In the awkward world of taking band promos, there are many separate paths you can go down and none of them are less bad than the one before it. Today we’re going to go over all of the different options and explain how each of them will make you look like a total butthole but IN DIFFERENT, SPECIAL WAYS! So grab the nearest 15-year-old girl with an SLR and LET’S TAKE SOME PROMOS!
1. THE FIELD/WOODS
As a band member, you’re going to want everything you release as a band to reflect on who you are as a collective group of people, so why not show everyone how much you “rly care bout deep stuf liek naychur” by posing with your bros in the middle of a field? If you’ve chosen THE FIELD, it’s already a given that you’re wearing tank tops/v-necks and toms and that you’ve got a great start to becoming the absolute *best Risecore band you could possibly be. You can do practically the exact same thing while being in the middle of THE WOODS and RAILROAD TRACKS. The problem is that walking into the woods takes longer and you’re going to have to listen to your fat bass player whine the entire way, which is why most bands end up in the field right outside of the woods. THE FIELD today is the standard location for local bands that really don’t know what they’re doing but it’s enough to get by and make 15-year-olds with feathers in their hair think you’re super cool for liking nature, just don’t forget to cross your arms! GO YOU.
If you see a band pretending to think nature is cool or whatever, odds are one of the ex-scene kid/now “Native American” kids will have one of these. Yuck.
2. ABANDONED LOOKING STUFF
Okay, so you had a near-death experience and had the profound thought that maybe there’s more to band promos than standing with your arms crossed like some kind of angry, douchelord butthole in the middle of a field with your friends. But although you’ve been enlightened, you’re still unsure of where to go. Suddenly, you remember that little crackhouse by your step-dad’s apartment complex and think “WOAH! THAT SURE WOULD BE A NEATO PLACE TO POSE AROUND BROKEN GLASS N STUFF.” What you haven’t thought about is that your band is made up of 5-6 skinny-fat teenagers and there could be a wild pack of homeless people (who are all above getting rabies shots) whose home you have just invaded. Offer them your fat bassist as a human virgin sacrifice and bail out.
Here’s a new picture of Attack Attack looking dad as fuck in some abandoned looking place.
3. THE WACKY “CANDID” PIC THAT “ U TOTLY WEREN’T EXPECTIN!!”
So you’ve graduated after having the epiphany that both of the above are the most overdone, awful things in the world. So to try and save yourself from the awkward, tough “guise.. cross ur arms to r im just gunna look dumb….” phase, just kick back like a wacky group of NORMAL FRIENDS doing all kinds of loony NORMAL GUY STUFF*! (*ZANY POSES THAT WILL MAKE 14-YEAR-OLD “RaNdOm” SCENE GIRLS THINK YOU’RE THE MOST HILARIOUS/CUTE/WACKY/FUN/DINOSAURRAWRHEARTETCETCETC GUYS EVER). So if this is the approach you’re going for, just fix that hair, “act natural,” and stick out that tongue! It’s time to grow that (primarily) 13-year-old female fanbase!
look how RANDOM and ZANY this shot was! NONE OF THEM WERE EXPECTING THIS PIC AT ALL!!!!
I CAN ALMOST SMELL ALL THE NATURAL FUN BEING HAD FROM HERE!
THE FUTURE OF BAND PROMOS
As all of you should know by now, the way bands act fluctuates between “omg zany random fun-luving bros” and “guise.. stop smilig we r her bc we hav imprntn msgz & itz our duty to delivr thm 2 ppl wit no smilin” (See D’s post: http://www.metalsucks.net/2012/01/04/2012-state-of-the-scene-address-its-cool-to-be-tr00/). Right now, we’re in our tr00est of tr00, uptight phase of the dad haircut and srs promos, which means within the next 5-8 years, everyone will leave the no-fun-club and start looking happy to be in a band again. However, there will be some kids that are so un-fun that they can’t even fake it for promos and they will probably do some post-modern, ironic shots of them in a graveyard (so sorta still nature) while being super deep and anti-fun. However, the majority will go back to bright clothing, overly-excited, wacky faces/antics and ppl everywhere will be posi once more.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM PARTICIPATING IN BAND PROMOS:
*Imagine that you’re the frontman of a band. The guitarist is in the middle of a solo that lasts about 20 minutes and you’ve run out of things to do onstage to further embarrass yourself and you’re just kind of quietly standing there waiting for it to be over. That is taking promos.
*When taking pictures in THE WOODS, remember: bears are in there and will definitely try to eat that keyboardist you have in the band that you definitely do not need. Or the fat bassist.
*KEEP IN MIND: No band has ever posted pictures of someone in their group being eaten by a bear in the middle of the woods, so if you were to do that, you’d earn instant XmetalX points and I/evryone would totes listen to you.
*Be prepared for the most un-fun/awk hour of your lief. You’re standing in a field, sweating and probably being eaten alive by ants taking pictures of a bunch of troo assholes with their arms crossed glaring at you. Don’t expect it to b any better than that.
*If anything were to go wrong during a shoot (snakes in the field/rabid homeless people in abandoned houses/etc) just offer the fat bassist as a sacrifice and bail the fuck out.
*Taking pictures of bands is a lot like taking pictures of your parents making out, except that band promos are a little bit worse.
*Again, no fun.
*If you’re British, it doesn’t matter where you take promos as long as your female target audience already knows you’re British.
I would try to close this whole thing with a re-cap or something, but the thing is, no band guy reading this right now will ever make a catchier song than the new Taylor Swift jam, so I’m just gonna leave that here along with some more sweet promos I found.
I think these ones might be an Asking Alexandria cover band (srs)
You just aren’t metal until your mom gives you permission to light the old living room furniture on fire in the backyard with your pals.
What is the worst place to take promos? Why do band guys like looking like srs buttholes in their band pix? Have u ever taken promos? Do you love this shit? Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous?