Black Metal in Tropical Countries = Never Not Funny

I just love it when kids from tropical countries try to emulate certain subcultures that originated from temperate countries like black metal (via singing about frost-bitten kingdoms and long walks in the dark forest on cold winter nights). Now, I’m not some elitist black metal nerd who wants to keep black metal within the borders of Scandinavia, heck I’m Azn who has never been to Yurp, but just imagine a bunch of sweaty dudes in corpse paint wearing tacky leather jacket, pants, and heavy boots in a small dimly lit venue with an audience of about ten kids wearing the same outfit and are just as sweaty. The mental image alone is silly. Just like how some hipster kids wear keffiyeh scarves on a scorching 40-degree Celsius (104 F) weather, the lulz generated from it is definitely undeniable.

This parody black metal band called Baathis (I think it’s just a solo-project) from the Philippines just about sums up how every black metal kid in the tropics struggles at staying trve and kvlt despite the adversarial corpse-paint-melting climate and weather. Baathis just gets it. It’s so good not to share that I took the liberty of translating it from its original Tagalog lyrics into English. I think my translation didn’t do it ANY justice at all, but you get the idea. I had to listen to the song second by second too since I couldn’t find any lyrics posted anywhere online (couldn’t get anymoar kvlt-er than that) so I might’ve heard some of teh references incorrectly but I’m pretty sure about 95% of it.

I’m just glad parody bands like this exist to remind people not to take themselves way too seriously. This is definitely on loop in my playlist.

ANG BLACK METAL AY HINDI BIRO (BLACK METAL IS NOT A JOKE)

LYRICS:

Ang black metal ay hindi biro
Di dapat ito gawin ng kung sinu-sino
Kailangan ng dedikasyon, kailangan mag pursigido
Di angkop sa klima’t panahon ng Pinas ang kulturang ito
[Black metal is not a joke
It shouldn’t be done by just anyone
You need dedication, you need to persevere
This culture isn’t suitable in the Philippines’ climate and weather]

Nais ko talagang maging trve at kvlt na black metal
Mga idol ko kasi, Burzum, Darkthrone at Immortal!
Nais ko talagang maging trve at kvlt na black metal
Mga idol ko kasi, Mayhem, Emperor at Immortal!
[I really want to be a trve and kvlt black metal
‘Cuz my idols are Burzum, Darkthrone, and Immortal
I really want to be a trve and kvlt black metal
‘Cuz my idols are Mayhem, Emperor, and Immortal!]

Kahit walang winter sa Pinas
Madilim at malamig parin ang puso koooooooo
[Even though there’s no winter in the Philippines
My heart is still just as cold and dark]

Kaya meron akong corpse paint sa mukha
Para magpatunay na ako ay masama
Pero mahirap pag dating ng summer
Pag pinagpawisan kailangan mag retouch sa banyo
Minsan medyo hassle, pero effort lang chong
Kung hindi 100%, then you’re doing it wronggggg
[That’s why I have corpse paint on my face
To prove that I’m really evil
But it gets difficult during summer
Whenever you get sweaty, you have to retouch in the bathroom
Sometimes it’s a hassle, but you just have to put some effort dude
If it’s not 100%, then you’re doing it wrong!]

Ang black metal ay hindi biro
Di dapat ito gawin ng kung sinu-sino
Kailangan ng dedikasyon, kailangan mag pursigido
Di angkop sa klima’t panahon ng Pinas ang kulturang ito
[Black metal is not a joke
It shouldn’t be done by just anyone
You need dedication, you need to persevere
This culture isn’t appropriate in the Philippines’ climate and weather]

Nais ko talagang maging trve at kvlt na black metal
Mga idol ko kasi, Gorgoroth, Mordum at Immortal!
Nais ko talagang maging trve at kvlt na black metal
Mga idol ko kasi, Satyricon, Mordecai at Immortal!
[I really want to be a trve and kvlt black metal
‘Cuz my idols are Gorgoroth, Mordum, and Immortal!
I really want to be a trve and kvlt black metal
‘Cuz my idols are Satyricon, Mordecai, and Immortal!]

Sinubukan kong sunugin ang simbahan sa may kanto
Tulad ni Grishnackh–sa youtube napanood ko
Ngunit ang aming simbahan ay yari sa semento
Sabay umulan, namatay lang ang posporo
[I tried burning the church down the corner of the street
Just like Grishnackh—I saw it on Youtube
But our church was made of cement
Coupled with rain, my matchstick just died. :( ]

Check out Baathis on Facebook and show some trve kvlt black metal luv.

 

P.S. If you know any other parody black metal bands, hit me up in my tumblr.

About Kumichou

I live in an island called Japan.
This entry was posted in awesome shit, butthurt, cool stuff, doesn't compute, Haterbaiting and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

70 Responses to Black Metal in Tropical Countries = Never Not Funny

  1. maverick says:

    I fuckin love Filipinos. Greatest people in the world.

