Fall Jamz 2K9: Breathe Carolina "Tripped And Fell In Portland"

This song is the perfect example of what Stuff You Will Hate is all about: Something I 10000% non-ironically love but almost everybody else I know will violently hate. For any new readers, SYWH is a spinoff from my other blog, Metal Inquisition, where I usually write about death metal and hardcore bands like Infernal Revulsion and Demolisher. They got butthurt when I wrote about anything that wasn't metal from the early 90s, so I made this blog (which is still a work in progress- new design coming very soon).

This is the catchiest shit since Forever The Sickest Kids "I Don't Know About You But I Came To Dance" and I hope it blows up, 3OH!3 style. Speficially, I want to hear this on the receptionist's radio every time I walk past the front desk at work just like I did with "Don't Trust Me."

Anyhow, I was at the OSU Finish Line the other day to up buying some Nike Skylines in the sick colorway above when I heard a ridiculously catchy melody on the in-store music. Listening closer, I heard screaming over trancey synths and was like "WTF, this song is scene as fuck- what is it, and why am I hearing it here of all places?"

They have a pretty cool brand going on, with some of the better merch designs in the genre. Bros, if you're reading this, hit up my Flickr and drop me a line, it would be fun to make some shirts for you!

I looked up the lyrics was surprised to find out it was Breathe Carolina a pair a neon-clad skinny dudes from Denver whose music never really grabbed me before. Not unlike their fellow Colorado residents 3OH!3 or the Kefka-meets-Jeffree Starr stylings of Blood On The Dancefloor, they play a fun and accessible mix of trance/techno and poppy rock with screamo touches here and there. Although Buddyhead slammed this record pretty hard, they got it right when they said that Breathe Carolina are the fancy-lad, crybaby version of Brokencyde. I like to think of Breathe Carolina as what might happen if Taylor Swift tried to make a sleazy crunkcore record. She would come back with a song called "I Like You, Do You Like Me?" where she tried to rap over some Fruity Loops preset and you'd be like, "Aw, sweetie, that's not very crunk... But I can tell you tried hard, here's a cookie and your blankie."

I bet these dudes try to make girls think they're sleazy creeps like Hollywood Undead, but by the end of the night end up curled up in the fetal position, sobbing quietly in bed next to the 18 year-old scene girl they brought back to the crib. They choke back the tears just long enough to make puppy dog eyes at her and say, "W-will you just... hold me for a while??"

Needless to say, even normally astute outlets like Buddyhead hate this band passionately, demonstrating something we already knew: Hipsters and punk rockers get old, cranky and clueless just like everybody else. They lose touch with new developments in youth culture, and new songs like this one make them confused and angry. I'm sure it will happen to me some day too, and when it does I ask you to just smother me with a pillow in my sleep. I honestly don't get it though: Buddyhead put out the fucking Shat CD, so it's kind of baffling how they are so out-of-touch, thin-skinned, and basically just completely old and clueless as to say shit like this in their review:

At this point, I’m not sure I even like music anymore, and so don’t care if crab-core kills me. But I’d still like to point out that this shit isn’t fair. I don’t deserve this. No one deserves Breathe Carolina. Not Hitler and not Sean Hannity and not Fred Durst. Yet, this “record,” Hello Fascination, sits stocked in stores, waiting patiently for victims to come upon it’s rainbow-jizz sprayed cover. Innocent people are going to suffer.

Really?! Are you that upset by a rainbow? If so, you might consider re-evaluating the extent to which you decide to care what a couple like 21 year-old scene kids put on the cover of their record. If he was just exaggerating in hopes of getting readers, fine- but even then, honestly they whole "ZOMG I HATE CRUNKCORE/CRABCORE/SCENE" thing that every fucking site ever does is super, super played out. It's not interesting anymore, this shit has been around for a long time, and it just makes these writers sound like their parents complaining about how "you can't even understand the words!" Next step is putting a plastic cover on the couch and the transformation into Mr. Armstrong, ,my 7th grade gym teacher, is complete.

This could be the last thing the Buddyhead dude ever sees!

