In the awkward world of taking band promos, there are many separate paths you can go down and none of them are less bad than the one before it. Today we’re going to go over all of the different options and explain how each of them will make you look like a total butthole but IN DIFFERENT, SPECIAL WAYS! So grab the nearest 15-year-old girl with an SLR and LET’S TAKE SOME PROMOS!
1. THE FIELD/WOODS
As a band member, you’re going to want everything you release as a band to reflect on who you are as a collective group of people, so why not show everyone how much you “rly care bout deep stuf liek naychur” by posing with your bros in the middle of a field? If you’ve chosen THE FIELD, it’s already a given that you’re wearing tank tops/v-necks and toms and that you’ve got a great start to becoming the absolute *best Risecore band you could possibly be. You can do practically the exact same thing while being in the middle of THE WOODS and RAILROAD TRACKS. The problem is that walking into the woods takes longer and you’re going to have to listen to your fat bass player whine the entire way, which is why most bands end up in the field right outside of the woods. THE FIELD today is the standard location for local bands that really don’t know what they’re doing but it’s enough to get by and make 15-year-olds with feathers in their hair think you’re super cool for liking nature, just don’t forget to cross your arms! GO YOU.
If you see a band pretending to think nature is cool or whatever, odds are one of the ex-scene kid/now “Native American” kids will have one of these. Yuck.
2. ABANDONED LOOKING STUFF
Okay, so you had a near-death experience and had the profound thought that maybe there’s more to band promos than standing with your arms crossed like some kind of angry, douchelord butthole in the middle of a field with your friends. But although you’ve been enlightened, you’re still unsure of where to go. Suddenly, you remember that little crackhouse by your step-dad’s apartment complex and think “WOAH! THAT SURE WOULD BE A NEATO PLACE TO POSE AROUND BROKEN GLASS N STUFF.” What you haven’t thought about is that your band is made up of 5-6 skinny-fat teenagers and there could be a wild pack of homeless people (who are all above getting rabies shots) whose home you have just invaded. Offer them your fat bassist as a human virgin sacrifice and bail out.
Here’s a new picture of Attack Attack looking dad as fuck in some abandoned looking place.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
3. THE WACKY “CANDID” PIC THAT “ U TOTLY WEREN’T EXPECTIN!!”
So you’ve graduated after having the epiphany that both of the above are the most overdone, awful things in the world. So to try and save yourself from the awkward, tough “guise.. cross ur arms to r im just gunna look dumb….” phase, just kick back like a wacky group of NORMAL FRIENDS doing all kinds of loony NORMAL GUY STUFF*! (*ZANY POSES THAT WILL MAKE 14-YEAR-OLD “RaNdOm” SCENE GIRLS THINK YOU’RE THE MOST HILARIOUS/CUTE/WACKY/FUN/DINOSAURRAWRHEARTETCETCETC GUYS EVER). So if this is the approach you’re going for, just fix that hair, “act natural,” and stick out that tongue! It’s time to grow that (primarily) 13-year-old female fanbase!
look how RANDOM and ZANY this shot was! NONE OF THEM WERE EXPECTING THIS PIC AT ALL!!!!
I CAN ALMOST SMELL ALL THE NATURAL FUN BEING HAD FROM HERE!
THE FUTURE OF BAND PROMOS
As all of you should know by now, the way bands act fluctuates between “omg zany random fun-luving bros” and “guise.. stop smilig we r her bc we hav imprntn msgz & itz our duty to delivr thm 2 ppl wit no smilin” (See D’s post: http://www.metalsucks.net/2012/01/04/2012-state-of-the-scene-address-its-cool-to-be-tr00/). Right now, we’re in our tr00est of tr00, uptight phase of the dad haircut and srs promos, which means within the next 5-8 years, everyone will leave the no-fun-club and start looking happy to be in a band again. However, there will be some kids that are so un-fun that they can’t even fake it for promos and they will probably do some post-modern, ironic shots of them in a graveyard (so sorta still nature) while being super deep and anti-fun. However, the majority will go back to bright clothing, overly-excited, wacky faces/antics and ppl everywhere will be posi once more.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM PARTICIPATING IN BAND PROMOS:
BANDS:
*Imagine that you’re the frontman of a band. The guitarist is in the middle of a solo that lasts about 20 minutes and you’ve run out of things to do onstage to further embarrass yourself and you’re just kind of quietly standing there waiting for it to be over. That is taking promos.
*When taking pictures in THE WOODS, remember: bears are in there and will definitely try to eat that keyboardist you have in the band that you definitely do not need. Or the fat bassist.
*KEEP IN MIND: No band has ever posted pictures of someone in their group being eaten by a bear in the middle of the woods, so if you were to do that, you’d earn instant XmetalX points and I/evryone would totes listen to you.
*No fun.
PROTOGRAPHERS:
*Be prepared for the most un-fun/awk hour of your lief. You’re standing in a field, sweating and probably being eaten alive by ants taking pictures of a bunch of troo assholes with their arms crossed glaring at you. Don’t expect it to b any better than that.
*If anything were to go wrong during a shoot (snakes in the field/rabid homeless people in abandoned houses/etc) just offer the fat bassist as a sacrifice and bail the fuck out.
*Taking pictures of bands is a lot like taking pictures of your parents making out, except that band promos are a little bit worse.
*Be 15.
*Again, no fun.
