WHITE KNIGHT CHRONICLES: Millionaires edition

About 10 years ago, one of my best friends came out to me. It seemed like it was hard for him, which is totally understandable because I’m sure that’s a really tough thing to do. Of course, I couldn’t care less if he likes to suck dick, so I just shrugged and thought to myself, “Hm, I guess I should have seen this coming- he’s a huge fan of the B52s, collects 50s furniture, and listens to showtunes.” Other than that, I never really thought much about it, because who cares?

I’m not into the homosex myself, but if you want to 69 with other dudes that’s cool with me [via being a super open-minded white person]. It’s not my thing, but if you’re a gay dude and you want to walk around in drag and talk like a sassy bitch, go for it. What I find fucking disgusting is when straight dudes act like heterosexual, middle-aged women. Case in point, this photo: apparently some Millionaires fanboy sent this necklace to Melissa, along with this note. The whole thing is so disgusting I had to tape a piece of paper over my monitor to cover it up while I type this.

Much like that Austin Carlile fanboi who reblogs pictures of food, sappy handwritten sayings and dresses, this is the absolute most revolting, beta behavior possible. There’s nothing beta about being an actual homo (what’s more alpha than fucking other dudes in the asshole??!), but it makes my fucking skin crawl to see a straight guy in his 20s act like a fat white woman who reads romance novels by the fire at Panera while guzzling bread bowls of broccoli cheddar soup.

PROTIP: DISREGARD RYAN GOSLING MOVIES, ACQUIRE SELF-CONFIDENCE

About Sergeant D

I was like yeah ok whatever
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38 Responses to WHITE KNIGHT CHRONICLES: Millionaires edition

  1. Save Parker says:

    I’d expect Austin Carlisle to get a note like that from some illegal teenager, but for a dude to do it is pretty sad. “(what’s more alpha than fucking other dudes in the asshole??!)” is highly quotable and I will be using it.

    Also stoked fanboy is starting to be common usage.

  2. XheartburnX says:

    Hasn’t fanboy always been common?

    I’m intrigued by this white knight. I wonder what his deal is.

    Juicy is fucking tacky. Not for wifeables.

  3. Mmmm, nothing says confident and sexy like the phrase “please call me.”

  4. Throbbing Cock says:

    This is horrible. I mean he can’t even reasonably expect a bj from her like a normal dude.
    I was perusing Melissa’s facebook page for more examples, and I found this gem:
    “John Facemire:
    Hey just asking how am I supposed to get ahold of u to hang or party or drink at a concert or some were please tell me when u can I love u and don’t ever want to stop loving u and I love the millionaires ♥ DGAF till we die and I love ur music please lut me know so when I come and see u girls i know how to lut u know im there so when i bring the vodka and stuff u will know please xoxo please awnser this somtime please”

    I just don’t understand how people can be so into the Millionaires and they music. Don’t they see through the gimmick? So recipe for a rabid (but small) fan base is be decent looking females, sing about drinking and getting banged, have an online persona the falls in line with the subject matter of your songs, put giant bow in hair, and have parents pay for it all.

  5. jake says:

    LOVE that top graphic.

  6. XheartburnX says:

    316 appears to be a Wichita area code which explains a lot.

  7. LeandroS says:

    I bet that as a fucking bitch that she is, she’s just said “thanks” and fucking moved one.

  8. Anonymous says:

    FUCK yall I want broccoli cheddar soup

  9. HERMAN says:

    lol @ “guzzling bread bowls of broccoli cheddar soup”

    the fucking bread bowl…i will never understand it.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I don’t know much about these Millionaires people, but wouldn’t sending them a note telling them to get you stuff make them want to fuck you more than sending stuff to them?

  11. Keka says:

    Oh sweet christ. You know that if he’s this attatched to her having never, ever met her, he’s almost certainly a psycho.

    AVOID HIS BASEMENT AT ALL COSTS.

    • comstashe says:

      basement? if he lives with his parents, maybe

      sending gifts to facebook celebrities is the mark of one with the means for a DUNGEON

  12. jm6g90 says:

    Inb4 she stops finding his behaviour sweet and amusing and starts thinking it’s creepy and stalkery

    • Sergeant D says:

      she’s a pretty advanced-level slut so i’m sure she views it mostly as a sign that her personal branding campaign is a success, and has zero emotional reaction to it one way or the other

  13. VyceVictus says:

    I haven’t seen Drive; how was it?
    I heard that people got pissed because it was so boring, though that’s understandable since it was marketed as an indie Fast & Furious when its actually an art house movie. Its from the same guy who made Valhalla Rising…..imagine if an artsy film fggt a la Rob Soucy made a fan interpretation of “Pathfinder” with a digital handeheld, creepy euro actors, and a briefcase full of LSD blotters and NOTHING HAPPENS.

    …I hope there’s another SYWH goes to the movies piece soon.

    But yeah, Bryce is totally a creeper rape dungeon-master name. Lol’d hard at “cornholing dudes is alpha”.

  14. suchjosh says:

    2-1/2″ french manicure tips = the #1 sign of an advanced level slut.

  15. Manuwar says:

    Dat feel when someone says i look like ryan gosling :(

  16. Salvador says:

    In local news a man was seen wearing scene celebrity Melissa of the Millionaires’ skin and running down the street screaming “PARTY LIKE A MILLIONAIRE!!!”

  17. Darkchriz says:

    HIp hop community has a similar term.. its called simping

    http://hypebeast.com/forums/off-topic/that-feeling-3075962/ enjoy lmaoaoa

  18. Fred Durst says:

    The least you could do is give that poor knight some nudes…

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