If these old people aren't careful, they're going to nerd-rage themselves to an early grave. It will go something like this:

(Guy from Buddyhead arrives at the show and confronts the band)
Buddyhead dude: "Hey you little assholes, I've got a bone to pick with you. What IS this crap kids these days listen to?! Why, back in my day we had REAL MUSIC! We listened to the classics: Black Flag, Napalm Death, Eazy-E, none of this neon merch garbage with the rapping and the Pokemon hair or whatever they call it... And one more thing- ARGGH!!"
(Falls to the floor clutching his head, quivers for a few seconds, then lays still)
Breathe Carolina Scenebro 1: Whoa, dude... I think that old guy just like died, bro!
Breathe Carolina Scenebro 2: Holy shit, haha! That was kind of awesome, he hates us so much he like made his own brain explode or some shit!!
Breathe Carolina Scenebro 1: Seriously! Do you think we should like, do something? Maybe we should- oh snap, look over there- I think it's that girl Britney that's been sweating me on Buzznet, I'm gonna go see what's up. Shake n bake, dawg!!
(the Scenebros do their secret handshake and part ways, leaving the Buddyhead guy's corpse on the floor, quickly growing cold and stiff as kids walk past him laughing and having fun, completely oblivious to his presence)

My message to people like Buddyhead and other haters is this: It's not worth it, dudes. If you don't like this shit, that's cool, you don't have to. But I think you should let it go and move on with your life. It's not healthy to be so angry! And getting back to the original point of this post, this song is rad and I will be playing it on the regular this fall.

EmoWorldTV on how to design a MySpace & dress sexy

At this point everybody knows that only poor people and bands use MySpace now that Facebook has been open to the masses for a while. I actually never got into MySpace because I was in college and everybody at school used Facebook, but I figured I should get on the MySpace program for Stuff You Will Hate since scene kids are still into it. Since I'm a novice, I was thrilled to come across this helpful tutorial on how design a scene-approved MySpace. It comes to you courtesy of EmoWorldTV, which is a boy/girl duo of Mexicalts who are helping teens navigate the choppy waters of popular culture, one video at a time.

At first I assumed it was a joke like some of their other videos like "Are you 'Fat Emo'?" and "Emo Rap and Screamo." Let me be clear, though: They might be jokes, but they are not at all funny. I feel like the dude is probably funny, but is either held back by crappy writing or just needs to loosen up a little, because his delivery is stiffer than me at a Millionaires show. Bro, if you are reading this, holler at your boy and we will work on this together! I support you and your personal brand, just hit me up and I'll do what I can to help!

Bro... I see where you were headed with this joke, but it's not working. I am an expert on making fun of shitty music, if you want some pointers just let me know, we can hop on MySpace IM and I'll break it down for you.

The girl, though, yikes... I am going to say she does not have a future in front of the camera. Like I said, I figured that these videos were jokes like the ones from the dude. I pressed play and waited for the (unfunny) punchlines to come, but they never did- as far as I can tell, these are serious. For example:

The stereotypical modern scene MySpace name usually involves your first name, a second name involving fashion, gore, or music some sort of symbol, hearts or raunched out name is best (Callie Collision, Kristallion, DebraDeath, or Trashley for example).

I mean, there is just not a joke there. It's just a statement of fact that's kind of mindblowing in its straightforwardness. It reminds me of the description of "Jackass The Movie" on my DVR: "A group of nitwits plays practical jokes on each other." You're like, "Uh... well, yeah, that's pretty much it. Way to take out the funny."



"How To Dress Scene & Be Sexy" is a similarly squandered opportunity for humor. Clearly this is very fertile ground- the biggest challenge would be deciding which jokes NOT to use out of the 400 zillion that you could come up with in a 10 minute AIM conversation. Instead, she again opts for the "painfully awkward statements of fact" approach:

Clothes make the scene girl! Without the scene clothes you may come off as a prep or even worse a goth, so dress carefully!

and

Huge sunglasses are a must, and the bigger the better. The newest edition to the scene girls sunnies are the old fashioned "cop" style sunnies. Over-sized pearl necklaces or other long necklaces are a must. There are a number of ways you can wear them that will make you look like a mature scene girl.

Wow, they left so much funny on the table there I don't even know where to start... Just the word "sunnies" alone is a comedy gold mine!

