Here at Stuff You Will Hate, we generally try and take the high road, and ignore those random morons that show up to enlighten us with their true pearls of wisdom like “This band sucks” or “You should listen to [some completely unrelated band] instead”. We just say “Yah cool story bro, idc” and go back to having girlfriends and enjoying life. However, since we are only human, and this is annoying as fuck, it can be really hard to just ignore it. We try and inform them that their taste is subjective, but despite this hard fact, they continue to act as if music is objective. So with this in mind, I have been hard at work developing my new mechanical law to deal with this problem, and my project has reached fruition. Next time some groce pizza faced dungeon-dwelling ponytail janitor tells you that your favourite band sucks, just quote Filth’s Law Of Musical Objectivity (FLOMO):
“Music is objectively “good” if it satisfies the expectations of its intended target demographic”.
Another way of putting it: A band should always be considered “good” (and/or lovely) if it lives up to the expectations of (the majority of) its primary listeners within its target genre, regardless of technical skill, songwriting ability, or anyone else’s personal subjective opinion. If they are popular or have recognition within their demographic, then they are succeeding, and we shoudn’t bother trying to badmouth them. Let’s look at some examples. These may be hard to swallow, but stick with me.
The Acacia Strain is a truly amazing case study. Rarely do we come across a band that incites so much intense butthurt from people who don’t listen to this kind of music. This music is not intended to satisfy prog geeks or tr00 metalheads or melodicore bros. It’s made specifically for those of us who suffer from moshalepsy. TAS’s music does its fucking job (I’m moshing.) It satisfies the people it aims to satisfy, therefore it is “good”.
Hundredth, on the other hand, is not aimed at wignorant thugs who like beatdowns. It’s aimed at kids who like 2 srscore4Christ. Their melodies and minor keys and Christianey lyrics may sound whiny and horrible to moshlords and metalheads, but that’s not the target audience. If you’re not into it, don’t listen to it, and don’t complain that someone else likes it. Simpel!!
This (remixed?) Wynter Gordon song gives me a party boner. It makes me wanna hit tha club and danse all night like an intoxicated whiteboy and rail some random bish. It has a totally different mission to most of the music we review here, but damn, mission accomplished.
The Beebz is another one of those artists who incites universal butthurt from people who are not even remotely involved in this genre of music. Yet he has legions of female fans who would probably kill 4 the chance to sniff his soiled underwear. If he’s selling millions of records and getting good reviews from people who like pop, then he is doing it right.
The inverse application of this law states that if music does not satisfy its intended target audience, then it is “not good” (does not have the ability). This usually brings lulzy results, like the band members going on retarded rants about how they don’t get the respect that they “deserve” (lol). It also applies to pretty much all metal, since metalheads can never seem to agree on what actually constitutes “good” metal. (Don’t blame me, blame yourselves)
Basically, arguing about whether you think bands are good or bad is really gay. It is entirely pointless, because we cannot change the established opinions of music fans. Their favourite music satisfies them. We can’t make gang$tas think rap sucks. We can’t make easycore kids renounce their PG ways and take up a crusade on behalf of misanthropic death metal. We can’t make 14 year old girls think Bieber sucks and listen to Hatebreed instead. We can’t make beardos think anything is good. Why bother trying? FLOMO says it’s all good anyway.