Although I’ve never even been arrested, I happen to know 4 people in prison for murder (one of whom is my aunt), have 5 or 6 uncles who are felons, and know a zillion other people who for whatever reason are essentially career criminals. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always been a magnet for fuckups, scumbags and criminals, and I count some of them as my best friends. That said, you are right to be a little leery and sketched out. Here’s my take on being friends with scary criminals:
They can turn on you at any time, for no apparent reason
Think of these kind of friends as having a pet tiger: chances are everything will be fine, but there’s always a possibility that one day it will decide to maul you half to death. No matter how tight you are with them, shit can go south any time with these types, especially when drugs are involved (eg, they’re strung out, need a fix, or are so high they don’t know what the fuck is happening). Do not ever let yourself think “They only do fucked up shit to OTHER people, they’d never do anything to ME.”
If you are thinking “Hanging out with these guys seems like a great way to accidentally ruin my life,” you are correct (and I’m sure they would agree).
You can very easily end up in over your head
Let’s say your scumbag friend asks you for a ride to the store, because of course he doesn’t have a car. You’re in a hurry so you’re speeding a little, get pulled over and the cops find drugs and guns on your friend. All of sudden you get charged with a felony or two, your car gets impounded, and your life just burned down. Or the cops show up at his tattoo shop and he asks you to hold his gun– you can’t really say no, but now you might be in possession of a murder weapon. Even if the charges get dropped, having drug or gun arrests on your record can follow you for years. Point being, it’s playing with fire to hang out with these people and you might get burned.
They can be great friends
Given how risky and fucked up it can be to have criminal friends, why bother? Although the smart choice is probably NOT to hang out with these types, the ironic part is that they can be some of the best friends you could wish for: super chill, fun, loyal and always good for ridiculous stories.
Trying to impress these guys with how ‘down’ you are = chapter one in the book of incredibly foolish ideas. No matter how convinced you are that you can hang at their level, you are wrong. And it will end badly.
Dont try to be down
The important part is to make sure you set boundaries, and let them know that although you’re friends, you are on a different path. The best way to end up caught up in some shit is trying to impress them, because impressing them means doing something really fucking stupid. Just think of their criminal activity as a hobby they spend a lot of time on, which is totally cool to hear about, you’re just not interested in participating. It won’t make them respect you more if you try to be down– in fact, just the opposite: if you have your shit together but are still hang out scumbags even though aren’t one, they’ll respect you a lot more.
Always have an ‘escape route’
Given that things can get fucked up in an instant when you’re with these guys, make sure you always have an out. That could be as literal as not letting them be your only ride to a super sketchy party, or something more general like “Dude, you know I can’t get kicked out of school” when they ask you to help them sell Xanax on campus or something.
good advice. “being hard” usually just means being a borderline sociopath who basically has PTSD from growing up in an abusive environment, and being subconsciously suicidal. Its sad but your best bet is to avoid people like this, I never succeded in actually “helping” any friends like that.
also being around people who constantly need to get in fights over everything is super annoying, usually ruins your night and is a totally cock block. Allot of people want to be seen as someone who “doesn’t take any shit”, but just prove that deep down they are really insecure bitches that can’t let anything go.
“being hard” usually just means being a borderline sociopath who basically has PTSD from growing up in an abusive environment, and being subconsciously suicidal
Dude, well said. Never thought about it like that, but this is probably why I click with criminal scumbags even though I’m not one… we are cut from the same cloth, it’s just that for whatever reason I am able to keep myself from acting on it the same way they do.
Yea, I mean I had been arrested a bunch, got sent to a delinquent highschool etc, but at some point as I got older I just realized that it was dumb. It’s like how there’s a small minority of kids that are raised in super crazy religious households that are able to break free of that’, if youre able to rise above the shitty enviornment you grew up in, you definatly have the ability.
well fucken said… i feel for people in the bible belt and flyover states….
like black fag said you gotta rise above… rise above!!!
you all have the ability to handle shit in school, not fuck shit up, and make over 40k a year =]
“I never succeded in actually “helping” any friends like that. ”
Not possible. How many people do you know that have gone to rehab just once? Most of these people or on a suicide-level self-hatred binge to do as many retarded things as possible at any given time.