  2. paul mudd says:

    terrible post?

  3. LeandroS says:

    I’m speechless.

  4. Void Eater says:

    Parody bands=never funny. Generally the humor is subpar and the music is usually pretty awful. Plus, making fun of “trve kvlt” black metal is way overdone, and not all that funny seeing as it’s an incredibly small amount of people that actually have the mythical “trve kvlt” mindset. Nothin personal against you bro.

  5. dza says:

    arent most of the countries where people wear keffiyehs hot as fuck? like the middle east and cambodia (via khmer rouge)? are hezbollah bros hipsters?

    • nustej says:

      Trickle-down Keffiyeh-douche’-ism:
      Hezbollah-douche’ (cultural-political)
      Student-activist-douche’ (political)
      Hipster-douche’ (want BJ)

      It’s great how a tablecloth can mean so many different things to soooo many people*

      *(people being a relative term, as in fact anyone who wears a tablecloth is most likely untermensch)

      • Sergeant D says:

        Raeg @ all of the above douchelords

      • anon says:

        uh people here in germany (and the rest of europe) wear these all the time, and theyre not really called keffiyehs, more like scarves (just a different style of scarf). youd be stupid not to wear them in the winter. but you wont see anybody wearing them in the summer

        ive also noticed that a lot of “hipster” fashion in the usa is just regular european fashion. my boss wears brightly coloured skinny jeans, tight shirts and horn rimmed glasses. hes 40.

        roflmao @ silly americans and the cultural differences an ocean makes

    • Kumichou says:

      But they’re wearing that because IF THEY DON’T, they’ll get beaten up or something. . .

      Douchebags in relatively “democratic” countries wear that for fashion…and they’d prolly get beaten up FOR WEARING kiffiyehs.

  6. nustej says:

    Hmmmmm…..parody Black-Metal bands? 24-7 Spy’z, Living Colour, Stone Vengeance, God Forbid, Mystifier, Mcrad, Hirax, Oceano, Suffocation. I enforce a strict “one-drop rule” when it comes to Black-Metal.

    Lulllzy Pinoy-metal, c’mon…..DEATH ANGEL!!! And their even worse Flip-Hop/Funk-Metal incarnation the Organization, troo-ghey x1,000,000,000.

    D best S.E.A. BM band: Impiety from Singapore http://youtu.be/Mhym0eyp3Pk

  7. jm6g90 says:

    [I tried burning the church down the corner of the street
    Just like Grishnackh—I saw it on Youtube
    But our church was made of cement
    Coupled with rain, my matchstick just died. :( ]

    gold

  8. Walker says:

    IMO parody metal bands are like making fun of Justin Beiber; if you think you are clever, then the joke is on you. I think the best ‘parody’ black metal bands are the ones that are tongue in cheek about the whole thing, e.g. Blasphemy.

    Although, black metal is currently going through one of the least fun phases it has ever been in, and that is saying a lot. A lot of the currently trendy US bands like Wolves in the Throne Room, Woe and Liturgy combine the self-important seriousness of Euros with the annoying politics and self-centredness of hipsters and the NFC. Truly the best of both worlds!

    • VyceVictus says:

      Holy Fuck that sounds terrible. Is the music good at least?

      • Walker says:

        No- the worst part about it is that it is fucking boring. Think 8+ minute long songs with way too many riffs that dont go anywhere. It is sort of like black metal’s version of riff salad death metal, but way more pretentious.

        • grymboner says:

          As a part-time bm fggt, I’d like to dispute this in a non-butthurt manner.

          It is true that Liturgy, Krallice and all those bands are kinda boring and mostly shit.

          However some WITTR (lol acronym), Altar of Plagues, Woe and other U.S. Black Metal have some strong tree riffs (riffs that sound like a tree is crying – my favorite!).

          Latest WITTR blows though.

          Would like to know what you think of Black Anvil tho? Hardcore bros playing black metal. Some decent songs but hated by all tr00s and hipsters alike.

  9. J.A.Shearman says:

    Always been surprised that my country (Australia) makes such good black metal, most of it being either drone or depressive stuff.
    But yeh, wouldn’t expect it from a country that’s people spend most of their time on the deck with a couple of beers and a BBQ haha.

  10. Sergeant D says:

    This is kind of like how there are so many goths in orange county. Aside from OC being a really nice place thats hardly conducive to being depressed, i feel like it would be super uncomfortable to rock latex and leather there!

  11. Kumichou says:

    I fucking suck at translation. I’m sorry Baathis, I are disappointment.

    • VyceVictus says:

      Apreesh your efforts. The Celsius conversion alone made it all worth it (I haven’t lived in America in nearly a decade and I still haven’t figured that shit out.)

