I’m what they call an “idea man.” I’m not that good at the details of actually making stuff, but I am full of concepts that I like other people to execute at my specific direction. Not sure if there are any people with Hollywood industry connections who read SYWH, but I thought I would share one of my most recent ideas. In the tradition of great films like Starsky & Hutch or that one with Tom Hanks and the dog, it’s a roadtrip buddy movie: think of it as PCU meets Sex Drive. I call it BIG BUSH.
If your first thought upon seeing this was “Signed, an angry whale who nobody wants to fuck,” then you will enjoy this movie
The boys of Alpha Alpha Alpha, the best frat on the campus of Central State University, have new neighbors this year. When the house next door went into foreclosure, an anarchist collective of vegan feminists bought the place and set up camp. After AAA orders a half-ton of bacon cut into the shape of dicks to their neighbors house, things get heated and the womynists threaten to get AAA kicked out of school for sexual harassment.
The womynists say they’ll keep quiet on one condition: that AAA leader Chad (PAUL WALKER) takes their newest recruit Talyn (ODETTE YUSTMAN) to the world’s foremost annual gathering of feminist slam poetry. Much like Woodstock, the gathering is named after its location: Big Bush, Colorado.
As far as I can tell, 90% of slam poetry is about how girls are angry because “according 2 society they aren’t pretty.” That, or some guy who stabbed their guts and never called again.
Archive footage from past years of the BIG BUSH festival
That’s about as far as I’ve gotten with the concept, but as far as I am concerned the rest of the movie would pretty much write itself. The first act would be all kinds of hilarious situations where the audience sees how different they are from each other, culminating in a scene where they stop at a roadside diner and Talyn jumps up on a table and spits as the dumbfounded patrons look on:
I am woman
Woman. I am.
No man
Can define ME
Act two would be the part where they realize they “have more in common than they thought,” with the central scene being a part where they break down by the side of the road in Arizona or something, and they’re laying on the hood of the car looking up at the stars and having a meaningful conversation. Not sure how to lead up to it, but I am imagining a part where Chad sits up with a sensitive look on his face and says “You know Talyn, in this light… you actually look really pretty. Like a stripper.”
The third act would be the makeover scene, where Talyn goes from grose vegan womynist to hot college slut. I’m picturing closeups of her shaving her armpits as Chad watches with a clothespin on his nose, putting on pink lipstick, and culminating in her pulling on a pair of Uggs (kind of like the beginning of Commando where he is putting on all his army gear).
I think it could be pretty hilarious, although I am concerned that the slam poet character would inherently be so fucking annoying that even people who liked the movie might have to walk out halfway out of sheer rage. Oh, and the finale has to be 311 playing a show at the Alpha Alpha Alpha house where you realize that under all the baggy thrift store rags and Spitboy patches, all the womynists are actually hot and they have a wet t-shirt contest while the band plays “Down.”
Looking forward to the scene where the two main characters drive in a car, and, after a heated debate about the true meaning of beauty, Chad says to Talyn, in a very insightful and affirmative tone, that “As much as you would like for beauty to be in the eye of the beholder, such idealism has no place in the real world! People are shallow, and will always fail to look beyond the size of a women’s breast’s and butt!” And then he never says anything remotely intelligent and pseudo-insightful for the rest of the movie.
Dear Sarge,
How can I make my long term vegan punk girl more mainstream? She is halfway there because she has always been obsessed with make up/shoes/clothes/planning to get a boob job (lol at the slam poet in this post talking about make up and shoes like we force them on women), but she still rages at mainstream stuff, thinks she’s a special snowflake and only admits to liking two LMFAO songs when no one is around. How do I get her to make friends with a bunch of ‘plastics’ and giggle and have pillow fights?
There needs to be a post about this if such a thing is possible.
Kind of seems not doable, though. It’s like when girls get tits or when dudes’ balls drop. You can’t force it, it just has to happen, and sometimes it just doesn’t.
^ this. all you can do is wait, and hope for the best :/
YES TO THIS
I would totally write a negative review for this on RYM.
Couple of possible punch-ups:
• Instead of moving in, the womynists just start squatting the property.
