Lollapalooza Review from a Bro who didn’t rlly wanna go

Ayoo, so Lollapalooza is some music festival in Chicago that is best known for having the lowest concentration of hippies in any music festival (cite needed). I saw the lineup this year was all like ‘ehhhhh’ and didn’t even think about going, then my bro hit me up with a free ticket, and I was off that weekend, so I figured why not? Lemme break down how that shit played out:

Day 1:

We got there at like 12ish to check out my boy Wax, who I had previously never heard a second song from. He opened with that one above, and shit was funny, chill, lots of weeds was smoked all around, thought about banging a girl with 8 of my bros (would). Good times, and then he played that Rosana song and no fly bitches came out :/ but it was still chill, I might go get one of his mixtapes but I’ll probs keep forgetting.
We went to the dubstep stage which was pretty massive and pretty awesome. White Panda was spinning mashup jams, and later we saw Zedd and Porter Robinson just drop basses everyfuckingwhere. If you don’t like dubstep now you gotta go see that shit live, that’s the environment it was made for, sweaty crowds of white people dancing awkwardly as possible.

This was when I noticed like a record number of high-waisted shorts, seriously bummed me out. They look gross normally, but these girls had those on with just like a flowery tube top they bought at goodwill, and a lot of them were sitting down, even grosser. I’m hoping that trend peaked. And I saw a ton of bros in obscure basketball jerseys, hoping that trend just started. Favorites were Kevin Garnett tWolves, Turkoglu Kings, Derrick Rose Simian high school, Grant Hill Pistons, and Shane Battier classic Memphis jersey. Glad I wore my Orlando Shaq jersey instead of a cliche Rose/Jordan one, cause there were a shit ton of those (GO BULLS). New goal in life is to get a Vancouver Grizzlies jersey for cheap off Ebay, gotta keep checkin back.

We chilled out and saw lady indie pop band Metric, walked by the set of Himalayan mountain born Helena who was killing sweet pop jams, but only has one song released now, so that sucks. Then me and my bro took naps during the Shins and waited to see Wale while our other friends (a bunch of fggts) went to see Sabbath wheel themselves back out on stage. Lucky for us, Wale was ridiculous.

Me and my bro were front row, and he played like 70% ignant, 30% slow songs for the ladies, best set of the weekend. Dude jumped into the crowd right on top of me, around 2:40 when it cuts off but you couldn’t see him on the other side of the stage anyway, but it was craazy hyped. ALso me my bro were grinding with a legit 9.5 girl that spent most of the time trying to get backstage to bang Wale. Now that is a quality hoe, giant titties and a sweet ass. I don’t think she ever got back there, but she was fine enough, and I’m gonna tell everyone she was grinding on us then went back to fuck Wale. Props to her.

Day 2:

It rained this day, and we didn’t want to see anyone til like six (second day you give less of a fuck always) so we played Game of Things until they were letting people back in and we got to see the Weeknd play a shorter set like an hour late. Tons of bitches and chill vibes everywhere, and lots of mud. Then me and my bro saw Bloc Party cause I think British accents are funny, and like four songs of Red Hot Chili Peppers. The crowd was fucking massive, like a half mile square of people, most of them smelly and covered in mud. But Otherside is a good ass song and I got to hear that before half-heartedly walking away.

We dipped to groove to some smooth and sexy Frank Ocean, dude killed it, just got one hell of a voice and picked out some sick studio guys for his band. Want to see him again cause his set was pretty short, but he was one of the best I saw. There were gay dudes grinding right in front of us during this song, and then they just left, right when I thought they were getting into it. It was weird. Probably most weed I’ve seen in a crowd was during this show, which would explain how the crowd was so chill.

Day 3:

We got there at like 4 in time to see J Cole, who’s a rapper I dig, but all his songs are about either fuckin bitches or how underrated he is. Dude really has to diversify his shit, almost fell asleep. Then we saw Yuna, hands down cutest set of the night, I downloaded her album when I got home, hoping it lives up to her live cuteness and has some jams. She did not play that Franky O cover (prolly cause he was just there) but that’s the reason I heard of her.

We saw Lawrence and his Machines cause the girl with us was really into them and no one cared about At the Drive In. Their front woman girl lady chick was a lot less frumpy than I thought she’d be, and I love British accent so it was chill. Plus there were a ton of hot ladies (in non high-waisted shorts with big tits) which is a plus for any show. We ditched after they played that one jam to see Zed’s Dead, and I can’t really tell any of the dubstep people apart but there guys were my favorite. Crazy hyped show and there was a mud puddle in the middle of the crowd with people just throwing shit around. It was wild, so many mud covered rave girls, who I already have a weakness for.

Ended the night with Childish Gambino (black dude from Community’s rap name) kinda reluctantly cause I just saw him in May, but my bros wanted to go so we did. Ended up grinding with a fly Asian girl the entire hour long set so I didn’t even notice that he played like exact same songs as a few months back. Also didn’t get her name or number. But that was the highlight of my night.

She went buckwild during this song. My dick is still sore.

So yeah, moral of the story is go to a music festival cause they are fun and there are tons of slutty hot girls there who are drunk or high. But don’t pay for a ticket or see unfun bands, you’ll be wasting time. And all the food is way jackeddd up. And dubstep is the future for live music. Yeah. Peace!