Protip: When you need images of ridic scene kids, it literally takes like 90 seconds of browsing the "Crunk Kids" album on BrokeNCYDE's MySpace to find a picture that will have you burying your head in your hands, sobbing and thinking "This is the future of humanity. This generation is where our president will come from someday. We will hand the keys to America's nuclear arsenal to one of these kids. We're so fucked I don't even know how to summon the inner strength to take my next breath."

SYWH is here to help our bros at EmoWorldTV
We support your cause, and you're so close yet so far to realizing all your dreams. You just need to tighten a few things up here and there and you'll have some legendary material in the can. As veterans of the "making fun of shit on the internets" game, I think we can help you turn the corner. But it starts with you. I am extending my hand in brotherhood, but you must grasp it. Let's make this work, bros. Holler at me and let's do the damn thing.

***

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Blessed By A Broken Heart has potential to be the most hated band on Earth

Blessed By A Broken Heart is my favorite post-ironic Christian hair-metal crunkcore scene band from Canada. I know what you are thinking: Wat. I'll admit that this band was enough to make even my head spin with post-modern amazement at first, but bear with me. It turns out they are just the scene version of Kirk Cameron, shilling for Jesus with a flatiron instead of an NIV Bible. I will deconstruct them for you and explain why I think they could end up being hated even more than Brokencyde.

So. Much. Irony. Urge to kill rising...

With that out of the way, I introduce you to Blessed By A Broken Heart and list the reasons why you will hate them. A great place to start is their song "Mic Skillz II" in which they combine trance, hair metal and rap while lyrically referencing TMNT, Snoop Dogg, Technotronic, and steal a video clip from Final Fantasy VII.

"It ain't nothin' but a scene thing baby." Mind=blown

1. Excessive wackiness, zaniness and cleverness
Nobody likes a tryhard, and BBABH definitely try way too hard to impress you with what I'm sure they think are their hilarious antics. Look, I get it: they're "in on the joke." The fact that their entire image is a big ironic joke is fine, the problem is that it's not funny, it's just a tiresome, transparent cry for attention from a bunch of churchy dorks who are so painfully square that they feel guilty for drinking a Diet Pepsi.

You can practically taste their burning desire for peer approval. Like the lab rats who furiously pound the lever that delivers cocaine into their veins, BBABH thirst for your attention as though they had been stranded in the desert for a month and your validation of their ham-fisted persona is a pitcher of ice water. They wait eagerly for you to catch one of the references in their song and tell them how clever their lyrics are, how "random" the song is, and tell them they're "so crazy." They want it so badly that they go so far as to lyrically roadmap their references in "Mic Skillz II":

Check check, what
Now you now your letters
Learn your numbers
Right after this Beverly Hills Cop part

Groan.

Protip: if you have to explain the joke to me, it's not funny anymore (if it ever was in the first place). It just makes you a desperate tryhard. It's not unlike the "Pretty Fly For A White Guy" trope in which a white TV/movie character uses a piece of "urban" slang then looks expectantly at the camera, waiting for laffs. For example, maybe there is a grandmother telling you how great Tropicana orange juice is, and she concludes her pitch by mugging for the camera and saying "Word to your mother!" Only in this case, BBABH turns toward the camera with a smug grin on their face and says, "Pump up the jam!" Either way, it's enough to make you wish for a cyanide capsule to chomp on as an IRL rage quit.

I can haz attention?

There is a time and a place for zaniness and wacky jokes, but moderation is the key. I don't think anybody gave BBABH the rulebook, though, because their zaniness knows no bounds. They never, ever hesitate to pat themselves on the back for making a forced, hackneyed joke that's about as subtle, sophisticated and funny as Hee-Haw. Like in "Mic Skillz II" where they simply growl (in pseudo-death metal vocals) "Cookie Monster!" Yes, we get it: death metal vocals sound like Cookie Monster, I thought that joke was funny too... in 1990.

The only thing in this photo that's funny is the singer's Jesus tattoo.

Unless their shtick is to be deliberately unfunny they have failed miserably at doing anything other than disappointing me. If they are being deliberately unfunny then they are fucking brilliant, achieving levels of genius that only Hipster Runoff can approach, with its layers upon layers of irony. But I am going to go out on a limb and say that these churchy simpletons aren't masters of postmodern humor, but simply much less funny than they think they are.

