I’m what they call an “idea man.” I’m not that good at the details of actually making stuff, but I am full of concepts that I like other people to execute at my specific direction. Not sure if there are any people with Hollywood industry connections who read SYWH, but I thought I would share one of my most recent ideas. In the tradition of great films like Starsky & Hutch or that one with Tom Hanks and the dog, it’s a roadtrip buddy movie: think of it as PCU meets Sex Drive. I call it BIG BUSH.
If your first thought upon seeing this was “Signed, an angry whale who nobody wants to fuck,” then you will enjoy this movie
The boys of Alpha Alpha Alpha, the best frat on the campus of Central State University, have new neighbors this year. When the house next door went into foreclosure, an anarchist collective of vegan feminists bought the place and set up camp. After AAA orders a half-ton of bacon cut into the shape of dicks to their neighbors house, things get heated and the womynists threaten to get AAA kicked out of school for sexual harassment.
The womynists say they’ll keep quiet on one condition: that AAA leader Chad (PAUL WALKER) takes their newest recruit Talyn (ODETTE YUSTMAN) to the world’s foremost annual gathering of feminist slam poetry. Much like Woodstock, the gathering is named after its location: Big Bush, Colorado.
As far as I can tell, 90% of slam poetry is about how girls are angry because “according 2 society they aren’t pretty.” That, or some guy who stabbed their guts and never called again.
Archive footage from past years of the BIG BUSH festival
That’s about as far as I’ve gotten with the concept, but as far as I am concerned the rest of the movie would pretty much write itself. The first act would be all kinds of hilarious situations where the audience sees how different they are from each other, culminating in a scene where they stop at a roadside diner and Talyn jumps up on a table and spits as the dumbfounded patrons look on:
I am woman
Woman. I am.
Can define ME
Act two would be the part where they realize they “have more in common than they thought,” with the central scene being a part where they break down by the side of the road in Arizona or something, and they’re laying on the hood of the car looking up at the stars and having a meaningful conversation. Not sure how to lead up to it, but I am imagining a part where Chad sits up with a sensitive look on his face and says “You know Talyn, in this light… you actually look really pretty. Like a stripper.”
The third act would be the makeover scene, where Talyn goes from grose vegan womynist to hot college slut. I’m picturing closeups of her shaving her armpits as Chad watches with a clothespin on his nose, putting on pink lipstick, and culminating in her pulling on a pair of Uggs (kind of like the beginning of Commando where he is putting on all his army gear).
I think it could be pretty hilarious, although I am concerned that the slam poet character would inherently be so fucking annoying that even people who liked the movie might have to walk out halfway out of sheer rage. Oh, and the finale has to be 311 playing a show at the Alpha Alpha Alpha house where you realize that under all the baggy thrift store rags and Spitboy patches, all the womynists are actually hot and they have a wet t-shirt contest while the band plays “Down.”