POLL: why is Halloween so popular with annoying, alternative white people?

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It’s October, and you know what that means: alternative white people won’t shut the fuck up about how excited they are for Halloween. Whether it’s lots of unwanted details about all the various ideas they have for zany costumes, lists of what zombie movies they’ll be watching this weekend, or just gushing about “omggggg i can’t wait for halloween *pumpkin emoji*”, you can bet your paycheck that every alternative white person on your social media will be bombarding you about it all month.

In this post, I will list some of the reasons that this holiday annoys me so much. Please help me think of more, because I’m sure I missed some!

back to f costume

When parents use their child as a zany prop/excuse to force lame, nerdy pop-culture references from their own childhood onto the world

matty mullins

not rly an example of the above but i couldn’t resist posting this pic of a young matty mullins

man w baby 1

manchildren who use halloween as a reason to sperg out by making an embarrassingly elaborate costume (bonus points if they follow up with lots of unsolicited information on their upcoming DIY horror movie and their plans for the makeup effects– extra bonus if they punish you with details on how practical effects are better than all the cheap CGI in today’s movies)

scuplting

pls tell me more about ur VHS horror movie collection and how Wishmaster 4 is akshually an underrated classic

someecards

ppl who make IRL versions of internet memes *exasperated face emoji*. Basically the human version of the “stale memes” section of the t-shirt wall at Hot Topic.

ironic man

this is “ironic man.” u know this smug asshole is just burning with desire for u to ask him what his costume is so he can tell u the punchline and everybody will tell him how clever he is and instagram it while he sips his craft beer and pats himself on the back for being so witty

there are few genres of music that irritate me as much as halloween-core. this song might conjure up visions of jack o’lanterns and movie monsters in your head, but all I can think about is girls with Betty Page hair and fat arms making facebook updates about their rollerderby league’s halloween extravaganza

lol @ ppl pretending there was anything at all good about SAMHAIN other than their (admittedly sick) logo. have you ever actually LISTENED to them?! holy shit they’re bad. literally sounds like two different bands playing at once, and they are both out of tune. like CRASS, only without the smart, funny lyrics.

nohalloween

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Tyler Carter’s mom repping XIBALBA

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In case you ever doubted that ISSUES is the most advanced band of our generation, they somehow just managed to topp Tyler Carter wearing a NAILS shirt on stage

 

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the dude from abandon all ships started a rapcore band that sounds like a down-tuned version of fury of five

angelo(not actually from the Bronx or Harlem)

Many tears were shed tonight by Canada’s trancecore youth as Abandon All Ships played their farewell show in their hometown of Toronto. But they’re not out of the music game just yet because lead vocalist Angelo has just debuted his new band.

I’m admiring the “street” aesthetic with the brick wall and graffiti font. The parental advisory sticker is so 1999 rap metal which makes sense because I’m hearing some Limp Bizkit influences with the DJ scratching. Were those added in by Pauly D? I’m not sure if he plans on making this a full band or if he’s just going to keep it a solo project so he can try and collect the money he lost during the last Abandon All Ships tour through iTunes downloads but either way, I’m looking forward to hearing more.

Like Sine of the Lion on Facebook

What do u think of Angelo’s new project? Do u think it will take off or will it somehow manage to be even less popular than Abandon All Ships’ last album? Is it not too late for him to hop on the nu-core trend or should he just try to hide the fact that he’s Canadian like he’s probably already doing so he can join The New Wave of American Hard Rock as soon as possible?

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CRUEL HAND join the NEW WAVE OF AMERICAN HARD ROCK

If u thought that the “going full HOOBASTANK” thing was limited the big scene bands of yesteryear trying to claw their way to mainstream stardom, u thought wrong. Once the darlings of the RIDETHELIGHTNINGCORE scene, Maine’s CRUEL HAND are now a part of the growing NEW WAVE OF AMERICAN HARD ROCK.

More specifically, they sound almost exactly like the second NO WARNING album, which was widely hated at the time for “sounding like LINKIN PARK.” That’s definitely what I thought at the time, but listening now I am kind of puzzled as to what we were all so upset about. Maybe my brain has just been numbed by all the mind-bottling musical development of the past ten years (this came out in 2004, or a full 4 years BC ['before crunkcore']) but when I listen to it now I don’t really get what all the hate was about.

Either way, here we go– expect yesterday’s ENTOMBED/TYPE O/MERCHSWAPCORE trendhoppers to be tomorrow’s THOUSAND FOOT KRUTCH clones!

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Joyce Manor thinks that stage-diving is completely unacceptable

Let that be a lesson to all young aspiring stage-divers: NEVER STAGE DIVE DURING AN ORGCORE BAND’S SET. THEY ARE OLD MEN WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND THE LIFESTYLES OF THE YOUTH. THEY HAVE THE SAME SET OF VALUES AS YOUR PARENTS. They are probably used to telling their kids similar things. Don’t cuss! Clean your room! No eating in the living room! Don’t mix molly with coke! Please kids, just SAY NO to orgcore, for christ’s sakes!

orgcore

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Danny Worsnop looks and sounds like a Jack Black character now

jack-black-beard-1944047563

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Why Posers Are a Crucial Part of Any Thriving Music Scene

slcpunk

If you’ve ever been a part of any music scene, you’ve probably known that one guy who some would identify as a “poser”. Actually, there’s a good chance you’ve known a bunch of them. Perhaps you even were one and maybe you still are (s0 many options!). You know, those kids who are super into whatever is trendy at the time, until it becomes too trendy so they move on to the next lesser trendy thing, which in turn becomes the more trendy thing due to everyone migrating at the same time (sort of like when a toilet overflows, soon enough there will be more shit-water on the floor than there is in the bowl). Then all of a sudden, when they turn 18-22ish*, (*age differs greatly depending on the poser, some prehistoric posers linger for longer) they magically stop caring about music and stop going to shows, once they are able to find popularity through some other type of medium, and successfully manage to escape whichever dark domain of the alternative music world that they were trapped in.

screamo

I’m guessing metal in this case means Asking Alexandria.

“Posers” are usually seen as the enemy in the eyes of any “ELITE MUSIC FAN”. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard one of these elites go on a rant about how much they hate posers and how they’re “ruining the scene”. In worse cases, sometimes bands do it. Well, if you identify as one of said people who hates posers, I’m sorry to break it to you, but these posers are a vital component to the music scene and could possibly be more important than you…

calum5 Seconds of Summer member flaunting his OG crabcore cred. 

First off, let’s talk about merch. If you really are the real music fan that you claim to be, then you won’t feel the need to prove to anyone how into (insert band) or (insert genre) you are. The poser feels the complete opposite. They feel the need to validate themselves. So they dress the part. You bought one of your favorite band’s shirts? That’s cool. The poser just ordered their entire merch catalog. He is contributing in a very important way by financially supporting the band. In the perfect world seen through the eyes of a “real music fan”, all of a band’s support would come from their fan’s undying love and appreciation for the music. Sorry bros, it doesn’t work like that. Gear costs money. Recording costs money. Gas to fuel their tanks so they can make it to the next show costs money, which brings me to my next point…

CHART

 Chart exaggerated slightly for effect. 

See, these posers account for a certain number of attendees at a show. As much as some people don’t want to admit it, music is a business, and supply and demand is the name of the game here. Every person who pays at the door (poser or not) is helping contribute to make this show happen. For all you die-hard true fans, does being around these “posers” really lessen the experience of going to see a band you like? Let’s say you’re seeing one of your favorite bands, is it really going to bother you that much that the dude next to you is lip syncing to lyrics that he doesn’t know? Or maybe he doesn’t care much for the music and just really enjoys moshing and stage-diving? He’s probably having more fun than you are. He’s part of the reason why you even get to see the band play in the first place.

In an elitist’s ideal world, none of these posers would come to shows and it would only be people who are all about the music and super passionate and crap, but that’s just not realistic. I’ve witnessed promoters cancel shows because next to no one bought tickets. Why wouldn’t they? They have to pay the venue and the bands and that money has to come from somewhere. I saw a band play in the basement of a record store and me and my friend were the only people that showed up and paid at the door. This band came from Winnipeg. That’s a 24 hour drive. They drove 24 hours to play to two people. Please, if you are one of those people who fantasize about this magical land without posers, trust me, dis ain’t what you want.

