Right off the bat, if you’re younger than 25ish and you’re in a band, you can stop reading if you’d like. Go off and have fun but for the love of fuck MAKE SURE YOU HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY.
Ok, so, most likely, a large enough demographic of this site remains. You’re a late 20’s or thirtysomething bro who has a band. If your band is actually a “band” then congrats and this article isn’t really for you either but you’ll get some schadenfreude from this post anyway. This is for the bros with bald spots and mortgages and families slugging it out in local clubs and spamming their friends on Facebook.
Maybe you and your bandmates didn’t try hard enough early on to “get signed”, maybe you didn’t spend long enough in committee constructing a solid brand that would resonate with the demographics that have the most disposable income, or maybe you play folk metal. You’re getting older and and no fucking record executive has jogged by your fucking garage to sign you and the rest of the Zack Attack. You haven’t went on a tour that isn’t just “to Jersey and back” or some shit. You play the same bar at least once a month. So…I have a pretty big truth IED for you:
Your band isn’t getting any bigger.
So it seems we’re at a crossroads, dear reader. You can become the guy who just talks about his band, spams everyone on Facebook about his band, and get’s laughed at behind his back by everyone who realizes the Sisyphean loop of sorrow that is “this band’s gonna do the thing, yeah!!” that is the mindset of the oblivious try-hard bummer bro… or you could have fun with it and not be such a lulzy, sad old man.
Bad Luck 13′s first show.
This post comes from personal experience. I, your brave writer, am in a band. We’re called Pandas. We’re not the worst thing you’ve ever heard. We’ve been around for about 5 years and we don’t really have much to show for it. We’re unsigned and we’ve never been on a proper tour. Everything has been DIY but we’ve been able to have the band be self-sustaining so it has really become an outlet for us to have fun and put what we have out there for people to like or not and not get too serious about it. Most of us have full-time 9 to 5-style jobs, one of us is married, some of us are in long-term, serious relationships, so we kinda made our choice, subconsciously or otherwise, at some point that the band wasn’t going to be the pony we bet on. The band is, and has been for a while, a way for 5 dudes who are BFFs to thrust their awkward, pasty frames around on a stage, sweatily attempting skronky jams and hopefully someone will dig it. But, if not, who cares? I’ll go home to the rest of my life that isn’t made up entirely of “we’re gonna be big one day!”
I don’t think I have all the answers but I feel that I can lead by example when it comes to remaining a pleasant individual while frantically gargling the disappointment cum that is the bukkake party of life. So I’m gonna speak on the two main areas of being a bro in a band while also being an older bro:
You Ego vs. Crushing Mediocrity/Obscurity
Here’s a moment of brutal honesty from your pal Jorbam: One of my biggest fears is just being depressingly “OK” at something and just having no one give a fuck ever. Up until Sarge was nice enough to let me prey upon his pre established audience of readers, that was very much the case; I wrote shit and filmed shit that no one besides a few friends consumed out of sheer pity. The democratizing nature of online content makes it so that (without a lot of money for dat advertising) it can be very hard to scream louder than anyone else. I want to entertain people and try and get a few chuckles out of bros as they nod in front their keyboards going: “too right, Jorbam!” I’m like the Rudy of internet pop culture writing. Put me in, coach! I can win them over!
I think being in a small, local band is a good character-building exercise because it strips everything down and shows how you, as a person, deal with weaponized indifference. I’ve driven to a different state to have practice in front of the other bands on the bill and no one else. You have a few choices when faced with something that makes you face your own obscurity in such a blunt manner. You can get super butt-feisty and entitled and angry and post passive-aggressive statuses to your band’s Facebook page or you can just shake your head, chuckle, and then go just play your dumb set and have fun and have a few beers.
I typed “local band” into Google image search and this was the one I chose cuz I need to pad this shit with multimedia yo. Actually, I think what clinched it for this photo is drummer’s way too far apart toms. Whatever works for you, I guess, but I think that shit makes you look like a padawan drummer.
I’ve seen a lot of bands in my time. I’ve seen dudes with ego boxes and synchronized moves and pre-rehearsed, hackneyed stage banter and it’s all fucking hilarious. Not one of the 13 people in this generic rock venue in some depressed, rusted-over, industrial/manufacturing town gives a fuck about your band with a sentence fragment for a name. No one will buy your merch and it’s going to be a long, quiet drive home to get 4 hours of sleepy maybe so you can get up and go to your shit job the next morning. Imagine if you didn’t have these exaggerated expectations of “you’ll sell a ton of merch” or “the promoter will actually do his job and promote” or “suddenly there is gonna be a HUGE demand for an all local/unkown bill on a weeknight”? Imagine if your goal for the night was to try and fuck each other up during a song or try and kick your shoe off into the groin of your rhythm guitar player or try and convince anyone who will listen that your bassit owns his own restaurant called Fuckstain Bellyache’s and that their specality is filling a boot (that the customer brings with them) full of shrimp for a fixed price?
The harder you try, the harder the inevitable will sting. Just sayin’
Ladies vs. Your Band
At a certain point, your band becomes libido poison to the womens. Past a certain age, telling a prospective romantic interest that you’re in a band is like saying “my dick cums expired mayonnaise while my balls sonically emit the audio from the ‘choice’ scene in Sophie’s Choice.” Now, you might think that this would be a bit cold and presumptive of ladies but they have their very valid reasons. Well, ONE reason, really:
“My band is my LIFE, babe.”
I will now make the distinction between when you need to tell a chick “NEXT!” if she get’s shitty about your band and when you need to ctrl-z your life because you are a laughable manchild.
If you’re already on the path that I’ve detailed above: you’re realistic, easy-going, and just kinda having fun with it, and your lady is giving you shit about being a child in a stupid band, it might be time to tell her to fuck the fuck off. Basically, if you could draw comparisons to how your band is like your version of wrenching on a car, starting a fantasy league with your bros, playing some video games, or, fuck, collecting stamps…she needs to calm the fuck down. Your band is a creative outlet and a way for you to have fun with some friends while just kinda “seeing what happens” with it. No harm, no foul.
Now, if you have ever been involved in one of these scenarios:
-”Babe, I HAD to spend our bill money for the month on this rockin’ B. C. Rich Warlock cuz it makes me look super hard on stage! Calm down, bitch! Just work an extra shift at Applebees!”
-“I CAN’T work a full time job cuz what if we get signed?! Can’t you just pick up some overtime? And I’m sooooo sorry that I don’t have a lame dad car like everyone else. I don’t have enough money to own two cars so you’re just going to have to get used to going to Arby’s in the band van!”
-”I know it’s her 4th birthday but Apocalypse of Autumn is only gonna get ONE CHANCE to play this 105.7’s Queef Man and The Jackyl’s Rock Box Presents: Battle of the Bands down at Smeggy Coyotes Bar & Grill! This could be our big break! Our daughter will have other birthdays!”
These are the types of dudes whose band is their life…and what a shitty, lulzy life it is. See, the important thing, as always, is perspective. At some point, you have to accept that your band is closer to a hobby than anything. Your lady shouldn’t tell you what to do with your band as much as you shouldn’t tell her what shoes she thinks are cute as long as your band isn’t the source of a bunch of irresponsible, childish life choices on your part.
Number of g-spots a B.C. Rich Warlock has activated in the history of ever: 0 (this statistic only counts g-spots installed in vaginas that AREN’T attached to 40+ year-old, meth heads with a splotchy, green Iron Maiden tattoo)
I was getting my hair dressed by a hairdresser a while back and we were making the small talk. I’m friends with the guy who used to be the manager at her shop. We grew up playing in bands together and the conversation led to her asking me if I was still in a band/played. I told her “Yeah, I’m in a band called Pandas. We play around here and there and we do ok. We’ve been together a long time. We just kind of ‘weekend warrior’ it though. We’re 5 dumpy dudes just trying to have fun at this point.” This evoked a kind of “melancholy mixed with jealous cheer” from her as she said “See, I wish my boyfriend felt like that! That’s so cool that you can feel that way about your music! They take it so serious!”
