Every once in a blue moon, the stars align just right that culture, music, creativity, fashion, and a little divine intervention combine to produce a piece of intellectual art on a level that few people understand, appreciate, or anticipate. My friends, one of those moments are upon us. I give you: SAND’s video for “POSER”:
Where to start? I can’t tear my eyes off the screen the moment it starts, and they linger on the screen well after the video ends. At times like this I wish there was a movie of my life starring myself: the camera pans over to me, sitting in a darkened room, Mahler’s Adagietto playing in the background, and a single tear rolls down my face when the video ends. My laptop’s screen displays me the related videos of Danny Diablo and Drowning, but pucker my lips, resolute in my convictions, and click “replay”. Tears are streaming down my face now; I lay down as the guitar intro begins, and die softly in my sleep, knowing life will never be this euphoric ever again. Roll to credits.
My step-by-step guide to “POSER”:
0:00 – 0:10 – Initial impressions: graffiti. Half pipes and grinds. More baseball jerseys than Ichiro Suzuki sells in a year. More skull bandannas than Avenged Sevenfold wear in a year. Baseball bat intimidation and tattoos. I’m sold.
0:12 – Breakdance mosh. With the perfect storm of J/K-pop dance phenomena influencing an entire generation of eastern youth, we all knew it was going to happen someday.
0:21 – Back alley switchblade intimidation with Realtree/Hunter camo jackets. Street ignorance and functionally-misplaced camo = #bonar
0:28 – A tempo change so sudden and misplaced that it almost transcends ignorance to the level of sublime satire.
0:36 – I AM SO GLAD NINJA BATTLE BREAKDANCE MOSH IS NOW A THING. Notice how it is more akin to a rap battle than a Xibalba set: the crowd stands back, intently watching the dancers fluid movements, hands scratching chins and brows furrowed in concentration. I half expect one to raise up a sign: “8.0″, while another raises “8.5″. Spinkick technique worthy of Olympic scrutinization.
0:40 – The lyrics begin. Until this point, ASAP Ferg had some of my favorite lyrics of 2013. No longer. Very advanced putting the lyrics on screen – I could find myself watching this at a foreign art house film exposition. Notice how “ethics book class” pronunciation is lost in translation. Next-level modern translation critique that is profoundly intentional.
0:44 – “A model father/Sundays in church” = notice the failed camera lip synch, an throwback to Japanese Kaiju classic films.
0:56 – Fucking incredible Suiside-Silence style vocals. I. Am. Moshing. I view this as a rather delayed tribute to Mitch Lucker’s passing and foreign vocal influence.
1:14 – Your lyrics sound like some kid slamming cheap beers. Mind = bottled.
1:35 – Overly aggressive and unnecessary skateboard smash
1:51 – Meta-breakdown? I wish it would have a more satisfactory crowd-killing induced ending to it, but goes back into the vocal tomfoolery:
Don’t make me smile/that plastic style/that styled hair/that pop star makeup/what a terrible joke
I’m unsure whether this is a critique of 2009-era neoncore or a modernist critique of Kawaii culture. I’m going to believe the third route of “ironic minimalist lyrical art”, rather than actually hating on those two amazing gifts to post-2000 culture.
2:08 – Your pretty frarse face
2:17 – my deathcore vocal boner is about 2006% – 2009% erect
2:41 – siq POSER breakdown
2:57 – goshdamnit lookit that cute lil’ bulldoggy and how fucking happy he is. The stark contrast of his ignorant animalistic humor juxtaposed against the wignorant hardstyle figure on the right is sublime at the very least.
forreal, POSER is a mediocre song at best, but mediocre in the best ways possible. I’m looking forward to give this album a chance when it comes out, placing it somewhere between “Slapshot” and “Fist of the North Star” in terms of bands that are kinda shitty on the surface but I kinda care about <3