Ha ha ha!! I get it: You bought some "hilarious" early 90s clothes at a thrift store, then LOLed with your friends as you worked yourselves into a frenzy of anticipation about all the congratulatory comments you would get when you put the pictures up on MySpace. LOL!!! You're so funny and CRAZY!! Look out Andy Samberg, here comes the zany bro in the wacky clothes!!

2. Amateurish marketing
I'm willing to bet that these fuckholes sat down with one of their lawyer dads in his home office and put together a business plan before they ever played a single note of music. He even gave them a loan to cover the marketing budget (he's kind of kicking himself for giving it to them at 4.5% APR, though, because now that credit markets are so much tighter he could have gotten a much better rate).

This song is actually a pretty great moshglam tune and has some really subtle, funny touches like the hilarious tom sound.

Much like their bad jokes, the problem isn't that they are relentless self-promoters, but that they are terrible at it. It is painful to see these tards fumble one play after the next just like how when you're watching a Little League game you want to slap one of the kids and yell, "How the fuck did you miss that pitch you worthless piece of shit!? It was right over the goddamn plate, he might has well have handed it to you on a silver fucking platter!!"

Dudes, look at him doing situps on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame! Man, these guys must be sooooo much fun to be around, they probably so crazy stuff like that all the time!

In the video above the band clumsily tries to make you think they are a bunch of stupid rockers. For example, one of the guys talks about how much he loves their makeup artist. I guess that's supposed to be funny because it shows that he is a shallow buffoon who is way too into his image? I'm not sure if these guys have ever heard of a movie called "Spinal Tap" but they kind of did the whole "hilariously self-absorbed and clueless heavy metal band" thing a long time ago. It's about as subtle and original as how 99% of the jokes in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" are based around the premise of "gay people exist."

BBABH is essentially the IRL version of South Park's Faith +1

3. Christian or Canadian? Both, actually.
While it certainly explains a lot, it shouldn't come a surprise that BBABH are Canadian. But did I mention they are Christian? There's nothing wrong with that, the problem is that their parents (who have been happily married for 35 years) obviously didn't criticize them enough so they think everything they do is fucking gold. I love my parents; do you know why? Not because they were great fucking role models, that's for sure, but because they would never let me get away with subpar creative work. If I drew an apple for my mom at age 6, she would crumple it up and tell me the midtones were muddy. Here is how the conversation would go if I played "Mic Skillz II" for my dad (who saw The Accused with me in 1990 so he is down as fuck):

Me: So that's the new song I wrote for my band, what do you think?
Dad: I think you should start over.

Holy fucking fuck, I want to stab this fucking shitbag in the face with AIDS

These nerds probably met because they all went to the "edgy" maltstream church who used a grungy typewriter font for their logo and had some cryptic name that would occasionally trick stupid kids into thinking it was a club, like "The Pad" or "Crown of Thorns." One day they got crazy and stayed up until 11 PM, all hopped up on Red Vines and ginger ale and decided that the best way they could share Christ's love with the world was through a band that combined everything annoying about drama club and with the most boring parts of church. One of them got so excited that he said the f-word by accident, but he called his mom to apologize so it turned out OK.

The cockface from BBABH and the doughy singer for A Day To Remember compare their matching MXPX tattoos (seriously, I am not making that up, look closely). In nature that is a symbol which means "This infant should be eaten by its mother for the sake of its species."

4. They are saving themselves for marriage
I kind of feel bad for the half-dozen desperate girls who probably wait outside their tour bus every night hoping to give a blowjob to one of the guys in the band, because they're going to go home as lonely and sexually frustrated as they were when they arrived, thanks to BBABH's love for Christ. I bet these Boy Scouts trick girls into coming on the bus in hopes of getting laid, only instead of trying to get in their pants like the creepverts in every other band on the planet, BBABH probably give the girls a couple of Chick tracts, a glass of ice water, and send them on their way after scolding them for showing their ankles in public.

When you get this in your inbox, you are like "God I love being in a band"...

but then you get 100 of these and you think, "maybe they're still hiring for that assistant manager job at Claire's."

