L-R: nerd, weirdo, fattie, beta
THE DESCENDENTS were one of my very favorite bands for years, and I thought I would listen to them for the rest of my life like I will BLACK FLAG, THE VANDALS, and 311. But one of the sad parts about growing old is that we fall out of love with things we used to adore when you grow up a bit and realize that the thing isn’t so great after all. For example, I’m afraid I may have fallen out of love with THE DESCENDENTS the moment I realized they were the inventors of FRIENDZONECORE.
IDK maybe back in the 80s these were valid lyrics, it’s hard for me to say (I’m not a history major). But I do know that we’ve come a long way in terms of pop-punk lyric technology– it’s hard for me to take this shit seriously after hearing advanced stuff like FIGHT FAIR’s ‘I know you’re single, cuz I saw it on your newsfeed.’ Check out a few examples and tell me if there is any way I can still be a fan of this band:
This is the ‘patient zero’ of friendzonecore, the blueprint for every song in which a poor asshole who’s been rejected rubs salt in the wound by publicly declaring his love for some girl who is not interested in him. “When he starts to lie / When he makes you cry / You know I’ll be there / My day will come” = cringing with vicarious embarrassment/10
This song is about wanting to save a crazy bish who is out of control and into self-destructive shit. I personally cannot think of any ways this plan could go wrong– she just needs someone who will save her from herself!
“Sour Grapes” is a portrait of a guy with no game who strikes out with some bish at a party, then when she rejects him he gets butthurt and talks shit about her. I feel like this is the musical version of some tumblrbro’s text posts that I screencap and mock on SYWH.
As if their old songs weren’t embarrassing enough, they had to literally write a song about being friendzoned, which even uses the line ‘nice guys finish last.’ And the punch line is, it’s their most popular song :/
Wat do u think?? Do these guys get a pass for inventing FRIENDZONECORE, or is the social cost of their creation simply too much to ignore?? Are you still a fan of DESCENDENTS? Is ‘can I score your test press’ the most advanced pop-punk lyric of all time???