NEW JAMZ: Evan Taubenfeld, Jew tween idol

If you ever wondered what happened to those anonymous people who play in the backing bands for solo artists, I have some answers for you. In the case of Evan Taubenfeld, former touring guitarist for Avril Lavigne (wonder if his guitar was even plugged in), he's become a tween idol-- think of him as the Jew version of Never Shout Never with a dash of Justin Bieber. From Wikipedia:

When intending to study at Berklee College of Music, he received a phone call from Josh Sarubin, inviting him to audition for a new talent he just signed, a young Canadian named Avril Lavigne. Taubenfeld remained in Lavigne's band until September 2004; when he left to focus on his own music.^[5]

I like how he was "intending to study at Berklee." I know how that goes, because I "intended" to become a fabulously wealthy socialite, trendsetting fashion icon, and live on a desert island surrounded by my entourage. Instead, I ended up working in windowless basement print shops 12-14 hours a day for $9 an hour when I was 15-23.

In any case, Evan has some pretty catchy tunes, and he does fill a certain void in the marketplace-- Jews need tween idols, too. Not quite on the level of Cody Simpson, but not half bad.

I thought chicks threw themselves at you when you were in a band? Sucks that this poor schmuck even gets shut down by the girl he stalks at Starbucks. Also, he pronounces it "BARE-iss-tah" lol.

Life on the road must be rough; the poor guy looks like an AIDS patient in his mid 40s (aka the poor man's version of Kyle Burns from FTSK)

This song is about some girl he is flirting with on Twitter who ends up breaking his heart. On the bright side, he is wearing a cool $200 Aviator Nation hoodie that I covet.

Since all of his songs are apparently about girls dissing him, it seems like this dude needs to find himself a nice Jewess- those shiksas can't be trusted. It's also likely that he's just looking for mercy fucks from his tween groupies who will surely fall for his transparent "I'm such a sweetheart, why can't I get a date??" gambit hook, line, and sinker.

What do u think about this nice Jewish boy?? After 6 years as a solo artist, will he ever find the right gimmick to get his career going? Which song is more likely to make tween girls feel sorry for him/buy more merch? Do you think he ever asks Avril if he can 'borrow a few bucks until he goes on tour next month'?

NEW JAMZ: Boys Will Be Boys [via the next FTSK]

As far as I am concerned there are only two kinds of music: good and bad. Whether it's Devourment, Justin Bieber, Mobb Deep, or Guttermouth, I'll jam anything catchy. That said, if there's a genre I keep coming back to over the years, it's gay powerpop/Disneypunk. And if there's a gay powerpop band I keep coming back to, it's Forever The Sickest Kids. Apparently I am not the only one who likes them, because Virginia's Boys Will Be Boys are even more FTSK than FTSK themselves.

BWBB "That's What's Up." Note how similar the vocal pattern on the line "I remember when you said it was never gonna last" is to the first verse of FTSK's "Hey Brittany" (below).



The first time I heard this song was in an AMC movie theater before Transporter 3 or something, as part of their "Movietunes" program where labels pay them to play songs for you while you wait for the movie. Most of the stuff is dreadful crap that you never hear again, but that moment was the beginning of my love affair with FTSK!

Let me be clear: I'm not hating, there can never be too many gay powerpop bands, and the more people working to perfect the FTSK-style formula (three-part vocal harmonies with synth melodies and autotune abuse) the better. If anything, BWBB might beat FTSK at their own game, with bubblegum steez that are so sweet they'll make your teeth hurt. Also, Johnathan Cook isn't in this band, which is a big plus.

BWBB "Jaded"- this song is tight, could definitely imagine this being on the next Hollister in-store playlist! Note how the synth melody and first couple words of the lyrics are quite similar to FTSK "My Worst Nightmare" (below).

This was my favorite FTSK song for a few months, although I think "I Don't Know About You But I Came To Dance" and "Indiana" have surpassed it

The band has three releases, all iTunes-only EPs as is the trend these days. All are sick, and I suggest stealing your mom's credit card right now and downloading them (you can listen to them on your iPhone at school in between History and Pre-Calculus). They're as polished and tight as many other, much more popular bands, so I feel like the only thing holding them back is getting the right mgmt/booking agent/some advertising dollars. I know they're playing some dates with Fight Fair, maybe Alex can hook them up with Artery or something.

The singer has a pretty interesting button-through, hooded baseball jacket-- H&M or Forever 21? And is that heavyweight jersey or French terrycloth? Bro on the left needs to ditch the vest and get a haircut, though.

I don't mean to be critical, but this band has some of the shittiest fan-art ever, what the fuck is this?? Come on girls, you're not going to get the singer to fall in love with you with this MS Paint bullshit!

Anyway, if you are also into gay powerpop bands made up of upper middle class kids from DC suburbs, definitely check out Boys Will Be Boys. I pretty much can't get enough of this kind of stuff, so consider them fully backed by SYWH-- and as always, if you're in the band, hit me up and tell us what you think of our review!

