An Important Message from the STUFF YOU WILL HAVE COMPASSION FOR FOUNDATION

Did you know that every day, thousands of people all over the world are suffering from degenerative humour deficiency diseases? Are you aware that in the time it takes for you to drink your cup of coffee, up to 3000 (mentally) poor people will suffer some kind of stupidity/rage based illness? Did you know that you have the ability to change these alarming statistics?

Hi. I’m Jonnyfilth, and I’m an ambassador for the Stuff You Will Have Compassion For Foundation. I’d like you to take a few minutes out of your busy day and think about those less fortunate than yourself. For roughly the cost of a can of soda per day, you can help change lives. At SYWHCF Foundation, we care for these people who suffer under such extreme conditions. We live by the age old expression “Give a man a fish, and feed him for a day, teach a man to catch fish, and feed him for a lifetime!!” We go into the warzones, we endure the harsh and brutal conditions of rude blog posts and negative album reviews, dodging the unbearably nerdy comment wars that flame up all around us. We rescue those poor broken people who don’t have the strength-of-anus to put their deliberately controversial “art” on the internet without getting butthurt.

I’d like to introduce you to some lovely young pussies with hearts of gold, who DESPERATELY need your help. For around a dollar per day, you can “adopt” one of these needy young fairyboys. Your dollars will go towards giving them clean clothing, drinking water, and educating them on the most important life skill of all: How to not be a butthurt pussy. Once they complete their rehabilitiation, they will receive a brand new pair of testicles to fit into that embarrassing gap they currently live with.

Dont H8 me coz u N8 me!!!

First up, we have a young man named Nate. Nate’s situation is dire, you see, he plays bass for a boring and clichéd srscore band called “Shit Prevails”. To make matters worse, Nate was born with a terminal condition called “Sensitive Anus Dystrophy” (or SAD for short), which renders him unable to take jokes as they were intended. SAD causes horrible symptoms like “Butthurt Rants” and “Long-winded explanations of shit that nobody cares about”. You can adopt him and help us to give him a better life!

This picture is deep on like, at least 3 different levels

This is Jeremy. He’s in a band called “Douche Amore”. Jeremy was born happy and healthy, but tragically he contracted a severe case of Special Snowflake Syndrome, or SSS. This causes him to think he’s more deserving of praise and attention than he is. It also makes him think everything he does is “special”, and “unique”. Personally I kinda like his band, but his condition has made him unbearably annoying to be around, and actually a real dick to some people. With your financial support, we can help him to grow a pair of balls. Jeremy needs your help!

I don't usually gush, but OMG Crucial Doodz!

Here we have the tragic case of a young family of orphaned brothers who go by the name “Shaved Arms”. All three of them have been diagnosed with “Girly Fanboy Disorder”, which is a debilitating disease that causes its sufferers to write embarrassing love letters about shitty mediocre bands like Crucial Dudes, who they can’t help but worship. It makes them interpret every move made by their idols as “Godlike” and “Better than you”. SYWHCF is including these tortured souls as a package deal, adopt them today for just $30 a month! Your assistance is vital to their survival in the real world!

Yo yo don't diss my wiggertude or i'll cut you muthafucka

Last but not least, this is little Donnie Campan. Donnie is from a Failed State called “New Jersey”, a shithole third world nation famous for its ugly people and their overbearing public stupidity. He is the singer for a god-awful “groovy gore” band called “Wanking the Cadaver”. Now little Donnie is a special case, he was born with Race Dysphoria, which causes him to walk, talk, dress, and act like a black person, even though he is clearly white trash. This makes him aggressive and violent towards people who just want to help him. Unfortunately, his condition has given him quite a negative reputation for being a moronic fggt who can’t take a joke, and this is something nobody should have to endure in the 21st century. If you adopt little Donnie today, you can give him access to real education, clean drinking water, and properly fitting pants.

Will u be someone’s angel? Are you selfless enough to be the miracle they so desperately need? How is it possible that heavy / aggressive music can be made by such soft, special fruitcakes? Donate today and receive a card with your little princess’s photo and a thankyou letter written in cute childish handwriting!

About Jonnyfilth

All I want is bitches, BIG BOOTY BITCHES
This entry was posted in butthurt, contemporary world issues and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

61 Responses to An Important Message from the STUFF YOU WILL HAVE COMPASSION FOR FOUNDATION

  1. this guy has the comments says:

    I saw the picture and thought “hey that looks like the Touche Amore dick!” and SURE ENOUGH it was, and as I was reading about him a La Dispute song started playing on itunes and before I had a chance to wonder why I even had any of their music I looked down and I was all plaid, including my pants and socks and skin and I feel myself getting really butthurt about people who think alexisonfire is screamo.

  2. Leandro says:

    this is awesome! unfortunately, I’m already taking care of some kids with almost the same desease. Good luck!

  3. Open Window Maniac says:

    I’d help out, but I’m recovering from my own case of SAD. I was just let out back into the general public, and I still have to attend support groups and therapy sessions, it’s a hard road but I think anyone can be cured if enough effort is put into it.

  4. SaveTheSkunkApes says:

    I prefer to donate my time rather than just throw money at a cause. I am willing to volunteer to be Jeremy’s surrogate neglectful alcoholic father who is always disappointed in him and wakes him up at 3 AM to sit on the corner of his bed tell him about how I was just thinking about how life is pointless because we’re all insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. Occasionally I’ll start talking about people I know who have died and talk about how I didn’t know them that well but I can’t help thinking about how it seems like everyone else has forgotten them including their own family members. Then I’ll start talking to him about how I want my funeral to go and tell him he needs to listen because I could die any day.

