Close Your Eyes: Not-that-obnoxious Christian Easycore

Like most, I find the majority of ginger hairded, Truth drums sporting new guard of Christian "hardcore" bands to be extremely irritating and self righteous. Especially when most of the time they're full of shit about all their values, ala This Romantic Tragedy (or so I've heard).



While I'm definately not one of those "christianity dosn't belong in metal!" people, or have any other misguided obnoxiously cynical axe to grind about Mr Jesus, I do just find something incredibly incincere about HE>I and script based tattoos and the general co-opting of religion into metal/hardcore. I guess I just think that while most things I view as fair game in terms of gimmicks and imagery, it's kina lame to do this to something as supposedly serious as religion.

While I don't really give a fuck about a band's influences, life choices or however they present themselfs, or even how full of shit they allegedly are about all the above (nothing wrong with a good gimick if it gets attention, "its all about the music" types are incredibly naive), I do think it's wrong to fuck with religion in such a tastless way, out of respect for it more than anything.

Anyway, this brings me to Close Your Eyes, a surprisingly bullshit free new Christian Hardcore band.

No extreme flattened fringes, no cheesy christian ink, no truth drums! Just 5 chubby kids who just happen to be all about the Jesus. They kind of look a little like a non-toughguy Emmure don't you think?

I've kina been going through a "rough patch" recently, getting diagnosed with clinical depression (via 1st world problems for white kids), and some girl/friends related bullshit, so I'm all for positive message full, inspiring music right now, and while more agro toughguy stuff like Hatebreed is always good, the slightly more joyous vibe that Close Your Eyes give off is a more than welcome niche to fill. Think of more "I'll be here for you and help you through this", than "believe in yourself and lets fuck niggas up!". I'm both young and British, which subculturally makes me roughly the equivalent of a slightly alt American 16 year old girl, so I'm probably missing a whole movement of hardcore that happened somewhere in the early 90's that also hocked this vibe, but either way, Close Eyes Seem especially relevant next to the image obsessed trendy hipster christ of today.

Unsure exactly when Christians started looking like tattooed horses

This is how I feel Christianity in music should be, just a kind of footnote to the band that dosn't really rub it in your face, with music inspired by the ideals of but not overtly religious. Christianity gets a lot of shit (DO NOT start up some sort of irritating secular diatribe in the comments referencing pedo priests, gay rights and Christ being "a zombie"), and while organised religion and a lot of the fine print if you take it literally gets quite dodgy, I find it hard to be that critical of something that's mainly based around a message of being considerate and not a dick to other people.

So there you go, Christian hardcore dosn't have to be completely annoying. There is something wonderfully cute and almost naive about Close Your Eyes, with songs like "Friends are Friends Forever", and lines such as "You think that there's no one left that can get you out of your mess, but I will be right here untill the better end" (complete with some great mosh4christ gangchants). It's definately "cheesy", and not really genius stuff, but this just adds to the band's naive smiling faced posi vibe. I guess that with cynicism and snobbery being pretty much the standard today, it's just refreshing for a band to be so friendly and sincere in such a slimey environment.

Anyway their album totally jams, and I've been slamming it on the regular in my deck for roughly the past month now (I still buy CDs), and I hope to hell they don't get any less cheesy or "grow up" (as well as getting a shit ton of contrived ink) anytime soon.

Totally cute album cover

Bands U May Have Slept On: THE VANDALS

There are very few bands who stand the test of time long enough to stay on your playlist for months, let alone years-- or in the case of the Vandals, decades. That's right, I have been listening to the Vandals since 1990, or 20 years (*gulp*), and I still love them-- maybe more than ever, actually. The Vandals were popular well into the 00's, but I feel like youngsters these days might not know about them, so that brings us to the latest installment of BANDS U MAY HAVE SLEPT ON.

Sick Vandals flier from 1983, featuring fellow 80s hardcore legends JFA

This has nothing to do with The Vandals, I just wanted to post my favorite JFA song, "Preppy." Great band!!!

The original punk rock lolfactory
Initially I got into The Vandals because they have a lot of dumb, funny songs where they make a dumb, funny joke that's so dumb and funny that it amused me at 12 years old. That's about half of their catalog-- here are some of my favorites from that category:

This song inspired me to become a semi-professional filmmaker

This song was written back when mullet jokes hadn't been ruined yet by the internet. Also, it has jokes about Riverside, which are never not funny (like farts).

"Pizza Tran" will be especially funny to those of us who grew up on the West Coast in places full of azns. Additional lulz from Warren's bright pink Ibanez-- oh how I miss the early 90s!

LOL @ punx
Wikipedia says that The Vandals "are well-known for their use of humor, preferring to use their music as a vehicle for entertainment and sarcasm rather than as a platform for more 'serious' issues," but I disagree. In fact, the reason I love this band so much is because they're one of the few punk bands (especially of that vintage) who consistently make smart, sophisticated commentary. I guess to simple/stupid ppl your band is only making a valid comment if you say it in the most obvious, annoying way possible [via Rage Against The Machine], but us grownups know that things are rarely that simple. As much as I enjoy their silly songs, my favorite Vandals songs are the ones that are essentially the guys in the band loling at young ppl for being naive, foolish and immature

"Anarchy Burger (Hold The Government)" features classic lines like "If you think you're free, try walking into a deli and urinating on the cheese" and "Go to school naked!" Even back in 1981, these guys knew that simplistic punk rock politics were a lolfactory. Someone should tell the throwback gutterpunx who still get mohawks and wear patches. And Anti-Flag.

IMO this is their best album, and I'll never stop LOLing at the part that says "punk lettering"

Youngsters might not know that "Live Fast, Die Young" was the mantra for punk rockers back in the day. I think "Live Fast Diarrhea" rolls off the tongue a little easier though, don't you? Also, this song was on the X-Files once.


