Brought to you by Coke Zero
ALRIGHT SO this movie has been the butt of a lot of shit talk this year. Lots of people want to look very educated and intelligent by scoffing at the mere mention of it, but I finally watched it and I can tell you this might possibly be the most complete, well thought-out, and clever film of 2012. It takes a lot of plot gymnastics to convert the concept of Battleship into a real story, let alone one good enough to result in a solid and engaging action film, and this movie fucking did it. Now that the bullshit is out of the way let’s talk about how BDC this movie is.
I’d make a joke here about Bohroks but only 3 of you will get it
The thing that makes this movie work is that right off the bat, from the marketing onward, it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Simply that alone allows you to take it more seriously when it comes down to things like dialogue and plot, and because of it the whole thing works. It presents itself as what everyone wants it to be, a shameless adaptation of a boardgame, then blindsides you with all this shit that makes it engaging and believable. Liam Neeson isn’t used as a gimmick, he’s there just as much as he needs to be, and there’s a surprising amount of rational decision making by the main characters. This movie is pretty damn long, but that’s because out of fucking nowhere they have all this buildup and character development, and it actually pays off because in the thick of the alien shit you genuinely want to see them succeed, and not just skip to the explosions. Seriously dude, this is a legit FILM right here.
Also there’s little nuggets of fun here and there like Rihanna wearing a HOODS shirt
Clickthrough to see the story behind her wearing it, my favorite bit is “Director Peter Berg spotted Carrizoza at a military tournament and particularly liked her ‘Bring the Hate’ t-shirt from the punk band The Hoods”
There’s a lot of hidden brilliance in this film regarding the way they translate the game elements to the action and story. The pegs function in a way that mirrors the game, but actually makes sense as a weapon. Hell they even managed to make the whole idea of “i’m shooting blindly on a grid” totally plausible and functional. It’s fuckin’ awesome. The meat of this movie though is in how they handle the tension and release of those scenes, and it seriously works. People can make all the comparisons to Transformers they want, but this is basically U571 with a bigger budget. Also I loved Transformers so fuck you.
My God this lens flare
Let’s talk about the ACTION. This is some high quality Michael Bay shit going on. We have massive amounts of real guns shooting real bullets, against lazers and mazers and photon torpedoes. THEN we have the actual alien bad guys which are pretty much Master Chiefs with spikey goatees, fuggin Ozzfest 03 in this bitch. They beat the shit out of EEEEVERYTHING and slam that sickness. There’s a joke about Rihanna and getting beat up somewhere to be made but I’m too busy mirin how dreamy Taylor Kitsch is to make it. The guy was awesome as shit in John Carter, which none of you saw because apparently you haven’t realized that big budget CGI=always worth giving a shot even if it disappoints on other levels, and in Battleship he’s basically Captain Kirk but irl. This movie WILL remind you of other movies, but you won’t mind. Trust me, I was one of the people who were PISSED about how G.I. Joe ripped off action sequences from Star Wars, and none of the similarities between this movie and Star Trek/Transformers bothered me a bit. It all just works. It’s shiny enough to keep the adrenaline going, dirty enough to make you feel like it really hurt, and loud enough to warrant some “shit yeah”s.
If you don’t think this is awesome, you probably like Fleet Foxes
This movie will surprise you. It surprised me. When the inevitable sequel comes out, I will be moshing in the theater on premiere night, and you should be too. Redbox this bitch, get drunk, and prepare for fun.
i mean r the breakdowns heavy or not u didnt cover that
LOL!
rofl
PROTOSS OP
Also mirin dat Hoods shirt, just texted Mike Hood about it, I’m sure he knows by now but I still can’t wait for his response.
Sweet post bro, will be watching this, I love action movies that keep it simple, blow shit up, and remind me of Starcraft (Starship Troopers is one of my favs)
I like the idea of Mikey taking a chunk outta somebodys head @ Friendlys because he checked the text u sent him. 2xl Emo Killaz 4 lyfe.
