Holding up my autographed RISE AGAINST CD. So stoked that I have something to remind me of the time I was face to face with the band who got me through my battle with anorexia. Hope they noticed that it was the limited edition digipak- like maybe later that night Tim was like “Zach did u see that kid who had the digipak he really stood out from all the other fans I can tell how much our music means to him.”

I know I’m talking too fast, but when I am in front of the camera I am just like “omg my mouth can’t keep up with my brain.” So much to say about the music that inspires me… I don’t have a lot of friends at my school but idc because I feel closer to my Youtube subscribers than any of them. THIS IS A FAMILY lol

I use a fake name on Twitter so I can say whatever I want and not worry if a kid from my school reads it!

Can’t wait for the ATTACK ATTACK docu to come out and tell the real story behind Austin’s departure from the band. I hope it is an unflinching, fearless snapshot of the raw emotions that everybody was feeling at the time. IDK I want to talk about this more but feel like I shouldn’t. Afraid I already talk too much about scene guys and I am not ready to come out of the closet yet.

As a bit of an armchair observer of American subcultures (via being lazy and uncommitted), I love when you can pinpoint that one thingthat kicked off a major trend. Ever since the early ’90s, everyone and their brother is either tattoo’ed or pierced… and that little book above is the reason why.

Now you know who to thank for this shithead... mirin that cheap as shit cutlery!

Re/Search were pretty popular publishers of ‘alternative’ info back in the ’80s (you know, back when people would read that kind of shit?) – several of their books were fairly ‘important’: “Industrial Culture Handbook” and “Incredibly Strange Films” each had significant impact on their particular topic, but no book of theirs exploded quite like “Modern Primitives”.

Typical 90's "Urban Attention Seeker"

The book is basically a gross out fest (more on that in a sec), and it was in every record store/alternative bookstore I went into back then… the distribution on this must have been huge for them. Opening the book you were greeted to black and white photos of basically *everything* being stuck/pierced/tattoo’ed. Great for ‘freaking out the squares’ or whatever…

Greasy skin, kinda chinky eyes... def in touch with his 'primitive self'!

But the impact of the book… it basically took piercing out of the gay S&M subculture and made it popular for every trailer park dirtbag to stick some metal somewhere on their body. The funny thing is that the book goes to great length to establish ‘body modification’ as some kind of necessary re-connection to our ‘primitive past’ vs. a mildly more socially acceptable version of cutting. And to do that the book is so text-dense – double column small type for the entire thing! Here’s the TL;DR version: “These are pics of how coked up homos deal with their shame and mommy issues – if you think it looks cool, try it!”

No Homo?

The largest section of the book is made up of an interview with Fakir Musafar – apparently an ‘important figure’ in the body modification community – who talks ad nauseum about the historical background of piercing and shit – which is really lulzy when you think of your average 16 year old with daddy issues and snakebites as ‘reconnecting with an ancient tradition’! I still love looking a kids with huge stretched ears and thinking how well they would do in sub-Saharan Africa eating dried corn and dust…

My nightmare = getting stuck sitting next to this dude.. you know he's just dying for you to ask about the stikas...

The rest of the book is interviews with increasingly obscure people (like ManWoman – a dude with swastikas all over his arms, you know, to ‘reclaim them’ and Genesis P-Orridge who is always up for a freaky interview). And lots and lots of disgusting pics. Like looking at a bifurcated (split in half) penis*? A bull dyke with fishing sinkers on her 3+ inch labia? A cock with 15+ rings in it’s urethea? This book is for you!

THANK YOU FOR SAVING OUR TRADITIONS WHITE PEOPLE!!

*Just a comment on that pic – I’ve known about it for 20 plus years now, seen some crazy shit since I first saw it, and it’s still the most fucked-up, bizarre things I can think of. What damage when on in your life that doing *that* somehow makes it better… headshake.mov

Wen I play “HTML roolz dude” on my 256MB Zune I feel liek my soul is getting restored 2 showroom condition <3 music is my liaf!~

via Band Confessions

Many of you are probably fortunate enough to not know what cisgender means because you haven’t encountered any butthurt womynists and that’s fine because it’s a made up word any way. It literally means “not transgender” because someone felt the need to create a term to describe 99.99% of the population. Which makes about as much sense as creating a new word to describe people who don’t experience synesthesia.

Merriam-Webster’s best guess is what your grandpa uses to keep his pants up.

