Since I’ve been on a little bit of a roll lately with these, I figured I would collect these here for anyone who doesn’t follow me on Tumblr. If you want to ask me something, click here– otherwise, enjoy laughing at the miserable love lives of other from the comfort of your home:
Br00tal FRIENDZONE SLAM featuring guest appearances by BIG CHOCOLATE, 7 HORNS 7 EYES, GOLIATH and CITY LIGHTS. Debut EP "NOT ALL GUYS ARE JERKS" out now!
Listen to Sergeant D bullshit with people in your favorite bands, talk shit, and laugh at his ghey voice. New show every week or two, don't sleep on it!
inb4 Sergeant D has a hit t.v show where he becomes a celebrity love guru.
wood watch/10
would listen to the radio show version late nights mixed between smooth RnB jams and slamz
*slow clap*, that was fantastic. Somewhat helps me live vicariously though others, as my game is phenomenally pathetic (unlike my alliteration).
f -> p, alliteration? good luck with your poetry goals lol
^ came 2 post this
Almost pissed myself laughing when I saw all these on tumblr. Solid gold hits.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5bCQSJJC4I
idk why but i read all of d’s answers in this voice
Not entirely inaccurate :(
at least chicks dig it.
D, you should start to collect testimonial from readers and at the end of the year publish them as a “how Sarge saved my life” post. That would be beautiful. :’)
Even greater if you could get people make them talk about their newfound success on video, with motivating music.
#thefray #oprah&housewifescanrelate
Your blog and you status as an internet love guru will fuel each others popularity. Now that’s marketing.
This thread really makes me wish I was in highschool again.
SRS question kinda here: I’m 21 and have been trying to have sex for over a year now, can’t get it up, this has probably happened like 10 times at least. I don’t even get boners that much anymore. I’m trying real real hard to just chill, relax, try different things, even throw on porn in the background but it never works and I feel rlly bad – is it time to visit a doctor and ask what’s up?
(kind of personal, sorry bros)
Hey man you forreal? Doctor immediately. Erectile dysfunction, can result from any number of different physiological reasons, not necessarily psychological.
This used to happen to me with hookups/new girls about 50% of the time. In fact, it was one of the most discouraging factors about gutstabbing randoms, and one of the major reasons I quit doing so entirely. Even when I did get hard, the experience was always disappointing. My personal experience with fucking girls I had no intention whatsoever of dating was that the fantasy was better than the reality.
That being said, I’m glad I gave hooking up a try for a couple of years, because now I know what its really like and can go on from there. SYWH promotes a phase of promiscuity for all males for a good reason, but what is often neglected by Sarge and the other commenters is that such a lifestyle isn’t necessarily for everyone. If that’s your case, there is nothing wrong with that or you.
Anyways, here are my suggestions, which you may try before/after a doctor visit at your own discretion:
1) Start off finding someone you are comfortable with, as a first priority. She doesn’t HAVE to be a knockout or even cute really (not in any way saying these things would disqualify her), and you don’t necessarily have to be romantically interested in her to any significant degree. Someone who you can naturally talk to without having to put effort into the conversation, and can cuddle with/rub up against comfortably or ideally with some warm fuzzies is ideal, even if she’s like a 4-5. Keep in mind this is a STARTING point, you don’t have to wife the girl if you don’t want to. You can always fuck hotter/crazier/sluttier girls later on when your confidence is up to par.
2) Ignore any BS your friends give you about her not being attractive enough. Think of it like the gym: when you’re just starting out, you probably can’t bench your own weight, let alone way more. Attempting to do so can actually be dangerous (though in this case only to your self esteem, analogy isn’t perfect). Just start out at a level where you can get comfortable and familiar with the exercises and work your way up from there. Same with fucking, some of us were raised with excessive modesty and not hugged enough or whatever so being next to someone naked and touching them might be uncomfortable, especially with a stranger.
