I’m equal parts scientist and daydreamer, so I spend a lot of time thinking about experiments I would do if I had unlimited time, budget and staff. There are just so many questions that need to be answered! Like, what if we went around with tranquilizer guns and darted every chubby girl with low-self esteem, rolled them over and inspected their blubbery, pale underbelly: how many would have an ALKALINE TRIO tattoo on their hip or forearm?? I want to say it would be at least 70%, but without data I would only be guessing!

I’m not a fat girl with low self-esteem, so I’ve never really been able to get why they all love ALKALINE TRIO so much. But if a lot of other people like something, I try my hardest to like it or at least understand why they do. I’ve skimmed through the ALK 3 catalog a few times over the years a couple times, and I can only find two songs I like, although to be fair I absolutely LOVE both of these:

If there is a pop-punk regretcore hall of fame, “Stupid Kid” is definitely a first-round inductee. It’s basically like if “What’s My Age Again” was written by the poor kid who lived in a trailer with his alcoholic single mom, instead of well-adjusted kids who grew up in Poway with their happily-married parents. I like to think that instead of being about a girl, “Remember when I said I love you? Well forget it, I take it back” is self-directed.

“Take Lots With Alcohol” approaches MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK levels of self-loathing, dark lyrics masked by catchy, upbeat pop-punk. Entry-levelers might mistake this for whiny beta-ness, but if you are an advanced-level student of self-destructive behavior and genuine depression you can tell this song is the product of an authentic fuckup who hates himself.

Did I shortchange ALK 3? Are there any other songs that I’m missing out on? Will I liek them even tho I’m not a chubby girl who cries herself to sleep???

This is a great question in its own right, but also brings up a larger point about one of the biggest mistakes that younger brahs make.

P much every romcom or teen movie includes some scene in which the guy ‘pours his heart out’ to the bish, confessing that he’s always loved her, she ‘is his everything’, etc etc etc. Or it could be the opposite side of the coin, and they have an intense, tearful exchange where he says ‘it’s just not working for him.’ Either way, thanks to movies and TV, a lot of dudes think that the best way to address a bish-related situation is by confronting it head-on and telling her exactly how he feels. THIS COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG!

PROTIP: Do not try this at home

It is almost always a horrible idea to have a ‘srs talk’ about stuff, unless it’s your absolute last resort. Taking the ‘srs talk’ route because it worked for Ryan Gosling in a movie is like fighting 3 guys with baseball bats in an alley because Batman looked cool when he did it: that shit only works in movies, bro. IRL, bishes are too emotional to handle directness, and the ‘srs talk’ will quickly become a shitstorm of tears and anger.

Getting back to the original question, anon is wise to be concerned. As some old guy said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” especially when crazy bishes are concerned. Since their primary motivation in lief is getting validated by getting as much male attention as possible, they react especially badly when they feel dissed and rejected. The ‘srs talk’ approach (in which you sit the crazy bish down and tell her you’re not into her) is almost certain to blow up in your face. She could stalk you, blow up your phone for weeks, fuck with your job, or just act so insane that you’re always looking over your shoulder when you’re out at the bar because you know if she shows up it will be shitstorm of drama/10.

This is a hilarious exchange but the better move would be to not respond until the next morning, then just reply with a simple “lol you were wasted.” This way she won’t feel dissed or embarrassed, which means she is 75% less likely to do something insane and dramatic.

You need to let her down one little piece at a time, rather than in one fell swoop. The best tactic here is the fadeout, which is essentially just slowly tapering off all contact with her. Don’t suddenly quit hanging out, just start flaking on plans here and there. Don’t reply to all of her texts, and respond slowly to the ones you do reply to. Over the course of a week or two, she’ll get the point. And if she tries to confront you about it (“Are you trying to get rid of me?!!”) just dodge the question in a charming way: “Pffff you know I love you *insincere smile*” Eventually she’ll either get the hint or be so annoyed with you that she just doesn’t want you anymore, and you’re off the hook with a minimal amount of drama!