I felt super bad for the chick. She came across as a “rock chick” via having “rock chick tattoos,” hair that is of that “it’s kind of ironic that I work at a salon, yet the short, swoopy hair I DO have is bombarded with chemicals/product as if I secretly hate my own hair”, and well…she IS a hairdresser. So I can only assume that her boyfriend’s band is the kind of metal band where more than one dude will be wearing camo shorts and their influences are Lamb of God, Avenged Sevenfold, and like fucking Five Finger Death Punch or some dogshit. She probably has to go to every show at every sad fucking bar lest she get shit for not “supporting him.” I was like: “yeah, well I’ve found that you can’t really take yourself too seriously while playing in front of tens of disinterested people who despise you for being the noise they have to shout over on their night out.” To which she was all like: “Please come have clumsy anal sex with me on my sad, mandatory 30-minute lunch break.” Since I’m too busy promoting rape culture, I hired a Mexican day laborer to act as my proxy. I can assure you that he enjoyed it very much due to his smile, saying the word “America” occasionally, and giving a dual thumbs up with each hand whenever he wasn’t grasping at her sturdy, “I have a job where I stand up most of the day” thighs to find purchase in her proletariat butthole. The portrait I had commissioned of them (by yet another day laborer) sits above my mantle and serves as a reminder of keeping one’s perspective while being in a wildly unpopular band.
Or maybe start a cover band. You’ll actually make money then.
Harshly judge my band here.
Expired mayonnaise here.
Groupons for Fuckstain Bellyache’s here.
funny. should be common sense stuff if you’re over 25.
Any band that plays B.C. Rich guitars is immediately nonlistenable to me. Not only do they look like you’re trying way too hard, but they sound like ass.
A+++++ post! I’m much more content with writing metal and electronic tunes on my off time and working towards getting my education and a dream job on my main time. Money and wifeable opportunities AND artistic fun?! Yes please!
That hairdresser story really picked up at the end.
There should definitely be a similar article geared towards females who date band dudes. As pathetic as manchildren who take their band too seriously are, they don’t compare to the women who chronically date lead singers of shitty local bands who go to every show, give out loud yelps when they’re playing, and say shit like “yeah baby!” after the singer goes on some boring tangent between songs.
this.
starfuckers need an articles
“Jorbam: an erotic life”
This whole post is S-rank material. I don’t plan on ever taking music beyond the having fun thing, and I’ve been told I’m actually good at it by many people whose opinions matter to me. The farthest I’d take it is the Todd Jones/Scott Hull thing, where their bands are really popular in their particular niche but they still aren’t a full-time band because they have big boy jobs. That’s pretty much where I’d like to sit in the musical universe if I’m still making music in the future.
This, Todd Jones has the perfect musician life IMO. He worked hard to get there too, much respect
+1
Oh my god dude, I read the title of this article and was prepared to be bummed out/buttfractured but this just made my week!
40+ year-old, meth heads with a splotchy, green Iron Maiden tattoo
DAT MENTAL IMAGE -3/10
my hobby is drinking while practicing our Fat Wreck core once a week, and then coming home to my russian waifu <3
Great post.
also did not expect it to be so fucking hilarious.
my sides
Very accurate post. Obviously I play in various bands and I’m old, so it’s treated as fun/10
“you need to ctrl-z your life because you are a laughable manchild”
ded. 1 gold star for you, sir
Was seriously having a debate with myself along the lines of “should it be ‘ctrl-z’ or ‘apple-z’?”
Bad Luck 13′s first show
DEAD AS A FUCKING DOORNAIL
Yeah, I’m kinda bummed and depressed because my “fullproof” exit strategy didn’t work. At least I had one though, and am still ahead of many, many bandbros I know still working retail as a career.