3) You don’t HAVE to do everything at once. Work your way around the bases at your own pace, YOU are the man and YOU are in control here. For example, once you establish comfort making out with her on your bed, try getting under her clothes and touching her body, from there take off some clothes and move onto fingering her/ maybe goin down on her(this is always a big turn on for me), if you start to get a semi then grab her hand and have her stroke you and if you get hard = time to fuck, if not, then its usually safest to back off from here (slowly, don’t do anything abrupt). If she asks why, just be honest and say you don’t want to rush things. In my experience, the worst case scenario is getting to the point where you are trying to fuck her and straight up aren’t hard enough, this is what you’re trying to avoid here. An alternate route if her stroking doesn’t get your hard is to see if she’ll go down on you, which has a higher chance of getting you hard, but has the risk of embarassment if you don’t (still less so than trying to fuck her when not hard enough). This outcome is heavily dependent on her skill giving head. It’s also possible that she will refuse/be somewhat insulted, but in my experience thats not a high chance and in that event you can just back off and apologize and say you don’t want to rush things. For me, this process has taken up to 3-4 separate events of fooling around to get to the point where I’m hard enough to straight up fuck her, and usually once that’s happened I’m good with her from there on out. Also, I have definitely had occasions where I met the girl then fucked her that night with no problems, but for me that was only like 25% of hookups, and these occured more after I had gotten more used to being intimate with strangers.
I want to add as a disclaimer that the process of number 3 is not failproof. The inability to fuck girls right away has definitely friendzoned me a few times, and missed opportunities, etc. It’s really designed more around the fuckbuddy/friends with benefits situation more than the one night stand party gutstabs, but its the best advice I can give coming from this situation, and once you get more used to fucking in general you’ll be more prepared for the one night stand opportunities. It’s not perfect, but neither am I and I definitely fucked way more girls like this than I would have otherwise if I just gave up and confined myself to only relationship sex (I’d have 3 girls under my belt instead of like 15, would have 20-25 if not for wood issues).
Not all of us are born alphas who can fuck any girl within 10 minutes of meeting her, some of us just arent wired that way for intimacy. The important thing is, you can improve your situation from where it is and get with more girls than you would have otherwise.
This is probably THE most frustrating experience a man can have in his life, and my heart goes out to you (srs). If you keep trying and failing you may need to see a doctor, but these issues are almost always psychlogical rather than physiological, so just try to get comfortable. <3
Happy Gutstabbing, and as usual sorry to everyone about the novel!
^^ backed tard ^^^
try exercising, eating right, and masterbating…
work on yourself before you work on others….
TY bro.
Those suggestions all help, especially exercising. However, I really feel like this all just boils down to being comfortable with yourself and the female. If you’re weirdo like me who can’t do anything right and fucks up basic shit all the time for no reason, intimacy is rly hard :(
Ya I’m completely srs, this is a tough issue for me. Thanks for the long response man! Here’s a little more info:
I’ve had this problem for about a year now, and for the past 4 months I’ve been hooking up with an friend/f-buddy of mine. It’s ironic, since it started as us just getting wasted and drunk hooking up once in a while, then we started hanging out more and more, and now we cuddle/make out/try fooling around every couple days or so. We both aren’t looking for a committed relationship right now, but it could potentially turn into that someday… I’m super busy with work/school and stuff, so I don’t think I could be a good “boyfriend” right now, and I like being single, hence why I haven’t asked her, but I know she likes me a bunch.
She’s probably a 7 in my book, but has a great great personality, so I legitimately enjoy just cuddling and watching TV together or talking and stuff. The first couple times we tried hooking up she tried going down on me, but that only got me semi-hard. TBH she’s not amazing at blow jobs, and she doesn’t like giving them, so I don’t make her. She’s tried giving me handies a bunch but it never rlly works at getting me hard. I make sure to get her off every time, whether its a fingerbang or going down on her, but I make sure she’s enjoying herself.
It’s got to the point where she’s like, “omg you NEED to fuck me. Like, we need to make this work” and I completely agree. I find her really hot and would love to, and many times I really really WANT to, but for some reason I don’t get hard.
I don’t think it’s her… I’ve noticed that I don’t get too many boners anymore, and if I watch porn or something I don’t really get hard unless I touch myself to, and even then it seems harder than it used to. It’s so weird; I work out 4 days a week and look great and in shape, better than I ever have in my life. I’m not a super party guy or crazy alpha so this situation (aka f-buddy who’s chill and wants to help me get experience) = PERFECT for me. I really, really want it to work out. Everything potentially embarassing that could have happened has, multiple times, and this chick still wants to help me out.
