Welcome to the fall ’12 SYWH Newsletter! As we all know, fall is a time to don your favorite sweater, snuggle up with your partner, and shove pumpkin into every edible item with the fervor of a porn star with a bad meth habit who is getting paid by the dick.
Some of us may be breaking out our favorite seasonal beer, or working on the perfect haunted house decorations for all the trick or treaters, but I think we can all agree that fall is when white people are at their faggiest.
When you have some spare time between Instagraming pictures of dying trees or letting your Facebook friends know that you’re glad “hoodie weather” is back, here is a fun idea for a neat little weekend activity for you and your loved ones!
This weekend, my partner and I picked apples from our local (locally owned) orchard/farmer’s market. It was exhilarating to park your car on some grass (parking on GRASS?!), hop on the back of a wagon and take a hayride out to a stunningly beautiful locale to pick organic apples. It just made me feel, you know, good to support local, non-evil and quaint farmers that aren’t part of some big, stupid corporation (boo Mondsanta!!! >:()
When the sun came through the tree branches and caught the golden skin of the apples we were picking, it was then that I realized: maybe WE are the ones who have it bad! Maybe those adorable Mexicans who are doing, for a pittance, this activity that we view as recreation…maybe they are the ones who are truly blessed/happy. We live in our houses with roofs and Modern Warfares and Lexi Belle streaming videos while these charming people’s are out there, getting back in touch with Gaia, living in…whatever the Ewoks lived in in Star Wars: The Phantom Mencace…TaunTaun stomachs.
I don’t know about you, but I am a mid-level employee at a PR firm. I have to say that after this weekend, it’s going to be hard going back to the hum drum life of earning an income to support having a house, car, health insurance, TVs, and accounts to access Lexi Belle streaming videos, when those lovely Mexicans are going to be rich in spirit as they pick food for us to keep living our lives! I don’t know offhand how much they make but I’m sure you can’t put a price on a day of getting your hands in the soil and nights filled with dancing and pauper songs. Oh my, just listen to me! It’s going to be hard to go in Monday and not say “here’s what I think of that branding for holistic cat food, Mr. Bossman! You can take this job and stick it where the sun does not shine!”
Oh my, such a tangent. Anyway, if you are looking for some weekend fun for the family or for just the two of you (followed by an evening curled up with some warm cider and a session of quiet, respectful, WASPy anal), I can’t recommend a trip to your local orchard enough. Have a lovely harvest season!
Sent from my iPad
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Trend #hotWASPyanal with me here.
imo when u make a lot of money it just distracts u from what rly matters in life. those mexicans not only get to spend all day in nature but they r also much more free then we r bc when u have wealth the wealth controls u.
but I think we can all agree that fall is when white people are at their faggiest.
fucking A man!! Yes Ive never carved a fucken pumpkin in my lyfe my lovely snowflake… its because i was too busy trying to survive mija lol…. you wanna bob for apples? I got two apples and a banana for you right here!! >=D
but I’m sure you can’t put a price on a day of getting your hands in the soil and nights filled with dancing and pauper songs
fucking ded!!
I imagined this as a narrative from some guy from oregon for some odd reason or maybe prolly some east coast college towne… where the instagram of foilage is rampant!!
^^ THAT WAS ME^^
estupid sticky keys…. blame alexis texas gettin her inner lesbo on wiff gianna michaels =]
Lexi Belle is aight… so um anyone got any jane marie links… =P >=D
^^ This comment was unnecessary brah we all knew it was you :)
Of same opinion, u could post anonym from this day on, or under a myriad of other pseudonyms & we’d all still recognize ur signature-style…
Yeah that was p recognizable, man…
Oh shit, Alexis Texas and Gianna Michaels did a scene together?
where can I view this shit?
quiet, respectful, WASPy anal is my favourite!!!
I have never had the pleasure of meeting a “rich in spirit” Mexican before :( It costs actual money to get to where I live hence why there are no “spirit rich” bean herders here :( I really feel like I’m missing out on life’s simple pleasures, I can’t say I’ve had the joy of toiling alongside my poor inferior neighbours. Laughing at Sudanese immigrants just doesn’t cut it anymore :(
I really enjoyed reading this post. you have the ability jorbam.
Sick post, but apple picking is srs a great way to spend a saturday afternoon.
You know how I know you’re gay?….
because you like Asia?
Because you like taking dicks up your butt?
Haha I actually went and did this with my lady the other weekend so the post is based on true events but from a exaggerated caricature point of view. All the photos are from my iPhone! The first one is from the orchard and I really tried to take the faggiest, most Pseudo-Meaningful picture I could. The other two were from when I was out walking my dog and I was like “need moar insufferable, generic fall-amore photos!”