    I’ll go missing for the week of Christmas leaving him nothing but $50 on the counter and a note that says, “I might not be back this time. Best of luck.” and return without any presents and if he asks me where I was I’ll throw something at the wall and yell about how he’s just like his mother with the constant questioning. For good measure if he brings any girls home I’ll ask them if he’s their gay friend in front of him and when he says, “Dad, I’m right here!” I’ll say, “I know.”

  5. Srscore bro says:

    No thirty minute video telling me how I should donate you the money no deal!!!

  6. Sergeant D says:

    Hard lol @ “Shit Prevails”

  7. Srscore bro says:

    This post is deep… Reminds me of a lot…. Of stuff…. *looks out into the horozon*

  8. bro bro says:

    Tits prevail

  9. J_hunter says:

    Started to rage at that Jersey comment, but the wigger sponsorship card was priceless, I had to let it go.

  10. jm6g90 says:

    Freom this day forwards its not ‘wiggger’ it’s ‘Race Dysphoria’

  11. Jon says:

    that was an awesome first post Jonnyfilth like to see this shit become a feature.

  12. freftd says:

    the waking the cadaver wagger sponsorship card is so funny its beyond something my intellect could ever come up with hard lol’d well played, well fucking played

  13. Klem says:

    Lol’d so hard my gf gave me a sorry look
    Godd job Johnnyfilth, write more posts like this!

  14. myr says:

    SAD needs to be a meme

  15. Save Parker says:

    Beautiful post. Won’t be complete until someone comes in the comments raging about being told they can’t take a joke.

  16. OLDMATÉ says:

    Fuck KONY! This has my FULL support!

  17. toast says:

    The next edition should be about BMTH’s new srs direction, and you should link the band here so that that jonah guy will get all pissy about it.

  18. stealmoneyfordrugs says:

    “…and properly fitting pants.” where do i sign up? i’m a good person, and am committed to helping any way i can.

    in my experience, race dysphoria leads to outbursts similar to those of “retard rage,” and i’d like to at least give these poor fellows a chance before inevitably having to put them down. i don’t like lying to children, telling them that we’ve sent lil donnie to a farm where he’ll have lots of space to run and play for the rest of his life. :(

  19. Brah says:

    lol’d hard @ “strength-of-anus”

  20. Chillin' says:

    Is this installment of SYWH a step towards the site becoming more srs? Will JohnnyFilth’s posts about selflessness and saving others lead him to think that he himself is a special snowflake and in an ironic twist of events, develop SSS himself?? Will we begin to see increasing srs posts about what “can be done to save the poor” and how “we can change one life at a time”? Will Sergeant D start jocking Douche Amore and other tr00 bands as the srs fggtry of helping others contaminate his brain?

    Stay tuned as we overanalyze the world’s #1 blog on overanalyzing dumb stuff on the internet! This srs business.

  21. Chuck says:

    MOAR posts from Johnnyfilth plz

  22. VyceVictus says:

    At first I was wondering if this post was bordering on being mean, but the conviction, attention to detail and craftsmanship (A+ on those sponsor cards) make this a work of art. Fantastic write up!

    • Jonnyfilth says:

      I was hoping it wouldn’t come across as too mean (srs) I’m glad the silliness and my epic shooping skillz balanced it out!
      Brb making a skilfully crafted post on why NJ is a failed state akin to Somalia or Greece

      • Sergeant D says:

        I used to live in NJ and I am not a huge fan of that state but really, it gets way more hate than it should. most parts of it are very nice. i do hate the people though.

        the real failed states are all in the south and there’s really nothing funny about picking on west virginia :(

  23. Oliver dykes says:

    Wtf do I ever have to do so you people accept me!!

  24. Martin Regnen says:

    Wanking the Cadaver? I seriously thought for a few months they were Walking the Cadaver. “Howdy neighbor! Just taking my cadaver for a walk this fine morning.”

  25. brb, donating my entire tax refund to this cause.

    • Jonnyfilth says:

      U will receive a framed plaque that says “champion of the cause” with a clip-art image of a knight next to a semi-related clip art of a damsel in distress. U will become a “gold level sponsor” which entitles u 2 receive our monthly newsletter + a thankyou pack with a water bottle and a discount coupon to receive 10% off your next Victory Records purchase.

  26. Void Eater says:

    I would donate all of my time and money to stop the male Austin Carlile groupie from becoming a phaggot for the rest of his life.

  27. GYMTANLAUNDRYBREAKDWONS says:

    Does WTC have an address for correspondence? I want to send Donnie Campan some properly fitting jeans courtesy of Good Will.

  28. xStizzy says:

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Deformed-Elephant-Surgery/248395521849451

    This guy, Deformed Elephant Surgery, desperately needs help as well.
    He frequently makes REALLY long rants about negative comments he receives on his incredibly extreme and experimental songs that he puts up on youtube.
    It’s really embarrassing and sad to look at.

  29. ge5undhe17 says:

    Aww, I feel sorry for that Douche Amore guy. He looks like my favourite movie character Forrest Gump – so adorable.

  30. nustej says:

    How did I miss this post? I wish I had some funds available to donate but I’m having my fiancee’ brought over from Nigeria, it’s a cute story really, she’s a Nigerian Princess who saw my Myspace page & likes everything that I like, we’ve been corresponding by email. Now I’ve put a 2nd mortgage on my house to pay her dowry & bought her a plane ticket, she should be here any day now. She has the ability. She is good and lovely. I love her.

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