Once upon a time, I was a militant straight edge warrior who loved fingerpointing and singing along to songs about being a positive youth, breaking down the walls, and how we were better than everybody else because we were vegan. These days I drink too much, take whatever drugs I can get my hands on, and eat at McDonalds. Even though I’m the world’s biggest sellout and I think everything I believed in when I was a kid is complete bullshit, I still love singing along to the same songs I did when I was 14… only now I am usually wasted, and I can’t finish singing the chorus because I start laughing halfway through.
Here’s a couple of my favorite lulzy sxe anthems, please share yours!
EARTH CRISIS “Stand By”
I seriously love EC but this EP is a lolfactory, as well as being the record that kicked off the “X VEGAN JUSTICE X” era of hardcore. When I first got this record I was like 13 or 14 (and therefore a retard), but even then I knew how hilarious it was for a bunch of skinny 19 year-olds from Syracuse to say stuff like “if you refuse to change then you’re guilty and must be destroyed.” My friend and I seriously laughed for like 10 minutes straight when we heard the bit at the end that goes “For the fetus, for the cat, for the cow, for the rat. For innocent victims we will attack, we will attack, we will attack.” Also, I love how all the song titles could also be the names of Captain Planet episodes (“Eco-cide”).
Oh, and a couple years ago Guav gave me the original sketch he did for the cover of this record, but I promptly lost it :(
CRIPPLED YOUTH “Walk Tall, Walk Straight”
Before Bold was Bold, they were a bunch of 12 year olds who called themselves Crippled Youth and tried really hard to be Youth of Today. The results are as amazing as you might guess, and this might be the single most unintentionally hilarious hardcore record ever. There’s nothing like hearing a 6th grader do his best Ray Cappo impression while busting out lyrics like “See these Xs on my hand / It’s not to be cool it’s who I am / You can wear these Xs too when you’re in control and in command!” See also their hits “Positive Scene” and “K-Town Mosh Crew.”
BOLD “Nailed To The X”
The kids in Crippled Youth got a few years older, changed their named to Bold, and kept trying to be Youth Of Today. You’d think that since they weren’t 12 anymore they would have progressed at least a little, but as you can tell from this song, not so much… I especially love their super non-confrontational, vaguely positive song titles like “Always Try.” “Give it your best shot, but hey, if you can’t quite pull it off that’s OK too! Don’t beat yourself up, man!” Also, somehow they managed to have even worse production on their LP than on the Crippled Youth 7″.
7 SECONDS “Straight On”
First of all, Troy Mowat might be the single worst drummer in hardcore; I swear to fuck he doesn’t play a single fill or hit any cymbal but his hi-hat on this entire album (not even exaggerating). Also, the lyrics to this song sound like the kind of thing you hear from college freshman girls who grew up in super Christian families who wouldn’t let them watch Goosebumps because it promotes witchcraft and ‘New Age ways of thinking’: “Thumbs down to all those drugs you need, ‘Cos I’ll just stay high naturally.” And then there is “I hate the way it fuckin’ smells / I hate the way it makes me feel,” which might as well be the Facebook status of one of those girls the morning of their first hangover (courtesy of three cans of Keystone Light).
STRAIGHT YOUTH “Together We Can Do It” EP
This is a joke record, but listen to it on shuffle with Crippled Youth and Bold songs and see if you can tell which is which! It’s hard to choose just one song on this record, but “Positive Stand” made me laugh so hard I cried the first time I heard it. A classic!
YOUTH OF TODAY “Youth Of Today”
Once again, I challenge you to tell the difference between this and Straight Youth. I can only imagine how confused the LES street kids huffing glue outside Agnostic Front shows were when YOT started playing CBGBs and they heard lines like “Physically strong / Morally straight / Positive youth / We’re the youth of today!” I want to interview Ray and ask him, “So how is it going as far as kicking down the barriers of hate and fuckin’ prejudice??”
This is a video of Ray Cappo doing yoga next to a fountain by the side of the road in Burbank or something. I didn’t know where else to post it. Makes me want to hide under a rock.
SLAPSHOT “In Your Face”
I always complaining about how I don’t understand why Kids These Days don’t jock some older hardcore bands. You don’t hear many kids talking about Slapshot these days, but in this case I get it: they are fucking awful. This song is really bad, but it does have one of the most hilarious lines ever: “Don’t smoke in my face / Or you’ll get the straightedge in your face.” Excuse my, but your straightedge is in my face, could you just scoot over a bit, I’m having a hard time seeing the screen.