Womynists claim the “cis” in “cisgender” comes from Latin and means “the near side” or something. I don’t know for sure because I don’t speak terrorist.  What it boils down to is if you were born with a penis or a vagina and are fine with that you are what womynists call cisgendered. I’m not writing this post however just because people pointlessly made up a word. The real issue I take is how the term gets thrown around. It seems the word was mostly made up so womynists had something they could easily dispense while insulting people who don’t have a burning desire to feel special like them.

Your first encounter with the word is much more likely to be someone trying to shame you for identifying with your biological sex like most people and calling you a “cisgendered pig” than it is to be someone simply telling you, “If you were born a male/female and identify with that then you are considered ‘cisgendered.’” The strangest thing about this phenomenon is that a lot of these people who sling this term around as an insult are cisgendered themselves.

However unlike the rest of us they suffer from crippling cases of white foolishness and have a strong need to feel like they’re special and unique individuals. They are not interesting people nor do they do interesting things and apparently can’t settle for just telling people about how Irish or Italian they are so they shoehorn themselves into minority circles and white knight them. This makes them feel like a benevolent king who cares for his peasants. They feel that they are genuinely good people because they as a superior middle to upper class white person pretend to feel so much for those lesser peoples.

What better way could we put a stop to this white foolishness than to start a Cis Pride movement? Don’t worry, much like any other causes people of the Western world take up in the 21st century it won’t require any actual effort. I won’t even ask you to go pretend you’re making a difference by living like a hobo who owns expensive Apple products for a month or two like those Occupy people. Literally all you have to do is next time someone shames you for being a cisgendered pig just stand up and say, “I’m proud to be cis and I won’t let you shame me. I didn’t ask to be born this way but I am what I am and I will not let you make me feel like less of a person because of it.”

Will you stand outside the fire as your fellow cis people are shamed for how they were born? Will you choose to live a life that is not tried but merely survived?

I try hard to be a chill guy, but I can’t lie: there are still a few things that make me raeg uncontrollably even though they really shouldn’t. At the top of the list is Adult Swim/Wonder Showzen ‘zany humor 4 alternative adults who got picked on in high school.’ Yeah dudes you’re so fucking edgy and clever, that thing you do with “a cartoon cat gets his head cut off and the other cartoon cats stand around making dry, sarcastic comments about it like a bunch of fggt hipsters” thing is totally not played out and predictable.

Anyway… since there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing people you hate get their butts hurt, so I started thinking: What kind of a TV show could we make to shock, offend and disgust the smug fggts who think they’re too jaded and cynical to be shocked or offended?? I present to you KEEGAN & CODY’S SICK LIFE!

In a nutshell, think of it as “Real Housewives” meets “Punked”: it follows two rich skateboarders named Keegan and Cody who live with their parents in Orange County as they play “pranks” on the unsuspecting public. Only since they are spoiled white brats who think the world revolves around them, their idea of a “prank” is more like victimizing some unfortunate asshole who never even saw it coming. A couple ideas for segments:

EARLY RISERS
Every Tuesday, the maintenance crew touches up the lawns in Keegan & Cody’s gated community. It’s Tuesday at 5AM, and K&C are ready with a hilarious surprise for the gardeners that make this a morning to remember! Military music plays in the background as the guys suit up for war like the beginning of Commando: putting on dark clothes, checking their nightvision camera, and filling up their backpacks with unidentified objects that the boys seem to be handling very carefully.

Undercover of the early morning darkness, the cameraman follows behind them, capturing grainy, jittery footage like on COPS as the guys approach a pickup truck full of Mexican gardeners who are sleepily unloading their tools. Keegan reaches into his backpack, pulling out a small round object, then yells “BUENAS DIAS!!!” The gardeners look up startled as the guys pelt them with rotten eggs and run away into the darkness. Camera ends on a shot of one of the guys shaking his head and cursing, trying to wipe the rotten egg whites off his work shirt.

BIG TIPPER
K&C go to some crappy diner in San Bernardino, and start chatting with the waitress. She looks tired, and explains that she is a single mom who works two jobs to support her daughter. “Word,” says Cody (who looks like he’s trying not to laugh for some reason that isn’t clear), “that’s real tight. But yeah listen we have to bounce, here’s some skrilla for our food, keep the change” and they leave hurriedly, giggling to themselves. The waitress watches them walk out with a puzzled look on her face, then shrugs before picking up their dishes and the $50 bill they left as payment. She sweeps a plate out of the way with one hand, grabs the bill with the other, then recoils in horrer: it’s covered in human feces!