There is “that one band” in my town that I thought of the entire time reading this post. Some of their lyrics literally are “I’m still waiting… I’m still holding on…”
………………….
A+ hairdresser story, too. I remember my friend’s EX who is a really chill, nice girl who agreed to be his girlfriend literally not knowing that he played drums in a band, and confessed to me that she was mortified when he randomly invited her to a show one day. He confirmed the story, saying that “her smile instantly turned into a frown, and she asked if I was joking, IDK why”
Via being super self-deprecating, I get the douche chills when a girlfriend or friend wants to come to a show. We certainly aren’t the worst thing they’ll probably ever hear but small-time local bands/shows can just be so. fucking. depressing. Like, they may has well have caught me masturbating (“don’t look at meeeeeeee!”)
And yeah, we all know “that one band” and I was absolutely thinking of those bands when writing this.
Word on the depressing note. Actually, one of the things I love about hardcore is that sometimes super small shows with like 20 kids in a living room/garage can actually be really fun. I’ve gone into that atmosphere with an extremely negative attitude and been pleasantly surprised on many occasions, shit rules
>>expecting to get signed in 2013
>wanting to get signed in 2013
Died @ “spotchy, green Iron Maiden tattoo”….
Hehehe, A+ Jorbam really fucking funny.
You should approach a band by “I’ll just have fun and noodle with my bro’s, not take it too serious” until you actually do become a huge band, in that case you should probably treat it a little different.
Also heard your vidya games podcast, that was really good too!
Thanks for listening, bro! Episode 2 is on its way!
this guys a bit neggy, good article but serious dudes, i live on the bottom of the earth hey, in australia, and my shitty band played with slayer on two tours, festivals, the whole works. its was killer fun and if you kiss the right ass, doesnt matter how shit your band is, just be cool and shit happens.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts_1A8VcsOc
get on some filthy aussie mosh bros.
still shit though.
COME BACK TO MOUNT GAMBIER
PLEASE COME TO BALLARAT
Glad I got out of this after high school :(
Bands where the main goal isn’t fun just don’t make sense.
Sounds like the band I’m in. The other guys take it super srsly and all I just want to do is bring the mosh to spoiled teenagers, have some fun, and possibly acquire some randoms(I’m 20 so there may be a small amount of juice left in that battery still) but probably not since we play mosh core. One of the biggest sausagefests ever and the only girls there are try hards or bored girlfriends. A man can dream I suppose
I was in this scenario too a while back. Dudes wanted to jog on stage and spend money on strobe lights so they’d get “big”, I wanted to write sweet jams and jump around and drink beer. It was actually a major cause of stress in my life to pretend I was on the same page in terms of “making it” as the other dudes when IRL i felt like a fool pretending to be a hotshot band in front of 12 people in shitty towny bars 4 times a month. We eventually parted ways, and it was one of the best decisions I’d made. I know realize there’s no point in making music unless fun is the number one reason for doing it.
Dude, this happened to me in every band I ever played in. I constantly had to deal with bandmates booking shows last minute, 2 states away, on nights when I had college classes or I was scheduled to work my real job. Because “Bro we’re gonna play with a band that is FRIENDS with BORN OF OSIRIS”, or “dude its the ATTILA show, it’s gonna be a huge opportunity for the band”. Or when they reach into your pockets, “Dude we need your portion of the $2,000 its gonna cost to get 1500 physical copies made of our shitty album we recorded in that old guy’s garage.”
I just wanted to have fun, play some tunes, and get away from my real life every once in awhile. But all the other musicians in my area are just so srs about “getting big”; it bums me out.
Fucking loved this post! u had me @ arbys and mexican day laborer.. America.. Fuck yea!!
Fantastic post!
I was able to come to grips with the fact that I would never amount to much in the music world back in the mid-90′s when I found that the only people who liked the songs I wrote were my band mates parents.
