Don’t get me wrong, I like answering questions about teen angst, but as an upper middle-class professional and semi-douche, THIS is the kind of question that is relevant to my lief! (srs) If you are too young and/or poor for this to be relevant to your life, print it out and pin it on your wall… it will give you something to aspire to while you toil away at community college:
Let’s face it, all luxury cars are more or less the same in terms of price and features (via the invisible hand), and only blue collar poors care about performance, so choosing one is really about answering the question of, “I know I’m a douche, but what specific kind of douche, and what vehicle will best communicate that to the world??”
There’s nothing wrong with a beemer by any means. They are great cars. It’s just that they’re so… entry-level :/ Sort of like if someone tells you Suiside Silence is their favorite band. They’re a solid band and all but REALLY, of ALL the bands you chose THAT one?? Basically, a 3-series is the default car for bros who want to announce that they’re ‘doing rly well for themselves,’ but are too dumb and lazy to give it any more thought, so I would say steer clear of them if you don’t wear Dockers. Avoid BMW until you can get an M3 or M5.
I personally like this brand a lot, but the fact is that it’s on the bottom rung of the luxury car ladder. Buying an Infiniti is pretty dumb, because you are essentially paying a premium for a luxury car that nobody will know is a luxury car. Bro: “Nice Altima, what year is it??” You: “Acualy is Infinititi” Bro: “Oh, my bad… *awkward pause* That’s cool.”
PS- I do have a weakness for the 96-00 G20 though. If you are an poor, you can get them for super cheap these days and you’ll still look more rich than you do in that burgundy ’98 Saturn you bought from your older brother (weathered Screeching Weasel sticker still in the back window)
Lettuce be cereal: Audis are luxury cars for betas. It’s the default ‘first big purchase’ for every fggt who gets promoted to Sr Graphic Designer, finally has a little spare cash, and trades in the Jetta they’ve had since art school. If you doubted that Audis are pure fail, consider that indie girls will want to fuck you for driving one, as opposed to the disgusted roll of the eyes you’ll get from them if you roll up in a Lexus or Mercedes (ie, a REAL luxury car).
If you are into being a magnet for high-waisted denim shorts and giant bushes then definitely get an Audi, but otherwise stick with a ride that says ‘I’m a shallow, materialistic shithead and if you want to fuck me you better have a freshly-bleached asshole because believe me I will notice if you don’t.’
It’s not just a great stripper name, ‘Mercedes’ is also shorthand for ‘I’m a rich asshole; deal with it you poor faggot.’ In other words, a great choice of luxury car! Yes, the fact that it’s a European brand knocks it down a few notches, but I feel like all the tanks they built for the Nazis offset any of the negative aspects of the brand’s heritage. Just don’t get one of the convertibles, unless you want people to think you are a homosexual or an anorexic MILF.
Being a Lexus owner doesn’t just say that you’re a rich douchelord who is into displaying their wealth, but also that you are kind of conservative and uptight, which is obviously an awesome combination. I personally love the idea of rolling up to a THE STORY SO FAR show in a white LS460 with tan interior and all the little tr00 pop-punk fggts rolling their eyes because they think I’m their boring asshole uncle who sells insurance, then them being even more annoyed and disgusted when I roll down the window, turn down the new EMMURE joint I’m blasting via the USB connection to Spotify as my azn disinterestedly shops for a new $2500 couch from DWR on her phone, and ask them if they have change for a $100 bill so I can tip the valet before I pick up my tickets (guest list, of course).
PS- miss u IS300, what a dope fucking car :(
Seeing as how I just purchased my second TSX (traded in my 05 for a 2012), I am clearly a big Acura fan. Like Lexus, the brand combines multiple layers of douchiness: a sturdy foundation of uptight boringness (via your asshole uncle’s car), but with roots in Fast & The Furious-style import tuner culture (via every 19 year old aznbro on the west coast driving an Integra or Vigor in the 90s). I like to think of it this powerful combo as custom-mixed fggt repellent!
Also, I love when people are like “Dude why would you buy an Acura, it’s just a Honda- you’re basically paying an extra $10K just for the logo,” because they are right. And that’s exactly what makes luxury cars so great: they tell everyone you have enough money you can waste it on useless status symbols.
What is your favorite kind of luxury car?? Are you spoiled by the world-class customer service of luxury dealerships? How lulzy is it when poors try to tell you luxury cars are overpriced, as though being overpriced isn’t the entire point??? Do you get embarrassed when you travel for work, rent a car, and it has a cloth interior?