I cleared this post with my girl so I wouldn’t get a “oh so you secretly hate everything we do!?” yellversation. While we were there, we were joking about how people would be so up their own ass about doing something like this that gets them “back to nature” while other, more brown-ish people fucking toil on this shit. One person’s quaint Saturday is another’s 40+ hour manual labor work week to earn a laughable pittance to continue living in a country where they are despised by the cuntier of whites.
She made me a bangin’ applie pie and I also snagged some cider from the market that was delicious for a week then gave me laser butt water on Saturday.
***Premium Subscriber Members of SYWH will not be charged for this Jorbam’s Post Commentary Track. Every one else, please open your CD-ROM drive, insert your credit card, and then close the drive so you can upload it to my Phantasy Star Online account.
“yellversation” is gold
Laser butt water
Literal lol followed by iknowthatfeel.jpg
This post is good and lovely, and drinks vodka not even mixed.
fall is gay, brb watching lexi’s anal video all over again.
liek dis if u crie evritiem :’(((
I luv autum, i cri al teh tims i thk of it. xx
I have like 6 orchards really close to me. I only go to the ones with Corn Mazes, haunted somethings, ghost infested other things or spooking attractions. This is because for me Fall is a time to be scared of other things besides urban youth and republicans.
Seriously love some good apple cider with whiskey though.
fucking lost it at “nights filled with dancing and pauper songs”
i live in a town full of people exactly like this (srs)
No care about fall/winter. I dont even know what “change of seasons” even is. Summer all around bb!!!!
clearly you are a 16 year old girl on tumblr so sup bb
I still can’t get over this concept of well-off people wanting to live like poors. Although I do think there are 2 very distinct and very different versions of this:
1. A day/weekend outing with your girl. This shit is actually great. Down here we have tons of berry farms and orange groves, and girls love a trip to go pick strawberries or oranges. The key here is that as soon as that shit gets old you call it a day, and then have the poor farmhand clean, weigh, and package what you did. Your girl will feel like she “really accomplished something” and bake the shit out of some pies or squeeze fresh OJ so she can go mimosa crazy. This is also true for camping. You can get out for a weekend, enjoy enough nature before you realize how boring it is, eat some shrooms and drink around the bonfire with the knowledge that civilization is as close as you want it and you’re ready to roll at any moment.
2. Wanting to “connect” with other cultures. This is where things get gayer than that time those dudes did those things with each other. When a junior in college decides he wants to gain “real world experience” by plowing a farm for a semester, he is completely missing the point. He should be using that time to work part time to gain $$ and rent a cabin for labor day weekend so he can bring some impressionable freshman up there and get knuckles deep under the dock at night.
TL;DR….
outdoors for pussy and recreation = the right way
outdoors to prove something or change the world = not even once
Backed, outdoors rules, although I’ve never gone to pick anything except a pumpkin because the patch is within a quarter mile of my house and cheaper than the store.
Camping = where its at
Although I’m only marginally-white-ish I’ve got a few tips to lvl-up ur overall whiteness score by @ least 12pts.
1. Pretend u listen to NPR (Natl. Public Radio) & are “very concerned about social issues”.
2. Purchase an Espresso-maker (even if it doesn’t have stainless steel or copper internals, pretend it does), a coffee-bean grinder ( burr, not blade style), & whole, fresh-roasted organic fair-trade coffee beans.
3. Purchase a ” Pizza-Stone.
4. Purchase Apple products, all of them, never actually learn how to properly use them, replace them with newer version seasonally. Become an unpaid cheerleader/shill/cultist for the Apple corp.
5. Talk about all-of-the-above excessively to any and everyone, whether or not they care.
As you may have discerned, whiteness is predicated on both gross-consumerism & being in a constant state of denial as to the fact that you are amazingly boring/pedestrian/unnecessary.
I think you just described my mom, except she doesn’t talk to anyone about it (missing a very crucial element, I know).
A+ analyis of whiteness
Brb, adding “freelance whiteness consultant” to my resume.
Dr Nustej, PhD B. Sci (whiteness) hon.
Whiteness Analytics Inc
Sounds to me like the sanitized professional name for a white ppl exterminator, like tcalling a merc a “security contractor” or a hired killer a “cleaner”.
I would freelance consult the fuck out of some whiteness.
If that were the case I’d be a “Freelance Domestic Haji consultant”.
Or an A.N.M. (N.W.A. style).
I actually debated going the PSC-route (DynCorp or TMG, or maybe Toifor, cuz who don’t luv nazi-toilets lol), because as it turns out I had nothing to come home to, but then I caught a hot one & now I’m like Frankenstein (except not jewish).