BBABH seems to attract more than their fair share of tryhard male groupies, which makes perfect sense given that the band themselves crave attention as though they were trapped on the floor of the ocean and peer approval was the oxygen to fill their burning lungs. I can't imagine what possessed this cockmaster to send them that picture. "Hmm," he thought, "I bet the dudes in BBABH would love to check their email and be greeted by a picture of my shirtless teen body with the name of their band written on it. Now, I better hurry up and use the flatiron before my mom needs to get ready for work because she hates sharing it with me."

This BBABH photo is just a few years old. You can see how far their shtick has come since then, when they were wearing flared jeans that they bought at Limited Too with gift certificates from their aunt.

This one time at band camp...
Let's be clear: I love bands with a shtick. Gwar, Rice, Shat, and Steel Panther are all brilliant. Obviously BBABH are smart enough to realize that by crafting such over-the-top personas, they'll attract attention, both positive and negative- and no press is bad press, right? I'm totally on board with that, which is half of why I love Brokencyde. Anybody who gets their panties in a bind over that is the butt of the joke and playing right into BBABH's hands. The problem is that their Ned Flanders-meets-Monty Python jokes aren't fucking funny. Go back to the drawing board, Bible-thumpers.

Blessed By A Broken Heart on MySpace

Scene kids worth blogging about: Getting down to Soulja Boy

These kids seem cool, I would totally hang out with them. I bet the boys would totally be into Devourment or Decrepit Birth, they only listen to deathcore bullshit like Suicide Silence and Whitechapel because they don't know any better. Anyway, this is why I like scene kids: they're not uptight, and they like stuff. I'm the opposite of a hater. So, instead of making snarky remarks about this video I will just post some of my favorite Youtube comments about it:

devdove21

jesus you are such a fucking hater. this is really offensive to those of us who ARE scene. fuck.

mokeyboo368

hey thats really mean im scene so what u peple and ur labels asswhipes

Chazwozel

everytime I try to check out the hot girl in the black tank, that fat thing blobs into the camera. lol

peppen332

stupid fat chick

xEMOxGIRLxBRATx

the kid with the bright green shoes is a show off
no offence
im emo/scene

mattymoron

Upon a second viewing, I realized how incredibly obnoxious the fucking whale is. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

TehCthulhu

i just want to throw a sedge hammer at the fat one

Deviant Art = treasure trove of BrokeNCYDE lulz

I could probably make an entire blog just of retarded shit from Deviant Art, there is a seemingly infinite supply of material there such as the amazing caption to this photograph of Se7en from BrokeNCYDE. Why does he get all the love, anyway?? I like Mikl better, and Antz is totally underrated in his own right. It's bullshit that everyone focuses on Se7en but I guess that's just the way it goes with boy bands.

Photo courtesy of Jazzcatnya. Make sure you check out her other work, such as her Sweeney Todd cosplay photos!

FOR ALL THE CRUNK KIDS IN THE HAWSE!

This is Se7en from Brokencyde. xD gah he looks teh HiLaRiOuSlY awesumz!!!!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! The concert was AWESOMES!!! Everyone was so nice, and then got a couple of the other band member's autographs! (MIKL and PHAT J's who are cool as shit,too). It was a very casual and small concert, but so much fun and we started a moshpit!

If you want to hear what Brokencyde sounds like go to [link] !!!

They have concerts all over the place coming up every day until august something, so chances are they'll be playing somewhere near you, bwahaha.

The other bands that are touring with them are Eyes Set to Kill, And then there were None, and Drop Dead Gorgeous. ( hadn't heard them prior to this concert but they were pretty good none-the-less, so check them out too).

GET FUCKIN CRUNK!!!!

Scene kids worth blogging about: Sarah Synicism

Baby has downs?

In this series of posts, I will blog about noteworthy scene kids on MySpace, Buzznet, or in this case Deviant Art. This post is about a girl from England named Sarah Synicism, who enjoys drawing. I will admit that it is mean to pick on some teenager's shitty art for the amusement of my bitter, jaded friends who are twice as old, but fuck it. We all do retarded shit when we're teenagers, the difference is that when I was 16, the Internet wasn't there to record all of it for eternity. Unfortunately for Sarah Synicism, the same is not true for her generation, which seems to thrive on embarrassing itself online.

