I was predisposed to hating King of the Nerds. If you’ve read some of my other posts on here, you may know that I begrudgingly share interests with many annoying people who think they’re different from everyone else. My initial snap judgement of the people on this reality show on TBS (plz bring back Movies for Guys Who Like Movies and nuke reruns of Big Bang Theory from orbit, thx) was that these people were going to be a generic cross-section of various nerd archetypes. Boy, was I right.
It turns out you CAN judge a book by its cover because, unless you’re president of publishing at Hobo Joe’s Peyote-Fueled Book Publishing Manufacture, your covers are going to be a representation of what’s inside. None of the contestants jumped out as being absolutely insufferable — though “the pink one” and “the ugly one” came damn close. But the only real curve ball with the “nerds” of the show was that some of them have very impressive jobs that they should be proud of. I have no idea why scientists and engineers are “slumming it” on a reality show where the prize money equals about a year’s pay for them at some point in their life if they worked more on gaining the social skills to ladder climb, rather than proving how much of a stereotype they are. But here we are and the show is at the worst, highly annoying, and at best, theoretically watchable.
Because I care so much about you, dear reader, I watched the entirety of the first episode. Since the title of the show isn’t “David Lynch Presents: King of the Nerds,” I’m going to assume that future episodes will not contain twists that don’t deviate too far from the VH1 reality show formula of “elimination/immunity/arbitrary skullduggery via exaggerated physical challenges.” The show just left me tired. It’s not rage-inducing. It’s not a must-watch. It’s just…there. So rather than get angry and try and squeeze blood from a stone about a bunch of painfully generic kids, I’m just going to make fun of them!
TBS has contacted me to design a tabletop RPG based on King of the Nerds. Below is a draft of the monster manual. For your attention span and for my sanity, some of the nerds have been omitted via them being slight variations on an already hackneyed theme. All material below is fictionally copyrighted under Jorbam’s Old-Fashioned, Down-Home Ramble Manufacture LLC.
Dire Nerd Bait Rat
Medium YouTube Attention Vermin
Hit Dice: 3d6+12
Attack: 1 webcam, 2 boobs (masterwork) +6 melee touch “using my sexuality (a la Jenna Maroney on 30 Rock)” attack, +3 ranged internet video blathering attack 3d4
Abilities: Str 8, Dex 16, Con 13, Int 10, Wis 6, Cha 32
Skills: Cause Greasy Feeble Nerd Boner +16, Gain Job as Host on IGN Web Show +20, Upload Every Dogshit Thought to YouTube Channel to be Validated by Sea of Horny Dudes’ Approval/Encouragement +40
Feats: Summon: Brigade of Internet White Knights, Innuendo, Glasses
Treasure: shitty pink eyebrows (semi-rare)
Other: 80 – 90% chance to be featured prominently in any/all advertising for the show. 30 – 50% chance to win because attractive people need all the help they can get. Daily ability: roll 1d20. If 10 or higher, add +6 Feminism Points to Cha and equip summoned “I dress like the wet dream of a 13 year-old gaijin anime fan (otaku, if you will).
Overly-Excited Mind Flayer
Medium Aberration
Hit Dice: 1d6+12
Attack: 1 foam nerf longsword (common) +2 ranged spittle 1d6
Spells: clammiest, most feeble fucking handshake you’ll ever receive cantrip (lvl 0)
Abilities: Str 6, Dex 10, Con 6, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 2
Skills: Weakness: female (human) -10 to all stats, Baller Income (if NPC joins Private Sector Company) +12, Self-Unaware White Guy Dancing +13
Feats: math, science
Treasure: tighty whities (common)
Other: 30 – 50% chance to be fine in real life via valuable intellect, 90 – 100% chance to be used/exploited by others via Beta Bro racial ability, Roll 1d20 against “Weirdly Conservative Viewpoint Towards Women’s Reproductive Rights” check of 13 or lower.