My 52 y/o dad plays in a cover band, they make more from one gig then my last band did in our 18 month career
A+ post. I can relate so much to this.
The bands I admire most are the ones like Jorbams’, or bands like Self Defense Family/Worn in Red, where dudes are in (relatively) successful bands but are also old and have real jobs/girlfriends and shit.
Also, listened to Pandas and it wasn’t half bad. Would download illegally and listen to in my car.
You’ll be hearing from our high-priced lawyers then!!! (btw our lawyers = mint-in-box McFarlane Metal Gear Solid action figures).
Yeah it’s all about perspective. If you act like you’re better than a certain scenario or other bands or venue etc. people will smell it instantly and rightfully judge you harshly. It’s all about just having fun in the face of obscurity/mediocrity.
Haha, I played drums with massively far apart toms like that once when I was about 15. I couldn’t work out that I had them mounted all wrong, so just played them like that.
My shitty band, as far as I’m cncerned, is just a chance for us to write and perform shit we like despite it probably having zero mass appeal (brb writing an EP about the rise and fall of Caesar but set in space).
Local bands are either completely out there or so cut and dry it’s painful. Saw a band open for DRI and the singer said this word for word:
“THIS SONGS ABOUT MY DAD… IT’S CALLED FATHER!”
I def lol’d at him before they played and all the leatherskin semi-milfs threw bad looks at me.
Always love your posts. Also listened to you band and I’m digging it. Consider me a new fan :)
“Since I’m too busy promoting rape culture, I hired a Mexican day laborer to act as my proxy.”
You win.
This reminds me of something a friend of mine said once when I was 20 playing at a “Battle Of The Bands” at a local bar where we were allowed a 3 song set and 1st prize was 2 hours of recording time in some shithead-who-just-bought-ProTools-Express’s garage:
“I don’t ever want to be a 40 year old guy who brings 4 guitars (ax, backup ax, drop D ax, backup drop D ax) to one of these things.”
Stuck with me then and sticks with me now. After a certain point this shit should be a hobby with no expectations except for the fun you have doing it with your friends.
How many steps between that bro’s “This band is my life” and becoming the musical instrument store bitter guy that mocks you for everything, “Those are some professional quality strings right there hahaha! Oh, you have a gig tonight? You must be so successful and popular. What hit songs of yours are playing on the radio?” Dude, you make minimum wage teaching kids how to play guitar on Friday nights so their parents don’t have to hear it at home.
It can’t be a fun hobby for them. Those that enjoy live music as a fun hobby are just copouts to them. They want you to harbor the same delusions they never got over getting crushed.
This is why in 2013 you either start a djent band with the prettiest chicken legged boys you can find at your local mall, or do dubstep or witchhaus on your laptop while wearing skinny jeans sagged down to your knees and an upside down cross necklace. Everything else is bound for crushing mediocrity.
A+ post. I have a ton of friends who I wish would read this… I’m also reminded of Car Bomb’s documentary, Why You Do This. Makes a lot of similar points about playing in bands nobody cares about
Great Post Backedhard. I’m 26 with a wife, a house, a career and two newish automobiles. I still play in hardcore bands, and manage to put out records, play about 25-30 shows a year including short tours and long weekends, and generally have a good time. It’s really not much different than if I were friends with a bunch of dudes who were into golf vacations, we just hang out at punk houses and bowl a lot on the road.
I actually kind of admire Ben Sharp, the dude behind a djent/experimental rock project called Cloudkicker, for being the diametric opposite of this. He is way more committed to his day-to-day life than his band stuff, doesn’t bother with labels, gives his music away for free, never plays live shows and regards music as a total casual hobby, which sounds exactly like what you’re saying he should be doing. The kicker is that his project is actually massively acclaimed and pretty popular, and if he could put together a live band and actually set time aside some medium-to-large metal label would snap him up in a second. I just feel like the opposite archetype, the try-hard band dude no-one cares about, is so lame that he must therefore be kind of awesome.