Finally, this is also the best way to end things with a nice girl. It’s way easier on them to think “IDK, we just kinda stopped talking, whatever” than “WTF he like sat me down and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore! What’s wrong with me?!”

“I’m not a faggot I only listen to rap not any of that metal or country bullshit” – ya boi Kay-J

Not sure how or why this happened, but it did. My thoughts:

• Song is p crappy other than my bb KREAY’s part, feel like I could srs do better if you gave me a weekend to work on it :(
• I was going to say that if they make a video for this, my boner will prob explode, but then I remembered Melissa has grose hand and neck tattoos now, which reduced my boner to a semi :(
• MILLIONAIRES should stick to making cutesy pop songs in which they ride the line between sweeties and sluts, which they are extremely good at. When they try to be ‘edgy and show that they can rly rap,’ they do not have the ability :(
• Always felt like they had the charisma and image to be semi-big (where that is defined as ‘doing a tour with T-MILLS that 65% fills up 250-cap venues that ABANDON ALL SHIPS headline at), but their achilles heel has always been their super inconsistent, mostly wack production. Sad 4 ur inability to find good producers to work with, bbs. NO TWOSTACKS? NOT MUSIC :(

wat u think?????

Although I’ve never even been arrested, I happen to know 4 people in prison for murder (one of whom is my aunt), have 5 or 6 uncles who are felons, and know a zillion other people who for whatever reason are essentially career criminals. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always been a magnet for fuckups, scumbags and criminals, and I count some of them as my best friends. That said, you are right to be a little leery and sketched out. Here’s my take on being friends with scary criminals:

They can turn on you at any time, for no apparent reason
Think of these kind of friends as having a pet tiger: chances are everything will be fine, but there’s always a possibility that one day it will decide to maul you half to death. No matter how tight you are with them, shit can go south any time with these types, especially when drugs are involved (eg, they’re strung out, need a fix, or are so high they don’t know what the fuck is happening). Do not ever let yourself think “They only do fucked up shit to OTHER people, they’d never do anything to ME.”

If you are thinking “Hanging out with these guys seems like a great way to accidentally ruin my life,” you are correct (and I’m sure they would agree).

You can very easily end up in over your head
Let’s say your scumbag friend asks you for a ride to the store, because of course he doesn’t have a car. You’re in a hurry so you’re speeding a little, get pulled over and the cops find drugs and guns on your friend. All of sudden you get charged with a felony or two, your car gets impounded, and your life just burned down. Or the cops show up at his tattoo shop and he asks you to hold his gun– you can’t really say no, but now you might be in possession of a murder weapon. Even if the charges get dropped, having drug or gun arrests on your record can follow you for years. Point being, it’s playing with fire to hang out with these people and you might get burned.

They can be great friends
Given how risky and fucked up it can be to have criminal friends, why bother? Although the smart choice is probably NOT to hang out with these types, the ironic part is that they can be some of the best friends you could wish for: super chill, fun, loyal and always good for ridiculous stories.

Trying to impress these guys with how ‘down’ you are = chapter one in the book of incredibly foolish ideas. No matter how convinced you are that you can hang at their level, you are wrong. And it will end badly.

Dont try to be down
The important part is to make sure you set boundaries, and let them know that although you’re friends, you are on a different path. The best way to end up caught up in some shit is trying to impress them, because impressing them means doing something really fucking stupid. Just think of their criminal activity as a hobby they spend a lot of time on, which is totally cool to hear about, you’re just not interested in participating. It won’t make them respect you more if you try to be down– in fact, just the opposite: if you have your shit together but are still hang out scumbags even though aren’t one, they’ll respect you a lot more.

Always have an ‘escape route’
Given that things can get fucked up in an instant when you’re with these guys, make sure you always have an out. That could be as literal as not letting them be your only ride to a super sketchy party, or something more general like “Dude, you know I can’t get kicked out of school” when they ask you to help them sell Xanax on campus or something.