It’s nice to want to help people and make them better and happier, but that’s not what ANYONE sees when you try to help them. Even with sane people, trying to “put their life in order” comes off as super patronizing, even if you don’t mean it that way, and they will almost always lash out at you. If regular, non-drug addled psychopaths have a hard time with it, how well do you think drug-addled psychopaths are going to take it?
Best way to help people is just to live a positive life and be there for them. Some of them might be like “Dude, you’re so happy and never in prison, I really need help because I am a fuckup,” and boom your golden.
THIS. People don’t change until they want to…
the best thing you can possibly do to help these types of people is to not encourage or egg on delinquent behavior. i don’t mean come down on them, just when they are like “i know this bar and they just keep all the money in a desk drawer at the end of the night” its best to remove yourself and not be like “oh yeah? lets do this ish!”
This is really good advice. I was living with some pretty sketchy characters a few years ago, and I eventually just had to move out because one of the people I was living with said “we might get raided by the cops”. I was out of there the next day. I wasn’t doing anything illegal, but I wasn’t going to take any fucking chances with getting my life ruined.
If you think something bad is going to happen get the fuck out. Also a few years ago I narrowly dodged being arrested because my stupid friends wanted to break into a pool to go night swimming. Im not an idiot and i knew what a trespassing conviction could mean so i didnt partake. I noticed that there was someone shining a light around outside, so I tried to hurry everyone up to get out because I thought it was security who would be calling the cops. I left early while everyone was dicking around and the cops pulled up literally at the moment I left the property. A few of my friends got convictions for that shit.
So I guess the moral of the story is that you can have a ton of fun with fuck ups, but trust your gut feeling if you think something bad is going to happen. Dont try to impress these people, they may be cool to be around but their lives are terrible!!
voice of experience speaking here, being friends with scummy ppl is a bad idea. sure he seems like a cool guy that dgaf and you think that’s admirable or cool, but trouble follows them around and it’s not hard to get caught in it. also when your mom says she doesnt want you hanging with the wrong crowd because she doesn’t want you in jail? remember her words, because spending too much time with these people gets you to start thinking like them and it’s a slippery slope after that.
all of this is completely srs
Not really, as someone who has a lot of scumbag / criminal friends I have to say Sarge is pretty much accurate. They can be awesome friends but you just have to be aware of what you’re into. If you got burned it’s most likely because you forgot your place. You are the responsible one, not a fellow scum.
true shit but redundant 4 me via having most of my family and 90% of my homies being a criminal, scumbag or fuckup in one way or another…
chicanoeducationpipeline.ppx
I have a few buddies who are/were criminals (murder, manslaughter, drug dealers, or just general fuck ups), I have been taken to the police station a few times, in different countries, but luckily I never got charged with anything.
While my buddies are rather predictable und quite manageable and really fun to be around EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, they have taken me to places where really scary dudes hang out and where I’ve seen situations go sour really quick!
I agree with everything the Sarge wrote.
But don’t make “new criminal” friends and stay the fuck away from the ones that scare you!
“But don’t make “new criminal” friends”
so true! at least the ones you’ve known since being kids have some sort of loyalty to you
Bactard on the ridiculous stories thing. A couple of times on trains back from concerts I’ve had a couple of these kinds of guys sit near me and the stories are always really stupid (like trying to steal a whole laundry basket full of gatorades from a tent, getting chased on foot by cops etc.)
Danny Diablo scares the fuck out of me (srs)
Dude this is making me feel really glad I declined a recent invitation from one of such scumbag friends to partake in the ripoff of a bike store, where my role was simply to test ride a bike and never come back with it (via being anonymous and non suspicious, they took care of everything else). I remember feeling awkward about declining, but pleasantly surprised at the amount of respect they gave me for the justification of not wanting to fuck up my career with having a criminal record.
In my experience, these types basically respect any way of making money, and will see your legitimate job as just another hustle in the game.