Or True Blue, whatevs.
lolol
strong lol @ the joke you almost made about Bohroks
those were the fuken shit when I was like 6 or 7
hell YEAH mothr fucker
agree
totally got the reference
kids these days are missing out
Not ashamed to say that I had about 7 of them, even though they were the same damn sets with just color variation. Man those were the days.
i liked them a lot better than the actual bionicles because they actually did something when you pushed the button. man i want mine back :(
Yeah but the Toas had the fucking gear on the back that made their arms flail like a dead fish with down’s…yeah I guess the Bohrok were probably way better
Nah bro, no sequel, the fuckin thing tanked at the Box Office
Tbh when I went to go see it I was expecting all the stuff that you said the film was in this article but I was just so bored throughout the whole thing. The only part I liked was when the Black dude said a really shit one-liner and the scientist guy was like WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? Nice bit of self-reflexive humor up in there
Everything else was boooooring
And I am also backed hard on the Transformers flicks, they are goddamn beautiful in how insane they are
does rihanna get bucket nayked or show side boob or show any boob at all during anytime in this flick? this i must know…
no partial/full frontal nudity = not worth my time….
lulz at your strange next level phrases like “bucket nayked”. You have the ability <3
some body answer this!
….
This isn’t a decent review, I was never a fan of transformers but I do like mindless violence and science fiction so hopefully this film is good for the first watch in my view.
Just saying that intro in the shop with the tiles is fucking hilarious.
holy shit I just realised I put isn’t when I meant is, ignore the possible brutality of this comment
lolol was wondering, confused me with your context
mindless violence and science fiction
^^^THIS
GO SEE DREDD 3D
Vyce have u seen Dredd and is it amazing holy shit I could go on about it forever and I haven’t even seen it.
It has excellent over the top bursts of graphic violence, true enough to its comic origins, but there isnt enough to propel it full throttle. There are some very interesting visual and tonal elements (graphic slo-mo is the conceit for the 3d use), but there isnt enough to keep the momentum going and the movie drags.
Compare it to The Raid, another visceral action burner in a confined space. The Raid works because it has enough small character twists and story elements to stay focused, as well as the signature element of brutal Silat that makes it fresh and original and keeps the tempo up: as soon as the plot point is revealed and the story starts slowing down, a nigga suddenly gets stabbed in the throat and jump kicked into a wall. On the other hand, while Dredd busts caps with no fux to give, it comes a little too far between.
That said, Karl Urban is excellent and Olivia Thirlby (jailbait slut friend from Juno) is equally captivating.
Also it has a killer soundtrack
+10000000 srs such a sik film
If you don’t think this is awesome, you probably like Fleet Foxes
A+ solid gold.
Such a crushing insult too!!
wut r fleet foxes plz explain
The filth of gay hipster indie band
Thanks u will haet from onw on
regarts
goddammit johnny!! stealing the comments i wanted to make!
AAAplus review shiv
dat Bionicle reverence
You have the ability <3333333
What’s fascinating here is that for every piece of factual evidence used to support the hypothesis of this being a perfect film, another equally reasonable person can use the exact same facts to prove why the film is “objectively” bad, and you would both be 100% correct! Art is awesome. Great Post!
lol’d hard at “love you” tag.
Respeck Knuckles.gif
Agreed.
I kind of feel that this movie is the equivalent of an Emmure album (via I thoroughly enjoyed it, even doe I normally like phaggy ‘intellectual’ films…. Internet Movie Nerds think its gay… and the production is sick as fuq).
you win
Also, SUPER fucking excited for G.I. Joe 2. Was bummed when it got pushed back to next year, doesn’t really bode well for how good it will be. I have faith though because without question The Rock is excellent in every single movie he is in, even if the movies themselves are sub-par. Even that Disney movie where he was the football player baby daddy was entertaining because of him.
GI Joe 2 is going to be awesome. It got pushed back so they could convert it to 3D(which makes more money in the international markets) and shoot more scenes with C. Tate, who is the most bad ass bro actor of our generation.
On a totally unrelated note, I read a metalsucks blog (big mistake) about the new Acacia Strain album (which fucking rules BTW), and HOLY SHIT DEM COMMENTS, I finally saw a tr00 example of IMNhood. It srs really depressed me, your comment was the only beacon of hope in the whole thread.
I’m actually interested in this now (srs). I’ll defs keep it in mind for if I want some good mind-numbing sci-fi schtick!
I was really impressed, It’s funny (not like its try too hard, but legit jokes were had) it’s clever with the use of military tactics that don’t exist and the CGI is top notch.