Cut to the guys inside their Escalade, laughing so hard they can hardly breathe: “Bro! Bro!! Did you see her face?! She was like ‘OH MY GOD MY HAND IS COVERED IN SHIT!!!!’ Dude I thought I was going to die, that was off the fucking hook dude!!!” Operation Ivy is on the stereo.

POOL PARTY
It’s Keegan’s little sister Kory’s 18th birthday party, and she’s having an epic pool party to celebrate. Anybody who’s anybody will be there, including Keegan & Cody’s friends in their early 20s. After a montage of hot, slutty jailbait drinking, dancing and being annoying with a Dead Kennedys song in the background, it cuts to Kory in a bikini standing on the keg and waving her arms. “Hey everybody!! Are you guys having FUN??!” she yells, “So yeah, thank you all for coming, and I just want to– EEEEEEEEK!”

She is interrupted by Keegan pulling her bikini top down. She turns around in shock to see who did it, only to be surprised again as Cody dumps a pitcher of ice cold beer on her head. “Happy birthday, sis!!” Keegan says and high-fives Cody. It takes a second for everything to sink in, but her shocked expression turns into a smile, and covers up her tits with one hand as she holds up a beer with the other and screams “WOOOOOOOOO!”

SUP FAGOTS SUK OUR DICKS LOL YOU’D LIKE THAT WOULDNT U???

In case it isn’t blindingly obvious, I spend a lot of time overanalyzing dumb shit that kids do on the internet. I realized that teenagers are dumb, but they aren’t stupid- especially the cool ones who kind of realize that they are teenagers, so anything they do at this point in their life is going to be derpy and embarrassing and they might as well just go for with with zero fucks given.

For example, this awesome kid and his awesome vocal covers of shitty hardcore bands. I probably shouldn’t think these are as funny as I do, but fuck it– I have the sense of humor of a 10th grader and I am OK with that.

Strong tags (srs). Hard lol @ “black people” #nextlevel

“Uh… I’m gonna be doing a vocal cover of the rock n roll band Bayside. My mom went to sleep so I can be louder now.” Saying the phrase “rock n roll” is the kind of attention to detail that elevates this to genius status!

Pretty sure this kid is the 15 year-old version of me?

Subscribe to THE ANIMAL CRACKERS on Youtube and tell him to do a STEREOS cover next!

Do you ever sit around in your room, thinking about nothing, but kind of thinking about everything and just wondering about stuff? Like, “what does Taylor Swift’s bike seat smell like?” and “do other guys finger themselves every now and then??” We may never know the answers to those questions, but if you have ever asked yourself what it would be like if KOTTONMOUTH KINGS merged with DEEZ NUTS, we do have an answer: YOUR OWN DESTROYER.

Song starts off with “I pledge allegiance to the game, and the united hustlers of America. And to all the narcs that fill my hand, no snitchin, duck and dodge. Stay invisible, stack as many chips and don’t trust a bitch. Stick to the script and protect your neck,” then goes into a bunch of breakdowns and nu-metal riffs with rapping parts thrown in here and there aka ITS THE BEST THING EVER.

The first line in this song is “I will protect your name forever, my nigz.” Then there is something about white tees and a shoutout to Suicide Krew. I WISH ALL BANDS WERE EXACTLY THIS (srs)

If your band doesn’t have a car that says “SCENE KILLERS” on the front in the Eazy-E font, you aren’t shit! GET ON MY LEVEL.

BEST FUCKING BAND, OR BEST FUCKING BAND??? Say what you want about the 209 but whatever they are putting in the water up there, you better get some if you want to bring the mosh like Lose None, YOD, and Recognize!!!

Hit these guys up on Facebook and tell them SYWH sent you! Backed hard!!

nm, just chillin in my room, trying 2 decide which lyrics would look most meaningful on top of this blurry picture of a forest

There are some people who just seem to be lightning rods for internet raeg. Anything they say or do on the internets attracts legions of butthurt, angry fggts who just can’t resist sharing their excessively strong, unsolicted negative opinions. I am one of these people, and I am pretty sure tr00 pop punk girl is too, based on response to her latest video:

That awkward moment when you have the same musical taste as a 16 year-old girl

I am not sure why this would make anybody angry, because most of it is literally just her reading her iTunes playlist to the camera. Based on the fact that her last video generated 150 stangry, humorless comments on here, I can only conclude that (like me) she has that special gift of provoking directionless, lulzy raeg. The best part is that one of butthurt fggts used a SYWH meme:

I imagine him defiantly clicking the thumbs down button with a maniacal grin on his face, and shouting at his monitor “Take THAT, bitch!” Then from down the hall his mom says “I told you, we don’t use the b-word in this house!”