Sweet post, Sarge. Sometimes I just feel so bad for some of my friends who have made terrible decisions, but have to spend all day around S-class shitbags in prison who are much worse than them. I know its their fault, but people with poor impulse control and hot tempers are not necessarily terrible people, at least not on the level of others they have to deal with
people with poor impulse control and hot tempers are not necessarily terrible people
Totally– in fact, a lot of the fuckups I know are actually really nice, even sweet people who act the way they do because they are easily hurt.
</3
so sad (srs)
I have a step-nephew (more like friends bc we’re one year apart) like this and every time I go visit we end up talking for a while. He always ask if I want to chill with him and his friends and I’m like nah bro I’d rather put my dick in a cheese grater (not actual response). It’s crazy bc I literally watched him go down the path to fuck ups ville. Out of all the countless things I can say about him (could easily write a book about his fuck ups) the thing that stuck out the most was “they can turn on you at any time.” I have first hand experience with him losing his shit at random (via taking molly, xany bars, coke, etc.) so many times that its kind of normal now. Although he’s a major fuck up, I still choose to hang with him because when he’s not losing his shit, he’s the chillest dude I know (srs).
kinda common sense but a couple extra ground rules you forgot to mention- don’t give them more than $20 at any given time and don’t let them be your roommate
also if you’re likely gonna lose the breathalyzer challenge, don’t agree to go drive them across town to pick up some more crack
not new to this site I just dont post anything ever. but anyway good post D, I got a brother who is wanted by the cops and on the run because of armed robbery drug abuse and other stupid shit which sucks cuz he’s my only brother and one of the best friends i’ve ever had. so I can def relate to this shit, thx for a good read sarge.
Another thing I forgot to mention is, don’t try to change them. It’s not your problem and it doesn’t work.
I would always run into people that would be like “You’re friends with so-and-so??! He did [fucked up thing] to my friend so-and-so, he’s a fucking asshole blah blah blah” and I would just shrug and say, “Sounds like you should talk to HIM about it.” While I’m sure that what they did was fucked up, it’s not my problem or my place to judge them… what am I supposed to do, call him and scold him? lol
Isn’t that the fuckin truth dude but wat do if they repeatedly ask for help, and when you try they still fuck up? I don’t want to feel like I could’ve been the guy who could have saved him from jail or an OD, but at the same time its like pumping a dry well after the 60th attempt to help.
All I can say is, don’t make other people’s problems your own. I’m always down to help my friends, but only if they are willing to help themselves… can’t let them drag you down with them, you know? Sad but what can you do?
yea major agreed
exactly…. stupid shit talking losers will be stupid shit talking losers…. haters will be haters…. fuckers that need anger management are gonna be fuckups that need anger management…
You gotta help yourself before you help others btw so yea
Sardjent d, wood be interested in hearing more crazy stories about people you know. Hearing this and the replies made me realize the sketch people I know aren’t nearly as bad as I thought.
Fill in the blanks: “I know a guy who’s so [adjective] he [fucked up thing].”
i had studying to do. but i think im just gonna do that for the rest of the night.
this one really hits home with me, as being someone who spent much of their teens and early 20′s being criminally minded and doing fucked up stuff with people who were just as bad or worse than me. spent my fair share of time getting arrested and sitting in jail for the dumb shit, while never really catching any legal flack for some of the serious shit we got away with.
i moved across the country to get away from the hole i’d dug for myself as staying in the city i was in was dangerous for me and everyone around me. people around me were winding up in prison or dead and i could’ve been next at any moment.
even though i mostly have my shit together now, i’m the sketchy one to most of my friends because they’re not trouble makers or criminals. it’s still tough because my first impulse in most situations is the furthest thing from being constructive.
ALL OF THIS.
i moved across the country to get away from the hole i’d dug for myself as staying in the city i was in was dangerous for me and everyone around me. people around me were winding up in prison or dead and i could’ve been next at any moment.
iknowthatfeelbro. P sure if i didn’t move away when I did I would have had to suffer some permanent consequences, and having the good sense to get away from that scene was one of the few smart life choices I’ve ever made.
fistbump, bro. moving from a huge, soul sucking metropolis to the suburbs of a much smaller place more than a thousand miles away saved my life. i’m certain of it. i need to find the motivation or inspiration to take advantage of the degree i’ve since acquired and do something to be successful.