Gamer Girl Kobold
Small Mystic OTW Humanoid
Hit Dice: 2d6+18
Attack: 1 MLG Pro Circuit Controller (madcatz), +5 I’ll Kick Your Ass at Video Games Boast, +4 Sass Blast 2d8
Spells: U kno dem Asians kno some kinda illusion spells n shit (lvl 10)
Abilities: Str 6, Dex 86(azn), Con 16, Int 10, Wis 8, Cha 12
Skills: +6 Camping/Using Most Unbalanced Gun in Call of Duty, +10 Zerg Rush, +8 Trash Talk
Feats: energy drink consumption, acrobatics, equip: Jinx clothing
Treasure: analog stick dust
Other: If opponent is Male Pro Gamer, give Gamer Girl Kobold -30 to all stats. 30 – 40% for Jinx Clothing sponsorship. If Gamer Girl Kobold rolls a natural 20 (roll to confirm), creature levels up into Frag Doll because they’re still a thing for whatever reason.
IMN Wyrm
Dragon (Basement)
Hit Dice: 3d10+24
Attack: 1 Flyer from High School’s Drama Department’s Production of Once Upon a Mattress (exotic), 2 Razer Naga MMO Mice (dwarvencraft), +5 ranged excessive opinion blast, +4 melee feeble headbanging 3d6
Spells: Invader Zim Quote Fire Breath (lvl 10), “Slayerrrrr!” growl (lvl 8)
Abilities: Str 20, Dex 8, Con 16, Int 16, Wis 12, Cha -4
Skills: +10 Comments Section Dominance, +20 condescension towards games that aren’t Dark Souls/League of Legends, +5 Online Pizza Ordering, +8 Shapeshift into Sentient Snorg T-Shirt.
Feats: driving people away, equip: T-shirt with more than one super hero on it, passive-aggressive social networking.
Treasure: beanie with flames on it (rare)
Other: 80 – 100% to get angry at a Sergeant D post on MetalSucks, 90 – 100% chance to create “This is REAL metal” text/audio video on YouTube with Meshuggah as principle evidence, 70 – 90% chance to be featured on the “nice guys of OKCupid” tumblr, +5 stale snack food smell, 100 – 110% chance to be the loudest fucking guy at his table of 10+ in the diner.
Gibbering Mouther
Emotional Issue Aberration
Hit Dice: 4d8+24
Attack: 2 knitting needles (wood), 2 Faerie Paintings (etsy), +4 melee Big Arms, +8 ranged Can’t Shut the Fuck Up About Doctor Who Siren Shriek 4d4
Spells: “OMG I’m worried about Alana, she’s always so down on herself” Attention Illusion (level 10)
Abilities: Str 10, Dex 10, Con 10, Int 10, Wis 10, Cha 2
Skills: +5 Hackneyed Portal Reference (-2 to Cha), +30 posting to Facebook with posts “celebrating curvy women” yet harshly judging those skinnier than her.
Feats: knowledge: chess (so good the dude she tutored lost horribly at it), pouting, crying, knowledge: corsets, knowledge: easiest lays at the state Renaissance Fair.
Treasure: sorrow (masterwork)
Other: 20 – 30% obnoxious public singing of songs from Les Miserables, 40 – 50% chance to get away with being bitchy via condescending friends who treat her with kid gloves because she’s the “ugly one,” roll 1d8, if roll is equal or greater than 2, summon Eldritch Matt Smith Signature Series Dildo Broadsword, broadsword does 2d10+10 melee damage as well as “weird smell” 1d4+2 constant area effect.
Sign up to be in the beta for Jorbam Presents: King of the Nerds RPG here.
Collect a rare creature card here.
Read the fucking lvl 0 “RPG shit” that TBS actually paid someone to write about each of the nerds here.
Gibbering Mouther is gonna win because everyone will quit after her 10 billionth Rocky Horror Picture Show reference.
lololol this post rules.
+10 zerg rush
holy shit so true. Every time (3 times total) I have faced someone with a female name in sc2 ladder they have been Zerg and done some kind of early pool shinannigans.
Sass blast
U kno dem Asians kno some kinda illusion spells n shit (lvl 10)
lololololol dead
Hey it could be worse, they could be cannon rushing or teching to Banshees. I stopped playing SC2 because for every 10 cheese games I got one real game if I was lucky.
banshees
shudder.
2 port banshee is the worst. Actually cloak banshee harass into 1/1/1 allin with scvs might be worse even. IDK, at my level its pretty rare to actually die to an early pool, its just annoying as shit to follow up with trying to expand and figure out what they’re doing. But seeing as this is SYWH and not TL I’ll stfu :)
Yeah, cheese is definitely too powerful in general in sc2, but HOTS has done some to fix that and encourage more actual gameplay.
