those fuckers will be adopted [via having the genes of a Russian peasant].
this actually makes sense based on what i’ve seen. most folks i know that had to do more manual labor as a kid were more motivated towards success as adults.
I am living proof that this is factually incorrect.
No you idiot, he said “Most people I know” as in most of the people HE KNOWS. Everyone is different. If one person can disprove a statement, then I disprove yours- I am living proof that YOUR statement is factually incorrect.
how about you dont cum deep inside a cunt and you wont have to deal with the hell that is having kids. i love my kid but good fucking lord no matter wat i do he does the opposite. if you have kids just make sure the like the acacia strain and they will be fine
i would agree, ” investment bankers with happy, stable marriages” these people DEFINITELY do not exist haha.
I’ve taken a bunch of marriage counseling classes and it just made me think marriage and kids are pretty much a recipe for misery, but at the same time you don’t wanna be “the old guy in da club”
my cousins are this, but yes they are rare– most of those people hate their lives
i just assume any older married guys who actually have money are banging hookers and/or their secretaries?
a coworker of mine is in his late 40′s, never been married, never had kids, lives a bachelor type lifestyle (omega-male style, no relationships with women at all). i used to get drinks with him occasionally, but i had to stop since it became too depressing hearing about how he always wanted a wife and kids. definitely the old guy in da club. i guess we can’t win.
well I’m 33 and 90% of the people i know my age are still single, in 10 years they will probably have “OLD PEOPLE CLUBZ”
just tell him to sown all the money he saved not having a family on hookers. or tell him to move to a third world country where woman will just assume he is rich swarm him.
haha yeah, i think he does frequent tijuana sometimes for this actually. and “old people clubs” is a million dollar idea.
i like the acacia strain (i think half my wardrobe is made up of TAS merch) i am also BROKE, maybe theres a correlation. i am also pretty happy because im intelligent really good looking and i have great friends. so……
y r u me? :(
i hope for your sake you are like me, it would suck not to be this good looking. if you are tho then you have acquired one of my official bro fists
I am literally gorgeous. Bro fist accepted.
abandon them for 15 years in an Ikea
1, but also push them into sports…especially if the kid has talent early on. (many a time have i thought about this too, and am hard-pressed to settle for less than my future son becoming at the very least a starting member of the secondary on his HS football team/second base or shortstop on his HS baseball team.) granted, i made the dumbass decision to quit both things and get into punk, but i still ended up landing a good white-collar job after college. doubt #3 will have much success, IMO.
“i made the dumbass decision to quit both things and get into punk, but i still ended up landing a good white-collar job after college.”
I think we are the same person.
+1
studies have shown that theres basically a 50-50 chance of your kid either going along with what you teach them or rebelling and doing the opposite. so all you can really do is wait till they start to develop a personality and either discipline or encourage.
id refrain from the tiger mom bullshit since every asian-american i know is a basket case/suicidal/total hooker due to low self esteem.
i hope it was clear this post is like 75% sarcasm haha- i know way too many insane azns to ever take that path
my girlfriend is also AZN- I FEEL YOUR PAIN hahaha
Only 100% true Asians can handle that type of pressure, any lazy American blood in them and they will just crumble under the pressure.
Man u rly like commenting on old dead articles
Show them what happens to homeless people in the U.S. via bumfights and bumhunter, and tell them those were the artfags that soulsearched and tried to find purpose instead of studying. Other than that, they’re azn and white, so sounds like your kids are set. Don’t feel too worried, you’ve convinced many metalfags how gay their art, and art in general, is (including me)
Raise bullies to be bullies.
I decided route 4 with my 9 month old son:
Be passive aggressive to the point of lunacy. Yell at him for running in the house one day, then challenge him to a race up and down the hallway the next day. Blame his mom for every bad thing that happens in our collective lives. Focus on my needs and pay the minimum amount of attention to him possible. Then when he’s 22 working at a factory/Walmart and bitches about his life, get all House M.D. style on him and be like “It’s you’re own life, if you wanted to be a successful person you should’ve done it yourself. Quit being a bitchass”
do not do this. be there for your kids unless you want them to be the smashable girls with daddy issues that get talked about on this site.