STATEMENT “Prepare For Battle”
Depending on who you ask, these guys were something close to the first Hardline band. I think they’re kind of awesome because they sound like some super kvlt thrash band from Ecuador whose ultra-obscure demo goes for a king’s ransom on eBay, but their lyrics are about murdering hunters and people who wear fur. I guess it’s not as funny as I remembered, but I’ll include it here so younger kids can see that there was once a time where lyrics about killing hunters were trendy… hardcore is weird.
EARTH CRISIS “Forged In The Flames”
I’m sorry to include two ExC songs (having two songs by the same band = the worst mixtape faux pas), but with lines like “A knight unyielding / To the X I’m crucified,” how could I pass this one up?! The whole “sxe knight defending his people against the evil hordes of drugs/alcohol/punk rock” thing is so amazingly nerdy and embarrassing that it approaches Iced Earth levels of lulziness. I mean, would “Convictions, tried and tested, onto a razor’s edge, that’s true and real / Wrought between the hammer and the anvil, strengthened to never break” be out of place in a Manowar or Gamma Ray song?? Mindbottling.
What sxe anthem makes you laugh hardest?? Is there anything Anyone have a link to that Extent comp with the FORT KNOX song on it???? Please aware me to newer sxe songs that will make me laugh!
how is “true til death” not on here?
Are the guys in EC still sXe vegan? It would be absolutely wonderful if any of them weren’t and we could confirm it.
I imagine everyone in the current lineup still is. But some of the past members definitely aren’t. (i.e. Kris Wiechmann)
Will always love ExC. Last album was boring as fuck. But classics are classics…complete with terrible edge lyrics about “striving to attain higher levels of purity.”
LOL, one of my favorites,” Fuck all those who bent the straight edge with their fucking lies.”
Strife – “To an End”: “Because I stand in this defiance I wear the mark of those Who choose to refuse self-destructive points of view”
wait, what?
Floorpunch – “Perserve “Remember when we saw eye to eye? Bound by the oath until the day we fuckin die I thought these chains would never break We outlasted all the weak and the fake As time went on, we saw less of one another I couldn’t understand what happened to my brother Then that day finally fucking came You lost the edge, but I’ll never change You said you’d never fucking change!”
then became bunch of edgebreakers, lol.
But prolly the lulziest to me is Trial’s cover of “Crucified” (and I do love Trial) “Crucified for your sins / Straight-edge warrior on a cross” ARE YOU FUCKING SRS?
Gregg bennick might be the most sincere person on the planet
Oh shit I’m slipping. Punx, Lulzy Straight Edge, Trial, Sgt. D from Seattle. This calls for a post on the Pacific Northwest’s greatest contribution to hardcore music & culture; THE EDGE OF QUARREL.
Killing Brain Cells-By Earth Crisis is pretty damn lolzy. All those are hilarious but Killing Brain Cells was released by EC when they were “established” and had a career. Mega lolz at their attempt to be like Limp Bizkit and Papa Roach
“Oh, and a couple years ago Guav gave me the original sketch he did for the cover of this record, but I promptly lost it :(”
As an unabashed art fag, this is unforgivable! Shame.
I was never an sXe vegan warrior (I didn’t do drugs or drink in high school because I was lame and unpopular, not because I wanted to be a part of some gay self-righteous club), so i never ventured into that passed entry level shit like Earth Crisis.
“Is there anything Anyone have a link to that Extent comp with the FORT KNOX song on it???? Please aware me to”
You know what I find REALLY “lulzy” sarge, is your unexplained decline into ESL-dom in that last paragraph.
Hands down, the 1st, and most unintentionally funny sXe song is Jonathan Richman/Modern Lovers “I’m Straight” from 1974. I heard it on KUSF or KALX in 1981 but played @ the wrong speed (33rpm instead of 45 for all you who’ve grown up in the compact-disc era) so it was like 8 min. long or something. Crucial Youth covered it for a b-side at one point.
Holy crap, it even has a gang chant at the end! THESE GUYZ ARE THE FOUNTAINHEAD THROUGH WHICH ALL SXE MOSH FLOWS!!!
Haha i guess i forgot to finish writing that last paragraph before posting this
Richman was simultaneously an influence on Emo Faggario’s to come as well. Nerf Herder had a song about him on their excellent 1st album.
Path of Resistance or Manowar, you decide:
“Fortune favors the daring, strong enough to live by this oath
Clear minds prepared to fight, in a caustic age where mad men rule
And substance servitude is law, the courageous few have clawed their way to the light”
Totally EPIC bro (for a bunch of well-off upstate NY suburbanite hook-nose’s). Oh yeah! And as for Karl & his mandana, fuck that dude.