It’s been five years since skramz heroes Dance Gavin Dance put out the legendary dtbm1. Reflect for that a while. Really take it in. If you don’t know who Dance Gavin Dance are, allow me to introduce you, skramz heathen.

Five fucking years. Damn. This has Jonny Craig – AKA the Justin Timberlake of skram – and his soulful leanings mixed with revered skramz priest Jon Mess – AKA the best lyricist ever. Of course you can’t understate the value of Will Swan and Sean O’Sullivan’s incendiary guitar battles, while Eric Lodge and Matt Mingus not only keeps up with the awesomeness, they fucking own it. dtbm1 for life. Skram life. Happy Birthday dtbm1.

That’s right kids, you heard it first, right here: our bro BIG CHOCOLATE aka DISFIGURING THE GODDESS is giving you a chance to drop a guest vocal on the next DTG album in this exclusive contest! Watch the video above for details, but the rules are p simple:

• Purchase/otherwise obtain the new DISFIGURING THE GODDESS album, which includes instrumental versions of all the songs (buy the CD here /// get on iTunes here // see video for instructions on piracy)
• Make a video of yourself doing something awesome with the songs! It can be a cover, a complete remake, a tightly choreographed dance routine that should have been in “YOU GOT SERVED,” or anything else as long as it’s awesome. ACTING THE FOOL IS ENCOURAGED and awesomeness is the #1 judging criteria!!
• Post a link to your video in the comments to this post and/or video replies on Youtube
• Your video will be reviewed by our panel of EXCLUSIVE CELEBRITY JUDGES: DJ TWOSTACKS, producer of Kreayshawn “Gucci Gucci” // Shiv The Impaler of  7 HORNS 7 EYES // Jonathan Carpenter of THE CONTORTIONIST, Nate Johnson of FIT FOR AN AUTOPSY/PREMONITIONS OF WAR // Brendon Small, creator of METALOCALYPSE
• The winner will get a GUEST VOCAL SPOT on the next DTG album! That’s right, you will be INTERNET FAMOUS!!!! Runners up will get $50 and $25 merch cards, which is p cool too.
• Submissions are due by MAY 30th, and winners will be selected by JUNE 15

What are you waiting for?? Make a video already! Then when you’re done, make another one!! And don’t forget to BE AWESOME!.

U mirin Kitty’s DEFEND TR00 SKRAM button??

If you are a nerdy white dude who has a thing for really young, petite indie girls with large vocabularies, you are probably already a huge fan of Youtube rapper KITTY PRYDE. As if creepy betas needed any more reasons to be madly in love with her (as you all are, if the srs 100+ texts I have gotten about her are any indication), it turns out that she is not only a SYWH reader but also reps skramz (every beta’s favorite subgenre)! Who knew?? On this episode of the SYWHCast, SYWH correspondent and skram emperor ALEX BIGMAN chatted with her and her skram boyfriend that says Alex is his idol (srs).

Her debut video for you to fawn over. Maybe once she gets mnstrm-famous she will get me as much search traffic as KREAYSHAWN does!

Subscribe to the SYWHCast in iTunes // Holler at Kitty on Twitter and tell her SYWH sent you!

If you understand this, congratulations! just go straight to the comments!

The “Friend Zone“, coined by the popular TV show Friends, apparently about a group of people living in their own zone, is generally used as a term to described a friendship between two people where one of them thinks they should fuck and other one is totally not into that. In popular culture it’s discussed all the time, including in a pretty sweet Ryan Reynold’s movie with a weak ending, if you can even watch that far without getting lost in his eyes. Seriously.

But there seems to be a huge misconception about what is really happening here. Most ‘nice guys‘ hate having to be someone’s friend when their only interest was banging, and then get all pissed at the girl. And probably perfectly fine girls get shit on for not dating what is probably a really whiny/annoying/ugly dude just cause he hangs around all the time. The friend zone is thought of as a prison for guys with a lady warden, when really its just sad betas fucking up their lives, being bitter, and pretending to be nice guys cause they’re mad they got rejected. Let’s talk about some FACTS to keep you from ending up where you don’t want to be!