Someone has to create the next gen of joke fodder!
make sure to spank you kids so they are really into BDSM when they are older.
also leave them alone with any creepy uncles you have to make sure they become strippers/porn actresses.
Some douchebag dad gave me four or five bishes to smash, I have to give back to my community ya know
CONAN, WHAT IS BEST IN LIFE
RELENTLESSLY CHASING ACADEMIC SUCCESS, BUILDING A NETWORK OF POWERFUL FRIENDS, CRHUSHING THE LESS-MOTIVATED PEERS AND CLIMBING THE CORPORATE LADDER
AND HEAR THE LAMENTATION OF THOSE LESS SUCCESSFULL!!!!!!
AND SEE THOSE OF LOWER SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS DRIVEN BEFORE YOU
Srs, lol!
Lol at all of these.
You can rest assured they probably won’t like hardcore since no kid ever likes what their parents are into.
dude, you can’t be hipster without being to the contrary of what your peers listen to
Funny enough my dad is actually the reason i got into punk/hardcore.
Then again, my dad is my hero. He has a kick ass job at an IT director and still listens to metal and hardcore all the time. I want to be that awesome when I get old(er).
I’m at work today even though I feel like shit. Someone asked me why I didn’t stay home and I said “because that’s for pussies.” My dad’s rule was the only reason to stay home from school is if you’re puking (which was probably only his rule because that was also the school’s rule).
At the time, I thought my dad was being a dick, but now I realize what an important lesson that was. When you’re an adult and have a job that doesn’t give you sick days (aka most jobs), you either have to take a vacation day, stay home and not get paid or suck it up.
Last week, I sent my son to school with strep throat (to be fair, he said he felt fine and wanted to go to school). If your little sissy kids get sick too, well then too bad.
fuck! my mom used to be like this all the time. Even If I were bleeding she would fix it and say “now get your ass to the classroom”.
^ This.
I have to be on the verge of death not to go to work. My boss had to make me leave the other day because he said I ‘looked like death.’
Guess he didn’t teach you how to get a good enough job that actually gives sick days.
Well my mom said I could do what made me happy; but my Dad instilled the fact that if I do what makes me happy I will probably end up being a bum and not have any money. That kind of worked because although I was into music and shit in high school, I’m in college now as a Petroleum Engineer. Its all about the balance of your parents conflicting views.
My parents were/are the exact same way. I dropped out of college in 2008, lived at home for two years, and worked shitty part time jobs for one year. Now I’m back in school going for an English degree. Dad’s happy I’m getting my “smart person certification,” and Mom likes that I’m pursuing something at which I’m fairly decent.
Same here, bro! I am in Med-School though.
Glad to see there are people in the same boat brahs.
if you are into hardcore and you have found a woman that actually wants to bare your children, then you are obviously doing something right.
this is true!
Aggressively ignorant is the only way to be with politics. I actually went to school for that bullshit. Feelsbadman.
I’ll tell you what not to do-Get your kid involved in music during elementary school, giving him minimal chores, and letting him ‘enjoy being a kid’. That’s what led me to becoming a music fag who spends all day on the internet and hates other teenagers. Or maybe I’m just a douche, not sure which.
feelsbadman.mp4
Not looking for pity bro.
“try to be aggressively ignorant about politics”
I love that term, and I definitely do that. However there are always the legit. idiots that beat me at ignorance.
Make sure you introduce yourr kid to as many different kinds of OTW people as possible. The diversity is important because hanging out with just one kind runs the risk of turning into wiggers/weeaboos/hare krishnas. It should instill just the right balance of social awareness and appreciation for whiteness.
…Unless you have a mixed race Vin Diesel/Kristen Kreuk baby, then they automaticlly win at life.
my kids will be half-azn (ala Kristen Kruek), their cousins will be half-black, mexi-azn and white. all we need is for someone in our families to knock up an indian girl and we should have all the bases covered.
And then you can summon Captain Planet.
and I can make all the racist jokes I want, because I can play the “my kids aren’t white card.” I did have to laugh at how much race-mixing we have in my family though, I almost feel like it’s one of those super contrived Mormon ads where they make sure to have all the colors of the rainbow (and a kid in a wheelchair).