Let's just start off with a bang: a fucking anime-style drawing of Se7en from BrokeNCYDE!! When I found this I felt like I had discovered a vein of gold that would make even the most grizzled 49er jump with joy. I like how she wrote down all her favorite lines from BC13 songs, which all seem to be the ones where he brags about how tight his game is. All of them are pretty straightforward and self-explanatory except for the one on the bottom right: "Don't you lie. I'm bulemic, I can read your mind." That one is not so clear to me, but what do I know? I have pretty good game for sure, but it's safe to say that Se7en (or Steven, as his mother calls him) is on a whole other level in that department.

This image is entitled "Scene Poster," but an alternate title could be "Stuff That Sergeant D Is Into." For example, on the left it says "HARDCORE." I love hardcore! Who knew she was a fan of All Out War, Bulldoze, NYC Mayhem, Merauder and Excessive Force?! It just goes to show, you can't stereotype. She is also a big fan of Forever The Sickest Kids. In case you think I am joking when I say that they are my favorite band of the last five years or so, please take a look at my Last.fm charts (as of now, I have listened to them about 1,200 times). I'll be honest, I think Hello Kitty is a little played out, but I am a big fan of other Sanrio and San-X characters like Afro Ken, Kogepan, and especially Landry. If you're ever in Pittsburgh, go to an awesome little store called Kawaii and stock up!

This drawing is adapted from The Medic Droid's song "The Killer Anna." Apparently she also suffers from some kind of learning disability in addition to fetal alcohol syndrome, because as you can see she wrote "The Killer Amma" instead. Let's take a closer look at the face:

I think those grey things are supposed to be piercings of some kind, but they look more like some kind of growth to me, maybe warts or zits. Either way, seems like something she should have a doctor look at! I think they can lance those things right in the office these days. Also, that is one fucked up nose. What is she, a pro fighter? I do like her raccoon hair, though. The girl who served me at the pizza place tonight had some stripes like that, it was cute.


I do not think she understands why it is ironic to have these two images next to each other. I'm curious what she thinks when she listens to BrokeNCYDE, though. Let's examine the lyrics to "40oz" to see if we can't get an answer:

Let's get crunk tonight, baby girl you got my digits
Hit me up about ten, I'll be over in a minute
I'll ease open, you got a G hopin'
And I'ma get up in those jeans with those knees open
Now take your panties off girl (HAND ME THE FORTY OUNCE!)
Get you sweating in 'em too (HAND ME THE FORTY OUNCE!)
I'm about to show you what your boyfriend can't do
I'm a celebrity baby, Brokencyde is my crew
And there ain't nuttin' you can do so FUCK YOU!

Now drink your bottles up
We will get fucked up
All these bitches in the the club always lookin' for some love
Get your sex on
Go get your sex on girl
Get your sex on
Go get your sex on girl

I know what I think, which is "Fuck yeah bro, let's go get fuckin crunk, where's that 40?!" But that's just me, I can only guess at what goes on inside her feeble mind.

This is a drawing of the singer for Pierce The Veil. I know what you are thinking: "What the fuck would possess this bitch to put this drawing on the internets? I have no idea who this guy is, but she made him look like a gay elf who's undergone several rounds of reconstructive surgery after getting hit in the face with a cannonball." As it turns out, she is not all that happy with it either:

I hate this drawing on seven different levels. *sigh* this always happens when I attept to draw realistic people. But it was a comission from a good friend of mine, and I couldn't tell her no. I just hope she likes it.

As you can see, she didn't want to do this drawing, she had to! After all it was "a commission" and she couldn't let her fans down. She likes Pierce the Veil so much that she even posted her notes from Literature class, adorned with their name:

Before you think she is some bandwagon-hopping trend zombie, check out her favorite bands, full of obscurities that would impress even the most jaded "I only like the demo" dickbag:

I listen to music most people have never heard of, or don't wish to hear. Bring Me The Horizon. My Chemical Romance. Mayday Parade. Panic At The Disco. Aiden. Breathe Carolina. The Medic Droid(rip). Framing Hanley. Alesana. Cute Is What We Aim For. All Time Low. The Misfits. Blaqk Audio. (&& suprisingly)Eminem.(wtf?) And, I'll just stop there.

