I had this idea sitting in my brain box for a hot minute, but then SYWH writer/hilarious dude, jorbam, wrote the SYWH/Louie Guide to Dating Indie Girls, and I felt compelled to finish out my thoughts on the matter (re: stop being a lazy brown dude).
The theory of pop culture being cyclical can pretty much apply to everyday life. Tumblr is a great example of how very little peoples’ attitudes have changed over the years. There’s not much that distinguishes it from Makeout Club, Only Undies Club, Livejournal, or some random Geocities/Angelfire pages. Tumblr has been an easy way for me to post songs from Spotify and find other dorks who are seeking out the Billy Ripkin Fuckface card, however, it’s also been a good reminder that when it comes to punx girls, the best way to approach them is not at all.
["I was born in the wrong decade"]
Let me start this by saying that I’ve dated (or, in one case, married) my share of punx and the story always ends the same: they’ll move on to some other band dude and will take your record collection. Also, we’re at an age that if someone is still classifying themselves, be it “punx,” “emos,” “edge,” or “whateverthefuck,” then chances are, they’re probably a douche. Still, I bet all y’all are going to fuck punx (dudes and ladies) anyway, so let me at least help you cushion the blow a bit (pause) by showing what you’re in for:
[That beer looks Photoshopped. Also crusties won't pay for that shit]
Smelly, perpetually drunk and/or high, and have a penchant for patches and studs on EVERYTHING. They’re pretty good for engaging with in loud mouth politics and dumpster diving behind Dunkin’ Donuts, but that shit gets old super fast. There are only so many times that you’ll want to sleep on the floor of a warehouse that they’re squatting in. If you have a job, it’s even worse because they’ll openly criticize you having one, while simultaneously having to pick up the check for shit you can’t find in a dumpster.
Cornerstone topics: Crass, vegan bakeries, anti-Reagan songs, hitchhiking
Liberal Arts Punx
[No, I don't want to hear your sexpositive noisecore band. Do I ask you if you want to stick your face near the muffler of my car?]
Do you like every release from No Idea and K Records? Have a Bikini Kill tattoo? Then you’ll love these people! Made up entirely of 19-21 year old kids who are still in college who swear by the works of Bukowski and Rollins. Many of these kids will continue this habit well into their late-20s, when they turn to chunky balding bearded dudes who agree with pro white feminist rhetoric, solely for the purpose of banging those who subscribe to that. They often will deride anyone and everyone who has a differing opinion, while loudly stating (in all caps) that they have the right to free speech. They typically have a cause that is anchored by gender or class issues, but refuse to believe that non-whites exist. Usually closet racists who ironically love M.I.A. Basically, proto-hipsters in training.
Cornerstone topics: Latterman, the works of Kathleen Hanna and Calvin Johnson, not shaving your pits, period sex, dudes with beards, online punx comix, Twin Peaks
[U jelly? Prolly]
They buy records at Hot Topic and shop at the Gap. By and large they’re harmless. If you’re a real stickler about correcting people when they call “Take This to Your Grave” Fall Out Boy’s first album, then you might hate them. But whatever, as you get older, these people seem more attractive because they really could give two shits that you have an OG pressing of Earth Crisis’s cassette demo. They will generally agree about your distaste for the lack of breakdowns in Four Year Strong’s last record and love A Day to Remember as much as you, but just be prepared to hear lots of stuff by the Wonder Years, Set Your Goals, and Tigers Jaw.
Cornerstone topics: Sales at H&M and Urban Outfitters, jokes about Cartel, New Found Glory still being awesome, Absolutepunk, Easycore
[Basically all of Tumblr, yet I find that a pic of Chris Carrabba is always relevant given the subject matter of all things emotional]
A hybrid of Liberal Arts Punx and Mall Punks, Emo Punx is what happens when kids who started with Drive Thru graduate to Polyvinyl. Because of the crossover, the majority of their current playlists are made of up srscore/nu-Risecore/tr00 bands like Seahaven, Gaslight Anthem, and Allison Weiss, but they are also prone to wax romantic about the heyday of old Taking Back Sunday, Brand New, Starting Line, and Matchbook Romance. For the most part, they’re pretty fun to hang out with when talking about old shit, but once they get drunk and start talking about a crop of new bands that all sort of sound the same, or show off their “meaningful 2 meeehhhh” Lifetime tattoo. They will also be dismissive (but secretly be jealous) of when you talk about seeing the Promise Ring and Superchunk play some crappy hippie festival in 2001.
Cornerstone topics: 90s bands, karaoke, Bob Dylan, recalling basement shows (despite never having been to one), Freaks and Geeks
Do you like dating punx? Why do Liberal Arts Punx let you PIITB when Mall Punks won’t? Does this list (and having a gf) prevent me from asking Ramsey Beyer out on a date? Is a Burning Angel video just liek real lyf?