I was predisposed to hating King of the Nerds. If you’ve read some of my other posts on here, you may know that I begrudgingly share interests with many annoying people who think they’re different from everyone else. My initial snap judgement of the people on this reality show on TBS (plz bring back Movies for Guys Who Like Movies and nuke reruns of Big Bang Theory from orbit, thx) was that these people were going to be a generic cross-section of various nerd archetypes. Boy, was I right.
It turns out you CAN judge a book by its cover because, unless you’re president of publishing at Hobo Joe’s Peyote-Fueled Book Publishing Manufacture, your covers are going to be a representation of what’s inside. None of the contestants jumped out as being absolutely insufferable — though “the pink one” and “the ugly one” came damn close. But the only real curve ball with the “nerds” of the show was that some of them have very impressive jobs that they should be proud of. I have no idea why scientists and engineers are “slumming it” on a reality show where the prize money equals about a year’s pay for them at some point in their life if they worked more on gaining the social skills to ladder climb, rather than proving how much of a stereotype they are. But here we are and the show is at the worst, highly annoying, and at best, theoretically watchable.
Because I care so much about you, dear reader, I watched the entirety of the first episode. Since the title of the show isn’t “David Lynch Presents: King of the Nerds,” I’m going to assume that future episodes will not contain twists that don’t deviate too far from the VH1 reality show formula of “elimination/immunity/arbitrary skullduggery via exaggerated physical challenges.” The show just left me tired. It’s not rage-inducing. It’s not a must-watch. It’s just…there. So rather than get angry and try and squeeze blood from a stone about a bunch of painfully generic kids, I’m just going to make fun of them!
TBS has contacted me to design a tabletop RPG based on King of the Nerds. Below is a draft of the monster manual. For your attention span and for my sanity, some of the nerds have been omitted via them being slight variations on an already hackneyed theme. All material below is fictionally copyrighted under Jorbam’s Old-Fashioned, Down-Home Ramble Manufacture LLC.
Dire Nerd Bait Rat
Medium YouTube Attention Vermin
Hit Dice: 3d6+12
Attack: 1 webcam, 2 boobs (masterwork) +6 melee touch “using my sexuality (a la Jenna Maroney on 30 Rock)” attack, +3 ranged internet video blathering attack 3d4
Abilities: Str 8, Dex 16, Con 13, Int 10, Wis 6, Cha 32
Skills: Cause Greasy Feeble Nerd Boner +16, Gain Job as Host on IGN Web Show +20, Upload Every Dogshit Thought to YouTube Channel to be Validated by Sea of Horny Dudes’ Approval/Encouragement +40
Feats: Summon: Brigade of Internet White Knights, Innuendo, Glasses
Treasure: shitty pink eyebrows (semi-rare)
Other: 80 – 90% chance to be featured prominently in any/all advertising for the show. 30 – 50% chance to win because attractive people need all the help they can get. Daily ability: roll 1d20. If 10 or higher, add +6 Feminism Points to Cha and equip summoned “I dress like the wet dream of a 13 year-old gaijin anime fan (otaku, if you will).
Overly-Excited Mind Flayer
Hit Dice: 1d6+12
Attack: 1 foam nerf longsword (common) +2 ranged spittle 1d6
Spells: clammiest, most feeble fucking handshake you’ll ever receive cantrip (lvl 0)
Abilities: Str 6, Dex 10, Con 6, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 2
Skills: Weakness: female (human) -10 to all stats, Baller Income (if NPC joins Private Sector Company) +12, Self-Unaware White Guy Dancing +13
Feats: math, science
Treasure: tighty whities (common)
Other: 30 – 50% chance to be fine in real life via valuable intellect, 90 – 100% chance to be used/exploited by others via Beta Bro racial ability, Roll 1d20 against “Weirdly Conservative Viewpoint Towards Women’s Reproductive Rights” check of 13 or lower.
Gamer Girl Kobold
Small Mystic OTW Humanoid
Hit Dice: 2d6+18
Attack: 1 MLG Pro Circuit Controller (madcatz), +5 I’ll Kick Your Ass at Video Games Boast, +4 Sass Blast 2d8
Spells: U kno dem Asians kno some kinda illusion spells n shit (lvl 10)
Abilities: Str 6, Dex 86(azn), Con 16, Int 10, Wis 8, Cha 12
Skills: +6 Camping/Using Most Unbalanced Gun in Call of Duty, +10 Zerg Rush, +8 Trash Talk
Feats: energy drink consumption, acrobatics, equip: Jinx clothing
Treasure: analog stick dust
Other: If opponent is Male Pro Gamer, give Gamer Girl Kobold -30 to all stats. 30 – 40% for Jinx Clothing sponsorship. If Gamer Girl Kobold rolls a natural 20 (roll to confirm), creature levels up into Frag Doll because they’re still a thing for whatever reason.
Hit Dice: 3d10+24
Attack: 1 Flyer from High School’s Drama Department’s Production of Once Upon a Mattress (exotic), 2 Razer Naga MMO Mice (dwarvencraft), +5 ranged excessive opinion blast, +4 melee feeble headbanging 3d6
Spells: Invader Zim Quote Fire Breath (lvl 10), “Slayerrrrr!” growl (lvl 8)
Abilities: Str 20, Dex 8, Con 16, Int 16, Wis 12, Cha -4
Skills: +10 Comments Section Dominance, +20 condescension towards games that aren’t Dark Souls/League of Legends, +5 Online Pizza Ordering, +8 Shapeshift into Sentient Snorg T-Shirt.
Feats: driving people away, equip: T-shirt with more than one super hero on it, passive-aggressive social networking.
Treasure: beanie with flames on it (rare)
Other: 80 – 100% to get angry at a Sergeant D post on MetalSucks, 90 – 100% chance to create “This is REAL metal” text/audio video on YouTube with Meshuggah as principle evidence, 70 – 90% chance to be featured on the “nice guys of OKCupid” tumblr, +5 stale snack food smell, 100 – 110% chance to be the loudest fucking guy at his table of 10+ in the diner.
Emotional Issue Aberration
Hit Dice: 4d8+24
Attack: 2 knitting needles (wood), 2 Faerie Paintings (etsy), +4 melee Big Arms, +8 ranged Can’t Shut the Fuck Up About Doctor Who Siren Shriek 4d4
Spells: “OMG I’m worried about Alana, she’s always so down on herself” Attention Illusion (level 10)
Abilities: Str 10, Dex 10, Con 10, Int 10, Wis 10, Cha 2
Skills: +5 Hackneyed Portal Reference (-2 to Cha), +30 posting to Facebook with posts “celebrating curvy women” yet harshly judging those skinnier than her.
Feats: knowledge: chess (so good the dude she tutored lost horribly at it), pouting, crying, knowledge: corsets, knowledge: easiest lays at the state Renaissance Fair.
Treasure: sorrow (masterwork)
Other: 20 – 30% obnoxious public singing of songs from Les Miserables, 40 – 50% chance to get away with being bitchy via condescending friends who treat her with kid gloves because she’s the “ugly one,” roll 1d8, if roll is equal or greater than 2, summon Eldritch Matt Smith Signature Series Dildo Broadsword, broadsword does 2d10+10 melee damage as well as “weird smell” 1d4+2 constant area effect.
Sign up to be in the beta for Jorbam Presents: King of the Nerds RPG here.
Collect a rare creature card here.
Read the fucking lvl 0 “RPG shit” that TBS actually paid someone to write about each of the nerds here.