Scene Girl Reviews: Minor Threat "Discography"

After reviewing the Judge 7", it was only natural for me to ask 20 year-old scene girl YeahYouKnowIt to review another classic hardcore band that I hold near and dear, MINOR THREAT. If you aren't familiar with Minor Threat, you should probably throw yourself on a sword, but if you're too cowardly to do that, at least read up on Wikipedia before proceeding. To make a long story short, they were arguably the best hardcore band of their time (81-83) and invented the phrase "straightedge," although they would rather chop off their dicks than be associated with anything related to the term these days. With that said, enjoy her review and make sure to check out her Hollywood Undead fansite!
- Sgt D



“Straight Edge”
At only 45 seconds, this song accurately depicts how long it takes u and ur buddies to X out the back of your hands with a sharpie. Or in other words, the maximum amount of time u can have fun being straight edge. I feel like a Friday night would go sumthing like this:

Punk A: yooo NLRs wuts we doin 2nite?
Punk B: Jaegerbombs!
Punk C: Dude, not sXe...
Punk B: Hit the bong?
Punk C: Seriously man, NOT sXe...
Punk B: Go eff some college chicks!
Punk C: Dude I just did th-
Punk A: DEFINITELY NOT sXe...
Punk C: Yeah yeah, not sXe...
Punk B: Shave our headz?
Punk A: We did that last night.
Punk C: FUCK....

I’m glad I rly paid close attention to these lyrics, because if I hadn’t I def wouldn’t have caught the “sniffing glue” bit! I feel u on that one, MacKaye! I think it’s funny as hell, but I thought only fat kids and poor ppl did that? I dunno, but like, y waste ur time singing abt them?

I dunno, but I thought u guyz only liked ppl that spoke american./???.?

"Cashing In"
Oooooooooooo!! sum1 is a bad @ss! Look at u bbz! Well guess wut, you’re not the only one who can steal shit. Seriously, I’ve copped like, 3 pairs of earrings from Claire’s – does that make me a minor threat too? Bet you don’t feel as tough now, do u?

And EL-OH-FUCKING-EL!! Making millions?!?! C’mon, if Hollywood Undead isn’t making millions, how can u expect 2? Keep dreamin sport.

P.S. let’s be real. You’re a band, which means you’re a bunch of whiny ass kids who grew up dirt poor (unless you’re Vampy Wknd).. You def dunno how to manage ur $$$$$$, so unlike cool bands who waste their cash on steak dinners, expensive sex and blow, wut do u have to spend it on? I mean, I hear the eBay bidding on old Vegan Reich merch can get pretty intense, but from the pictures I’ve seen, the Adidas zip ups, cargo shorts and Vans slip ons y’all rock can’t be that expensive when you buy them from the Goodwill, right?

One question I had (which Little Friends will later clear up for me): Are the yellow brick road/no place like home references a hint that this bro might be ghey? At first I was like nahhh, when you’re not drinking and shootin up between ur toes I guess there’s not much else to do other than watch the Wizard of Oz and let it inspire the lyrics to shitty songs. Little did I know how wrong I was...


"Think Again"
Wow, I guess sXe kids don’t just run out of things to do, but things to say too! Want 2 tell me 1 more time to think again, cuz all the pig squeals and autotune that come thru my headphones on a regular basis must be finally messing with my eardrums :////

Seriously though, don’t beat urself up, sober kid! We don’t think you’re THAT bad! Sure you’re boring as hell 2 be around and give me dirty looks when I eat chicken McNuggets, but you’re still a nice dude.... mb if I listen to u long enuff I’ll be getting ‘tofu time’ tatted across my knuckles and join u in ur fight to cleanse America or whatevs.. well, mb just the first part..

WAIT. The more I listen to this song I realize you’re actually INSULTING ME! I thought this was supposed to be a song abt bashing u?!?!?1!? Fuck.... NEXT!

Is it weird that this song gets me a lil wound up? I dunno, but since you can’t sleep with anyone, all ur songs must have repressed sexual undertones. U obvs chose the sXe lifestyle because ur shit in the sack, so the thought of banging a newbie has already totes turned me off. To commemorate a lost opportunity btwn the 2 of us, I wrote in my LJ a found poem from the lyrics to Think Again and pasted it here for my reader’s viewing pleasure, plz let me know wut u think:::::

“Too much has been said
A performing yawn
You’re on top
Take another crack
Keep it short
Slap yourself on the back.”

Yeah, I doubt I’m missing out on much...

Unfortunately 4 us ur moms didnt feel that wayy

"Look Back and Laugh"
Speaking of spoken word artists, I heard this song was written about Henry Rollins. Other than his boring show on IFC that my ex-punk uncle watches, I don’t rly know who he is but last semester my creative writing class had to go to some lame-o reading he did of all his whiny poems. I can see why this song was written about him. I bet he and “Mr. Feelings” sit down with a jack and coke on a couch in his mom’s basement and look back at life and laugh. I would too if I founded Black Flag.