*props*
exactly same shit here cept i just moved to the burbs from the city and i find it hilarious how the “tough” coconuts (sgt.d would say pochos) think they’re hard yet never actually seen the more fucked up grimy hood shit that is the ghetto city life… i mean how the fuck can you compare one small gang in a specific dirty part of the burbs to the many and MANY fucken street hoods that are rampant in the city of (insert major city with outstanding minorities here)…
metallica – sad but true.mp3
Not all fuck-ups are scumbags, but all scumbags are fuck-ups.
Speaking as a scumbag (no fux given), I don’t always seek out trouble, but sometimes a situation calls for it. That said, props to anyone that can keep their shit together and handle a steady job, normal relationships, etc., that’s just not how I operate (thanks to years of being exposed to/involved in some fucked up shit, it’s a long story). I still have an ethical code, it’s just very vague and nebulous. Lately, though, I’ve been trying to turn it around and use my powers for good, so to speak (/after school special).
Did fred savage from the wonder years (the kickass early 90s show you goddamn betas!!) beat up and then kill that one cute bitch from full house (the older sis i think) in this after school special? if he did then i already saw it!!
Just to reiterate some basic black letter criminal law that I have seen fuck up far too many naive neophytes: the felony murder rule.
If your scumbag friend suggests some minor criminal activity (e.g., breaking & entering, larceny, battery of some dickhead who you think totally deserves it), your intent to participate in that felony can be construed to make you responsible for any consequences that somehow end up with a dead body on the ground, unwitting or not.
Craziest example I can think of: in some, but not all states, when the police shoot and kill your scumbag friend for committing whatever felony you two were involved in, YOU can go down for the murder of your friend, even though the cops pulled the trigger.
Some of the saddest shit in the world is seeing young men–basically boys–serving 15 to Life because they got in the car, were in the wrong place at the wrong time, chose the wrong friends, or got peer pressured into some bullshit because they couldn’t say no.
Also, always a good chance your scumbag friend / now co-defendant will snitch you out on a plea.
Did not know all of that, but PERFECT example of how you can easily get in over your head.
Also, always a good chance your scumbag friend / now co-defendant will snitch you out on a plea.
Also THIS. Some of the downest, toughest, craziest dudes I know who swore they’d never rat rolled in a second when they were under pressure. Everybody does it.
Dude, that’s some serious bullshit, and a big part of the reason I have a problem with “tough on crime” mantras. In no way I’m I suggesting that we immediately free the entire Nuestra Familia from prison, but come on… people wind up in prison for outrageous shit way too often.
For any of you hard line republicans out there disagreeing with me, just remember its YOU who funds little johnny’s 15 to life sentence because some trigger happy cops shot his friend to death.
not trying to be down or hard on their level is super good advice. that feel when you realize everyone around you is an unstable motherfucker and you vow not to let being around them fuck your life up even tho you love all those dudes. :(
This article hits way too close to home. My brother was that ‘tiger’ and he turned on me already. God damn you Sarge. Stop making me feel feelings.
Ultimately a lot of these guys are just big melodramatic children who could never cope with the bullshit of everyday life no matter what their background circumstances were. After any initial WOW! factor wears off you’re left with a middle-aged loser who’s 10 times the sadsack as any “sucker” his age working a boring job with a wife and a kid or two. And they always have a great new scheme and every time they wind back up in jail or living out of their truck because they’re too delusional to learn from an endless list of past mistakes it’s always someone else’s fucking fault. No accountability.
I’ll never understand why some people will take pride in behaving exactly like malignant narcissists/sociopaths. Life isn’t the movies, working stiffs aren’t the suckers, you’re the sucker.
Totally agree with all of this, especially once you get into your 30s and you’re like “Wow dude, you’re still doing the ‘working a dead end job getting fucked up and going to jail all the time’ thing? Cool.”
What’s even worse are the guys who manage not to get a real long sentence or dead and try to live the same way in their 60s. They’re shaky, look about 15 years older, they’ve done enough coke to kill a buffalo, can’t go back to certain states, shacking up with their old lady at her 90 year old parents’ house. Ugh fuck I’m getting depressed.
