One of the many examples from the internet of how music reviews are all pretty much the same and all pretty useless.
If you’ve ever read any review of any music release ever in the history of words, you probably know what I’m talking about already, so this shouldn’t be too hard to explain, but reviews of anything are pretty much packed to the brim with bullshit. Just look at this genius twitter account that picks bullshit phrases out of actual Pitchfork reviews. Filler words ^^^, stretched comparisons, metaphors that really always fail to describe anything that is actually heard (world shattering drums, throat murdering vokills etc. etc.), and most importantly OPINIONS always fill up and ruin what would be a good review. I used to write reviews but stopped because I hated it because I was just trying to use nice words to make people think like I do, and that felt like a hollow useless exercise.
The main culprit here is SUBJECTIVITY. Most reviews are just people trying to use the right words and emphasis to get their opinion into someone else’s head via flowery bullshit writing. Good writing is wasted trying to describe sound instead of thought or story, so it usually ends up just being used to describe the author’s opinions instead of what is actually recorded. And there might be some great respected reviewers who can accurately say something about a record, or some kid with a computer making a poorly written positive review that can get people excited for an album, which I guess is a purpose. But negative reviews only project the author’s inflated negative opinion and not what anything actually sounds like, because aspects that someone else might enjoy are described with a negative influence, they are perceived as a fault instead of simple description of what something. Its a huge problem and totally ruins potential music for millions of people everywhere probably. BUT I HAVE A SOLUTION
The First Ever Objective Album Reviews:
Isn’t it beautiful?
I factored out all the bullshit, all the flowery words that don’t mean anything, and just broke it down into categories. Could be done with a chart, but venn diagrams work well because there’s usually a lot of overlap. This Ke$ha album noticeably has a lot more jams than bangers, so if you loved her first album (mostly bangers), you might not enjoy this one as much. If you’re a fan of jams you should get stoked. If you aren’t into club bangers or pop jams, you might not dig this album that much, maybe the slow songs, but there are only a few. Notice how you don’t even know what I think about this album? And how you could figure out if you’d like to listen to it on your own without anyone telling you anything? This is the fucking future man.
The free venn diagram site I used kind of fucked up this one and the next one, but you get it.
This one was a little harder and illustrates the major flaw of this system, finding the clear words to accurately describe music. When it doesn’t break that clearly into categories it gets a little harder, but I still feel like this is a pretty good breakdown for the album. I’ve described bangers before, shit that gets you pumped up in the club, the atmospheric smoked out shit might not be that obvious if you didn’t hear the A$AP mixtape which was essentially 100% like that, and boom bap is just what I used to describe dudes gettin on beats and layin down rhymes. This one would probably need an accompanying description of the categories, but most of these won’t even need that.
This one makes so much sense instantly.
Here we can see what might make Homesick arguably the ultimate depiction of scene music ever made. With the simple formula (pop punk + breakdowns) that is hardly deviated throughout the full album, it was able to capture both the pop rock crowd and scenecore kids. There’s like no variety, but that’s not what the kids wanted, they craved consistency. There are other factors, like the touring away from home theme that kids wanted to live to prove to their mom they could make a living off their ART, but without any information about lyrics given, this is the kind of thing you’d have to look into for yourself. And if you actually LISTEN to the music, your thoughts about how good the lyrics are and which ones stand out to you are pretty easy to form.
These objective reviews just give a snapshot of the sound and breakdown the kind of songs. They could give a breakdown of lyrical themes as well, and there are tons of way to make them more complex while still not delving into opinions. I do see ways this system could be used for EVIL (let’s put every Justin Bieber song into the category “horseshit that iznt real music! lol olol), but if stayed true to the original idea, they could eventually replace bullshit filled music reviews now, and give people clear-cut useful information about if they’ll like the music or won’t. I know this is more suited for a sometimes-funny single subject blog that I don’t have the time or effort to run, but let me dream big.
THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
BONUS: reviewed Sarge’s new EP:
FFO: Pitt Riffment and interludes
ded at enpedestalment.
this is fucking amazing. it’s perfect. my hours of trying not to hate the reviewer for being a fggt or pretentious are over. pls let this become global
I thought the whole point of album reviews was to read some douches Strong Opinion on an album?
i find his strongly with The Needle Drop. at times i think he is good, is super cultured and is legit. but throughout he entire review my brain keeps telling me he fucking loves himself and his ideas. like one of those guys who always has to talk about how he would have had someones holiday or how he would do (insert idea, object, location etc) these graphs are perfection
He is totally guilty of using ghey meaningless filler words all the time, but his reviews aren’t super biased and he seems like a pretty chill guy overall
yeah exacly!! he seems legit and douche at the same time my brain can handle it
If a sensible chill reviewer is bound to use bullshit at some point, its just a necessity for the standard album review.
yeah, and the ‘comedy’ bits in his reviews are just so dorky that you can’t help but go “aawwwww”, it’s impossible to hate him rly
^^ ha yes. I do like his rendition of the asap mob album. and his other weird shit he adds in
These venn diagrams! That Homesick! This Not All Guys Are Jerks! Legit lol! A+++!
guys i’m really drunk
please be safe.