1. You Can Only Friend Zone Yourself

This happens quick, be ready! (luv u RR <3)

This is incredibly important to understand, and it should be taught in middle school. If you are Friend Zoned it is 100% the fault of your own, and you can’t blame anyone else. Doesn’t matter what you do, how you are perceived by others is not their problem.  You really gotta make some moves from the get go, so you can see if their is any hope for a relationship (or casual sex), or at least become an option down the road if you stick around. But if those moves don’t work you gotta take your rejection as an opportunity for personal growth, instead of getting all pissed at the lady rejecting you, cause its not her fault for not being into you.

Some dudes get it into their head that they’re really nice to a girl she’ll just fuck them, which really on paper doesn’t sound like a practice that makes any sense. So they just spend all their time piling on compliments and favors in a futile attempt to be seen as not a friend (when they’re really just being a really good friend) and then blame the girl for never being attracted to them from the start. If someone thinks you’re their friend and you want to date, they don’t have to, and most likely they do not want to. You can’t hang out with a group of girls every Saturday night and then blame them when no one wants to have an orgy. Why would your friends suddenly just want to fuck in a big pile? You do that with your Craigslist friends who responded to the orgy post. Friends don’t do shit like that, and if you don’t like it, good news!

2. Friendship is Like, Totally Voluntary

What kind of fucked up friendship is that? ‘Hey man, I’mma force you to do all these things for me while I bitch about some dude and then leave because I am clearly just using you for free favors.’ But don’t blame her for taking advantage of the situation, no one has a gun to the dude’s head. You don’t have to go over to some girl with a boyfriend’s place to move her piano whenever she calls, you can literally go do anything else. If you want to help someone out go for it man, but don’t get all pissy when you don’t get a blowjob, you knew that shit wasn’t coming when you drove over there. All time and effort wasted is your bad, shoulda known better man.

If you don’t want to be someone’s friend, then don’t, totally not hard. If they ain’t interested its always best to get over it and move the fuck on. If you just want to fuck them and don’t like them as a person stop responding to their shit, most likely they won’t really care that much anyway. All for doing favors for friends, but if you gotta a shitty friend who asks for shit all the time but ‘can’t find their phone’ whenever you need some help, might be time to cut some friends, even if you totally thought you were gonna get some that one time.

3. Forced Relationships are a Bad Idea

So you miss the dating opportunity, but you don’t want to break off contact with the girl, now you got a friendship. Its great having friends of the opposite sex (or same sex, what up gay bros), and actually its a little weird if you don’t. Usually when people fuck up their friendships with ladies, its cause they’re forcing a relationship that has no place there. If there’s a mutual attraction tho, go for it. Not guaranteed to work of course but a lot people get in great relationships this way. Worst case scenario you lose one friend, and you can avoid that by not fucking each other over and going into a bad break up. This isn’t that big of a deal.

But its pretty easy to tell when the other person is not into you, and that situation its important to not force a relationship. Find someone who is into you and keep your friend around. When they’re not into it and you try to force a relationship just ’cause you really want it’, you’re probably just gonna creep ‘em out and create a really awkward situation that does not need to exist. Rule of thumb, if you can’t get at least get a friends with benefits scenario going (the living together before marriage of dating a friend), should probably give up on the girl. Their are literally billions of others. Know your role, if you friendzoned yourself and are fine with it, have fun with your friend and don’t get hung up on her. If you don’t want a friend, you just gotta get over the girl, move on, and quit wasting your life complaining about some sex you was never gonna get. Its sad man.

Don’t you hate dudes complaining about friendzoning? Do you feel for hot chicks with a ton of friendbros bugging them all the time that will never get it? Do you have any chill lady friends or friends with benefits (brofist)? Shouldn’t that Ryan Reynolds movie have ended with him not marrying that girl, realizing they were never friends cause he was just obsessed with her and that’s what she’s doing now and then they start an actual friendship while he goes on to bang tons of hot actresses?