Stoked that someone used the phrase “tr00 pop punk” somewhere other than SYWH, but I am concerned that BlitzMaulPwn is drunk with power. Guise, the dislike button is not a toy! DISLIKES ARE FOREVER!! Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.

<3 u butthurt fggts u make my world go round

You may remember ENDWORLD as the lulzy Australian band who made that “YOU ARE A SCUM SLUT” video. They have a new video that’s mildly amusing, but I didn’t finish watching it because I am completely mesmerized by this incredibly awkward, weird photo of them.

A few thoughts, from left to right:

• Grey shirt guy’s left arm looks all gimpy, like he just has a stump with a little flipper and some vienna sausages dangling off of it. Strong cerebral palsy pose, too.
• Bro in the tank top caught in mid-derp, as though he is looking at a Youtube tutorial on how to make a W with your hands. “Wait, show me the middle part again?”
• Guy in the middle pulling on his Lil Wayne shirt so you can see the graphic better. He is standing really stiff and has a super intense, focused look on his face like “So fucking stoked. This is my moment. My Weezy shirt is going to blow their minds.”
• Why does the guy in the plain black shirt have massive hands that are twice as big as his face??? And is the guy to the right shooped in, or is he a fucking giant?? It’s not the perspective or lens, because the background isn’t warped, and the guy on the far left isn’t distorted.
• Are they standing in a carport? It looks like the floor, walls and ceiling are all made of stucco. A stucco floor would be really weird. Do they have stucco floors in Australia??? So confused.

OH SHIT

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

In what could be the biggest nu metal event of 2012 this side of the new E Town Concrete song, Mushroomhead have announced on their facebook page that there are tentative plans to tour with the defining metal band of our generation, SLIPKNOT!!!!!

So of course people in a nu metal band cannot construct a readable statement, that joke isn’t funny, but from what I gather the message is that if there is a noticeable demand for this tour, the Powers That Be at SLIPKNOT will make it a reality. THIS IS IMPORTANT, THIS MEANS YOU NEED TO JOIN THE MOST RELEVANT AND MEANINGFUL CAUSE OF OUR TIME, OR ALL TIME: THE FILTHY MAGGOT JUMPDAFUCKUP WE CAN IF WE WANT TO FUCK YOU DAD SLIPKNOT/MUSHROOMHEAD TOUR!!!!

You can be a REAL hero by joining up with this group of other enlightened ones.  This is our time. The time is now. The future is now. We are the future. We are the youth of the nation. We have the ability. HELP MAKE THIS DREAM TOUR HAPPEN!!!!

I leave you with pure inspiration for the cause, nay, the movement:

U CANT TAKE MY SOUL AWAY FROM ME!!!

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ONE OF THE CHOSEN FEW WHO FULLY FUNDERSTAND THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS SITUATION AND WHAT IT MEANS FOR HUMANITY AS A SPECIES? WHICH ALBUM IS YOUR FAVORITE FROM BOTH BANDS? WHY IS LIVE SLIPKNOT SO MUCH BETTER THAN RECORDED SLIPKNOT? AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU STAYED (SIC) LONG ENOUGH TO FINALLY SEE THIS DAY??????

I usually avoid posting anything metal-related on SYWH (for fear of attracting metal fans), but I like this particular piece enough that I’ll make an exception. This is from when I had a “column” in Terrorizer, and Varg had just gotten out of prison or whatever. My only regret is the last paragraph :( Wish I wasn’t such a pussy and didn’t fag out/ruin the joke. Oh well, at least I got to use the phrase “when Sepultura got a black to sing for them” and make a ZOG reference.

I also just remembered this video I made- wish I would have made the edit tighter, that would have made it more funny

Recognizing that I am both brilliant and a visionary, I thought that I would offer my services, for free, and add philanthroper to the list.  This new series on SYWH is called SYWH Consulting, and it will focus on how a terrible/out of touch band can become successful or relevant.  For the first installment, I thought I would look at a band that has flown its “Freak flag” practically since its inception:  Cynic.