I'm pom-pom head
and I wrote one good song
But that was almost 20 years ago
I tried and I tried to follow it up
But you know how those sophomore jinxes go
So I became quite bitter
as sales dropped like flies
No one likes these dumb songs
of racing cars and spies
Maybe it's my ape drape
or hippies in my band
But now we only tour in Arizona
or Japan
So after much thought
and a panel of experts
I came up with a brilliant little plan
I'll take out my frustrations
on one of these ungrateful new punk rock bands
Cuz I invented socks
and I invented gravy
I made up the cotton gin
but no one ever paid me
Why beat a dead horse
with a career that is cursed?
I'll just sue for royalties
on things I thought of first
Back in Ancient Egypt
many Pharaohs went to jail
for misappropriation
of my Phrygian scale
I said listen to Tutankhamen
you're driving me insane
it's obvious those bellies
are all dancing to Bloodstains
I figured out you owe me
and please try not to laugh
but every time I hear it
I get one more golden calf
So I've bitten off
a sizable chunk
of the hands of the people
with the food
Now I'm confined to the pages of Flipside
a graveyard of punk rock-studded 45 year old dudes
When The Offspring made a ton of cash off of "Come Out And Play," the fossilcore band Agent Orange tried to sue them for supposedly stealing the main riff (which, as the song points out, is basically just a Phrygian scale). Nothing makes oldz like me giggle like a Flipside joke!!

I guess this song is about Johnny Two Bags from US Bombs/Social Distortion, but it could be about any of the millions of dumb, privileged teenagers who are angsty for no reason [via Bring Me The Horizon/epic screamo bands]

Pretty sure this is a parody of "Punk Is Dead" by the "legendary" peace-punk band CRASS, about the post-Offspring popularity of So Cal-style punk. Correct me if I'm wrong, but nobody under 25ish knows about this band, right? If you've never heard of them, count yourselves among the lucky!

"Rest assured that what you do won't matter, because someone can do it better anyway"

The punchline to all of these songs is that The Vandals are all grown-ass men who are very successful, which makes it that much funnier when they mock dumb, poor losers. Joe Escalante owns Kung Fu Records and was an attorney at CBS for quite a while, Warren Fitzgerald was in Oingo Boingo and Tenacious D, has written songs for No Doubt and the movie School of Rock, and a ton of other shit like Team America. Josh Freese, as many of you know, is one of the most successful drummers of his generation, having played with Nine Inch Nails, Devo, A Perfect Circle, Guns N Roses, and playing as a session musicians on literally hundreds of other records, often for lolfactory bands like Puddle of Mudd and Daughtry. Impressive resumes like that make rebuttals to their caustic attacks much more difficult, and there are few things funnier than a rich lawyer and the drummer for Guns N Roses making fun of stupid teenage punk rockers.

Joe's radio show about entertainment law
Kung Fu Records
Vandals official site
Bands U May Have Slept On: DFL

Youngsters, what do u think of The Vandals?? Oldz, were u ever a naive/annoying punk rocker as a teen/young adult? Do Anti-Flag and The Casualties make u want to drop a bomb on the little section of Hot Topic where they sell 'stuff 4 punx'?

High school newspaper calls FTSK's EP "forever the sickest album"

As I have mentioned before, Forever The Sickest Kids are my favorite band, and I love their new EP "Friday." But since I am old and out of touch, I thought maybe I was the only one. Therefore, I was very happy to see the following high school newspaper review validate not only my musical opinions, but my existence as a human being.

ShawnYouWillHate thinks that "She Likes," FTSK's first single off the EP, sounds like Third Eye Blind. I agree, and I love this song.

Via Absolute Punk poster Kid B (bold parts made me lol the hardest):

Forever The Sickest Kids release forever the sickest album

Taking aspects from various genres, “The Weekend,” the sophomore album from Forever the Sickest Kids (FTSK) is leaving listeners speechless with ground breaking innovation and superb production and lyricism.

FTSK’s first record, “Underdog Alma Mater” set high standards, reaching number 45 on the Billboard Top 200. To avoid dropping tracks and to shorten the wait for new music, FTSK released a three-part album.

Veteran Matt Squire produced the album. Other than the over-produced “Hawkbot,” the production on this album is top-notch with clean vocals, perfect equalization and unique sounding instrumental tones.

This is no surprise, taking a glance at Squire’s resume he has also worked with prominent artists including All Time Low, 3OH!3, Boys Like Girls, A Rocket To The Moon and Saosin.

Most of the tracks on the album follow similar themes of coping with their rise to fame and partying, while the others embody different relationship situations including common problems and disasters that are relatable to listeners.
The album is versatile, encompassing many genres including pop/punk, progressive rock, alternative and power pop.

The first single from the album, “She Likes (Bittersweet Love),” sounds similar to music from their previous album, while still featuring original aspects. With acoustic guitar backing, drum fills and vocals from all three of the band’s singers, “She Likes” proves to surpass standard punk/pop expectations of fans. The song also features catchy riffs and driving keys that are not common in modern music.

The only downside to the album is the song “Hawkbot,” which features hip-hop artist Chaey Hawk. The band’s futile attempt at writing a rap falls way short of expectations set by previous hip-hop inspired release “Jumping Out The Window.”

This song is also overly produced with too many effects including voice changes with autotune, electronic drumbeats and over-the-top techno reaching the point that it feels unnatural.

With the exception of “Hawkbot,” FTSK’s new album lives up to their previous release. The album is building greater anticipation for the next two parts of this release.

My favorite parts is the phrase "writing a rap" lol.

Full AP thread here

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Bonus content: Acoustic version of "She Likes," sponsored by Taco Bell. Make a run for the border!