Good post man, funny, clever and to the point!
:-) must show this to dat coverkillernation douche on jewtube… The world will never be the same!!
That bingo board is very clever, but I would say that what you are saying is true of bad music reviews: terrible, florid writing that can’t communicate the author’s idea accurately. Good music reviews are straightforward, interesting and usually pretty short. They tell you what the album sounds like (easier said than done) and what does and does not work.
yeah but point being that not everything works for everyone. like brutal pitt riffment works for us, but lots of people would see that as a downside namsayn
Posts with diagrams > posts without.
no diagrams = not a post
i am definitely a fan of interludes. i guess i should pick up the ep
THIS. IS. S-RANK. GENIUS.
a well-deserved cockslap to the face of the pretentious d-bags who write reviews just to show off their L33T WRITING SKILLS
I write reviews, and can confirm this. Why do reviews have to be longer than “What’s it sound like? Is it good?” Yet, everything I’m given comes with a 400+ wordcount, and so I have to bullshit some stuff about this bands’ place in post-something whatevercore.
I’d say more, but I think I’d come across as really bitter towards successful reviewers.
Shorter reviews = less bullshit, always backed. But its so hard to take it all out without just using infographics. Keep fighting the good fight man.
made a bet with my bro that I could write a review using every word and phrase on the bingo card and my editor would accept it.
The non-intersection of “pit riffment” has me dying! A+++
A couple of years ago I wanted to start a srs music blog, but then I realized how much I hate the pretentious reviews on Resident Advisor, xlr8r, Boomkat etc. Those people actually take the time to describe how the music sounds (for instance: ” ‘Texers’ flexes out on a badboy rollers tip; elliptical bass and hardbody snares synch under darkside Ed Rush-style synthlines and a chirping early ’00s grime hook that’s got us by the balls”). I can listen to shit on my own thanks, no need to describe to me how a fucking snare sounds like. Imo reviews are pointless; people should just post previews and give some info on the artists or whatever, and let others decide if they like something or not. But then I guess elitist hipsters and imns worldwide wouldn’t be able to seek validation from strangers on the internet.
Yeah, I think for a lot of people music reviews are not really an actual analysis of the music so much as a validation of what they already believe
A+ post bro. Short and sharp + dem diagrams = lololols
Genius idea A+++++++++
This would actually work for reviews, maybe with a “FFO:” section at the end or something.
If the ADTR thing would be taken seriously, Homesick (the song) would be on the left and you already know what you are on the right. But A++ w00d read again.
I took that very seriously bro, they both have factors from both, even if one say is a little more overpowering. Stick to my analysis that there are only two songs with zero breakdown presence, and none without a pop punk vibe.
“Vibe”
this is why I can’t explain anything :/
just sticking to science forever.
Brb using the phrase “ol’ boom bap rap shit” all the time from now on.
I like it too. That’s exactly what 1Train is.
Will start applying this system immediately
This post is pretty sweet, your posts are rare but usually pretty good.
This one seems to have a more negative approach (srs) and I like it that way
Thz for your kind words <3
I usually try to be as positive as possible because negative people bum me out and talking about like people or music I'm not stoked on is like a waste of time. But improving on things I hate is a great way to be positive and negative at the same.
Haha, was your reason for posting this fueled by you finally being fed up with some of the writers over at AP.net?
Nah, not really, that’s where I wrote a few reviews. I wouldn’t say there’s are as bad or worse or better than any other place’s, music reviews wherever you go are pretty bad and pointless. Its more about my dad believing every review he’s ever seen as fact before listening to stuff, huge pet peeve of mine.
absolute gold. ded at empedestalment.
keep up the good work
I really like this post a lot! Good stuff. My proposition for music reviews is that all albums be boiled down to “this shit goes”, “this lightweight goes”, or “this does not fuckin go.” That is all I really need to know.
Kinda late to post here but I just remembered that a dude called Nick from a now defunct website called calihardcore.com used to do pretty decent reviews of hardcore records. Got several of my bands reviewed there, he was always fair and I respected his word a lot. No bullshit, just straight up honesty about how the bands sounded and who probably would/would not probably like the record.
Much respect, RIP calihardcore :(