JT Lloyd (with 2 L's).........fucking LOL!

I can remember very well and with great clarity the first moment that I discovered T Mills. First I hated him and thought he was a dick. Now I think his music is dope and he is merely a bit vapid. Now with that thought, imagine my horror when I saw this.......



Yup, seems like everyone's tryna become an autotune scene bro now, presumably for the underage OTW poon it will surely bring. We had Mills, Jakewolf, J Bigga, and now the most entry level of them all (which is fucking saying something), at least if myspace layouts are anything to go by, JT Lloyd!

There are many things wrong with this image. Firstly, he has the same inbred mouth agape expression that I last saw on Spanky of DDC, which, when combined with the frankly disturbing shirtlift + loltattoo reveal, makes me feel like a chick who's just realised shes about to get raped. Seriously, look at that fucking face, it justs screams out "squeal piggy squeal", with inbred yank sensibilities.

Secondly, he isn't signed and is purely "DIY", yet is having a sale (wat?!?), offering a Victory Records esque bundel, and selling signed autographed topless posters of himself. Dude, you're a fucking 19 year old generi-scene bro. Slow down!

Weird chest is weird, he's obviously worked on his abs, but then combined with the rest of his body having the proportions of a 12 year old everything just looks wrong. Hit the bench press sometime bro! I guess it's better than J Bigga revealing his malnourished 30 yr old chest at every opportunity.

As is customary for autotune scene bros, he has a host of videos on his youtube channel of him doing....well, fuck all actually. Him and some of his dumb friends try and act like LOLCRAZYRANDOMFUNGUIZE in their parent's houses, but most of the time the films are just the camera hovering unnearvingly close to his face, as his mouth hangs open, he chews gum, and talks in some kind of American drawl about something. Not quite tour footage.

In this one him and some kid talk about going to church (crunk4christ?!?), hitting on a 13 year old girl, and being inbred.

As you would expect, he has an overwhelming amount of positive feedback in the form of otw slightly scene chicks who still use myspace (who seem to be the autotune scene bros target demograph), and an absolute ton of myspace pages of various "street teams".

Even my beloved Germany D:

His pictures are unsurprisingly stacked with a shit ton of pictures of himself, in various stages of his patented shirt lift, against a background of gay colours.

There was also an album devoted to his keut scene gf, who we see here also doing the token lift, and proving why they are perfect for each other. Now creepy scene bros like me can mock you AND eyefuck your chick!

JT's first show was a great success...

N.B: In researching this post I had to endure more pictures of him than I can recall, seeing as he puts his face on fucking every page about 50 times. I am now going to curl up in the foetal position and recite quotes from Deliverance.

The Brutal Truth: J Bigga Is A Lie

SYWH got a very interesting email the other day from someone named Dylan Ross who claimed to have some interesting things to say about moderately popular scenebro J Bigga. Dylan is a funny dude and knows what he's talking about, so I asked him to contribute to SYWH. We don't take sides, nor do we really give a shit about this one way or the other, but we do like to stir up shit, so here you go. It should be worth some lulz if nothing else. Thanks Dylan, hopefully we'll get more posts from you in the future! -- Sgt D

So, apparently some drama has been started....
If you are at all familiar with my history as a producer, you know that I used to go under the name "Wake Up Will", and make scene electro-rap with fake F-List myspace celeb, J Bigga. You can check some of his horrible music here. Just make sure you have a plastic bucket near your computer. So, J Bigga, also known as John Browning III, the grandson of John Browning, founder of Browning Firearms.

--

Kewl tophat

Now, J Bigga has a reputation for saying offensive, or stupid shit, for no reason. He then uses his rightfully agitated haters responses as fuel for his proud bad "reputation". Little do the majority of his fans know, J Bigga is a 30 year old computer programmer from Vegas. Very well spoken, and articulate, though hes convinced himself that his facade of a young, hip, edgy, offensive scene guy is good for his marketability. For the past few months he's been trying to get in contact with me to contribute production to his forthcoming projects", if you can even call them that.
Recently, J Bigga made one these attention-whore statements, on his myspace, twitter, and facebook. The statement goes:

"The brutal truth: being in the military doesent make you a hero. It makes you a hick."

What the hell.... I'm not a blindly submissive patriot at all, but I'm not necessarily an anti-patriotic asshole that will hide behind his freedom of speech flag, whenever confronted with why he says things like that. I'm all for having a bad reputation when it's in order, for something cool. But when you're a thirty year old who says offensive, retarded things just for the sake of saying them, is that really the angle you want to come at, for your bad reputation? On top of that, are you really going to spend that much time saying ignorant, un-educated, offensive things all for the sake of your "bad reputation :D"?

So, I asked him about this whole ordeal, in a totally mature fashion. This is the email that I sent him...