• If 311 is not available, consider Sublime w/ Rome as replacement.
great ideas! i need a good punch-up writer, are you looking for work??
Backed hard! I’d pay 3d movie prices to see this
*starts slow clap*
Oscarbait
My god, that Jawline.
Best movie ever?
Best movie ever.
This is a far more fleshed out (lol) concept than you seem to think it is. I would invest in an instant.
Backed. This is a pretty complete story that just needs to be written into a screenplay style with some dick jokes inserted into the dialogue. Maybe try crowdsourcing that? I’m old and don’t quite know what that means but I think if you put it on a messageboard and ask real nice people will do your work for you. I think it is a good investment because I’m sure it can be made on the cheap and turn a profit.
I would watch the absolute shit out of this movie. And I’d actually pay for it.
I thought the girl in the slam poetry video was kind of hot. I’d buy her a latte and let her talk at me about society’s problems.
Should I feel weird for thinking that?
no I totally agree, but shes clearly a scene tourist who secretly still shaves her pubic hair
I know her, she goes to the high school I graduated from. Not as annoying as you’d think. Though I am totally not surprised that she has videos of herself doing slam poetry on YouTube.
amaze!
Oh yeah, Im sure many of these people are well-meaning but misguided
Dude, you and I think a lot alike. I think Ive got a great idea for this movie. After the house next door closes down, the “wacky fat guy” at AAA starts noticing weird things going on and thinks the house is haunted: bad smells, garbage everywhere, weird chanting and noises coming from the house. Eventually he goes and explores and to his horror finds a disgusting be-dreadlocked anarcho punk trying to bum change off of him. He thinks it’s a monster and runs away in terror.
Also, maybe there can be some kind of wacky comic relief sidekick on the road trip? Now that Community is on hiatus maybe you could get Danny Pudi to play te “straight laced Indian student” who acts as the impartial arbiter and learns life lessons from Chad and Talyn?
He thinks it’s a monster and runs away in terror
“it had some strange rune or glyph hanging from a tattered rag on its back…”
http://www.punkandpissed.com/bmz_cache/0/0bfbf52c24242669e66e5a510d2465c9.image.300×324.jpg
Danny Pudi can play anything.
Backed hard
this movie half exists and its called “not another teen movie” srs
yeah but he still “learns 2 respect” females, albeit its meant ironically
more derivative of PCU than anything, actually
Now what car would they be driving in? Chad’s lifted black truck or Talyn’s shitty old bug? The tow truck company they call would be one of the former frat member’s and the tow truck would have alpha alpha alpha on the side.
Also in the end after they bang and she thinks Chad is a changed man, he never calls her back and goes on to the next chick.
They also have to meet a group of people that no one likes and bond over their hate of that group.
The second paragraph wouldn’t get past the censors if the movie was actually made :(
Group could be juggalos or black metal? White trash/wiggers would be obvious/boring
That bush is a bish.
Wow I thought this was really funny, but when I got to the part about 311 playing I just about spit the food I was eating out of my mouth from laughing!
Also might need a semi-Milf Dean that defends the womynists for absolutely no reason and shames the AAA members about npt attending vegan bake sales and rights rallies for people that live thousands of miles away.
Also, Eugene Levy might be ideal for the AAA father to teach them how one tames a bush bish
“if you boys can’t take a day to go to the march for Antartican lesbian midgets then i’m afraid i can’t approve your annual spring dance.” *cut to AAA bros wearing eskimo outfits and haplessly holding protest signs*
YES
also needs a cameo from either Will Ferell or Ken Jeong in the form of the legendary AAA frat bro of years past that used to party hard and stab dem bishes guts even harder and how now he has fallen from grace, works in a truck stop as a gas attendant. When Chad bumps into him in the third act after fighting with the female lead, he offers some worldy advice about how life is not just about smashing bishes and disrespecting your surroundings and how frat bros should treat women nicely and deep down every woman is beautiful and Chad finally realises he is in love with Talyn. Now cut to Talyn’s dorm as she prepares to move away and as Chad desperately tries to make his way back in time before she leaves and just in the last moment he makes it but crashes his car into the AAA’s dorm instead and propefesses his love to her and all the frat bros and bush bishes all go awww as the movie fades to the credits with some sappy The Fray song plays in the background.