Miss u, easycore-era FIGHT FAIR :(

I’m a pretty hardcore racist, but one group I’ve always liked is the Jews. After all, they are the people to thank for everything from bagels and Natalie Portman to ZOG and 9/11! For this edition of the SYWHCast, I rounded up two of my favorite Jews: my cohost ShawnYouWillHate and our guest Evan Henkel of FIGHT FAIR. We chatted about the latest news in the music world (bet you kant wait to hear Evan’s thoughts on the track listing for the new MEMPHIS MAY FIRE album), did a little Loveline-style advice segment, and sucking a baby’s dick when you circumcise him (srs).

Check out Evan’s new video series WAITING ROOM (moar liek bating room amirite?!) and follow him on Twitter! DEFEND EASYCORE // RIP EASYCORE.

anon has the ability, mirin

In American high school sports there are two tiers. The good players are on what’s called the varsity team, and the kids who aren’t very good but have to be included for the sake of ‘fairness’ and ‘everybody having a chance to play’ are on the junior varsity (or JV) team. Music works the same way, so I’ve always used the term “JV” to describe those awkward bands who try really hard, but just don’t have what it takes. You feel bad for them, because it’s obvious how bad they want it, but at the same time it makes you really uncomfortable to watch them do everything a little wrong.

This band called WHEN GIANTS FALL is a perfect example of a JV band, like if you made an off-brand, bootleg version of PARAMORE and smuggled it across the border in a crate of JEDWARD merch. I was really really hoping they would be the next COURAGE MY LOVE, but I just can’t convince myself that they have the ability :( Notes:

• Bish seems nice but she should not be allowed anywhere near a microphone :(
• The G-rated setting is cute, but didn’t know they have amusement parks like this in the UK. They must get really crowded on the 2.5 days of sunny weather. And don’t all the rides get covered in moss and ivy??
• Least enthusiastic performance video ever? They pretty much just stand in place, awkwardly swaying a little bit in an attempt to seem ‘into it.’ Feel like I’m watching some Bulgarian snuff porn and an Azerbaijani mobster in a track suit is standing just out of frame with a gun and saying ‘Dence. DENCE I SAID!!!’
• Guitarist’s checkered strap suggests that he only recently graduated from his ska phase
• :44 her outfit is screaming “an Euro”: baggyish t-shirt with Fred Perry-style logo tucked into high-waisted jeans with a braided leather belt
• 1:25 Behind-the-drums shot of their 6 friends moshing to the ‘breakdown’ makes me sad inside. Reminds me of when you see some kid with terminal brain cancer on TV talking about how he wants to be an astronaut and you’re like ‘awwww the poor little guy has no idea how badly his dreams are going to get crushed.”

Liek WHEN GIANTS FALL on Bookface– tell them they seem like nice kids, and you hope they someday acquire the ability!

All of these are from http://cooltattoogirl.tumblr.com/ a inspiring tumbler blog i look at alot

I’m p sure I have a curse on me. But not a cool one where a corpse rises from the grave and chases me, or I can see people’s dreams or whatever: my curse is that every time I get on an airplane, the person next to me is deathly ill with a fucking wet, hacking cough. I get sick easily when I travel, so the whole time I’m on the plane I am just thinking about how badly I want to stab this asshole every time they cough their grose germs on me, but there’s nothing I can do because I’m stuck next to them for 5 more hours so all I can do is hope they don’t infect me with mouth AIDS.

When you are surrounded by diseased people, it’s only a matter of time before they infect you with their sickness. Maybe your immune system will resist it for a while, but sooner or later you’ll come down with something, which is why it’s so fucking annoying to sit next to the sick person on the airplane. I was jamming this ABCABB song in the gym one day when I realized that negativity is also an infection: when you are surrounded by negative people, it’s only a matter of time before you get infected by them.

Nobody is saying it but everyone is thinking it / Nobody is saying it but everyone is sick of that shit / Get fucked!