      • Kumichou says:

        Fahrenheit never makes any sense to me.

        Also, I kinda got used to just convert stuff for my ‘mericun friends when measurements are involved in conversations, otherwise, it won’t make sense to them either. ‘Merica, duznt liek the metric system apparently.

        • beholdthesharktopus says:

          My middle school math teacher is a huge activist for converting America to standard. It would be a pain in the ass to actually do it but it makes sense.

  12. meaddd says:

    Bvrtan- Indonesian agricultural black metal
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8FEXeRVpF4

    National Socialist Black Metal bands in South America… never not hilarious!

  13. Pewpew says:

    super lulz if you understand tagalog

    this post reminds me of the dude who i always see when i go to lunch. black pants + black shirt w/pentagrams n’ goatheads + ultra long hair. he always seem to eat dinuguan
    (soup made from pig’s blood). and to think that it isa lways 40degree C here in the philippines…

    so kvlt

  14. jeh says:

    did you actually just use Celsius before Fahrenheit? You just lost a reader.

  15. Martin Regnen says:

    Wow, you can tell parody black metal bands from srs ones? HOW?

  16. Manuwar says:

    MFW the only metal band in Jamaica happens to be a black metal

  17. Manuwar says:

    I used to be in a black metal in Puerto Rico, feelsbetaman. thank god that didnt last long

  18. Nightshift says:

    It’s not that hard to understand and it’s not really a new development. Impiety, Sarcofago, Black Witchery is from Florida….Fucked up places produce fucked up bands. And white hispanics can be super racist and elitist, more than your average American redneck.

  19. Regurgitator says:

    BM bands in the Philippines are ditching the KVLT and corpsepaint look when they get older and focuses more on the music. Younger bands tend to foucs on the typical BM look at first and eventually will come to the realization that “our corpsepaint always melt every gig! srs”.I have a lot of BM bros out here and I used to do their corpse paint when we were younger haha.

  20. Jonda says:

    Kumichou=cute as fuck <3

  21. concernedphilosopher says:

    I dunno man. South America has always had a lot of black metal. And black metal doesn’t necessarily always equal coldness.

  22. Josh says:

    I’m surprised no one mentioned Impaled Northern Moon Forest, starring the late, great Seth Putnam from Anal Cunt fame.

    Also, there was a band back in the late 90s/early 00s called Blackseed Boys who did black metal covers of Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, etc.

  23. Alex says:

    The Black Satans are pretty good for a laugh.

  24. Sean Wright says:

    This is pure fucking gold .

  25. Boner Patrol says:

    Black metal is gay as fuck. Every time I read or hear about the genre, I can’t help but think about the secret track off that Mushroomhead CD. You know the one where that stereotypical black dude calls the beta faggot about his ad in the paper looking for other dweebs to form a black metal band. Shit is still funny.

    • Cookie says:

      Didn’t know that came off Mushroomhead, huh.
      Still love the shit outta Black Metal, no fucks given.

      • Boner Patrol says:

        Yeah, I didn’t find that out until a found the audio on youtube. Not a fan of Mushroomhead, but juvenile prank phone calls I back 100%.

  26. The Ghost of Keith Hernandez says:

    I was originally expecting this to be about that one-man black metal project from Jamaica.

  27. Jenn Lynn says:

    Sweet lyrics bro!

  28. nahrhead says:

    Black metal sucks a dead dog dick. Also, isn’t jess bowen half a flip? If so, I fully endorse this

  29. fearofmekhet says:

    lol I actually know who those Baathis dudes are.

  30. bob lablaw says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l24MRTxgvRE

    does this count?? corpsepaint on the beach,skateboards,breakfast foods all sealed with a kiss between band members at the end??

  31. Kvlt times Kvlt measvres says:

    Slave whipping blasphemy is pretty wicked.

  32. Praseodymium says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5NSvtWirS4
    First three are pretty good parodies, then it goes all downfall. (with one exception: Immortal! = Never not funny!).

    And then, there is Morbid Anal Fog:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMXep7Q4tAw

    And who could forget about genres greats, Impaled northern moonforest:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNHQQ2tRR_A

  33. soyamilk says:

    I think the group behind Baathis are from the commercially metalcore band here called Valley of Chrome, they got bashed by a lot of metalheads, so this is their sort of “revenge” to those yakvlts out there. But then again making fun of bm( regardless if its from a tropical country like us) is an easy target and been done to death. I wish though that our Pinoy bm bands ditch panda Abbath style corpsepaint, it looks ridiculous

    Yeah yeah I know this a humour blog by Sgt D, I still have to put a list of black metal bands from the tropics well there is Xibalba, Goatpenis,Sarcofago, Mystifier,Impurity, Murder Rape, Hadez, Tombcrusher, Anal Vomit, Impiety Abhorer, Mantak, Rator, Deiphago, Parabellum, Blasfemia

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