This is genius, old wise Ken Jeong fallen from grace with a deep voice and southern accent for no reason dropping the morals would make this movie perfect.
“southern accent for no reason”
perfect detail!
getting ken jeong or bobby lee to say the phrase “disrepect your surroundings” would be worth the price of admission alone
Holy fuck, this concept is beautiful. :’)
Will Anal Cunt’s ‘Women: Nature’s Punching Bag’ be featured on the soundtrack?
Honestly, with your blueprint and some of ideas being thrown around in the comments, this could be the next American Pie (half srs).
Quick, set up a kickstart page!
Hello, we are a Christian film organization who are attempting to make a film which reinforces the biblical concept of women being obedient to males. We need $1,000,000 to began making our dreams (and Jesus’ dreams) a reality. Donate $100,000 and you can have dinner with Sergeant D.
kerri kinney as anarchist collective leader.
sarge, if you are srs, i could “talk to some people” and see if you could get it pitched, no joke…
do it! i would love to make a direct-to-netflix movie! srs
Can I be cast as the fat, nerdy guy that only got into AAA because he writes everybody’s papers and has a hot sister?
This movie would suck so bad…but I would still watch it. And i doubt you would get Paul walker for the part, you would probably get Justin long or something.
steve zahn would work too
steve zahn would be amazing, but i cant help but think hes too old. what about james roday of psych fame?
Hahahah before reading the article my comment was going to be “don’t forget to have some lulzy college rock band playing live at some point”
And then throw a curveball at the end and have every woman on the planet exterminated!!!
Best article of the year. (srs)
signed,
#recovering slam poet
LOL at the Pokemon posters behind that bish in the video.
do the slam poetry thing as a montage… everybody needs a montage
seriously lol’d at the last scene featuring 311
also, i want to be clear, i honestly think this is funny. it’s not an ironic joke or parody of the genre, this is what i actually like. this is seriously the movie i would make if someone gave me the resources to do it.
Get a couple bros together and write a screenplay. All you really need is one guy who will do most of the work and take like none of the credit and like five funny dudes making up plotpoints and jokes. Would be fun even if nothing came out of it.
The frat bros need to have like a frat call where they all shake up a beer, yell ALPHA ALPHA ALPHA and howl like wolves then open said beers and chug.
Is it weird that I like hairy chicks? O_o
Would def. watch this movie. Also, how much nudity is there going to be (if at all)?
Can we expect a gross out flash of a bush or two?
IMO this would be best with a “fake out” like in there’s something about Mary. E.g. One of the dudes is spying on the squat with binoculars trying to see what its all about and he sees Talyn undressing. He does a double take and when he looks back its the gross “mature student” in her mid 50s!!
yes!! i love these scenes– “ohhhh yeah, here comes the money shot!!!” “OH SHIT DUDE LOOK AT THAT FUCK MY COCK” *barfs*
See… I was almost ready to drive down to hollywood and spend the rest of my life pitching this but Florence and The Machine ISNT PROVIDING THE SOUNDTRACK!?! Whuuuuuuut!?
I’m thinking she gets super-pissy when he’s watching MMA and keeps trying to put on reruns of Daria.
Plz have a scene where Talyn and Chad meet a black/white or azn/white gay couple and then all four have a “heart to heart and discover each others hardships.” Wayne Brady and NPH wold be perfect for this, or maybe Bobby Lee and Bill Hader.
Old fabled frat member he runs into and gets advice from would be perfect as a gay dude. Would show gay bros can be alpha too, a message movies really should be showing.
This movie sounds amazing except I would use come original for the 311 song
spitboy?! i think you and i are the only old farts up in here old enough to even remember that band / the kind of following they had. i think today’s tr00 radical-feminists pretty much just rep bikini kill, it’s not like they’re mostly that interested in the music anyway, just in the posture/”tude”.
Anyone else have ‘Idea for a Movie’ by the Vandals stuck in their head?
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lbzqgrAtrq1qecrgjo1_500.jpg Just saw this on the Tumblrz. All SYWH readers should act like extras in the 311 show scene.