Battleship was a solid action movie. I am a total film nerd and love artsy shit (college degrees in film), but love shit like this or the aforementioned John Carter, which even though it bombed was maybe even better than Battleship. That being said, here are a few points on Battleship:
SPOILER ALERTS!
1. They did do a great job at incorpoating the game elements. At first I was like “I dont remember any aliens in the game, I thought you were just playing another army…” but then I got over it. In one scene they lose visuals of the aliens and use the movement of boueys on a radar grid to tell where they are. At this point my girlfriend leans over and says “Wait a minute, this is ACTUALLY BASED ON THE FUCKING GAME AND DOESNT JUST USE THE SAME TITLE!?!?!”
2. There is one scene at the end that elevates Battleship from a decent action movie to the tightest shit ever. Early in the movie before the invasion they have a ceremory for those who served on the titular battleship that features actual WW2 vets. Later in the movie all of the navy boats are destroyed, but the aliens still have 1 more ship that needs to be defeated. One dude suggests they use the old battleship, but another guy shoots him down and is all like “it is a museum now, we dont know how to drive it, and it would take us weeks to learn blah blah blah.” Then Taylor Kitsch is like “We cant operate it, but I know some guys who can.” This cues a slow motion shot of the WW2 vets walking up with AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” in the background and a montage of the vets setting up the ship and saying badass catchphrases. One guy tells Rhianna to get out of the way and “let the big boys handle it.” Up until this point I thought the movie was ok, but after this I felt like I was chugging a patriotic bottle of BIG DICK COLA right on the deck on the way to kill the aliens/terrorists!
Great post, keep up SYWH at the Movies!!!!
Are you an actual practicing film maker? Would be interested in what you’re working on. I have absolutely no formal education in film whatsoever, but ive seen a customary fuckton of movies in my lifetime, from arthouse, foreign, DTV B-movies and everything in between (one often finds oneself with a shit load of freetime and a plethora of arabic bootlegs at his disposal during deployments) Please comment more on movie posts, potentially cooking up one for Halloween.
I am not a practcing filmmaker and most of my experience is in studies, but I have made some shorts in the past. I like to watch pretty much everything too and will definitely comment on more. I am excited for your Halloween post!
[i]I felt like I was chugging a patriotic bottle of BIG DICK COLA[/i]
I loved that too. A++, goes with the post as classic.
no.
wow, you guys really do like some horrible shit.
pls send me a link to your film blog; I really want to read your review of Pulp Fiction!!!
my imaginary film blog is nothing but serial killer movies, rom-coms and repeated viewings of the TV show Joey. i actually haven’t seen pulp fiction. i did see battleship, though, and it’s goddamned awful. just saying.
Pulp Fiction = Radiohead.
Think about it.
oh fuck so true
loved the film, loved the review, can i dry hump you?
had to watch it again after this review! really, who needs optimus prime if u got a 70 year old BATTLESHIP to kick some alien butt.
Only silvester makes better senseless movies
I wish someone would explain Big Dick Cola to me. It sounds like a fun thing to say but I don’t want to make the entry level mistake of saying it but not getting the full context of it. Someone plz halp!
There is no context, it’s just something me and my bro came up with out of nowhere one day and it evolved into a descriptive/exclamatory term
Kewl, so excited to say big dick cola in my next conversation and feel like a tastemaker:D
NO VIN DISEL OR DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON.
NOT A MOVIE.
(srs)
Lol Peter Berg did that Friday Night Lights show – which I’m rly ashamed of liking.
Review backed hard! Also really enjoyed this movie.
Dude, this blog made me open my eyes and stop being a fggt about music. Its the reason I blast Demi Lovato at work and no one freaking gets it. They do the frown at me. I thought everything was sweet but now this post has made me realize I’m a real IFN!! I scoffed at my wyf after we saw battleship, now I am 100% regrets. Eyes opened, mind blown once again. Ability gained.
Movie was retarded, but it was mad fun. Shit blowed up real good, and that’s all I was asking for.
I got the Bohrok reference. Thank you so much.
Just got around to watching it, and every word in this post is pure truth. Found myself rooting for the good guys with clenched fists. Awesome extreme joyride of a movie.
On a tangent, I checked what it takes to get a chick like that in the movie irl, and you gotta be Andy Roddick. Yeah, that’s his wife.