Not for the lyrics, but the X’ing up at the beginning of the leaving song vid by AFI annoys the fuck out of me or has me in fits of giggles – depending on my mood.
Everything xFight Everyonex released
SxE here, and you can’t tell me that the lyrics of Straight Edge by Ian and company aren’t lulzy, sxe was funny since its inception.
Pretty much any band called xinsertbandnameberx, apart from xchorus of disapprovalx who still give me goosebumps.
So drink/drugs are bad but violence toward you fellow man is alright?
Yes, and also bigotry is bad but hating things you’ve never tried or experienced is ok
Brb missing the point of this post/blog
Brb getting really srs instead of laughing along with everyone else
i am opposed to hurting others. Ooops, i meant to say that anonymously.
how did Project X – Straight Edge Revenge not top this list? lulziest edge anthem ever imo
“I’m as straight as the line that you sniff up your nose
I’m as hard as the booze that you swill down your throat
I’m as bad as the shit you breath into your lungs
And I’ll fuck you up as fast as the pill on your tongue
STRAIGHT EDGE REVENGE”
Project x is getting their own post– they deserve more than just a mention!
ohhh shiiiit looking forward to that ahaha
the thing about Project X, is that the members have admitted that they were being purposely over the top on purpose. so it’s kind of hard to clown them for being “so srs” when they’re self aware about it.
thx for saying exactly what i did a few comments earlier, brah
I was really into straight edge between the ages of 12 and 21. 1997 was when the “posi-revival” thing really blew up and my 13 year old brain fell in love.
Some of my favorites:
Ten Yard Fight-Proud to be Straight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWsizVE6dUg
Chain of Strength- True Till Death: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdo5E8v9vXo
Up Front- All of Me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njJ5tHMO0vw
“Has the edge gone dull?” Yeah, pretty much.
PROUD TO BE STRAIGHT!
has got to be the best anti-gay song ever
fags are sick, i love that song
Lol was just gonna post dance floor justice
Once in high school we had to do an essay on whatever we wanted and I did it on Pit of Equality by Ten Yard Fight and I got the best grade in the year (srs).
Some of my favorites from when I was 13-15:
Ten Yard Fight- Proud to be Straight
Chain of Strength- True Till Death
Up Front – All of Me
Wide Awake – Wide Awake
Unapologetically love all this stuff. Always will.
I hope it is clear that’s the point of this post– so disappointed with myself :(
LOL totally clear. I was just confessing.
I drink fruity vodka drinks inbetween chanting Earth Crisis lyrics and I am not ashamed. You hear me world?
This post is awesome.
The only thing missing is my favorite sXe band evar: JUDGE
A BEER, A JOINT LIKE A GUN AT YOUR HEAD
THE PRICE THAT YOU PAY IS THE BLOOD THAT YOU BLED
THE NEEDLE, THE TRACK MARK, YOU’RE SCARRED FOR LIFE
YOU’RE WEAK AND YOU’RE HURT, AND YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THIS FIGHT
BECAUSE YOU DRINK IT AND YOU SMOKE IT AND YOU SAY YOU FEEL FINE
AND YOU SNORT IT AND YOU SHOOT IT AND NOW IT’S MELTED YOUR MIND
I’M BRINGIN’ IT DOWN, THIS HAMMER I’VE GOT
THIS IGNORANCE HAS GOT TO BE STOPPED
I’M BRINGIN’ IT DOWN, THE HAMMER’S ME AND YOU
STAY OFF THE TRACKS ‘CAUSE JUDGE IS COMING THROUGH
i definitely thought about including them, but I don’t know how it could have topped what is easily one of the best SYWH posts of all time: http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/2009/12/scene-girl-reviews-judge-new-york-crew-7/
I’m sorry, but that “Stand By” song is the audio equivalent of being forced to eat garbage…or vegan bakesale items come to think of it.
“sxe Dad” by WISDOM IN CHAINS.
I actually really like the song and the band but it’s a funny title.
Is this whole SxE is purely an american thing? In England i’d never heard of it before coming to this site. It all sounds very fggty.
But i wanna get it straight (no pun intended), do SxE bands not have any fun at all? (i.e getting really drunk/eating meat?)
There is straight edge in the UK, its just no where near as big as it is in america. I’m guessing you aren’t into hardcore/don’t go to shows as you would of met someone who is straight edge from here. Straight edge kids also sometimes eat meat, its vegans/vegetarians that don’t.