ADDITIONAL NOTES:
*If you’re British, it doesn’t matter where you take promos as long as your female target audience already knows you’re British.
I would try to close this whole thing with a re-cap or something, but the thing is, no band guy reading this right now will ever make a catchier song than the new Taylor Swift jam, so I’m just gonna leave that here along with some more sweet promos I found.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcMn_Eu-XTE]
I think these ones might be an Asking Alexandria cover band (srs)
You just aren’t metal until your mom gives you permission to light the old living room furniture on fire in the backyard with your pals.
What is the worst place to take promos? Why do band guys like looking like srs buttholes in their band pix? Have u ever taken promos? Do you love this shit? Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous?
have done all of these. glad to know good band promo pictures do not exist tho.
This was genuinely relieving to know, I feel like a burden has just been taken off of my chest. My band promos were doomed to fail along with the rest.
nah, two weeks ago or so metalsucks posted a sleep promo photo that was one of the best things ever
All valid, lolable points
+5 Bonus ethnically conscious points for black ppl in your promo.
Cumulative effect for each additional negro.
+ another 5 for dat pocho asking alexandria cover band lolz
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=463395237013516&set=a.206295969390112.52124.128887850464258&type=1&theater
“Pønk”
legit lol @ all the members from the second picture wearing “Arkaik” clothing.
IMO Psykotic Melody (http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/2012/08/the-laws-of-band-promos/310197_1/) are some bros on a fast track to the next level in self promotion.
Other than them, and Acrid Intent, there is no way for me to identify what band all these other bros are affiliated with. Sure, they’re breaking the long established Iron Maiden Rule, but in today’s shifting markets and emergent social media networking portals of interfacement, we have to re-establish the usual best practices boilerplate in order to sustainably grow our social and and brand identities.
This post was hilarious, please do more
Bactard.
Particularly loved the fat bassist jokes. (But of course, all good things in moderation.)
He seems a bit bitter, do you think a bassist found his fucking bitch and fucked her right in front of him?plsrspnd
Great post
Such a good post. <3
A+ post
Band member’s heads/necks in space.
http://www.metal-archives.com/images/3/5/4/0/3540322423_photo.jpg
Was too fascinated by the ?????? image to not go and find the band. They’re called Shotgun Surprise and sound as bad as that name implies. http://www.reverbnation.com/shotgunsurprise
girl in the band seems cute, but would be one of those ” Amy Lee iz a real poet not Nicki Minaj” type of girl.
this post simply speaks the truth. the vocalist in my band was trying to get us to do a photoshoot in some abandoned house (he’s not very original). i cringed at the idea but i was interested in that at least we could have spray painted stupid stuff on the walls behind us like our band name in cholo font and “LIARS, FILTS, AND SCAMBAGS,,, THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT HAS ARRIVE!!!” while we stood around like srs-fggts.
btw, other promo cliches to discuss in future posts: dramatic lighting, bad photoshop, SNOWY fields, costumes… [ADD YOUR OWN!]
Worst band promo that I can think of is the one by Vampires Everywhere!
“DINOSAURRAWRHEARTETCETCETC GUYS EVER”
THIS.
I used to legit know scene girls that have texted me something exactly like that, being completely serious.
Great post! Keep em coming
Did you impale their vagina’s with your dino dick?
My favourites are Psykotic Melody and Acrid Intent.
Baddest asses in all the land
Hilarious!
What’s with the way all the dudes in the Asking Alexandra pic are leaning on each other?
dude- i was in a band where we took promo shots in a field * and* an abandoned looking stairwell during the same shoot. the photographer also had a fake accent after having lived in europe for a semester.
havent been in a band since.
I’ve done a promo shoot in a CEMETERY. There were woods and everything!
Off topic here.. What happened to the forum?
there is a link to the forum above. you should try clicking it.
Why did you have to say it in a way that completely embarrassed me? I tried to google it last night and it said the forum was removed.. idk, all that aside.. it has been months! thanks for pointing me in the right direction.
i didnt mean 2 shame u, sorry brah ♥
I tried to find a promo pic of any band that is good & lovely but failed :(
Promo pic cannot have the ability???
Like others above me said, this makes me feel way less embarassed about my highschool deathcore bands’ promos. This post was my life at 16/17 :(
I hate my band’s promo shoots cos I hate the ancIent, typIcal “expressIonless angry fags In a warehouse full of dead pIgeons” concept wIth a passIon. but how can a band do a shoot that Isnt douchey and Is orIgInal enough for people to look at you In a good lIght? pls respond
I struggled with the idea for a while, and this is the best my band could think of. No fields/woods/abandoned stuff/train trax/angry faces/etc. http://tinypic.com/r/14bp1rp/6
Also, idk if its like this everywhere but parking garages/vacant walgreen’s parking lots seem to be a favorite in south Florida for some reason.
Moar liek “THE LAWLS OF BAND PROMOS”, amirite?
yo! three down from the taylor swift video is my roommate’s brother’s glam metal band. they’re actually p. sweet!
http://www.facebook.com/NastyHabitKills
i lolled so hard at all of this. our guitarist is actually like that. not the bassist. we clled him a black pear (hes black btw). i live adgacent to a cemetary, golfcourse and wooded huge park all on the same corner which my house is on. i was thinking golfcore pics anyone? XD
That Taylor Swift song is complete garbage. More so than any of her other songs which says a lot. It is almost Black Eyed Peas bad.