Winner.
well i guess you super luck out then if ur kids in a wheelchair! yeah! (or has flippers for arms)
As an azn all I can say is, do what you are (semi) good at, but make sure you know how to hustle your skills and trades. I’m fairly decent with art (not that fine artfag type), mainly graphics and multimedia and I basically just studied that, improve on it and get a job. I don’t know how you white folks do it, but here in Asia if you arent working in offices/ business or peddling illegal dvds, hookers, drugs you ain’t going to earn jack. Asia isn’t very kind to liberal artfags and hipster douches.
what part of asia are you in? I was just in Korea, Hong Kong and mainland China– I was stunned/thrilled by the complete lack of hipsters (aside from a few in the Hongdae area of Seoul).
very true, all the asian hipsters are at nyu
Did you catch any Corean punk shows or pass out on the corner next to a chicken kebab cart and get chatted up by a strange homeless dude like I did in Hongdae?
Fuck, good times.
I live in Malaysia, South east asia but have been studying in the Uk for the past couple of years and true the complete lack of hipsters in asia can be attributed to the fact that it simply just doesnt pay to be a hipster, at all. Coming from a “developing” nation, most young people in South East Asia don’t have time for that sorta nonsense and most azn bros here are either a) trying to get into western countries and earn some foreign dough or b) hustling and bustin asses climbing up the social and economic ladder. We do have scene kids here tho, and all of em don’t even look as smashable as our western counterparts…. feelsbadman
This is an easy question, sarge.
Treat them like real people instead of widdle super precious genius smarty special pants unique snowflakes who are ALWAYS right and ALWAYS smart and will ALWAYS be the best best best at everything they touch.
Avoid any kind of punk rock parenting a la “My Kid Will Look So Cool and Then All His Friends Will Think I’m Cool Too Because I’m a Totally Cool Punk Rock Dad And I Totally Don’t Care What Other People Think of Me”
I see, so no matter what they do, I should heap praise and attention on them?? I should instill a sense in them that self-esteem is not dependent on accomplishments or actions, but simply comes with existence?? I like it!
TTLLY!
My favorite is when those people bring up how in third or fourth grade they were the best at being a fucking dinosaur in the school musical about Jurassic Park. Or how they got the highest score on the alphabet test.
REAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS, OKAY. HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR FASCIST, PHALLOCRATIC APPROVAL.
just don’t argue or fight in front of them and lay down some discipline that is reasonable and they will be cool, normal people regardless of what career path they take.
who cares if they get into music anyway? most people realize by their mid-20s that stuff is bogus anyway, unless they’re aristocratic nerdy conservatory musicians. case-in-point!
My worst nightmare!!
classical music nerds are like: (internet metal nerd) + (theater kid) + (liberal arts major) all in one! i’ll send you something about it that will rafflecaptor pretty hard
I think the best thing to do is to instill a strong work ethic with a clear work/reward system. My folks were well off, but didn’t give me SHIT unless I earned it through chores or work. I was working for my moms landscaping business digging holes in the ground in hot ass MPLS summer when I was 12-13 so I could buy magic cards with the money I earned. Encourage them to get a shitty job when they are in high school so they learn early how miserable it is having to get by busing tables or washing dishes.
I agree. My dad makes about 97k a year but he didn’t give me a goddamn thing unless if I worked. I had a full time job at the factory he runs when I was 14 (summer job obviously, but seriously 50 hours a week). I remember one time my mom wrote me a huge check to make up for my dad only getting me socks (srs) for Christmas. His reasoning was “John didn’t do a damn thing all year.”
So basically my mom ruined a vital learning moment in my life, and that’s why I work at Walmart.
Raise your kid like a fggt in hopes that he’ll turn into a bad ass? Sounds awesome, except for one thing:
Now-a-days, betas are the norm; in my day (which im not even thirty) it wasn’t a party unless there was a fight. I can see this child rebelling and instead of becoming ultra alpha, he’s become ultra beta, some how being even more liberal than you’d have raised him.