This is what people don’t understand when they’re like “SARJENT D U SHOULDNT LET DA FANS RUIN [BAND/GENRE X] FOR YOU,,, UR IN THE NO FUN CLUB.” But that’s like telling someone “u shouldn’t let that vagrant’s dripping wound give you herpes, don’t let him control u liek dat.” It’s not a choice, they WILL eventually infect you no matter what. This is why I quit doing my old metal blog. The comments became full of negativity, and although I tried to ignore them, eventually the constant stream of anger and butthurt got to me and I had to pull the plug before I got infected. When surrounded by people who are infected with negativity, don’t get mad, don’t try to change them, just GTFO!

It’s the same reason I p much only go to Tumblrcore/Warped Tour/mallcore shows these days: the kids there are awesome to be around because instead of being cynical assholes standing around with their arms folded and talking shit on everything, they’re losing their minds, singing along to all the words, and just being generally awesome. It’s also why I srs really appreciate the commenters on SYWH. There’s the occasional butthurt fggt, but for the most part it’s an oasis of awesome, chill bros who are also really smart, really funny and also tell me when I’m being negative and/or need to apply ointment to my butt (no WK). It’s hard to believe that there are this many people on the internet who aren’t faggots, but I think it’s pretty awesome and I srs heart u all. Sorry if this was too heartfelt/ghey but it had to be said ♥

TL;DR version:

• deathcore changes lives
• disregard negative fggt imbeciles, acquire positive circle of friends

It’s always funny when you are close enough to understand why other people care about it, but far enough away that you yourself don’t care about it. Like when your girlfriend comes home and spends an hour telling you how this one girl at work is such a bitch because she always makes other people fill out her TPS reports but omg the boss doesn’t even see what she is doing!!!

This is how I feel about the band CONFESSION. They are famous because singer Michael Crafter (or just Crafter, as the kids call him) was on the Australian version of Big Brother and was in that formulaicore band I KILLED THE PROM QUEEN, and also BURY YOUR DEAD for a week. A bunch of people sent me links about how he is kicking everybody else out of the band, with lots of Facebook drama ensuing, but I’m not Australian so I don’t care. That said, I do think they have 1 awesome song and some pretty sweet merch so let’s just talk about that instead!

The title of this video is “MOSH CLIP,” and accurate title is accurate! Wish all their songs were this sweet :(

Fig 1, the most Aussie shirt ever. It’s so cute how they would say ‘rippuh’ and they call a hoodie a ‘jumpah’!! Why are Australians so cute and awesome, and not grose uptight buttholes like Euros???

rly wish the fonts/layouts were the same on both so it would be a perfect matching set, like how black people will walk into a store, pick up a mustard yellow velour track jacket and ask the clerk ‘Yall got the pants for dis?’ and then she’s like “No sorry, we just have the jacket’ and they’re like ‘Aw, aight den’ in a disappointed tone of voice and walk out

Basically, I feel like Australia is basically the cooler version of Canada, in that there are tons of bands that are seemingly massive there, but essentially nobody in the US gives a fuck about them other than very advanced-level Tumblrbros/sluts. I’m not putting them down (in fact, far from it, Aus seems SUHWEET), I’m just saying it’s one of those countries that might as well be a parallel universe when it comes to music.

Everybody is talking about KITTY PRYDE and how she’s the new KREAYSHAWN, but I’m sorry they are NOT real fans because THERE IS ONLY ONE KREAY and NOBODY can replace her, at least not in my heart ♥ The most interesting aspect is that unlike KREAYSHAWN, who is considered ‘not real music,’ hipsters/fggts/etc are apparently allowed to like KITTY PRYDE as a “guilty pleasure.” This is because she is much less threatening than KREAYSHAWN (translation: kind of homely, bordering on grose) and she ‘can actually rap’ (translation: tries really hard to be clever and wordy). Also, note the built-in nerdbaiting in her name– “OMG SHE LIEKS ENTRY-LEVEL COMICS BE MY WAIFU”

This is the KITTY PRYDE song about OK Cupid. NO TWOSTACKS? NOT MUSIC.