First we should look at the most important aspect of a band being relevant or popular:  the personal brand.

Some suggestions for on-stage apparel.

Right now, Cynic’s only real media presence is this series of blogs written by singer/guitarist Paul Masvidal on the infamous smut peddling site metalsucks.net.  The most recently/commonly explored topic in this series of posts is the spots in which Paul has meditated at  various stops on Cynic’s current tour, although topics of spirituality and pseudo-philosophy are also common.  Obviously this is very bad for PR, and should be stopped immediately.  Instead, we at SYWHC recommend Paul changing the topic from meditating to a more common, relatable one: keg standing.

Recent studies show that keg stands are totally sweet as fuck, and that meditation is for homosexuals.  I would like to take this moment to note that we at SYWHC are in no way racist against gays, but they represent a very small portion of total population, so aiming 100% of your marketing power at that demographic is a poor choice for sure!

The next element of Cynic that needs to be revamped is the music.

As you can see, there are numerous sub-elements that need revamping within this larger element.  We will only specifically talk about one for the sake of brevity.  First and foremost is the lack of bass drops.  The song starts out slowly with only guitar, and then the beat drops at around :15 in the above video.  Somehow the band had the wherewithal to have a drop, but not to actually drop the bass!  This might have been an accidental omission, but these kinds of things are important, and to completely forget to add the 808 drops to your album is a fatal flaw that will ensure that no dimes will want to grind to this track, which is ultimately the point of all music.

There are ultimately two paths that lead to Cynic’s musical success; they have only to choose one and stick with it!

The first of these paths is to adopt a more djent-oriented sound.  This is the more logical, safer choice.  Current djent bands owe much to Cynic.  However, Cynic refuses to adapt in a changing market place, and as a result popularity is steadily declining.  This is the change that would allow Cynic to retain the highest percentage of their current fan-base, while bringing in a new demographic of people who are essentially this generation’s version of Cynic fans from their era of origination.  Why any band would wish for this outcome is beyond us, but it is commonly requested.  As expert consultants, we at SYWHC do not recommend this path, but ultimately it is up to the band members.

The slightly riskier move is to follow in the foot steps of pioneers KoRn and begin adding elements of dubstep to the established Cynic sound.  In fact, we recommend that mastermind Paul eliminate all band members save for himself and make the switch fully to dubstep as quickly as possible.  This is going to be Cynic’s quickest path to making attractive females like their music.  The hardest part about this change would be convincing girls to not be creeped out by Paul who is now in his forties.  This would be compounded by Paul’s likely lack of ability to cake on hoes, but it is nothing that wouldn’t work itself out eventually given enough time and effort on the part of the band.

]]> http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/2012/02/sywh-consulting-making-cynic-relevant-to-a-generation/feed/ 45 http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/2012/02/he-will-never-regret-this-tattoo-mosh4christ-edition/ http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/2012/02/he-will-never-regret-this-tattoo-mosh4christ-edition/#comments Fri, 17 Feb 2012 17:01:50 +0000 Sergeant D http://www.stuffyouwillhate.com/?p=4800 Continue reading →]]>

in b4 his aunt says the book was better than the movie

in b4 God shakes his head and says “Look I really appreciate the gesture but come on…”

in b4 she enters her hipster phase and has to explain it to every new guy she fucks

in b4 the guys reveal their Underoath tattoos and they agree never to talk about this again

I’m not a homosexual, so I don’t really follow art. But when I do, it’s the motion design of JUSTIN HARDER and the music by his bff Chaz Windus aka BLAZING LAZER (in b4 lol u said harder). If you watched cable between 2002-2006, you definitely saw their work, because they did the show opens for like 60% of all programming on VH1, MTV, and Fuel.

Basically, these guys were the Suiside Silence of motion graphics at the time: butthurt oldfags shit-talked them like crazy (“generic, fake, trendy, derp”), but meanwhile every single designer and musician on the planet was biting their style and Justin/Chaz were too busy working to give a fuck.

Justin’s 2004 reel made people really mad because “he has HIS OWN SONG omg he’s so arrogant who does he think he is.” Much like Eurocore dum dums who get mad at everything, the joke was completely lost on them, as well as the fact that the song is fucking awesome.

