Since mankind has invented math, they have used numbers to judge the attractiveness of people, usually for blind dates or friends of friends showing up to parties or when scoping out an area full of drunk people. But as I have often encountered, many people’s ranking of 1-10 highly differ from each other, making a 6 fine for some, and totally undateable to another, a 7 average, a 10 fairly common, etc. Its one of the huge problems ruining this country.
So I totally wanted to do a huge study with a cute psych major girl to find a scientific solution to developing an accurate foolproof ranking system for everyone. But then we would fall in love and in her like dissertation she writes about how looks don’t matter and throws the whole thing out. Then they’d make a movie about us starring my celebrity crush Lacey Chabert (or more realistically my C-list celebrity crush Olivia Olson <3), and it would totally get played on Lifetime like twice a day. But that probably won’t happen, so I made a list of a basic explanation of the shit anyway.
Like everything in life, hotness follows a normal distribution. By far most people are 5′s, like 60% of people are between 4 and 6, and then like 95% of people are between 2 and 8. You got an extra five percent for those 1′s and 9′s, like the ugliest and hottest people that could exist, and I’m working on the theory that each person has a single 10 and a single 0 out there for them. My ten would be fine as fuck Melanie Iglesias, but that depends on personal objectivity which we’ll get into later. Pretty much everyone you meet is a 4, 5, or 6, with most of them being 5′s. You’ll be lucky to run into some 9′s that aren’t famous, and there are entirely different scales when you’re just talking about famous people.
What’s important to remember is that everything is different depending on what you are looking at. Country by country levels differ, state by state, different age groups, just celebrities, just Asian girls, etc. A 6 in Alabama may be an 8 in Uzbekistan, really it depends on what you into and what you’re used to. The one thing that I learned from economics is that if there are at least thirty people, you got a normal distribution, so any less than that and your scale becomes skewed. A factor which totally influences the cheerleader effect, nerdbating, and generally just drunk hook-ups in small bars. The less people you have, the hotter the hot ones seem, which can be used to an advantage or can just fuck with you.
One of the main points I wanted to research with a cute psych major before we would fall in love would be the subjectivity of attractiveness to different people. Working on a theory that breaks down beauty kind of like this:
Essentially, there is pretty, cute and hot. Pretty would encompass like solid faces, general good symmetric features; hot would be more emphasis on the body and sex appeal; and cute has to do with appearance, but also a little more to do with attitude and how someone acts rather than just looks. Together they influence what we see as attractive in different ways. Because I look for cute, then hot, then pretty, I would rank Ariana Grande highest, cause she’s off the charts cute. Someone with more emphasis on pretty would likely rate Victoria Justice pretty high. Different people will have different rankings for the same person, tho they should always be pretty close within the same range. I need to do a lot of research in this area, but this google search seems to indicate that I’m on to something:
Also I think some cultural factors may be in play, most white girls are just pretty, more Asian girls are cute, etc. That could use some testing tho. And since cute returns a lot of young girls, there may be another factor (something like Elegance?) that men into older women look for instead, not sure on that either. I made up one for dudes too, but this is where having a female (or gay dude) partner would really come in handy:
Basically the same, handsome is about the face and features like pretty; hot is just about them aesthetics; and smooth is about how you carry yourself, the secret to how old dudes still pulling young women (also money). But again, these probably need some like Harvard-level legit studies to be done before they’re taken too seriously.
One last thing that keeps the scale working for everyone is to remain as objective as possible. When you judge someone 1-10 its just about their looks, and the better you know them the more skewed your rating of them will be. There is zero personality at play here, ranking people by how they are as a person is something you can never really fully do because you can’t know them well enough. You can only do superficial stuff like body image and looks. Its always best to go with your immediate first impression, which can by altered by day, what they’re wearing, your mood, their mood, lots of things.
Also, never tell someone what your number for them is either, it just leads to problems. If forced, just give them an eight no matter what to keep them happy. And of course looks aren’t everything, I think we’ve all seen enough TV to know that good looks won’t lead to happiness, its like charity and being a good person I think. So yeah, don’t read too much into this, if you’re self-conscious there are tons of ways to improve how you look, you just gotta put the work in. And even then, no matter how you look there’s gonna be someone who’ll be feelin you, especially if you can like you know, talk to people. The world’s fattest man has been married twice, both to some pretty fine Latinas, I saw it on Discovery Channel I think, he lives in Mexico and seems like a pretty chill dude. I’mma embed a feel-good Recess episode on this subject to close it out.
Everything’s better with your friends!