Oh, and she has one more thing to share:

Vitiam Water is my addiction.

Scene Kidz get crunk or die with BrokeNCYDE

For my inaugural post on Stuff You Will Hate, I will introduce you to the only current challengers to BrokeNCYDE's crunkcore crown: Scene Kidz, straight out of Greenwood, Indiana. Yes, you read that correctly, these kids are from a crappy suburb of Indianapolis that is a dump even by the remarkably low standards of Indiana (although I hear the Hampton's Market there is off the fuckin chain).

This song is entitled "Scene Kids," by the band Scene Kidz. The next song on the playlist is "Punks," by the band Punx.

Let me begin my introducing you to the members, the descriptions are from their MySpace, which is as awesome as you would expect:

:JReck:

:Bad Ass Beats:
:Rap:
:Singer:
(he is also a dad- Happy Father's Day bro, I can't wait until your kids are old enough to throw themselves on a sword when they see pictures of you looking like this)

:EnVy:
:White Girl Rap:
:Singer:
(This girl has pretty awesome hair, but like I said on Metal Inquisition the other day, you can only polish a turd so much... and the harder you try, the more shit you get on your hands, and it's still a turd)

:Spanky:
:Rap:
:Screamer:
:Being A Fag:
(Hey bro, you said it, not me...)

I know what you are thinking: what kind of a fucking name is Scene Kidz? Isn't that like when Dismember imaginatively titled their album "Death Metal"? I'll grant you that it's a bit intellectually lazy, but like Dismember's album, the name doesn't lie. They are indeed scene kids, albeit rather homely Midwest ones. Despite being entry-level in pretty much every respect, these kids definitely know how to get crunk when it comes to their music!



I am not sure how these dorks pulled it off, but they somehow managed to do this song with Se7en from BrokeNCYDE which I have been listening to on repeat all day. Since this blog is about stuff I love, and I'm spending most of this post making fun of these jerks, I should emphasize that I seriously do love this song- in fact, I came dangerously close to buying their album on iTunes before I came to my senses and pirated it.


In any case, obviously at least 90% of the reason you start a crunkcore band is to get laid, and I certainly can't argue with that logic. Scene girls are fucking hot, right? Who wouldn't want to bang a different groupie at every stop of the tour?? Nothing makes me feel more alive than rolling those dice every night, hoping I don't get mouth AIDS from Kimmy Katastrophy or Susie Scene!! So at first I was a little envious of Scene Kidz, especially Spanky (not so much JReck because of what must be his accidental child).

I thought "WTF I bet this little asshole bangs the hottest fucking chicks, why wasn't I in a sweet band like this when I was a kid?!" But then I saw the photo above, and it was like the record skipped, my blood ran cold as reality set in: they'd love you to believe they're getting up in Hannah Beth every night, but the truth is that Spanky has to settle for his porky bandmate to keep him warm at night. I explored the "Fan Creations" album on their MySpace and found some horrors that would make Lovecraft leave the lights on at night:

Apparently Professor Snape likes crunkcore

Protip: You can't stop Tons of Fun here from sending in images like this, but you are not obligated to actually include them in your albums!!

It wasn't just their fan creations that made me think Scene Kidz' lives were not really as crunk as their songs would lead you to believe. Digging deeper, I found some pictures of what seems to be their only "show." Now I have been to some pathetic fucking shows in my day but this looks like a next-level attendance/enthusiasm fail. This beats the infamous Pittsburgh fest of 1996 in terms of public embarrassment! Rent America had nothing on these guys.

"Tha Plaza" has industrial carpet, cheap blinds, and a PA that consists of a single 12" speaker... awesome venue

Both people at the "show" seem to be having a moderately good time as Spanky apologizes for being born.

So there you have it: Nobody's life is truly crunk 24/7. Scene Kidz have a ways to go before they're going to dethrone BC13 from their position as Kings of Crunkcore, but they're still pretty damn good. Maybe one of these days they can ask the assistant manager at Pac Sun for some time off. Spanky and JReck can spend a little time honing their stagecraft while Envy hits the gym.