This made my day. You are good and lovely.
dat beanie with fire flames = some fatty beta i used to know in HS… dear gawd the horror!!!
Dude, Celeste seems very bangable to me! will make it a point to watch the show on mute and appreciate what she contributes to the show <3
On the real, do people actually find pink-haired girls weird ass attire attractive?? WHY? She looks like she comes from one of those creepy ass videos with horrible voice acting under that hentai tab on phub. Not a fan/10
Perfection. Calling the pink one “the pink one” pretty much sums her up.
When I was reading this, I was thinking of things I wanted to say I liked in the comments, but it wound up being everything.
dammit turner, i just wanna watch some seinfeld reruns after a long day at work. don’t foist this fggtry on me in the evening
20 – 30% obnoxious public singing of songs from Les Miserables
/ded
not even going to bother quoting my favorite lines, all amaze. the marketing for the show makes me want to puke
inb4 IMN Wyrm is a metalsucks reader
These are so fucking unbalanced Games Workshop needs to make a new Codex!
I don’t think having a Dex of 86 is OP at all! My system is strong!
+5 Online Pizza Ordering
been there man :/
Dont get any of this???
I also don’t wanna know.
ho.ly. shit.
gj jorbam, would raid with/10
I understand this.
I understand all of this.
You are amazing.
I die now.
i got stuck on the otw gamer girl trying to figure out what kind of character class/items i would need to defeat her. then i realized what i was doing and promptly killed myself
dat otw <333. this shit sounds as gay as the title suggests.
Straight fucking hilair. also, if I may add, +20 dex for The Wyrm for Hackey Sack Mastery
got damn this is all gold.
“2 Faerie Paintings (etsy), +4 melee Big Arms, +8 ranged Can’t Shut the Fuck Up About Doctor Who Siren Shriek 4d4″
ded/10
these kind of posts make my day. Thank you.
A+++ post
lolol Dark Souls/League of Legends thing is spot on. Kinda sad, cause they’re great gaems.
is dark souls worth playing? my buddy keeps getting me to try and play it but its kinda hard to just pick up and play and it seems like its going to take up way too much time. i feel like im playing dynasty warriors or some shit equally as asian.
yeah dude it’s a hard fucking gaem, and it does take a long time to get anywhere. the gaem is deliberately fucking hard to give you dat cathartic satisfaction when you bring down tha bosses. personally i luv it cause of the dark fantasy thing n the atmosphere n because u literally win every fight by the skin of your teeth. but play what u enjoy bro, disregard elitism acquire fun gaems.
I started playing dark souls and woke up in a caffeinated haze 2 weeks later, with missed calls from my gf and assignments not turned in. It’s a fucking great game for gamers, idc what kinds of people play it.
It’s not that hard honestly, it just rewards you for learning how to play. It you rush in and button mash the simplest of enemies will kill you. But if you take time to master the combat system and learn how to build a good character, the game is p easy excerpt for a few moments (Capra demon fight, ornstein and Smaug in NG+, the scaffold archers in New Londo). But I give it my 100% recommendation! If you need any further convincing, Big Chocolate plays it hardcore!
Word, he sent me a bunch of youtube videos to learn the fighting system but at the time i was just like i aint got time fo dat. i might try it again, he swears by it. having a job/responsibilities/a gf definitely gets in the way of me playing games that aren’t easily accessible from the get go these days. tfw you have enough money to buy all the video games and weed you want but you dont have time to play games and get drug tested for work
elitism
League of Legends
HARD LOL @ anyone being elitist about playing LOL. It’s like the Call of Duty of the MOBA genre, in that it is the most casual, easy to pick up game of its type. It’s definitely good for what it is (just like Call of Duty) but is fairly unimpressive from the competitive standpoint.
Not trying to bash casual games here, just making fun of entry level elitism.
Strong DOTAfag/ honer vibez
Starcraft Master Race
thats SIR to you, filthy casual
nice
Hilarious stat sheets! I may have to incorporate some of these into my 3.5 campaign. However, I don’t understand why you are indifferent to this show’s existence, but The Big Bang Theory enrages you.
I took my citalopram right before sitting down to write and had a few cups of coffee so I was feeling pretty good. I think that’s why I was so lenient? Maybe its cuz these people are real people so I needed to be a tad bit less rage-filled?
