Did you know that every day, thousands of people all over the world are suffering from degenerative humour deficiency diseases? Are you aware that in the time it takes for you to drink your cup of coffee, up to 3000 (mentally) poor people will suffer some kind of stupidity/rage based illness? Did you know that you have the ability to change these alarming statistics?
Hi. I’m Jonnyfilth, and I’m an ambassador for the Stuff You Will Have Compassion For Foundation. I’d like you to take a few minutes out of your busy day and think about those less fortunate than yourself. For roughly the cost of a can of soda per day, you can help change lives. At SYWHCF Foundation, we care for these people who suffer under such extreme conditions. We live by the age old expression “Give a man a fish, and feed him for a day, teach a man to catch fish, and feed him for a lifetime!!” We go into the warzones, we endure the harsh and brutal conditions of rude blog posts and negative album reviews, dodging the unbearably nerdy comment wars that flame up all around us. We rescue those poor broken people who don’t have the strength-of-anus to put their deliberately controversial “art” on the internet without getting butthurt.
I’d like to introduce you to some lovely young pussies with hearts of gold, who DESPERATELY need your help. For around a dollar per day, you can “adopt” one of these needy young fairyboys. Your dollars will go towards giving them clean clothing, drinking water, and educating them on the most important life skill of all: How to not be a butthurt pussy. Once they complete their rehabilitiation, they will receive a brand new pair of testicles to fit into that embarrassing gap they currently live with.
First up, we have a young man named Nate. Nate’s situation is dire, you see, he plays bass for a boring and clichéd srscore band called “Shit Prevails”. To make matters worse, Nate was born with a terminal condition called “Sensitive Anus Dystrophy” (or SAD for short), which renders him unable to take jokes as they were intended. SAD causes horrible symptoms like “Butthurt Rants” and “Long-winded explanations of shit that nobody cares about”. You can adopt him and help us to give him a better life!
This is Jeremy. He’s in a band called “Douche Amore”. Jeremy was born happy and healthy, but tragically he contracted a severe case of Special Snowflake Syndrome, or SSS. This causes him to think he’s more deserving of praise and attention than he is. It also makes him think everything he does is “special”, and “unique”. Personally I kinda like his band, but his condition has made him unbearably annoying to be around, and actually a real dick to some people. With your financial support, we can help him to grow a pair of balls. Jeremy needs your help!
Here we have the tragic case of a young family of orphaned brothers who go by the name “Shaved Arms”. All three of them have been diagnosed with “Girly Fanboy Disorder”, which is a debilitating disease that causes its sufferers to write embarrassing love letters about shitty mediocre bands like Crucial Dudes, who they can’t help but worship. It makes them interpret every move made by their idols as “Godlike” and “Better than you”. SYWHCF is including these tortured souls as a package deal, adopt them today for just $30 a month! Your assistance is vital to their survival in the real world!
Last but not least, this is little Donnie Campan. Donnie is from a Failed State called “New Jersey”, a shithole third world nation famous for its ugly people and their overbearing public stupidity. He is the singer for a god-awful “groovy gore” band called “Wanking the Cadaver”. Now little Donnie is a special case, he was born with Race Dysphoria, which causes him to walk, talk, dress, and act like a black person, even though he is clearly white trash. This makes him aggressive and violent towards people who just want to help him. Unfortunately, his condition has given him quite a negative reputation for being a moronic fggt who can’t take a joke, and this is something nobody should have to endure in the 21st century. If you adopt little Donnie today, you can give him access to real education, clean drinking water, and properly fitting pants.
Will u be someone’s angel? Are you selfless enough to be the miracle they so desperately need? How is it possible that heavy / aggressive music can be made by such soft, special fruitcakes? Donate today and receive a card with your little princess’s photo and a thankyou letter written in cute childish handwriting!