Get this in there somewhere aswell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic7KH1PpbMY
Best OST evar
That’s my slam poem. No, really, it is. Thanks for attracting brainless, ignorant, and sexist assholes to my video. I really appreciate their comments — they’re so profound! So poignant! Such beautifully put together displays of intelligence! Really, men emphasizing my appearance over my words… what a fresh, new concept. I can tell they really comprehend the message I’m attempting to convey. So thanks, stuffyouwillhate.com! You epitomize all that I disagree with in this world, and thanks to you, I’m more inspired to keep writing than ever before. In fact, I think my next poem’ll be about not shaving… Just for you.
Alright. Tear me to pieces. I’m ready.
Would you like some punch with that roll?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAlTOfl9F2w
Lighten up, Francis.
@shanna, would you like some ointment for your butt?
As both a vegan and a male I am torn between not eating animals and standing up for dogs not having their balls removed. And yet I think the beautiful slam bitch is a bit ridiculous, I like girls with arm-pit hair, just not moustaches or chest hair. I feel you guys on your HxC, anti-hipster vibe, but are you really just frat-boys with tats?
There are many angry butthurt feminists on the vegan scene, and it’s part of the reason I’m banned from a local vegan restaurant, and keep a bit of distance from the animal rights movement at the moment. But sending a tray full of dead innocent pigs in the shapes of dicks to someone else’s house (especially one who’s against such an act) is a dick move.
bacon is delicious.
Alright, post the story about why you’re banned from the vegan restaurant.
Okay dude. I was banned because well, I was a sex addict so I kept losing my friends and was a bit hard to deal with, but I got in a fight in a squat that I lived in because I was doing a course where you had to work hard. Then I got blacklisted from the London Squatting community. Oh, I got in a fight because I had sex with a young vegan girl who went aggro-feminist on me once I quit it (bad move of course, she was also my squatmate). Then her friend’s boyfriend got into it with me. So yeah. Then at an Animal Rights conference I backed up this dude who I could tell was getting ganged up on for saying things like ‘I’d never hit a woman’ which was supposedly sexist, oy vey. So yeah. These two dykey-haircutted vegans who kind of knew me and had heard the squat fight rumours about me came over and said I was banned from the cafe for being ‘violent’ and ‘a sexist’ but they were trying to do that dude in and I stepped in so it angered them. Then I had to move to a new neighborhood in order just to get some space from all that shit. Partially my fault as with the sex addict thing, but I just got an email from an angry feminist woman who’s into spaying dogs. I told her I’d rather die then have my testicles removed, and that we maybe should let dogs be wild if we truly wanted to be anti-speciesist. She said I wasn’t ‘intelligent.’
“You know Talyn, in this light… you actually look really pretty. Like a stripper.”
Amazing.
Wow. Where to begin?
First of all, the guy who decided that it would be a good idea to post such a crude, scummy, bigoted article, needs to get raped by three massive black men. No, really, he does. Obviously, he doesn’t have anything better to do with his time then hate on intelligent women, who can actually stand up for themselves, and have intelligent views. Seeing how many people liked this video, I’m seriously concerned for the state of society today.
Anyone here ever seen the movie “Idiocracy”, where all the intelligent people fade out of society from lack of reproducing? And all the ignorant, racist, bigoted hillbillies are the only people left? Yeah. This reminds me of that. (www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/)
Are you all the kids who, like, had parents who thought it was okay to treat women like this?
So, “Idea Man”, you enjoyed pulling this out of your ass, did you? Let me guess, you’re one of those “men” in college, who enjoys drinking beer, whistling at girls, and making sexist comments along the way, ehh? And you think that “white” is the only way to be, and that George Bush is fucking great, and that fishing with dynomite is okay too, huh?I think I’d be overjoyed if we could use people like you for slaves, instead of letting you sit around the house, leeching off of welfare, and stroking your nice, hairy beer guts.
I honestly wish I had even 10% of the brains that Shanna has.
Obviously this is a rant, and none of you will take it seriously.
>.<
Wait, is this serious or really good satire?
so hard to say!
Wow. Where to begin?