"As far as work, I've been real busy. But it is not going to happen. Honestly, man. I have have lost all respect for you as an artist. You are a very well spoken, intelligent person. You also have an impeccable sense of melody and songwriting, but you do not have an original bone in your body. Come on... Scene music? Still? You are trying to coat-tail off the short live jerking fad, now. You title things other groups names to get hits, and bribe girls with picture comments to get an o.k. album rating. Your attempt at self promotion is a cheap, dishonest failure, which goes hand in hand with your music.


Second, I'm not the most patriotic person, and I do think America is fucked up, but saying its the brutal truth that if you're in the military you're a hick is out of line. That is an offensive, un-educated, disrespectful thing to say. I also think its ironic you would say that, being directly related as a grandson to a Mormon gun company. But then again, maybe it's causing drama, for promo, as you've admitted you've done as a marketing ploy before. Then again, if a 30 year old man who dyes his hair and dresses like a 12 year old isn't enough, this is making you look much more stupid than I ever thought you were even capable of. And that's saying alot! Bye, Dylan
P.S. Dahvie Vanity went to jail for raping a fifteen year old girl."

to which he replied the short, and sweet, mature defense of...

"lol. spam can."


I would appreciate all of your feedback. Who is in the wrong here? I feel I was completely just, and within my right to be pissed off and offended by this DIY internet celebrities ignorant-ass, stupid comments, all for what he thinks will gain him popularity.

-
Dylan
http://www.myspace.com/ilovedylanross
http://ilovedylanross.blogspot.com

My angry friend reviews T Mills, all is not good

Nevchrist is violent, cantankerous, homophobic, angry, and has just upgraded his no fun club subscription to "Platinum Club Lifetime Membership". He is also my best friend. Consequently, I have plenty of fun trolling him with scene puffery, and working him into an incoherant rage.

While here at Stuff You Will Hate we like to defend ourselfs in the name of "fun", and such, with all our flamboyant gay colours, sometimes we do get lost in this world and need an outside voice to chime in. In a kind of self aware, post post ironic, one step ahead of "tha haters", idea I had, partially inspired by Scene Girl Reviews, I decided it would result in something of a lolfest to get him to review crunkcore albums. Not being one to beat around the bush, I thought it would be best to just jump straight in there, with the gheyest douchiest douch, T Mills.

The original board room meeting in which I floated the proposal to Sarge, Yeahyouknowit, Jav, and Shawnyouwillhate in a powerpoint presentation.

Although it took a while to convince him to do this, meeting with responses ranging from "Do I actually have to listen to it?", to "I physically rage too hard and can't get past the first few words.", He finally, after getting drunk today, managed to put himself through the "Finders Keepers EP" by T Mills. This is what he had to say on the matter (warning, excessive British anger and use of the word "cunt"):

"Right now I'm more than a bit drunk, otherwise this piece would never happen. The alcohol softens the autotuned blow to the side of the head. I'm going to make this blunt and then maybe try, somehow, to relate this foulness to philosophical thought. WHY is there a T Mills?


I have been aware of this cunt (now known to me only as "cunt") for a few months and I've done everything I possibly can to avoid having to hear anything he's done. If I'm having drinks with my buddy listening to something acceptably FUNky he might slip the cunt into the playlist and half way through getting pumped on Job For A Cowboy or even Despised Icon (questionable hand gestures but you can't ignore the jump-around-sound) my ears get a surprise molesting and I go flying for the skip button. Thank FUCK the EP was short, the only smart thing the cunt ever did. It's over now and to calm down I'm deep into Meshuggah's hypnotic Catch 33.


Its not just the cunt himself that gets to me. It's more than his cunt face and his cunt voice spouting those typically cunt lyrics. It's the amalgamtion of all his cunt elements which makes him the epitome of cunt. The cuntness of it all in turn, makes me question the entire image. I have always questioned it and strongly avoided any involvement but have been vaguely accepting of the ideals of scene. It's by myself being labelled part of the no fun club that forces some tollerence out of me, in a fickle, pathetic argument against this claim as if I'm saying "hey I can be fun, but it doesn't have to involve neon.". You scenesters like to dress up in the name of fun. Well I think it's gone a bit too far, irony is now post irony, in other words, dressing up like a neon gimp was ironic because who would do that in seriousness, right? You look like a gay toddlers imagination, but now you've decided its crunk all the way and you're not fun if you're not a zillion shades of black and blonde, labels or CUNT neon.


Back to the cunt. He stands for nothing good. He stands for deluded ideals of "fun." He stands for poor life choices. He stands for the death of music. He stands for every scene bitch's shallow, restrained 2 dimensional mind. He will soon be the most embarrassing crush you ever had."

"I was never meant to work but I was meant to make money"
-Travis Mills

Top 10 Keyboard Breakdowns Of All Time

Do I really need to explain why you will hate this?! What is wrong with the world? How did we up in a sick reality in which kids in their early 20s want to be in bands with "keyboard breakdowns"???