I dunno. I just feel frustrated. It probably IS psycological, but every time I get relaxed enough to forget about it, my body just doesn’t want to work. I guess I’ll keep trying to get a decent boner for once. If she’s sick of it and wants to start hooking up with someone else, I’d understand (I probably would in her shoes, she must like me a lot). But I don’t want this to be a perpetual problem to have my whole life, and before you know it I’m 26 and still technically a virgin :(((((
thanks for the positive vibes
Forgot to mention but there’s been a couple times where I have just enough of a liftoff to think the landing is possible, so I reach over to get a condom and by the time I get it out, the plane is back in neutral.
Like, should I just, work out even more? Look at more/less porn? And should I just ask a general doctor for advice on this kinda stuff?
Seriously, Not to dismiss TLDRs empathetic advice (always nice to find a kindred spirit) but you should definitely seek some type of medical advice. This could be an early symptom of any number of groin area ailments. Not trying to scare you, but since you’re relationship seems somewhat healthy, I’m worried that the rest of you’re body may not be. And even if you get checked up and everything is fine, a doctor might suggest a therapy or counselor to see if there’s an underlying issue. Point being, professional help exists for a reason. Seek some out, and as always, please be safe!
Ditto this, if the situation is that ongoing its time for medical help. My wood trouble pretty much always stopped after 3-4 messaround sessions tops, and only ever reappeared once in a great while. Basically, once I was used to the girl I was good.
You said this girl is your f buddy, and you guys are hooking up? This seems to imply that you’ve had sex with her before. Is this true? If so, what was different then vs now?
On a final note: genuine 7/10 with great personality that cares about you enough to stick around for 4 months of wood trouble = 10/10 wifeability in my book. I’d think twice before ditching her for random hookups. I dated a totally wifeabie girl when I was 20-21 and broke up with her for hookups tho, so I know where you’re coming from.
Yeah, it’s weird because the more I get to know her the more attractive she becomes… am I running into a potential GF situation here? And I don’t mind?! Woah.
She’s my f-buddy in the sense where we’ve been TRYING to have sex for a while, and if someone asks about us we kind of play it off like we have in the past since i don’t feel like getting shit from my bros
oh lol my cover is blown, oh well…
yeah, I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow with a doc. wish me luck <33
Let me know how it goes
<3 u bro
A hot bish that won’t fuck u after a year is keepin u on the back burner. Don’t be a sponge, ur probably awkward and unattractive. Buy a prostitute or save your paper for a bish who appreciates ugly dudes.
^ this (except for the prostitute part)
Yeah, that blows my mind. I actually can’t imagine not boning down with a girl if she’s officially my girlfriend. Just seeing each other I could understand, but in modern time official relationship = definite sex.
Or do I have it wrong? All my experience is with scene girls/hipsters/art/music etc other damaged goods. With a real wifeable girl, is there an actual waiting period? If so, how long when officially dating a normal, wifeable girl should you be willing to wait to bone down?
Serious question
It should just happen. Not to sound poetic or emo but most of the time it figures its self out. If it doesn’t then move one.
Awwwwww, Sarge used my ask. But seriously, that bish was awful.
Please do this more often Sarge. I don’t follow people tumblEr’s (via being a pretentious douche) so I don’t get to see these gems.
I hope there are more installments
hey check out my tumblr *trips and rolls down a hill*
I wonder if I would have taken this advice in high school. This is like the most useful after school special ever.
To the bro that has the girl who won’t fuck him after a year. I’ve been there man except it was like 2/3 months for me before I snapped. I literally broke up with her on a saturday and on sunday she asked if we “could have sex just to see what it would be like?”. I obliged of course. I gloriously banged her multiple times that day and then for the next 6 months straight. She was the definition of crazy however so I broke up with her eventually. Long story short, worth it.
That last one about dating non-crazy, nice girls with their shit together is SO FUCKING SPOT ON IT HURTS. Srs.