I don’t rly get how white supremacy fits into the sXe lifestyle but mb that is my age showing bc obv these guys were down for the white race in a big way. Does anyone know if they’re still ready 4 a race war? I know some dudes from Poughkeepsie who would be mad down to support the cause. They def used to blast some MT to get themselves pumped up b4 they went out to jump ppl or whatevs.

--

I hope my review so far hasnt made ne1 not want to be sXe anymore. I was worried that u guys might be gettin tired of staying true so I made u this lil video. I found all my fave bits of EDGESPIRATION and set it to a kool track that I hope will get u pumped up and inspired to stay gold... Plz cmmnt it and tell me what u think :::]]]]]]]]]

--

"Guilty of Being White"
Now here’s a song I can totally relate to. Although I’m 6% Chinese I still feel culpable for all the lynching and name-calling and other bad stuff my fair-skinned forefathers -- that account for the other 94% of my heritage -- did. While I’m no racist (one of my best friends is half black) I still find myself guilty of being white in some major ways. The chorus to my life would go sumthing like this:

My child’s on the honor roll
GUILTY
Passively accept racist commentary
GUILTY
Own at least three cardigans
GUILTY
Over-explain things to black people
GUILTY
My parents are divorced
GUILTY
Consume racially themed media that makes me feel warm inside (instead of intellectually stimulated)
GUILTY
Feel uncomfortable watching BET
GUILTY

"Out of Step (with the World)"
BAHAHAH! You don’t drink, u don’t smoke, u don’t have sex ..... but at least you can think?!? News flash bb, it’s called multitasking – u kno, like how u manage to dance by flailing your arms and legs while shouting oi at the same time.. I can drink, do drugzzz and fuck my way into oblivion while still getting a near perfect score on the SATs – whatt whaaaaattt motherfucker!?!11?!1! jealz much??///?


Bottled Violence
Look homeeez, don’t hate on the dudes that need a little liquid encouragement, kay? Next time u go out pregame with a few vodka Gatorades at home with ur boys then hit the club. See how much tail u get then.

OH WAIT
U CAN’T :(((((

Mb when u outgrow the whole straightedge phase u can take my advice and tell me how it goes.


"It Follows"
While I applaud ur like, alliterations and stuff, I don’t think ne one knows wut the fuck ur talking abt. Mb I’m too young to have ever known a world without drugs (and the convenience of dealers that deliver) but I feel like regardless u’ve had to have had sum nutzo trips back in the day. Sort of like this or sumthing:

How else could the word soap end up in a punk song?

"Stumped"
Gahhh MT, getting so damn literal with our song titles, huh?? Stumped so accurately describes how I felt listening to dis jam. The intro riff was worthy of a spot on the Guitar Hero training mode, and something I could prob do better on my first day of lessons with my cousin’s Silvertone bundle pack. The introspective hipster poem to follow was fucking LOLworthy.. I’m pretty sure this artist friend of mine wrote something like it on a toilet seat cover and sent it to RISD as his college application essay, only to get accepted and move into a loft in Providence his parents bought him, where he can bang all the slutty art balloons your sXe ass never could..

BUT WAIT!3!12!!31!@3 It’s all okay, right?!? Because “the time has come for everyone to party.... /the time has come for everyone to get down.” HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yeah, alright dude... I’ll bring the Twister, Martin’s got Jenga, Steve’s grabbing some Doritos and Mr. Pibb and we’ll meet at your grandma’s at like, 7:30. Sounds like a fuckin RAGER.


"Small Man, Big Mouth" and "Stand Up"
I don’t rly have much to say about these two. Most of the jokes I’d make, you’ve already made about urself. Although I do like how you’ve made 85% of the words completely inaudible to us all. Kind of makes me nostalgic for other inaudible jamz, but from the likes of Dance Gavin Dance and The Devil Wears Prada – u kno, popular bands that ppl actually like.


"Seeing Red"
FINALLY a song I can get behind! Scene kids are so misunderstood. I swear our big hair is full of secrets. Sure, we’re great at DGAFin’, but we’ve got goals too, like becoming photographers and/or models and/or make up artists. And we’re good ppl – so wut if we choose to spread cheer thru coon stripes and tattoos of various pastries? We’re people too, biiiitches! Our hearts bruise when u call us names;;;; our hair frizzes when u spit on us;; we cry when Millionaires almost get kicked off Warped Tour... See, we’re all alike! No one likes being angry, especially scene kidz. The only red we want to see is Hello Kitty’s hairbow and Blood on the Dancefloor.


"Betray"
You know, I’ll be the first to admit that I value transparency – and not just when it comes to underwear. I like when guys open up, quit the games and say what’s on their mind. But honestly, the level of openness attempted in this song has got me so fucking confused! Do u want her? Are u cutting ties? Wait, no, you’re seeing her tomorrow?!? But it’s over??? MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND BRO!!11!1!!

P.S. Can sum1 @ reply me with wut it means to quit ur race? Is that like, secret Nazi code for interracial dating?


