Hello, attractive reader of SYWH. Are you too successful in your daily life? Do you sexually storm the genital castle of anyone you desire? Do you have your shit well and truly together?! Are you tired of drowning in respect, money, and pussy?! (man pussy if you’re a lady, I guess…mussy) If your answer to all of these questions was a resounding “who are you?” well then let me be your guide to a world that will thunderfuck the shit out of your boring, happy life: tabletop gaming!
Stay away, girls!
Hero Quest is the gateway drug into tabletop gaming; at least it was for me. It is the foreplay to further geekery…the clumsy teenage handjob, if you will (Clumsy Teenage Handjob is the name of my pornogrind band BTDubs).
SadFact: I definitely played this game by myself in the basement when I was a child because my “normie” friends weren’t interested. My parents were probably super stoked on what a winner I was absolutely going to turn out to be.
Good luck finding this game anywhere besides eBay. Be ready to pay out the ass for it. However, it would totally be worth the price. Hero Quest is a stripped down version of Dungeons and Dragons (which I REFUSE to put in is post!). You rock whatever pre-made class you want and then rage with some of your best bros, slaying skeletons and goblins amidst high fives and and crucial MtnDew slams.
Looking back, this game was pretty advanced level as far as RPGs aimed at children went. You had to DM each campaign via setting up the rooms, objects, and monsters. You were definitely rolling for damage: rolling a “skull” on the die was good! The game came with character sheets that required you to track your stats, items, etc. I believe that I kinda just said: “fuck it” to the pre-made quests most of the time and just went on monster hunts. How did my parents not just drive me out into the country, throw a copy of TMNT: The Arcade Game out into a field, and then drive off when I gave chase?
Wizards of the Coast released some Dungeons and Dragons board games in the past few years and they are essentially the spiritual successor to Hero Quest. When I found this out, I definitely installed the cum app if you know what I mean (I came a bunch). If you want to have some nerdy fun with some friends, yet don’t want to go full on Sweatpants, I can’t recommend the DnD board games enough. They’re well made, super balanced, and a great way to dominate a Saturday night. Just make sure you hide them away in the closet lest your GF think you’re a pedo. If she finds them though, that’s cool. By then you should already have the clown mask on and the door to your Silence of the Lambs basement wide open.
Munchkin/other card-based games
Upon playing, target has 30% – 50% chance to contract condition: Theatre Major
I never really played a whole lot of card-based RPGs because they kind seemed like playing “just the tip” with a human lady. If you’re going to go at all, you might as well go the whole way. As that practice has lead me to no less than 7 paternity suits dick-wise, so to will it lead you to much more fulfilling tabletop endeavors game-wise.
Munchkin (and to a lesser extent, its 8,000 spin-offs), stands out as being a mildly entertaining cooperative/competitive nerdy card game. It is best deployed if you’re going to hang out with some normie, yet dork-sympathetic friends due to the game’s light RPG nature, humor, and the fact that it’s easy to learn. You can chuckle to yourself and pop rad boners inside your Symphony X sweatpants as you, and you alone revel in the brilliant satire that Munchkin levels at the “traditional RPG.” Plus, if you’re good at it/lucky, you can troll the shit out of your friends until you drive them all away. Speaking of no friends…
Magic: The Gathering
Tee hee! Aren’t I quirky?!
Risk/Axis&Allies/other strategy insomnia cures
I tried playing Axis & Allies once and it put me to sleep so fast that I woke up screaming “rape!” because I was positive that was about to happen because I’ll be damned if strategy games aren’t roofies. Surprisingly, my tender bottom wasn’t decimated, but, in hindsight, that might have been preferable to the 2 hours of “sweet shit, I don’t care, take my land!” that followed.
Are strategy board games right for you? If you fall under any of the following categories, yes, yes they are:
- 35+ white male
- a white male with liberal-leaning interests (metal, horror movies, comics, etc.) yet consistently votes Republican
- a white male who self-identifies as a Libertarian and can keep a straight face
- you watch Band of Brothers at least once a year…oh and you’re a white dude
So there you have it. Strategy games are racist. Proved it. Science.
