By many accounts, 2012 was one of the best years for cinema in a very long time. All kinds of movies across the film spectrum hit it big critically and financially, be they gigantic tentpole blockbusters, srs business dramatic oscarbait, zany genre deconstructions, over the top violent action burners, and even highfalutin art house films. This past year is gonna be a tough act to follow.
To be sure, not everyone came out a winner
2013 holds great promise though, so I’d like to take a glimpse at what it has in store for us. At this point, you may be thinking “Why do a 2012 review/2013 preview this late in the game when other movie critics did their shit in the beginning of January?” Well for one, as is appropriate for Black History Month, I am currently operating in the CPT standard time zone. More than that though, I wanted to get my fill of the dreaded January dumping grounds before I passed prejudgement on the new year.
If only this movie could have been about the The Ghost of Frederick Douglass terrorizing perpetrators of Black Foolishness from beyond the grave…
For those not aware, January is usually when studios release their worst movies; films that aren’t good enough for award consideration nor appealing enough to gain traction in traditional big spending periods like summertime, memorial day, or the long weekend holidays. Audiences tend to spend the least during this time presumably because everyone is strapped for cash after holiday shopping, kids are back in school, and inclement weather keeps people indoors. Predictably enough, the stigma has held, but I did manage to uncover a few gold nuggets buried amongst the pile of steaming disappointing turds. It turns our Gangster Squad was a serviceable if shallow R-rated shootemup romp, and I enjoyed Arnie’s coming to terms with being an old man action hero in the rotely entertaining The Last Stand. Too bad nobody saw the motherfucker. But perhaps there’s hope in DVD/Blu-ray; Dredd was a spectacular bomb on its opening, but cleaned up big time on home video gaining the #1 spot, apparently confirming the prediction of it becoming a cult hit. And so, with that all out of the way lets take a look at some upcoming attractions….Expounded upon in Haiku form, because I am a pretentious twat.
Jailbait: The Movie
Cant contain the throbbing wang
White kids, Black fetish
Ninjas, Explosions
The Rock & Channing Tatum
Big Dick Cola Keg
White House, Explosions(?)
Should have starred Harrison Ford
“Get Off Of My Lawn!!”
Tom Cruise is…Wall-E
The return of hard Sci-fi
He might run alot
Shymalan presents:
The Last Two Niggas On Earth
“Welcome to Earf, Son”
Kneel before Zod, Bitch
Don’t fuck this up Zack Snyder
Fanboys stay butthurt
Robots, Kaiju, Smash!
Rocket Punch Motherfucker!
….Hope this doesn’t bomb
Alright folks, I hope you are as excited for this year as much as I am. Please feel free to tip us off to other movies you are looking forward to this year. I also want to hear what your favorite movies of 2012 were, since there might be even more overlooked unappreciated gems in the treasure pile that many of us might have never seen. Peace.
Will Sly and Bruce bomb as bad as Arnie and Jason, thus breaking the Action Hero space-time continuum?? Who will save us if this great peril befalls us?? (Protip: It sure as fuck won’t be Tyler Perry) Are you tired of geek property blockbusters?? Which of the Spring Breakers will leak nude pics next???
1st
Where’s my award??? Now??
You are an exceptional human being, thoughtful, considerate, caring, selfless, intelligent, charming and funny, and I love you.
Shymalan presents:
The Last Two Niggas On Earth
“Welcome to Earf, Son”
Ded/10
You’re still a pretentious twat though
You’re a cheeky cunt
My jokes are comedy gold
U wonna go mate?
Ditto on the dead
not shure how he’s pretentious tho (srs) (no wk)
It’s cool, just jokes bro
Gonna run this haiku bit
right into the ground
I figured he joked
but i dont understand joke
can you please respond
u myron my haiku 2?
I called myself that because only pretentious twats and actual Samurai use Haiku.
if you’re pretentious
then we must all be faggots
writing gay haikus
Srsly tho, if Will Smith doesn’t say welcome to earf I’ll be mad.
“Tom Cruise is…Wal-E”
fucking ded bro!
Super stoked for the movies this year. Trailers are seriously the best part of the movies. I want to watch any movie if the trailer is good enough.
did not expect this
vyce brings the poetic flair
STUFF YOU WILL HAIKU
This made me sneezelaugh
Did anyone realize these days film trailers put too much bassdrop in every action sequence?Hm?
What?
It’s impossible to have too many bassdrops.