I’m going to stick to the usual, beating. I’m going to beat my kid, all the time.
I like the way you are thinking about this. Thank you for being the voice of reason!
gtfo my stepdad. go back to being a dick to me and my bros and gambling away the family nest-egg at indian casinos!
gr8 post title, very blunt.
if i ever have kids i’m gonna get really into being a lame dad. i’m gonna learn a bunch of corny dad jokes, wear topsiders and get into carpentry, basically just follow the cues of my favorite TV dads. my dad tried the “cool dad” approach which worked for a while, but now i’m just like “psssh nice iggy pop poster, you fucking beta. lol luv ya! <3"
i am non-ironically stoked on being a normal, boring dad. i already wear topsiders and listen to adam carolla’s home improvement podcast. feelsgoodman.
yeah! your kid doesn’t want you to be cool! embrace your dadness.
My parents just taught me to not be a faggot. Or at least my father; my mother is pretty much whines about fucking everything.
Anyway, my father simply told me to always defend myself and never take shit from people. Everything can be fixed, and everything can be better, but you have to make it better. He never really gave two shits about what I was listening to or who my friends were (even though I do know that he tried to keep me away from shitty influences). Taught me how the world works, and that good intentions in reality don’t mean shit, as if you move by them somebody will come and stomp you. Also taught me to make a shitload of friends and relate to everybody.
Hell, when I ended my over-a-year-long relationship he just told me “Well, that shit lasted for too long. Time to get out there again and show them how it’s done. Don’t be a pussy.”.
Sure, I still love my music and I am listening to Devin Townsend right now, but I am also in Med-School, have good grades, a bunch of friends, exercise regularly and know better than to talk to anyone other than close friends about the nerdy shit I like.
Two words: cybernetic implants
This post makes me want to watch Heathers for that part, “I love my dead gay son!”.
You have nothing to wrry about.
Your kids will see you , see what a giant internet faggot you are and steer clear of anything remotely artistic.
as long as they learn from my seemingly endless mistakes, it’s all good
They will also hate you for mixing their blood and turning them into half breeds, so you can look forward to that discussion, probably around grade 9
lolz hahahaha at both comments!
So many comments, not reading any of them.
Just guide them in the right direction, try to get them into sports at a young age and get them to really enjoy it, make sure they focus on school and instill high values into good grades so they aren’t dumbasses. They’ll probably make mistakes, but overall end with an actual job making money instead of living in your basement waiting for their art project to take off.
Also, prepare for a gay son, not like there’s anything wrong with that.
If my son was gay I would beat it out of him.
wow Tracy Morgan posts here under an alias, sweet!
I didn’t think it was that funny.
I just spent 15mins reading all of those comments…. You have a very interesting question Sarge, but I guess with anything in life I would teach him (one boy only) to work smart not hard. Working hard is for the rebel kid in class who thought it was more important to make kids laugh than learn..
I say that cause I wanted the kids to like me ha!
I would teach him (one boy only) to work smart not hard. Working hard is for the rebel kid in class who thought it was more important to make kids laugh than learn..
Best advice in the entire thread. Working hard is for chumps.
Sarge this was the funniest post ever AND the most insightful!! Seriously your posts keep getting better love it dude!
Thanks bro!
“ince I’m an ancient fossil, I find myself thinking a lot about stuff like whether my next car should be Lexus SUV or BWM 5-series, that my 15-year high school reunion is coming up this year, and how I should raise my kids.”
I read as far as that last sentence, then I scrolled back up to check the “by Sergeant D” and then I just fell on the fucking floor and started screaming. Like, full on howling like a chimpanzee on fire.
I read the rest and calmed down a bit, but by then it was too late and I’d been signed by Relapse
i love hard work.im 21 im from gary indana i still live here im a piercer its a rather easy job i make about 200$ a day=6000 or more a month . but i sit in this place all day and i hate it. id much rather be out in a factory or doing constuction sweating my dick off.
my parents well my mom would randomly leave for months at a time and my dad was a crazy violent racist alcohlic drug addict.i moved out when i was 16 i made my own path cause none of that made any sense to me.
punk rock child=ultimate punk rock accessory