Every heavy metal album cover happening at once.
Do u even paint miniatures, bro?
Most people know Warhammer as “the game that ripped off Gears of War” or “that Bolt Thrower album.” However, Warhammer is way down the rabbit hole of geekdom. If Hero Quest was handjobs, Warhammer and its ilk are feverish missionary followed by advanced-level “butt stuff.” A hybrid of RPG attention to detail and strategy’s rock-paper-scissor combat, Warhammer goes hard in the “nerding the fuck out category. Bros can get CRAZY when it comes to accessorizing. Both cringe-worthy and awesome at the same time, all the set pieces, scenery, and units you can drop money on is staggering. Personally, I absolutely LOVE all the attention to detail that goes into the miniatures and landscapes for these types of games. I dig the art style of the Warmachine figures more than I do Warhammer; sacrilege, I know!
Warning: If you are going to get into Warhammer, make sure your significant other is ok with a ton of nerd shit lying around the house. The more organized you can get all the figures etc. and the classier you can display all the stuff, the better. Nothing kills the nesting instinct faster than: “No! You can’t put a breakfast nook there! That’s where my Blood Ravens live!!1! You totally have to brace yourself for the stigma and prejudice that comes with having a nerdy hobby that has immediately quantifiable evidence of how much you’re into it. Luckily, this shouldn’t be a problem with wifeable/husband able people (yet you need to beat an AC of 18 to not have it be an absolute deal-breaker for dumb, gutstab-and-forget fodder). Just remember: moderation, maturity, responsibility. With those things in mind, you can meltagun the shit out of some orks without having to sacrifice ever touching someone else’s genitals again.
There is no real efficient way for me to even describe how you play this game within the confines of this post so here are two videos that will get you well on your way!:
Dungeons and Dragons
Tee hee! I was just kidding earlier about not mentioning this game (I’m a rascal!). Dungeons and Dragons is the granddaddy of all things RPG. If you haven’t heard of it, you aren’t human. Every RPG you have played on your Gamebox 540 has been influenced by D&D in some way. The main appeal of the game is how much it requires you to use your imagination and to BECOME your character. One of the coolest things that D&D changed my perception of is “what motivates my character?” Most video games have a pretty laughable black-and-white morality system that engages you, mentally, as far as: “well, I’m gonna kill those orphans because I want to unlock the achievement for ‘baddest guy of all the guys’ or whatever-the-fuck.” If you have a Dungeon Master worth a damn, they will make sure you play your character within their alignment and according to your stats. For example, say you’re someone like myself: a smooth-talking, witty sonofagun in real life yet you are playing a character with a charisma of 5. It doesn’t matter how many quips you can come up with to jibe the innkeeper with, your character is an AIDSy hobo that knows two words: “mudrape” and “mungthrust.” Basically, the game engages you and challenges you to truly ROLE PLAY.
Finding a solid band of bros to quest with can be a bit tricky, especially if you are some in their late 20′s/early 30′s looking to get into gaming. Many local comic shops will have “tabletop gaming nights.” You could luck out and find some age-appropriate, casual players looking to start a campaign as well as guide you gently through your first time, but chances are you’ll find walking Aspergers case studies who have no time for newbies and they’ll turn you off immediately from ever playing D&D. Constant vigilance, friend! My advice is to try and get your friends in on it. The D&D board games I mentioned earlier are a great gateway drug. Playing with friends is always better than playing with strangers, anyway. The biggest hurdle you’ll face, being a group of new players, is that someone is going to have to step up and be the Dungeon Master. This can be intimidating but it is not impossible. Also, D&D can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be; you can play at a pace that is comfortable for you. No nerd with eczema and a “witty” Snorg Tees tshirt is going to bust into your house and give you a citation for “playing wrong.” If I do show up, don’t worry, you could TOTALLY beat me up.