That’s like saying I’ve had too many orgasms.
Breaking News: Emmure has reportedly signed on to record a song exclusively for the Man Of Steel Soundtrack. They released a lyric teaser on YouTube a few hours ago that was quickly pulled because the magnitude of wiggerocity crashed the YouTube servers. Here’s a snippet of the riveting opus:
You think you’re bad cuz your the last son of Krypton
Well I got some man steel for you to put your lips on
KNEEL BEFORE ZOD……..BITCH!!! *bassdop*
lmoa
Optomistic for
The Spring Breakers porno spoof
Wood fap out of 10
Great post Bro!
Staring Amia Miley, April O’Neil, Lexi Belle, and Chastity Lynn.
Please tell me this exists/will happen
fukken lol at the descriptions, made me 10x more excited about the movies than the actual trailers.
“And Victus steps up to the plate… Here comes the pitch… AND VICTUS KNOCKS IT OUT OF THE PARK! HOME RUN!”
alwayz lookin 4wurd 2 ur posts vyce
2013: One movie I am psyched for is Elysium, can Blomkamp bring da ruckus twice in a row? I have seen some pics and it has me excited, lots of realistic looking future guns with sweet corporate logos on them.
I think in 2012 I enjoyed Dredd the most, cause it was so different from what all the other action flicks are doing right now, in that it was just brutal yet beautiful at the same time and it was a day in the life of everyone involved, the world was not saved, just a bunch of people in a building getting fucked up on drugs and justice. You know Dredd is just going to be out doing the same ol shit the next day and the next day. A world that can’t be saved, only stopped from slipping any further.
I really am stoked about this “Hard Sci-Fi” resurgence, and am definitely looking forward to Elysium. As I mentioned before, I also try to keep abreast of international cinema news. I am particularly excited about Korean director Bong Joon-ho’s english debut Snow Piercer, an adaptation of a graphic novel about a massive train housing the last survivors of an apocalyptic ice age. As much fun as the Marvel Phase 1 and Batman movies were, I get a little tired of the kid friendly sensibilities of geek properties, so It’s nice to see new movies being created with fantastical elements that aren’t afraid to have an edge. Cameron and Scott used to do this all the time with great success, so I’m looking forward to what the next generation of film makers can do.
this is list is approved by my 13 year old cousin with Down’s Syndrome.
Cool! I am glad his disability doesn’t stop him from having a good time and enjoy life. Let us know what one he ends up liking the most.
the only movie franchise worth seeing was the diary of wimpy kids: dog dayz
btw sarge, if you want i can write a guest post/review on the diary of wimpy kid: rodrick’s rules saga. just let me no c:
Pain and Gain, get pumped bitches! The Rock, Mark Wahlberg and Rebel Wilson as bodybuilders, Michael Bay directs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnNyyU9FK9g
Yes, absolutely! I was going to post this along with the upcoming Snitch, but I didn’t want The Rock over saturation. The Rock and Marky Mark are excellent and dependable in every role they play, even if the quality of the movies themselves are… questionable. I am also excited about Wahlberg and Denzel teaming up in 2 Guns, a twist on the charismatic interracial buddy cop comedy (both are undercover agents but neither knows the other is undercover!) which looks like the last will and testament of Tony Scott.
I can’t get enough of The Rock lately, he’s become a larger than life yet mega broish absolute 21st century hero imo. His cheat meal pictures are legendary.
Tony Scott + Denzel = full of win; they’re the Kinski & Herzog of action movies, cept they prolly don’t hate each other’s guts.
Mirin your movie knowledge, Vyce, and the article is hilarious!
Shiit, totally forgot that TS died. What a bummer :(
last will and testament – gotta learn to comprehend what I read tho
SPRING BREAKERS WITH GUCCI MANE! YUS PLZZZZZZ!
absolutely lost it @ “big dick cola keg”
“Kneel before Zod”
please let that be a reference to Berserk #fullweeaboo
…Not sure if serious, but thats the famous line from the villain in Superman II. In this reboot he will be played by Michael “psychotic rage monster” Shannon.
My fave for 2012 is probs a 4 way tie between django, dark knight rises, 5 year engagement, and celeste and Jesse forever. Definitely stoked on a lot of movies coming out this year. I’m finna see Pacific rim in IMAX.
Jailbait: The Movie
Cant contain the throbbing wang
White kids, Black fetish
more like white girls, brown/black fetish
am i right or am i right? >=D