Sxe bands are great to listen to in the gym, just as they’re great to listen to as you walk into a pub hearing lyrics about “killing braincells” or “killing anyone with a beer in their hand”.
Jud Jud
best XbandX ever. funny thing about them is that they used to call each other to practice cuz they didn’t live in the same city.
ONE KING DOWN
hey bro dont mention OKD, God Loves Man Kills is awesome album! the rob fusco material isnt though.
Wait, what? No!
Rob Fusco OKD is the only OKD.
^BACKED!!
+2
Painful to re-live this :) Sad thing is i was straight edge in college. And vegan and animal rights. What did fun do to earn my scorn :(
I don’t know any 90′s Hardcore dudes who aren’t totally bitter about their misspent youth. I’m sure the American Psychological Association will publish a white paper on this phenomenon soon.
i hope so, i want to understand. being 39, it has affected me in the following ways…fuck it holmes. lets get fucked up.
Lolololol, these were pretty lulzy. I guess there’s a reason I have never even considered writing a song about how drunk I am not.
This whole thing was so ludicrous to me as a teenager that I couldn’t even put the silliness aside to enjoy the music. I grew up knowing a lot of commercial fishermen and serious hunters in south Louisiana and they’re all about fifty times as crazy, tough and well versed in weapons as the most militant ALF jerkoff. I still get a chuckle out of that Exit-13 song Open Season as I imagine Yurkiewicz attempting to pull off what he says on some batshit Pennsyltucky rednecks.
Hey Sarge do you have any intel on some “legendary” 90′s sxe band that always had members who basicly were fake sXe?
I remember reading about this in some oldfags blog or zine around 04 or 05, the guys in the band got caught like drinking and they said this epic line on some interview”Straight Edge doesnt mean never” or something like that. I just remember them being very notirious like chain of strength or something similar.
ha! other than Integrity, no– I never really gave a fuck about who “sold out” or whatever and none of the people I hung out with did either
that particular blow up was indeed CoS. There’s a reprint of the lulzy interview w/ Curtis here:
http://bareboneshardcore.blogspot.com/2005/03/interview-chain-of-strength.html
Edgers are miserly bastards. You can always spot them at gigs – if they’re not x’ed up – because they haven’t got a drink in her hand and I’m referring to orange juice or coke/pepsi/monster here.
Case in point. I went to see Gang Green a few years ago and there was a crew there made up of people that used to act like dicks and cause trouble whenever there was a hc or metal gig. OK, they were a lot older and, but to a man none of them bought one single drink all night. As for me, I buddied up with the guitarist from Jerrys Kids and we bought each other a few beers…now that’s hardcore.
Sergeant, you seriously were straight edge?!?!? that’s hard to imagine hahaha
I’m glad that never got to me.
Were Throwdown a joke sXe band or were they for real? Either way, the “STRAIGHT FUCKIN EDGE” bit in Forever hits hard as fuck, and Raise Your Fist (with it’s “Drug Free” chant) is lulzy as shit.
they were like Project X– legit sxe dudes, but had fun with it
Someone should do a Christian abstinence remake….. “Raise Your Fist In The Air Sex Free”
Not all sellouts are disrespectful like you are, some (like Curtis from Chain of Strength who sang “True till DEATH” with us recently) is a really nice guy. Do you feel like some sort of a big shot for taking shots at bands?
Ten Yard Fight is a great band, and while not everyone in the band is still straight edge, at least they SOUND like hardcore and not a metal band.
Floorpunch is also a great band, heavy mosh, gigantic riffs, huge crunch, just a big sound. They are also not all straight edge anymore but who cares? They are positive.
You can always tell who the people are who are dedicated and who are the people who are fly by night. You won’t be here next year, we will.
“Time goes by, we still stand tall
You turn your back, make us feel small
We’ll stay strong, don’t you forget
It’s not a gamble, it’s a sure thing.”
XXX
NO DRUGS. NO ALCOHOL. NO SEXUAL PROMISCUITY. NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
XXX
You really don’t get this site do you?
XXX
guise it’s totally the real tim mcmahon!!!
I saw that. I was just listening to Mouthpiece the other day on Spotify. It’s how I learned about a terrible rapper named Mouthpiece and what seems to be a Christian Rock Band with that name as well.
I used to listen to a lot Mouthpiece, and SxE HxC in general, while drinking. It’s just so much fun to get drunk and sing along to.
What band are you in? I just need to make sure I don’t listen to your music.