This is some of your best work yet, seems to be a different direction than your usual “random nerd hobby and somehow the post is hilarious” theme.
DEAD @ the fucking title, and the post itself was funny too.
White people probably are at their faggiest in fall, never realized that.
WASPY anal = DEADDDDDDDD
Sent from my ipad
Perfect touch to finish it off, A+ conclusion, and once again, DEAD
I’m going back to my roots later in the week. This stuff is my “art house film” while rambling about nerd interests is my “anything Adam Sandler has said ‘yes’ to in the past decade;” safe, familiar paycheck movies.
All of this is strategic branding and positioning to acquire my dream job: Lead Designer at Snorg Tees LLC.
fun post :)
i akshualy grow my own veggies and fruits…had to scare a swarm of birds away today cause they were stealing my grapes (srs) -> some good laughs were had
but its only a hobby (i really like it though) and i dont put more than 2-3 hours a week in it. at the same time it shows good girls u a pretty balanced guy whos not only into weirdest shit and u can make any faggy world changer shit their pants if they wanna start a conversation so its really been only wins for me so far… and it makes me laugh about myself when i get all angry cause some slugs ate my beans or whatever over night
and NO ONE laughs at my chilis
“My partner…”
Are you filth?
Great stuff brose
I’m hetero unfortunately. I could get away with using the word “faggy” without pinging my liberal guilt if I was gay.
I chose the phrase “my partner” in hopes of baiting VyceVictus into continuing with his conspiracy theory that I AM gay because I talk about cum so much in my posts. So it was very astute of you to pick up on the vagueness of that phrase.
Honestly, that’s exactly what I was thinking, but I didn’t want to push the subject. I am not a cisgendered pig. Gays are just groce.
We cool though.
Fall is the time of the year when you can really sort the advanced white people from the regular white people. For instance, advanced white people strictly abide by the “no white clothes after labor day” rule. Fall or “Autumn” as you may hear it referred to, is also the time of the year when the official white people accessory makes its appearance. I am of course talking about scarves. Advanced white people will own multiple scarves (knit, woven, outfit-matched,”out-on-town” and one specifically for skiing.) Advanced white people will also own a pair or two of Wellingtons which are like rubber Uggs for use in the rain/mud. Advanced white people will own multiple jackets without holes in them and usually will close via cloth and wood toggles as opposed to zippers. Advanced white people are also fond of wool peacoats and the sporting goods retailer Patagonia. Hopefully these tips will help you to recognize an advanced white person from a regular white person in fall 2k12.
^ Fuck all of this (srs)
lololol sotroo
You PARKED on grass? Do you even KNOW how bad that is for the ecosystem? Jesus christ, think about the consequences of your actions next time. Do you even care about the biosphere or are you just one of those priviledged upper-middle-class who comes here for a day to impress your girlfriend? I’ll have you know that I took a semester off from my studies at the San Francisco Art Institute to work on a farm in rural America and what I saw changed me. These locally-owned farms form the basis of the livelihood for these working-class Americans, and I’m appalled that you would show up for one day just so you could take advantage of them to boost your ego in front of your girlfriend. You’re fucking pathetic, check your privilege before you try to tell me about how you care about Mother Earth, scum.
I offered a peace offering to Mother Gaia later that night in the form of pouring some Faygo on a shrub.
WTF, only 39 comments from one of Jorbams best pieces? Bullshit.
Tragically underrated article imo
I am experiencing mild butt pain over this lack of attention
Haha I’m hiring you to be my hype man. You’ll make 15% of everything I make. I currently make $0.00 so I’ll get back to you on the numbers once I’ve crunched them.
I expect exactly zero people to give a fuck about anything that I vomit out onto the internet so I treat every like or comment or whatever as a pleasant surprise.
there was a time when 39 comments was a ton! when i first started i would get like 3-5 comments on most posts, it sucked haha
but i agree that this is quality posting!
I was recently re-reading some of your old posts (gems like “some guys from Kentucky have a metalcore band”) and it’s such a bummer seeing legit hilarious posts with like 8 stangry comments that slowly trickled in from 2009-2011 :(
But then it’s funny going to other moderately popular blogs and seeing the exact same thing while SYWH posts regularly breach 100.
WE HAVE THE ABILITY
Deal.
Just imagine the future 2-3 years from now, when the comments never drop below 4 figures and we’ll laugh at these comments.
SYWH EMPIRE
this post is amazing.
“Every one else, please open your CD-ROM drive, insert your credit card, and then close the drive so you can upload it to my Phantasy Star Online account.”
Oh my Fuck my head just exploded as I shit my pants.