Melissa Millionaire makeover video

In this video, OTW ("other-than-white") scene queen Melissa Millionaire does a makeover on Penny, her "PA" (I am guessing this means personal assistant, but I don't know all that Hollywood insider lingo). It's pretty straightforward, but I do have two questions:

1. Does Melissa really have a personal assistant?? To do what, get her tampons from CVS and make onigiri for her mom when she's too hungover to do it for herself? Which would you rather do, tell your parents you got AIDS from a transexual prostitute you picked up outside Hollywood Video in Fontana, or that the best job you could get was as Melissa's "PA"?

2. How is Melissa evolving her personal brand now that we are in the 2K10s? I can't imagine her wearing a simple faux-vintage t-shirt from Kitson like she did back in her scene balloon days, but I'm not really sure where she's headed with the grandma dress/novelty bow thing either-- in any case, I'm sure she's got it all mapped out, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that I can't wait to see what's next!!

How much does Penny make to be Melissa's "PA"? Does Millionaires LLC have 401k matching? Will she be a paper millionaire when they go public? What do you think Melissa's next look should be?

Transitional bro

I am a confused metal fan at a Millionaires concert. I don't know how I let things get this far, but now here I am, on the front row, just living in the moment, enjoying the sweet catchy pop vibes, soaking up the message about getting "fucked up" and "having fun".

Normally I don't listen to stuff like this, normally I like really really heavy stuff, bands so heavy you probably won't have even heard of them, true metal like Children of Bodom, Machine Head, and Satyricon. Intelligent music, sometimes I listen to classical. None of my friends know I'm here, and there's no way I'll tell them. They wouldn't understand.

I just stumbled across one of their songs on youtube one night on my mum's laptop with a friend, and we laughed at it, and talked about how music and our generation was "going to shit", and how it shouldn't be cool to be a slut.

Next time people were round, I played them again, but made it clear I was only being ironic, and that it was just a joke, so we could savour the moment, united in our musical superiority.

Later that night I found some of their songs on mediafire, and listened to the whole thing, making sure to turn it right down when anyone came near the door.

Then it was too late, I was hooked. I put their songs on my ipod, and started playing them on the way to school. Once a cute girl asked me what I was listening to, I told her it was Meshuggah, some underground Swedish death metal. I think she bought it, and went away. That was too close. My reputation was in jeopardy.

When I heard they were playing my town I knew I had to go, but couldn't ask anyone else. I would have to face this one alone. On the night I pushed through the crowd of exited tween girls with ease, and staked my spot on the front row. I was truly alone for once, a traitor to my own kind, but not one of the mainstreamers or scene kids, a wolf in sheep's clothing, a dark horse.


It was one of the best shows I've ever been to, it was my night. Hope no one sees me on their myspace.

Tonight I am re-inventing my personal brand, I am re-evaluating my perspective on music. Not sure where to go after this, who to hang out with. This is something I must do alone. I have broke free from the pack, now I am my own tween, I have to become my own alt.

Vice's "Other-Than-White" hottie

Some guy from Vice sent me a link to a video segment they did for VBS.TV, which is their "online TV station" or whatever. It's about abandoned missile silos in Washington or something, I'm not really sure because it seemed boring and gay- I'm not into the whole "let's travel to really authentic/random locations and explore the world so we can come back and annoy/bore everybody to tears with stories about how meaningful it was" thing that white liberals seem to love. So, I didn't really watch it, I just skimmed it with the sound off since I was at work. I can't tell you anything more about the subject matter than that, but I can tell you that the girl who hosted it is an adorable little hottie that is a perfect example of what I like to call OTW, or "Other-Than-White."

If you saw OTW cutie Olga Kurylenko browsing the racks at H&M, you might reasonably guess that she was anything from Persian to Colombian. Either way, she just might be the most attractive woman on the face of the earth.

It's hard to tell with those chola-style eyebrows, but Melissa Millionaire is half-Japanese. That makes her an OTW scene balloon- amazing!

OTW is my term for people (especially cute girls) of indeterminate ethnicity. I am from the West coast, which is much more diverse than the rest of the country, so you run into this a lot. You see some hottie at 7-11, and who knows? She could be Latin, AZN, Filipina ( they are really half Latin/half AZN, so lazy but good at math), Jewish, Persian, Greek, or some shit I don't even know about. A lot of Eastern Euros also have that olive complexion that puts them in the OTW bucket- for example, Mila Kunis and Olga Kurylenko, two absurdly hot Ukranian Jewesses. The point is, sometimes you can't tell what her ethnicity is, so you just say to your bro, "Dude, check out that hot-ass OTW over there by the Slurpee machine!"

The girl from VBS is super cute even when she's getting eyefucked by this nutty creepvert who lives in an abandoned missile silo.

Damn, girl! Those booty shorts are a lot more interesting than calculus or whatever that AZN dork is yapping about.

You see more and more OTW hotties every day. For instance, American Apparel ads are full of them, although it's kind of a bummer because they're usually wearing such ridiculous outfits that it nullifies their hotness. Still, it's worth looking through their list of models to see if there's anything that catches your eye.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Either of these American Apparel OTWs could be pretty hot, but I can't tell because all I can think about is throwing boiling oil on them because of their outfits.

On the other hand, VBS' hostess has a smile that melted my heart in an instant. If you're reading this, hit me up and we can go get some tacos, pad thai, shwarma, or whatever cuisine it is that your people eat (whoever they are).

If you want to check out the video segment featuring the OTW honey from Vice, you can watch "Missile Silo Homes" here. I definitely recommend watching their piece on donk, too.

Melissa Millionaire, scene balloon

The original water balloon

What's a water balloon?
You've heard of the "Freshman 15," right? It happens to lots of girls when they start college: a year of too many Keystone Lights and nursing hangovers with pizza, and before they know it, they've put they've put on a few pounds and go from Shanae Grimes to Lindsay Lohan. They're not fat by any means, they just have a little bit more meat on their bones than they probably meant to. Luckily, because they're so young, the pounds go in all the right places, everything stays in place. That's a water balloon: a 19-22 year old girl with a tiny little muffintop or belly who still has a super tight body that jiggles like a water balloon.


Melissa Millionaire is a cute little scene queen who also happens to be a WB... the world's first scene balloon! Most scene girls are skinny bitches, so Melissa has a special place in my heart. I know it's a long shot, but I'm hoping that some day we end up crossing paths and have a magical connection. Maybe we can go to the mall, check out Forever 21, and hit up Sbarro. And we would hold hands the whole time, of course.



Millionaires on MySpace

Millionaires - Martinis & Mixed Feelings

You are probably already familiar with Millionaires, but most likely only their most popular song, "Alcohol." It's a great song, but with lines like "Girls talk shit we don't care, we'll take off our underwear" and a chorus that goes "Gimme my alcohol, let's get fucked up!" it might give you the wrong idea about these three lovely ladies. You might think they're just the girl version of Brokencyde, that they just wanna get fucked up and bang strangers. But you'd be wrong, they're so much more than just that!

"Martinis & Mixed Feelings" shows off the softer of Millionaires, and the fact that their producer knows how to use autotune very aggressively (which is fine with me; as far as I'm concerned autotune makes any kind of music better). I like to listen to it when I'm swooning over Taylor Swift, imagining what our wedding would look like and writing my first name with "Swift" at the end... just to see what it would look like, you know?? Maybe this song would be playing during the scene where Taylor and I meet in the movie of my life... our eyes lock onto each other from across the dancefloor; even with a few drinks in me I can tell that Tay and I are meant for each other...

Well anyway, I think this is the best Millionaires song, I hope you hate it.