Floorpunch: “not all straight edge anymore but who cares? They are positive”
Given the lyrical content outside of gambling, crewshit, and overeating, was all about “true til death” nonsense, they are a lolzfest when they decide to play out anymore, which makes me care. On a FP-related note, shouldn’t gambling be a no-no for edgefolks? It can lead to an addiction and is merely another way the man keeps you in his clutches.
^yeah. plus its fun :(
What an accomplishment.
Watched a very, very drunk and high living room moshpit break out to Abnegation’s “When the Smoke Clears” not more than two weeks ago. I never thought I would get to share that story with a human being that wasn’t present, but it felt appropriate here.
It’s worth noting that a lot of things sincerely got broken in the process–it was glass and furniture mostly, in the true spirit of being very, very drunk.
THIS BLOG IS A SAFE SPACE // BACKED
Ladies and Gents, I present to you, xTYRANTx – xdeviantx [so edge that even the song title had to be enclosed in x's]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8-fa6TtYRY&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL152C50FFE84CFA39
You have to wait for the pay-off, but SPOILERS, one of the illest breakdowns ever, then “I KILL FOR STRAIGHT EDGE.” Edge or not; u r fucking moshing.
People with face tats telling you how to live your life= never not funny.
loved that the video that came on after this was xGUMBYx “Kill Everyone”
those guys rule
Love xTyrantx!
GhostxShip is the newest lulzy sxe band to come around. Complete with Earth Crisis worship and being from Syracuse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aadmG5-k3w
xBishopx and Casey Jones also deserve a mention.
That was a poignant observation about the Manowar/Iced earth comparisons tha tothers also noted. Makes me look at hardcore and edge in a whole different light. Edge sounds like playing a roll-the-dice RPG and the character you are playing is….yourself.
I am fairly sure the dude who wrote “Stand By” and sang in Framework was/is a D & D enthusiast. He also wrote a science fiction/fantasy novel.
http://www.amazon.com/North-American-Primates-Shane-Durgee/dp/0615296858/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1262480229&sr=1-1
Wow, fascinating! Now, I have absolutely no background or education in psychology, but the product description so clearly reflects youthful obsession with a fringe scene (edge) it’s not even funny:
“…a life-altering encounter with a mysterious beast…….an obsession that leads him to an eccentric cast of characters, from teenage pariahs to brainwashed cultists,…”
The Crippled Youth record rules! He sounds like he’s 10 years old. That record smokes Bold’s entire career.
true fact- i seriously love it
You forgot the Slapshot straightedge militant marching chant!
xBishopx is my fucking jam too. Also, one of my friends showed me a militant vegan/SXE/white power band from like Minnesota. Best part is they’re fucking melodic death metal. Like, Slaugher Of The Soulcore.
Have you heard of Deadlock? Sxe vegan melodeath from Germany with a Female singer plus random techno & classical interludes. Also one song conatins a jazz sax solo and another ends in 3 mins of gangsta rap but with animal rights lyrics. I love the epic madness of it all.
That is the single funniest comment on the internet ever!
And all you’re doing is describing something that ACTUALLY EXISTS.
I think all lifestyle choices should become militant hardcore subgenres. For example I enjoy reading novels. Time to start motherfucking bookcore bitches. Here’s some lyrics I wrote.. “I am true to death/I will never turn away from science fiction and alternate history/If you lose my bookmark you’re guilty and must be destroyed/I am crucified to the library”.
I support this 100%. In college we used to joke about doing this. Militant HArdcore about food would be awesome. Tacocore. xTACOx. “I am true to the taco/how could you fill that shell with korean beef/you will choke on your corn wrapped lies”
Or if anyone wants to join my Law and Order SVU themed hardcore band xGET THE PERPX.
Check out a band from Minnesota called In Defence. They already beat you to the taco idea.
used to love being the only drunk teenager in the front row at an sxe show.
totally back your thoughts on the earth crisis ep sarge. the captain planet joke was hilarious.
Although it’s not a new song, Ceremony covering Straight Edge Revenge with Davey Havok singing is complete lolfactory and worth mentioning. Srsly. The least intimidating dude in the world singing about effing someone while his eyeliner is running.
Effing someone up, rather.
CRUCIAL YOUTH.
this is by far the lulziest straight edge song ever written http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=Xr8UOtId7rE
I once called myself straight-edge too, just glad I never got it tattooed on me.
But srsly, Start Today had to have been my anthem album. I was so posi about my life choice that hardline kids used to pick fights with me and all I could think was “Hey Strife is one of my favorite bands (still is), shouldn’t we be friends?”
But reading this made my night, oh the memories.