This is a reminder of why i hate the racist bro culture in the I.E along wid dem dirt roads that reminds me of da hard ass ranches of mexico which in this country are run by idiot hillbilly redneck PBR-drinking dumbasses that make me proud i have some sort of culture… it might not be a kickass rich one like dem koreans but at least im not living with no 3/10 fatty wearing shorts and ICP shirts n shit …
depressing as fuck to the max!!!
One thing I will add is never let your sketchy friend borrow money, at least not significant amounts. They hit you up for a few bucks for McDonalds or gas or beer…fine so be it. Help a bro out (if they say theyll pay you back they most likely won’t because they are bad with money in the first place). But anything over $100 and you gotta look deeper into the situation.
I had all kinds of buddies approach me with offers of their friend that “could hook it up with a zip for cheap” or “get a sick deal on a ride” which we would then “flip for ten times the money.” Word to the wise–it almost never works out as initially planned. Chances are your friend’s hookup is probably even MORE sketchy than your friend. Who knows how this mystery hookup came up on this deal…and why are they so eager to offer it to your friend to begin with? The shady-ness of the scumbag world is a perpetual cycle.
Your sketchy friend is not an investment analysis, be wary of their “business prospects.”
Absolutely. Your sketch friends have less business acumen than Persian rug store owners. At least those dudes have the wherewithal to establish a front for their drug running. Treat their “business opportunities” like Jim Cramer’s advice; if he says buy, sell that motherfucker.
This is totally true. My sketchy friend said he could get a zip for cheap so I was like alright and gave him some money. Needless to say I ended up with a gun pointed at me, no weed, and no money. Pretty fucked up night.
I ‘loaned’ one of my criminal friends a few hundred $ once. And by loaned, I mean kissed it goodbye as soon as it left my hand.
Totally been there, except it was only 60. Still, every time after that when I saw this guy he was like “dude I will fer sher pay you back next time I see you”" and we all know how this turned out. Nothing over 20, ever!
Fuck, I love this site.
Awesome advice, Sarge (srs). I personally don’t know anyone who is a full-on criminal/scumbag, but I know several people who are definitely heading down that path. I myself am a law-abiding person, and would never do any of the shit my friends do, but thanks to this post I realize that I should be careful nonetheless. You have the ability, Sarge.
I’m a alcoolic scumbag living like a outcast on the verge of society and people scared of me, do you have any advice to me for making friend with them (via making friend with successful members of society), some kind of guide or something like than….hahahaha
When I worked offshore we had a sub that hired a bunch of parolees as oilers for their trackhoes. I had a bunch of DVDs of newer movies and after the shift we would watch them with these guys who’d only been out for a few months after 5 and 6 year sentences. Watched Fight Club with three guys who were seeing it for the first time in 2004 because they had been in jail since the late Nineties. That was actually pretty cool.
If your clothes were in the dryer and dried and one of them needed to use the dryer, he’d take your clothes out and fold them after he put his clothes in. I told one of them he didn’t need to do that and he told me that in jail you always folded the last guy’s clothes in the dryer before you put yours in. One dude told me after 6 or 7 years in jail the hardest thing to adjust to was how oblivious and disrespectful so many people are.
As a criminal lawyer, I spend pretty much all day wrapped up in that kind of shit. It’s actually one of the biggest perks of the job to me: I get a window into the underworld, get to move around in it a little bit, without actually getting it ON me.
I genuinely like most of my clients. I’ve represented murderers, rapists, thieves, etc., who were very charismatic, friendly, laid back people that would be fun to hang out with. However, I have the ultimate escape route if shit gets weird: “I’m not your friend. I’m your lawyer.”
Living vicariously through other people’s fuck-ups is way better than actually going through that in your own life. I don’t have a bunch of hoodlum friends but I do have some serious fuck-ups that are in my “acquaintance but try to avoid” circle. I use them as an example of what not to do, they’re like walking motivational posters for getting your shit together and staying on the right path.