Neon everywhere. Smoking hot OTW bish (Justin’s girlfriend at the time, I think). Sweet electropop song. THIS IS PERFECT.

By now it’s probably obvious why I love their work so much: lots of bright colors, fun illustrations of skateboards and hot air balloons, and upbeat electro songs that borrow melodies from Sega Genesis games. I can definitely see why East Coast people hated on their work, because it’s very, very LA (specifically, super strong Venice hipster vibe) and people from the East Coast hate anything that they think is “too LA” (via being uptight fggts who think they are s0 hardcore). If they wanted to go maximum overtroll and alienate LA people too, they could include a shoutout to the 909, but I digress.

Chaz is the brains behind this track by a fake Belgian rapper named Von Von Von. The video is nothing special but I am real into the song.

In 2006 Justin started a studio called LAMBO (like the car– sick name huh brah??). I think this is some of their best work, taking a lot of his earlier ideas and building them way out, thanks to bigger budgets than basic cable channels (aka, greater than $0). Music by SOUNDS RED aka the guy from that band Soviet.

“Praun” is an animation for a WeWorkForThem DVD around 2003. I am completely in love with this song, and it makes my balls hurt to think about how much work it must have been to animate this pixel-art style.

This FUEL spot has the same super simple, borderline non-animation as Justin’s earlier work, but the use of textures in the graphics makes it way more organic and interesting than flat vectors.

But what I really love about these guys isn’t just their style, it’s the same reason I love Big Chocolate, Joe Rogan, and South Park Studios. If I may put on my srsfag hat for a moment, I am really inspired by people like them who are super talented, extremely prolific, but still really down to earth. I love the approach of “make as much stuff as you can, as fast as you can, and if one of your projects turns out kinda shitty it’s no big deal because you have 5 more in the works.” It’s the basic formula for how I try to do things, so big ups to the people who showed me how it’s done!

Any girl who wears these = Would beer bong a pint of Vincent Bennet’s ball sweat just to watch her suck Thanos’ dick/10

Credit to SYWH forum poster Truffles for the shooping!

With the music industry more crowded than ever, and consumers’ attention spans at an all-time low, it’s never been harder for bands to make it. IMO the most important thing for an up-and-coming band is to make sure that people know how to categorize them, because who wants to go to the trouble of listening to a band they might not like?? It’s kind of like when you go to buy some jeans, and they have everything from classic super skinny to easy relaxed fit to slim tailored straight leg, and you are just like “2 much work 4 me. Fuck it, I’ll just keep wearing these.”

For example, I was spending the day looking for generic grassy field metalcore videos to make fun of as I often do, and came across this confusing specimen by VICTORY SWEET VICTORY. Watch it with the sound off and guess their genre based on the visual elements: Orange amps in a grassy field, oldfag guitars, wiggerish drummer in a Rebel 8 shirt, and a giant helping of scruffy beards?? To my surprise they’re not troo pop punk/Risecore/srscore, but Disneypunk!

I started out writing this post as a joke, but then I saw this comment on the video and realized I was kinda right. Self-trolled??

Bros, don’t you know it’s just going to confuse people when you don’t rigidly adhere to the aesthetic conventions of your genre?? Whats next, dubstep producers with names like DJ VERB THE NOUN, pop punk bands in puffy vests, and slam bands in neon shuttershades???

Many people think I’m joking when I talk about how much I love EMMURE. I have no idea why they would think I’m being sarcastic about liking a retarded, wiggerish moshcore band with songs about sucking dick and Transformers. Well, I guess when I write it out like that, I can see where there are coming from. But just for the record, although they are definitely lulzy, I seriously, non-ironically think Emmure are amazing and one of the best bands of this generation.

They just released a promo for their new album, “SlavE To ThE GamE,” which reminds of all those early 80s movies where someone would get sucked into a videogame and have to fight their way out, you are like “Whoa that was trippy, videogames are sweet but duuuuude it would be hella scary if you had to fight a robot for real!!!” Lulziness of the promo aside, listen to the song when it comes in at :35– it goes hard as FUCK! Sick nu-metal riffs and and ridiculously brutal “bleh”??? I’M IN.

But more importantly, check out their “package deal” for girls: EMMURE LEGGINGS. Mind = blown, penis = throbbing. Brb fapping to this thumbnail (I put my hand over the back of Thanos Reignz’ head so I wouldn’t accidentally look at it when I cum, like when you are watching porn and they surprise you by switching to a rearview doggystyle shot and the last thing you see before your jizz squirts out is the guy’s taint/asshole).