So next time you come across a poser, give him a high five, or even try to become his friend. From my experience, these types of people are a lot better adjusted socially than the ones who are super into the music. If you’re awkward, it always helps to have some normal friends. If the music you’re into is trendy with a poser-ridden fanbase, be thankful for it. Consider it a compliment that people even think the type of music you listen to is cool enough for them to want to be a part of it. Hope that it stays that way for as long as possible, because sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

ENDPOSERSHAMING

Have you had any funny or memorable experiences with posers? Do you find that posers are usually a lot more chill than the ppl who are “rly into the music”? Do you think that elitists ranting about posers is more cringe-worthy than anything any poser has said or done?

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Is Andrew from ATTACK ATTACK’s new #hardrock band the future of the scene??

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As you may have heard, former ATTACK ATTACK drummer Andrew Wetzel has a new band called NINE SHRINES, and they are straight up #hardrock. If you’re too lazy to click the video (or you’re reading this while you’re in a boring meeting), imagine SALIVA meets COLD meets HINDER and you’ll have a pretty good idea of the song. And the video, which is girls who probably wear bedazzled Affliction jeans and have tribal tramp stamps doing shots and dancing (aka living the #hardrock lifestyle) just kind of drives the point home.

I have two thoughts on this video/song: first of all, from here on out we should refer to all heavy-ish bands as either “screamo” or “hard rock.” One or the other. Like “Hey man wanna go see that hard rock band ALL SHALL PERISH? They’re opening for this cool screamo band called PERIPHERY.”

Second, this new wave of american hard rock (NWOAHR) reminds me of the cringey period in the mid-to-late 80s where all the 80s hardcore bands went hard rock. A few examples, for those who aren’t familiar with this dark period in hc history:

SSD were probably the worst offenders imo, who went from reasonably good, thrashy hardcore to absolutely AWFUL hard rock in the span of just 2 or 3 years. I mean there were a lot of crappy records from this period, and “How We Rock” is easily among the worst of them. Just offensively terrible.

I actually liked JUNKYARD– and yes, the guitarist is Brian Baker of MINOR THREAT, DAG NASTY, and BAD RELIGION.

If you were a kid in the early 90s, you definitely bought a GANGREEN tape out of the dollar bin at some point or another, hoping that it would be rad thrash like CIRCLE JERKS or MDC, only to put it in and get… this *exasperated face emoji* Somehow maybe even shittier than SSD.

I could list dozens more horrifingly shitty 80s bands, but the point is that we’ve seen this before, and we know where it leads. “We’re maturing as musicians and want to try something different,” “We want to make music that reaches a broader audience than what -core would limit us too,” etc etc. Guys, take it from me: in 10-15 years we will look back on this and give anything to take it all back. Just like the 80s bands did, we’ll all ask ourselves, “Why the fuck did we all start playing terrible hard rock?? What were we thinking?!” Don’t do this. Don’t be the next GANGREEN.

disturbed

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Will 2014 be the beginning of ‘peak cassette’?

peak tape

If u aren’t familiar with the concept of ‘peak oil,’ it’s pretty simple: the basic idea is that at some point, we will reach a point at which the maximum rate of oil extraction is reached, and after that its all downhill until we end up in a Mad Max-like apocalyptic nightmare where you’ll shank someone over a gallon of gas. I think the idea has a lot of merit, but what i’m really wondering is, are we close to ‘peak cassette??’

has merchswap culture reached it’s zenith? has the novelty of jizzing over dead media formats and longsleeves finally begun to wear off?? or am i just being hopelessly naive and optimistic, my sanity worn thin after neon was killed before my eyes, replaced with shoegaze, sadbois and bucket hats???

palms tape

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when its gets to the point where we are talking about ‘represses’ of fucking tapes, i think it is safe to say that we have reached ‘peak cassette’

 

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Scientific Proof That Hardcore Punk Evolved Into Scenecore (record collectors beware… ur in for a scare)

man-evolution

Dictionary.com defines evolution as “any process of formation or growth; development”. We see evolution EVERYWHERE. Not just in plants and animals, but in art too. Do you ever think to yourself, “where did all the awesome scene music that I enjoy today come from? What are its origins? What was music like before the breakdown?“  Well, believe it or not, it actually came from hardcore punk from the 80′s. I know what you’re probably thinking: “there was hardcore music in the 80′s?” Or maybe if you’re aware of this ancient form of hardcore, you might be confused as to how such a brainless primitive style of music could evolve into something so ravishing and beautiful. Let me show you how. But in order to do so, we have to go back to the very start. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: an inclusive account of the evolution of hardcore.