So basically, in the same way as MIA was the hipster BRITNEY SPEARS, KITTY PRYDE is p much just the LADY SOVEREIGN or 2012. Anyways enough about KITTY PRYDE, let’s talk about a couple new KREAYSHAWN videos!!

This is a video about KREAY’s trip to Japan, which apparently was mostly spent wandering around different stores with her iPad. Wood follow her around all day while she shopped/10 ♥ Also, note the shoutout to NORM

Here’s KREAY doing a song with zany internet personality ANDY MILONAKIS. I memorized all the his lines and I say them out loud so it feels like *I’m* the one hanging out with KREAYSHAWN. Like a POV porn video, only not creepy or weird because I just want to kick it with her and bounce creative ideas off each other. Even if we are just friends I’m ok with that because after she gets to know me better she will start to see me as more than a friend!

I'm not sad anymore bro

You know Gabe Saporta, frontman of the solid pop band Cobra Starship, like best friends with Pete Wentz of the Fallin Boys, teen heart throb, myspace visionary, mid level mainstream icon, a dude who will probably still be able to get tickets to MTV award shows for another year or two if his agent calls early enough. Generally cool dude that makes fun music and has good times. So its hard to believe that before he became this:

He was THIS:

Part of sad emo punk band Midtown. One of those bands with fans who like them cause ‘they mean sooo much to me’ like exclusively. I lyric searched a song at random, and this first one had a lot of lulzy/sad lines like:

“I don’t care where you come from/If it’s awful there,
All of us are alone, I forget where I come from/And I don’t care”

“So what’s wrong?/I think too much, I don’t want to fuck you/I don’t want to touch, I just want to fill you with regret/I’ve said it all before, it’s pointless”

So angsty and deep. sex is so pointless right? I’m totally empty insiiide likea big oceannn. I just want to sit in my room until high school is overrr. Would never guess that some bro this sad and loserish would be able to turn his life around and make fun pop music, but he totally did! Another JAM example:

Midtown understandably broke up because they didn’t really have a big fanbase and people were losing interest in them. Then Gabe started Cobra Starship after doing a bunch of peyote and going on a vision quest. Not sure if I would recommend that right away, but can’t argue with results. Dude has made a solid amount of hits, got to the billboard top five, and gets to work with sexy Rihanna-lites like Sabi, with extreme cuteness levels. Very jealous.

Mmmm, so fine. So for every sad, way serious, preachy, I’ve-got-life-figured-out-at-20-let-me-tell-you-about-it tr00 pop punk bro that thinks ‘real music‘ is a thing and gets high off not having any fun, there is some hope. If sad lil Gabe Saporta can overcome his angsty fake-deep phase and become the fun pop music making chill bro he is, anyone can! And I guess the only side effect is sad lonely teenagers being really bitter you got on with your life. Not bad at all.

Ok, ok  I dont think we’ve had a rap song in this category, but why the fuck not? The new era of rap is just as mosh worthy as any deathcore band out there. I dare you to listen to “Flockaveli” and not wanna go hard in da pit. So im about to change things up. Im gonna show you a new rap song that makes me wanna punch holes through people.

this song will instantly get stuck in your head. I dare you to listen to it twice and not have “same damn time” pulsating through your ears and into your conscience.

Fuck you, this song is mosh worthy.

-~{ DOWNLOAD HERE JERKIN }~-

They say the only things you can count on in life are death and taxes, but there’s one more sure thing: if you try to have a fun, positive conversation about music on the internet, a bunch of fggts will show up and rain on the parade with their negative bullshit. This is because they are miserable, insecure people who attempt to make themselves feel better by dragging other people down and/or aspies who don’t get that when you barf out your unsolicted, excessively strong opinions people don’t think ‘u rly know what you’re talking about,’ they think you’re an asshole with a big mouth.