Thanks to reader Aristo for awaring us to this amazing development!!

I’m not sure why, but the heart of so-called Seattle hardcore has always been the shitty suburbs to the south: Kent, Renton, Federal Way, and so forth. I assume that’s because it’s full of trash, angry kids from poor-ish dysfunctional homes, and those are the raw ingredients for a vibrant hardcore scene. The crappy town of Auburn, WA was home to not only the Auburn Annex (sweetest venue ever) but also KGRG, which has a long history of awesome punk/hardcore radio shows.

Even though I kind of hate South King County, I can’t deny it’s place in NWHC history, and was super stoked to be interviewed for DEAD AIR HARDCORE RADIO on KGRG a while back. This is a lot less obnoxious than the CMHWAK interview I did the other day, and a lot closer to what I am actually like IRL. Which probably also makes it more boring (via my dull personality).

Download here from Mediafire, or listen below on Jewtube!

part 1/3

part 2/3

part 3/3

In b4 I sound like even more of a phaggot in this interview

Generally speaking, I avoid posting about anything metal-related, primarily because I don’t want to attract metal fans and all their excessively strong, unsolicited opinions and butthurt, humorless comments. But there are exceptions to every rule (via cliches), and there are some things that just can’t be passed up.

Is this how I sounded in the CMHWAK interview? What can I say, we are both West Coast bros who like to get down like that.

This retrospective on Christian hardcore and metal by former Tooth & Nail/Solid State A&R Roy Culver is one of those things. It features a bunch of sweet bands like LIVING SACRIFICE and BELIEVER, but most importantly it includes a look at Roger Martinez of VENGEANCE RISING, who went full retard in spectacular fashion (and I predict many of today’s metalcore4christ icons will follow in his footsteps, via extremism and immaturity):

After the release of Once Dead, the band’s second record, everyone left Vengeance Rising except Martinez who would go on to release a record called Released Upon the Earth. It was shortly after the release of this album that Roger began speaking out against Christianity, the church, his former band-mates, his record label and calling himself a Satanist and/or an atheist (they were one and the same in the circles he used to run in) depending on which interview you read. Sometimes he was lucid but more often than not he sounded insane as he made threats to hurt if not outright kill the people he formerly played music or worked in ministry with.

Read more here, and also check out Roy’s excellent “Best of Solid State” post!

I’ll be honest, I am not a huge fan of holidays in general. I like the part where you don’t have to go to work/school, but for the most part I’m just reminded of all the annoying, embarrassing, painful things that seem to happen to me on every single holiday.

For example, Valentine’s Day. On paper, it sounds great. In practice, it doesn’t exactly live up to the expectations of a generation of girls raised on “The Notebook,” and usually ends with some combination of tears, yelling, alcohol, and blue balls. Or maybe I’m just a fuckup and I’ve been doing it wrong all these years, who knows!

Here’s a few different ways I’ve spent holidays, you be the judge (all 100% true):

• Valentine’s Day: Spending a ton of time and money trying to do something really romantic and special for my (former) girlfriend, then listening to her go on for hours about how it wasn’t good enough and I obviously didn’t even try
• Valentine’s Day: Stabbing the guts of a bish I had been crushing on for years but could never creep on because I had a gf (who didn’t even want to be with me anymore and eventually dumped me)
• St Patrick’s day: Being on coke, adderall, ambien, oxy and alcohol by 6pm and stabbing the guts of some random bish I met 20 minutes beforehand [via doing anything to distract me from the pain of a recent breakup]
• Halloween: Cancelling a date with a 5.5/10 because I accidentally got blackout drunk, sharted in my car then threw my underwear in the alley behind some hipster arcade, puked and went home to pass out

But you know what?? In spite of all that, I’m still a romantic at heart! I may have been through a few heartbreaking moments, but I’m still a big teddy bear– call me old fashioned if you want, but I just couldn’t stop myself from including a special message to my number one girl Jess Bowen. Maybe if we all tweet this at her, she will finally see how much I care!!!

Dear Jess: You have the ability. You are good and lovely. I love you.

How will you be spending V-Day?? Does anyone other than 14 year-old girls actually look forward to it?? Wood u WK Jess Bowen until she put a restraining order on you???? U mirin my successful life choices???