1978 – The Beginning of “Hardcore”

Don’t let the album title mislead you, there are no breakdowns. 

So this marks the beginning of hardcore. I put hardcore in quotations because I’m not really sure why Black Flag is even considered hardcore, despite being regarded as the seminal pioneers of the genre. I mean, they’ve never even used the fast beat, which is supposed to be the basis for all of these primordial hardcore bands. Even Asking Alexandria have used the fast beat. That makes them more hardcore than Black Flag. BF just sort chugs along (no, not the good type of chug) at a neanderthalic pace, much like the proconsul primate seen on the far left of the evolution chart above. Actually, since they’re more like proto-hardcore, I would relate them more to the aegyptopithecus zeuxis.

I think they reunited last year, but just a small-type gig, for friends and family and stuff. I heard their kids came to see them play after they got babysitters to watch over their kids (BF’s grand-kids) while they were away at the concert. But that’s not to say to say that BF doesn’t have any non-blood related fans. A few BFF’s (Black Flag Fans) have assembled this weird blog in which they have photoshopped BF shirts onto hundreds of celebrities. It’s like they have some sort of strange fantasy that involves important people acknowledging or caring about their niche little thing.

simon

 Lol, Simon Cowell wearing a BF shirt… yeah right. BF’s singer would get roasted so devastatingly bad during an American Idol try-out that he leave the room crying.

nicholascage That awkward moment when the dude wearing a Nickelback shirt is more believable.

kimk

Kim Kardashian repping Black Flag? Not likely. Maybe if the shirt said “Black Dick”.

christopher

Well, Christopher Walken is like 70, so this one is possible.

Apart from these obsessive BFF’s fan page, I did some research on their singer and found out he’s a whiny old man…

Can you believe a senior citizen is acting like this? He’s displaying the maturity of a little kid! Everybody’s poking at him? Who does he think he is? The pillsbury doughboy?

Why did they get an 8 year old to interview him? Could he not handle an intellectually stimulating conversation had by two adults? They had to get someone who’s more on his level?

1981 – Hardcore Gets Fast

Not sure why it took 3 years to come to this development but this marks when hardcore discovered the fast beat. Minor Threat were the first band to incorporate the fast beat into their music. Much like a baby’s first words, it’s cute… but it’s not very impressive. Music aside, Minor Threat were known more for the popularization of two important hardcore ethos, the “Do It By Yourself” mentality and the “Straight Edge” lifestyle, both of which would become inapplicable in the near future.

mr.mackaye

Don’t let their PC white boy demeanor mislead you, Minor Treat has been met with some controversy. Apparently they caught heat for the lyrics of their song “Guilty of Being White” for being perceived as racist. I didn’t check many of their other songs but I think lyrically that must be their best one and it’s actually really relevant today considering how oppressed straight white cisgender males are today all over dumb blogs on the internet. Minor Treat only lasted a couple years I think because they thought the music they were making was crappy so they broke up and started another band.

Check out how rude their singer is. The lady is asking him a bunch of valid questions and he just ignores her like she doesn’t even exist! Things that Ian Mackaye is “too cool” for: drugs, alcohol, professional record distributors and show promoters, interviews.

Are people sure he doesn’t do drugs? He seems pretty drugged out to me here, rambling about all this incoherent nonsense. Hippies on acid could probably come up with better jargon.   