Of course, we have all been guilty of being ‘that guy’ before (some of us more than others). It’s OK, nobody’s perfect *pats you affectionately on the butt* The important thing is that we document musicfag behavior so we can a) call them out on it and b) make sure we don’t act like musicfags ourselves.

In no particular order, here are some common tropes I’ve identified (in the style of TV Tropes). Add your own in the comments– but please note, I would like to avoid using metal-related examples (so we don’t attract ‘them’).

STOP LIKING THAT THING U LIEK

This is the most common, basic musicfag trope and essentially boils down to “raining on the parade.” Someone is enjoying music?? Better put a stop to that! It is not enough for him to simply inform you that he doesn’t like it, he must get YOU to STOP liking it. This is because musicfags are miserable people, and they experience extreme buttpain when they see other people enjoying themselves.

START LIKING THAT THING U DON’T LIEK

And then there is the flipside of the coin, in which the musicfag asserts his superiority by telling you what you should like (in a tone implying a mix of disgust and pity). It’s rarely used on its own, but rather in combination with “STOP LIKING THAT THAT U LIEK.”

Lettuce see how fggts use this combo in the context of food (via an Adam Carolla bit). You are eating a delicious Big Mac when some foodfag shakes his head at you in disappointment: “McDonalds?! If you want a REAL burger you HAVE TO go to Buttfuck’s in Chicago!!” Aside from the fact that it’s pretty gay to discourage another person from liking something, what are you supposed to do, throw the rest of the burger in the garbage and get on the next flight to Chicago??

STOP LIKING WAT I LIEK

Finally, the third trope in the ‘your tastes are invalid’ triumvirate, which is generally used defensively. It is most commonly seen when a pet band becomes The Next Big Thing and undesirables start jocking them– for example, “PREPS SIGHTED AT HOT TOPIC.” This is very threatening to the Special Snowflake Status of the musicfag, which makes their butts hurt very badly.

X DID IT FIRST

This is sort of a variation on “STOP LIKING THAT THING U LIEK,” in which the musicfag dismisses the band you like by saying “Meh, [oldfag band] did that WAY before [band you like." Obviously this is idiotic: there is no inherent relationship between first to market and quality, or we would all be listening to Real Audio files on our Diamond Rio players. But that's beside the point: the musicfag doesn't care about the music itself, he only cares about demonstrating that he 'rly knows wat he is talking about.' And then everybody is like, "Cool story bro but I like this band, so what was your point again?"

U LIEK X?? U SHOULD LIEK Y INSTEAD

Like "X DID IT FIRST," the intent of this trope is to show how elevated the musicfag's taste is by suggesting a similar, yet ostensibly superior band to whichever one you like. For example, if your status is "Rediscovering how great BLINK-182 is, so fun!!" the musicfag will chime in with "Meh, [SOME GAY BAND] is way better at pop-punk IMO.”

X > Y

I won’t lie, this one makes my butt hurt every single time I see it, perhaps because it’s the ultimate aspie ‘YOUR OPINION IS INVALID’ trope. I always picture the person behind it as Dwight Schrute, only in a CONVERGE shirt and pressed for time because he needs to get back to his mechanical engineering homework.

Y U NO INCLUDE [MY PET BAND]

This one also makes me pretty buttfrustrated. You’ll see it in every single post I’ve ever done about a genre: rather than actually discussing the content of the post itself, about 50% of the comments will be musicfags asking “NO [BAND X]?? Y U NO INCLUDE THEM???” This enrages me, because it’s not fucking wikipedia and I’m not trying to make a comprehensive list of every goddamn band in the genre IT’S A COMEDY BLOG. I didn’t include [BAND X] because either a) I don’t really like them or b) I ran out of space. Problem??

IF U NO LIEK X, U DON’T LIEK FUN

And finally, I’ve noticed many musicfags trying to use my own tricks against me, such as the pathetic attempt above. Nice try bro, but you’re not fooling anyone– I can smell the filth of gay on you from a mile away!