“I use them as an example of what not to do, they’re like walking motivational posters for getting your shit together and staying on the right path.”
backed tard…. I use the majority of my own peoples for this cuz i find it hilarious how most of my brethren would rather drive a v-8 danali or excursion or F(insert number 1 thru 5)-FITTY w/ rims bigger than thier own apt/house than better than lives with a better credit score, a kickass degree that gets you over 40k a year n shit…. i guess im being too hard on myself n my peoples cuz of the upbringing in the fucken hood n shit but still…
I also use people living on welfare, section-8, and peeps living in the projects for this!! along with people that have no motivation to do someshit with their lives like the local 951/909ers… zing >;-D
That’s what’s up. You can spot a baller on a budget a mile away. If you work at the Boost mobile kiosk in the Lakewood mall, there’s no reason to be rockin’ rims on your ride … even if Snoop sounds rly convincing in that Rent-a-Rims radio spot on Power 106.
My life has been pretty devoid of complete fuck ups, but reading the comments here and the article itself show a level of maturity from this blog and it’s readers that is incredible. People I know see me read SYWH and think why do you read that satirical bullshit? If they took the time to see the depth, intelligence and care put into the subject matter and the constructive and supportive community that is built around the forum and comments section; I’m sure they would see just how great this site is.
White knight as fuck but seriously to everyone who participates in some capacity with this site and the forum; You guys are exemplary of what every online community hopes to achieve.
“The Place Where Butthurt Goes To Die” more true words have never been spoken.
In all honesty, I love the REAL TALK posts more than anything else on the site.
Backed
Wow, thanks dude! That honestly means a lot to me
That was me, not logged in for some reason
way to ruin the moment fggt
I’m related to a bunch of people like this. One dude in particular: heroin addict, completely fucked over his wife and kids, but an awesome guy to talk to and hang out with. Luckily my immediate family dodged that bullet tho
Yep. Shit magnet here and the Sarge always gives the good advice. Im in my early thirts now, and since forever, I have attracted the craziest motherfuckers of all time. Probably always will. I have always acted the same way, almost declaring everytime that I am my own person, have a respectable job etc etc and always partied my ass of with these dudes. Ive found people like this almost look up to people with their shit together, so show them some real friendship without any badassery attached and you will get a friend for life that would destroy any motherfucker that fucks your shit.
Know some tight relatives who got deported for nefarious activity. Feels bad man.
#immigrantproblems
In what state can you be charged when your passenger is holding weapons/drugs? If you were unaware they were holding, the cops have no right to charge you with anything – and if even if you did, it’s not your shit so you’ve done nothing wrong except speed a ‘lil. Is that only true in California?
I have no idea of the law, my point is that even being ARRESTED for something related to guns can be a pretty big deal (even if they drop the charges). For example, Eddie Bravo gets hassled every time he tries to get into Canada over a 15 year-old gun charge that was almost immediately dropped.
He should just tell those maple suckers to pry them from his cold, dead hands!
You guys do realize that criminals are often appear charismatic and “chill” because they’re sociopaths; they don’t give a fuck about you but by being nice they can get stuff from you. Anyone who thinks that rapists and murders can be “chill” is profoundly confused about what being “chill” is. Never trust a rapist, lol!
Not everyone who’s a fucked up criminal is a sociopath brah.
Not saying I’d spend time with rapists and murderers, but I know people who’ve gotten charged for stabbing people, and they’re the furthest thing from sociopathic.
I’m kinda a Fuck up/scumbag, but I don’t think I’m in deep enough yet for these rules to apply to me. Example: whenever a friend finds out i write, or experiment with drugs and they try to get down with me by either going to bomb with me or offering to do lines with me I never let em. I enjoy the life i live but i don’t want me friends to follow the same path cuz i feel like they can’t balance it with their daily lives. like i can party hard the night before, bomb the city, run from the cops then still get up early next morning, make it to work. work all day, call my mom, hang with my girl and do it all over again. I don’t think my friends could do that if i let them smoke jeffery’s with me, i feel like they’d just turn into junkies.
Do not ever let yourself think “They only do fucked up shit to OTHER people, they’d never do anything to ME.”
Dont try to be down
GOOD ADVICE