1984 – Hardcore Gets a Little Bit Less Shitty

This is where you can tell production value gets a little bit better. They maybe even went to a studio I think. I’ll admit, when someone first showed me this album, I would’ve thought it was from maybe like 1986, not 1984. But let’s be honest, it’s still pretty fucking crappy. Their song “Not Just Boys Fun” served as a white knight anthem at the time, pioneering a new sub-genre of hardcore known as “fedoracore”.

notjustboysfunlyrics

“UGH, fuck all these ignorant ass jocks who pay money to come see us play and disrespect all of the non-existent women at our shows.”

channing

Channing Tatum repping the fedoracore aesthetic.

1989 – Hardcore Becomes (Somewhat) Listenable

Gorilla Biscuits paid homage to the idea of “evolving hardcore” on the cover of their album “Start Today”. Unfortunately they were far from the homo sapien stage of evolution. 

Now, don’t get it twisted, I said listenable, not good. Right now we are approaching the ardipithecus ramidus stage. A new style of hardcore emerged in the late 80′s called “The Youth Crew”, which was a small circle of bands who had the idea of taking the energy of hardcore and mixing it with the musical sensibilities of a good genre. Most bands who attempted this did not have such great results but one band that kind of had the right idea was “Gorilla Biscuits”. I’m not sure why they named themselves after a street drug when they were a straight edge band. That’s like starting a vegan hardcore band called “Filet Mignon”.

yot

One of the members of the youth crew… post-youth. 

1995 – Hardcore Gets Heavy

While bands like Gorilla Biscuits focused on adding melody to hardcore, bands like Earth Crisis added heaviness. Now, these guys were straight edge and vegan, so you can imagine how preachy their lyrics are. I’m not sure if they were atheism-pushers, but I wouldn’t put it past them. While I do respect Earth Crisis for being heavier than their ancestors before them, they are pretty boring and super dated. I would liken Earth Crisis to the homo habilis stage of evolution. They were very primitive and used stone tools such as the ones on their album cover, but until they start gaining the nutritional benefits found only through eating meat, they will not be able to evolve to the next stage.

1999 – The Dawning of Fake Hardcore and the Fashioncore Revolution

We are now approaching the modern era. Songwriting is becoming better, production is becoming crisper, musicianship is becoming tighter, breakdowns are becoming more plentiful. To represent this era, I have chosen a very advanced track by Poison The Well in which they use the “scream verse, sing chorus” song structure that is found in almost all modern Scenecore. Meanwhile, a band called Eighteen Visions was pioneering a new aesthetic in hardcore that would soon be known as “fashioncore” and served as a progenitor of forthcoming scene fashion.

eighteenvisionsEighteen Visions sporting their fashioncore look.  

jonnyocJonny OC, the vocalist of popular ignorant mosh-turned srscore band Liferuiner was a huge fan of the fashioncore scene during its heyday.

2004 – Emotional Hardcore

In the mid 2000′s, bands started innovating a new genre of HC called “emotional hardcore”. They usually sung about depressing stuff like slitting their wrists and applying eyeliner. I’m not going to bash it too hard though because it is the closest related ancestor to Scenecore. I guess that would mean it is what the homo erectus is to the homo sapien. I would say that Underoath is the single most important and influential band to the Scenecore genre. They stuck out from the rest of their peers with a certain flair that the other bands lacked. They are like the caveman who discovered fire. When I’m older, I want to start a Scenecore museum, and when I do, Underoath will be the first band that will be inducted into it.

2007 – Early Scenecore

Early Scenecore (also sometimes referred to as “Classical Scenecore”) was pioneered by bands such as A Skylit Drive, Escape The Fate, Alesana, Blessthefall, and Drop Dead, Gorgeous. These bands paved the way for every Rise Records band with a $40,000 recording contract and a 3 year life expectancy. Homo sapiens are thought to be divided into two subspecies: homo sapiens neanderthalensis and homo sapien sapiens (otherwise known as anatomically modern humans). Think of this stuff as the neanderthalensis and modern Scenecore as the latter.

beaumtshirtBeau Bokan from Blessthefall rocking a Minor Threat shirt in AP Magazine. Not sure why he is wearing it but at least it’s good promo for MT. Not that a band that’s been broken up for 40 years needs promo. I wonder how he got it? Was there an old folks home next to the Goodwill where he picked it up?