First of all, the guy who decided that it would be a good idea to post such a crude, scummy, bigoted article, needs to get raped by three massive black men. No, really, he does. Obviously, he doesn’t have anything better to do with his time then hate on intelligent women, who can actually stand up for themselves, and have intelligent views. Seeing how many people liked this article, I’m seriously concerned for the state of society today.
Anyone here ever seen the movie “Idiocracy”, where all the intelligent people fade out of society from lack of reproducing? And all the ignorant, racist, bigoted hillbillies are the only people left? Yeah. This reminds me of that. (www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/)
Are you all the kids who, like, had parents who thought it was okay to treat women like this?
So, “Idea Man”, you enjoyed pulling this out of your ass, did you? Let me guess, you’re one of those “men” in college, who enjoys drinking beer, whistling at girls, and making sexist comments along the way, ehh? And you think that “white” is the only way to be, and that George Bush is fucking great, and that fishing with dynomite is okay too, huh?I think I’d be overjoyed if we could use people like you for slaves, instead of letting you sit around the house, leeching off of welfare, and stroking your nice, hairy beer guts.
I honestly wish I had even 10% of the brains that Shanna has.
Obviously this is a rant, and none of you will take it seriously.
>.<
“..you’re one of those “men” in college, who enjoys drinking beer, whistling at girls, and making sexist comments along the way, ehh?”
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A COLLEGE ‘MAN’ WHO NEVER DOES THAT SHIT
JESUS DICK
GET OUT OF YOUR KNITTING CIRCLE/BOOK CLUB/ANIME CLUB AND GO MEET BOYS
YOU MORMON
Lmfao, first of all: I’m a self respecting, decent guy, with a great girlfriend, and a brain. I hate idiots who walk around acting like immature assholes all the time, and I’m assuming by your reply that you fall into that particular group. And I don’t belong to any of those “clubs” as you call them. The girl who did that Slam-Poetry was actually someone I knew, and respect. She’s not at all the way any of you “cretins” seem to think she is, and she was brave to put that video up.
I’m leaving before I get seriously enraged at people on the internet for something that I have no control over, and will not likely make an impact on.
Have fun.
Made some good points but I hate this reply because of how it seems after I read the pretentious username. :/
backed.
You like to assume lots of stuff, don’t you?
You’re pretty much the dictionary defenition of “Butthurt Fggt”
BOOM BOOM BOOM
tl;dr but confirmed for butt pirate
Wait, this is basically the plot to PCU.
There needs to be more examples of conflict between the warring factions that culminate to a boiling point. Maybe the boys at AAA hold a slam metal fest much to the feminists-anarchists chagrin, which results in them storming the AAA and making some disparaging remarks about bacon and dicks.
Perhaps creepy-rapey squat punk guy can make an appearance or even better some secretly-rapey WK who gets punched out by our hero while assaulting our ingenue, thereby endearing himself to her somewhat.
problem is the fratboys are more stereotypically rapist, but you could twist that I suppose. Also frat boys not likely into metal. Squat punk male friend of vfbs are more likely into metal, so I doubt it would be to their ‘chagrin.’ Secretly rapey WK is good character though, methinks.
Damn, shit is getting gritty. We trying to make the next American Pie, not the next Higher Learning!!
Higher Learning was way better bro. American Pie=Crap. Animal House=Yes.
Fuck, missed the reply; i meant that this is supposesd to be fun, not super srs about real issues. Animal House ruled.
At one point, Talyn needs to call the main dude a sexist during an argument, at which point he goes ‘woah woah woah’, and freezes the screen to talk to the audience like Ferris Bueller. He’d say ‘We Alpha Alpha Alpha’s are not in any way sexist, we blah blah blah’, long honest reasonable talk about how they want to treat women as equals, using a bunch of charts and examples and shit, should be easy to write. Then he unfreezes the scene and calls her a dumb bitch.
There needs to be a dick member of Alpha Alpha Alpha who wants to get the main guy thrown out because he’s jealous or something dumb like that, and he works with the leader of the feminists who is the biggest bitch in the group, super controlling and evil, and they plot and make out at the end.
A voiceover needs to come after the 311 song too, along the lines of ‘Well okay, that didn’t happen. But we threw a dece party and Jarrod ended up fingering the redhead. I think they banged a couple weeks later. And he would never confirm or deny massive bush.’