Haha I don’t know dude, maybe if I were to continue watching the show I’d be like “let’s give all these kids a 86th trimester abortion! rawr!”
whatever, i think the pink one is hot. i would talk to her about her hair and her shitty tattoo all night.
why is this even a thing?
I couldn’t figure it out either, then I mathed it:
Self-proclaimed “nerd” guys (fat/ugly/socially deficient dudes) aged 13-25 looking for reality tv that doesn’t make them feel outcast (fat & ugly) + self-proclaimed “nerd-loving” girls (fat/ugly chicks) OR chicks who “aren’t like other girls (fat/ugly chicks)” aged 13-25 looking for reality tv that doesn’t make them feel outcast (fat & ugly) = passable advertising profit for TBS
TL;DR money
I dont know what i hate more: nerd culture or beard culture ewww
Holy fuck dude, that is a Sophie’s Choice of hatred. If you ever watch the documentary Mansome, there is a section that follows a dude who is the Beard World Champ or whatever the fuck and, if that dude isn’t playing some fucking character, he is the most fucking infuriating person on the planet.
I’ve never played a tabletop RPG in my life, so the verbage was a bit confusing at first. Once I caught on, I hated every single one of these people. Great job!
Aren’t the “engineers” on shows like this usually computer science guys or software programmers? Fuck I wish those dorks would stop calling themselves engineers. Civil and Mechanical programs in college are filled with ex-fratboys and guys who were slightly too smart for business degrees. Fuck we brought Miller tallboys into one of our finals.
You may be correct on the Civil, the description you gave reminds me of my Dad who has a Civil Engineering degree from MIT.
I know many, many other engineers though and most of them are pretty weird/awkward/stereotypical nerds. One of the most stereotypical nerds I know (possibly the most) had 2 masters degrees by age 23 in Mechanical and Aeronautical Engineering. Another one double majored in Electrical and Computer Engineering and is getting his PHD in some engineering thing soon. Both weirdos and i <3 them
Also, I remember my first semester of CC my dad talked me into trying Civil Engineering out as a major. Of all the people I knew doing engineering I was studying with, etc I had hands down the best social skills, and I'm a regular SYWH poster so what does that tell you? lol. I remember several dudes being in awe of me for making out with the "hot" (6/10) nerd girl of the group on the Ferris Wheel when we took a trip to the boardwalk. It was a pretty average accomplishment, they really should not have been that impressed. Then my lack of discipline and mathematical inclination got the best of me, and I stopped taking engineering classes
tfw you’re the only normie in your math/science classes. it only gets worse the further up you go
6/10 is the new 10/10 bro
In just to say wow@ yur dad. MIT is the graytest uni in the world.
Yep, was President of his class and captain of the soccer team too. Then for some reason he became a history teacher and union labor organizer (srs)
that feel when you have always known deep down that you will never live up to your Dad’s expectations :(
So glad I dont have any idea what dem Japanese words mean. Nerd baiting, BBT and IMNs are cringe/10. I am the authority on Genuine Nerds Who Hate Fake Social Retards via attending a god tier university. Starcraft is the Best Game of All Tymez.
Starcraft is the Best Game of All Tymez
back tard
when HOTS comes out lets 2v2 via open international servers :)
I saw someone complaining that “The Big Bang Theory” is bad because it doesn’t represent “real nerd culture”. That’s because if it did, people would think it’s annoying as shit. Does this prove my point??? Also, that chick with the corsette up thar has given me erectile dysfunction. :(
Can we legally start a class action suit against TBS for killing our boners for the next 12 hours?
Dear Jorbam, this is IMO the greatest post you have ever done. Perfect in every way. Don’t ever change xoxoxoxoxoxooxx
As a proud elven ranger (srs 2nd ed 4 lyfe) this made my day. Had an empathy cringe at the Gibbering Mouther though, that’s picking low hanging fruit man. Let the poor woman’s fifteen minutes of fame peter out and she’ll return to her apartment full of cats and Dr. Who memorabilia.
Watch the first episode and it’ll curb your empathy a bit. I’m not for going after someone physically to any extreme extent (via being a violently unattractive goblin myself) but I have very little tolerance for people who self-defeat and play the “woe is me, I’m such a loser” card over and over again. After a point it become a cop out/for attention more than anything else.
Truth, self-effacing humour/pity is for neckbeards.
When I saw this commercial while watching the office i knew there would be a SYWH post one day. Haha
twf still woodbang that pink hair girl/10 :(