2010 – Modern Scenecore

The modern era of Scenecore was vanguarded by crabcore innovators Attack Attack (RIP) and scene heavyweights such as We Came As Romans, I See Stars, and Asking Alexandria. Modern Scenecore is defined by ballsier breakdowns, catchier choruses and pro-er production. Laced brilliantly with state of the art synthesizers and vocal processing, modern Scenecore can best be described as “the cutting edge”. I remember this era so fondly and the feeling of excitement and curiosity that I experienced upon hearing some of these bands for the first time which will probably not be replicated ever again in my life. This is the Homo sapien sapien. This is the modern human. This is what fundamentalist Christians think God skipped all of the other subordinate steps to get to. It is truly the cream of the crop, the crim de la crim… or is it?

2014 – Progressive Scenecore

Issues is a band that is pushing the boundaries of what we know as Scenecore, paving the way for all future innovation to come. You’re probably thinking – but where can the genre go from here, after such an advanced band like Issues has set the bar so high? Is this it? Is this the pinnacle? Well, if you asked me in 2010 if I thought there would be a Scenecore band with a scratch DJ, a seasoned R&B singer, and 1.5 black members, I would probably say no. Yet here we are. The point I’m trying to make is that evolution is an ever-progressing development that cannot be stopped and we should feel privileged to be living in such an exciting era, thanks to bands like Issues, who continue to expand the horizons of such an already vast scenery. The sky is the limit, my friends, the sky is the limit.

issues

Oh, and for all the nerds who are going to be like “this stuff doesn’t have anything to do with hardcore” or “this isn’t what hardcore evolved into”. Let’s take a look at the top tag of the most popular currently active Scenecore bands on last.fm. What you’re about to find out might shock you…

adaytoremember
askingalexandria
blackveilbrides
blessthefall
capturethecrown
crowntheempire
escapethefate
fallinginreverse
forallthosesleeping
iseestars
issues
memphismayfire
motionlessinwhite
ofmiceandmen
piercetheveil
secrets
sleepingwithsirens
thecolormorale
thewordalive
wecameasromans

I rest my case…

blackflagvinyl
Rare fossil discovered by a modern day scene kid.

Where do you see the future of the Scenecore genre heading?  Are you a creationist and just skip to 2010 to pretend that all of the anatomically and musically inferior stuff never happened? Will there ever be a band that is more advanced than Issues?

Posted in 90s hardcore, austin carlile, bad hair, bands i like, bands i non-ironically hate, bands i used to think were good, bands i wish were still good, bands u can sing along to, bands who are just ok, bands who are rly into art, bands who should be kicked out of the scene, bands who sound familiar bc they are generic, bands who used to be good, bands who used to be popular, bands whose music I enjoy from a very safe distance, bass drops, being old, black veil brides, christianity, crabcore, crap, cuteboycore, embarrassing, embarrassing or lulzy bands, emerging talent, epic screamo, epic trancecore, faux screamo, flat irons, fossilcore, fossils, freaks, fun, getting nostalgic about the mid-00s, glamcore, hardcore, hot grills and high tops, hot topic, interviews, inventor of scene hair, jamz, kids these days, lulzy bands, lulzy pictures, lulzy videos, metalcore, mosh 4 christ, moshcore, moshing, myspace nostalgia, no fun club, old, old people, old shit, oldz, party like its 2008, people who have a lot of miles on them, people you should run away from, personal branding, photoshop, ppl who fail at being profound, ppl who played in 18 visions when they were still good, ppl who were in Judge, promo photos, punk, real punk, rise records, ronnie radke, scene, scene 4 olds, scene hair, scene music, screamo, shit that non-ironically sucks, sick ass bass drops, sick breakdowns, skinny jeans, songs worth blogging about, still scene, stuff white people like, sXe, the future, things i wish didn't exist, things that make old ppl angry, things that make u go mosh, tr00 hxc, trancecore, u heard it here first, vegan straightedge, what teens are into, what tweens are into, what u do after school when u live in the suburbs, what we think about stuff, what will they think of next?, white, white knight chronicles, white ppl, x breakdowns x, you're moshing, zany things that white ppl do | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 59 Comments