So with 2013 rolling in, people may be wondering how they adapt to this strange new year.
The answer, of course, is that we should just look back and say, “man, can’t believe we made it through 2012, bro, that was like a hella massive year, what was it, like 365 days? Felt like 366. Real talk.”
What I’m trying to say is that no one really knows how to handle a new year, so we for now, before we all get our acts together, we should look back on how we spent years past.
And I don’t know about you, but a pretty big part of my past was HENRY ROLLINS.
Most people know about Henry Rollins because they a) were really wasted at some point in the 90s and they dazedly saw the video for “Liar” on 120 Minutes b) were really wasted at some point in the 2000s and saw him talking about vodka and Anna Nicole Smith at 2 in the morning on VH1 or c) they are massive screwups and actually know that he was the singer for Black Flag (the fourth, actually, because out of all of them, he was the least deranged)
I’m assuming most of you are type c because you’re reading this, but in case you’re not, Henry Rollins was some skinny kid from DC who hung out a lot with Ian MacKaye before Ian started Minor Threat. Back then his name was Henry Garfield. Then he got tired of getting beat up at school so he bought a weight-lifting set and hospitalized one of his bullies, then he changed his last name to Rollins because likes security trucks, and then the dudes from Black Flag were like “Wow, this guy is ferocious!” and then he got a bunch of tattoos.
That’s not the lulziest thing about him, though. At some point in the late 80s, he started doing spoken word shows (which is basically when some beta gets up on stage and dramatically recites poetry or some other sort of pre-written piece) and at some point he stopped doing shitty poetry and started doing… stand-up. He still calls them “talking shows,” but don’t be fooled– the smell of whiny art is overpowering!!
Believe it or not though sometimes he’s actually pretty funny. For example, check out how he’s too dysfunctional and judgmental to get over a woman’s taste in music and literature before dating her:
To be honest if I went out with a chick who liked Nickelback I’d throw her out of my Equinox in a heartbeat because no girl who listens to Nickelback is interesting.
For all the bagging I do on him, though, he does seem like a cool guy. He probably cannot keep up friendships like a normal human being, but he comes off as a very nice person (although he’s the exact opposite of chill, seeing as how he’s from DC). In fact if he would just get over his superiority complex and treat women like human beings I’m sure they would find him “sweet” and “a good friend” and “someone I like going to the gym with because I know he’s not going to just stare at me!”
If we may be srs for a moment, in all honesty, Henry Rollins does a massive amount of work every year, and he deserves every bit of respect he gets and more.
And I’m not just saying that because if he punches me in the nose the reverberating force will send my teeth flying out my anus. When I was younger, I listened to Henry’s stand-up (“spoken word?” idc) all the time. He was way more approachable than a Bill Hicks or a David Cross, and he didn’t talk down to you like Jello Biafra (his “spoken word” usually makes him come off like an enormous dbag). One of my favorite Henry stories was about working at a pet store with Ian MacKaye (it starts at 8:57 and you don’t need to know the rest of the story, sorry I couldn’t find a separate video):
So that’s my meaningless story about how Henry Rollins rly meant a lot 2 me. but he is cool, and he takes his descent into “cranky old hardcore dude” way better than a lot of people from the 80s hardcore scene.
Do you have any embarrassing old people that helped you “deal with some heavy stuff in my lief”? Have you met Henry and was he cool? Have you met Jello Biafra and was he a douche? Have you ever tortured an old lady while working at a pet shop???