"In My Eyes" and "No Reason"
How does this guy have any frendz? It’s like every casual hang out sesh turns into a fucking bromance. D00d, srsly;;; stop trying to change ur friends. Let them enjoy fucking all the chicks ur not


"Salad Days"
I actually was actually rly feelin this song, although i dunno y? i guess it's about getting old, its kind of comforting bc it reminds me of my ex pnk uncle telling me about how he went to shows back in the day. Wish i could have seen green day at woodstock 99 like he did :((((


"I Don’t Wanna Hear It"
Mb back then ppl needed to hear the same thing 987234x before they got the point, because u guys rly like to repeat urselves. Or mb u just ran out of ideas, i dunno... but rly dudes, come on.. Is redundancy and predictability mandatory of all skinhead straightedge Nazi punks? I can’t believe the great Pete Wentz, king of catchy and obscure song titles, was ever one of you guys. Skillz like that must come from screwing talented people like Ashlee Simps.. Maybe yall just need some action, although I doubt you could keep a gf anyways – us gurls talk a lot and if u don’t want 2 hear it, well that’s just not gunna work bb.

"Little Friend"
WOAHHH big ups Ian! To say “no description for what I feel.. it’s something gay, way down inside of me” is one hell of a way to come out. I mean, I sort of felt sum fggty undertones in a few of the other tracks but I thought Neo-Nazis hated the gayz just as much as the Jewzzz... It’s rly cool that u can look past that tho and accept urself 4 who u are. It’s like how I can look past the one beardo in AD2R and not skip them on last.fm

The lyrics that follow ur coming out rly help open my eyes 2 the difficulty and inner turmoil that come with being ghey. Even tho I did kiss my bff Nicole at an after-prom party I don’t think I’ve ever known the struggles of not understanding my sexual identity.

Although I love the gayz as much as Gaga, I was a little creeped out by ur overshare at the end. I rly don’t need 2 kno how deep inside u ur “little friend” is, kay bb? I would like to know if he has nice hair, skinnies, tats and sum gauges;;; cuz then id totally tune into ur live.

The verdict:

This band def knew what they were talking abt when they named themselvz Minor Threat, bcuz that's exactly what they r.. Not too violent, not too cool, not too talented -- not too much of anything. While sum songs were good, they only posed a minor threat in shaking my from my scene lifestyle.

With that being said, MT really understands the scene. Even tho we can't rly hear what they''re saying usually, I think they'd be down for the crunk kids 2day.. Or at least be mad jealz of us and tag along to our bbqs. So congratzz Minor Threat, u beat Judge and have earned

3 out of 5 flatirons

Don't celebrate too hard ;)

JUDGE responds to Scene Girl Reviews

You can imagine how stoked I was to see an email in my inbox titled "I was in Judge." I was even more stoked once I actually read it and saw that it was from Judge guitarist Lars Weiss and that he enjoyed YeahYouKnowIt's review of the Judge 7" the other day. Oh, and that he doesn't hate crunkcore.

If you are old, you understand that Lars is a hardcore vet who has done time in legendary bands like Side By Side, Alone In A Crowd, Uppercut and of course Judge. If you're one of the younger kids who reads this site and don't understand exactly how well-respected and awesome these bands are, read this interview with Lars from Double Crossed and learn. Let me be perfectly clear: I make a lot of jokes, but I fucking love hardcore and I always will. Lars seems to be on the same page, and I am definitely stoked to hear from someone who was in some bands that mean a lot to me. Thanks bro, if you're ever in town hit me up and we will get fucking crunk!

--

Lars is the guitarist with Tony Hawk hair in this video for Judge's "Where It Went." If you don't think this is a lolfactory, you are in the No Fun Club.

Here is his email:

Hey,

I was in Judge for minute (I played guitar on the summer 1990 tour & "The Storm" ep) and I just had to let you know that Scene Girl's review had me dying. So funny on many, many different levels, most of which have been touched upon in the comments on your blog and the livewire records board. Totally surreal reading an extra-long text message making fun of Mike for wearing raver pants. I really want to see what she thinks of "Screaming for Change"....

Anyway, I still see Sammy on the regular. Can't wait to tell him about the post.

Btw, I've checked out the blog before and I dig it. I too am an old dude who keeps up with new stuff. For awhile, my taste leaned towards (for lack of a better term) "hipster rap" -- Fools Gold/ Mad Decent, etc., but now I feel that shit is kinda weak. I still keep up with dancehall and beardo house stuff like Rub'n'Tug, Map of Africa, DJ Harvey but those dudes are older than me! Always looking for something new to get excited about. I have to say I found out about crunkcore from StuffYouWillHate and while I don't exactly "like" it, it does fascinate me.

Anyway, keep up the good work...

Lars

--

One of the funniest hardcore songs of all time, "When Tigers Fight" by the highly underrated and highly fucking awesome Alone In A Crowd

I hope Sammy is also stoked. I am a big fan of his work, especially the bowling shirts he rocked in the layout for the CIV record! Lars continues in a second email in which we discussed the finer points of hardcore lolfactories and crunkcore:

You're right about "When Tigers Fight" [being a lolfactory]-- Drago, Carl (Killing Time dudes) and I were dying in the studio when we recorded it! Drago even came up with the idea and overdubbed the little "ding" that you hear when Jules says "There ain't gonna be no bell...".

...

As far as Crunkcore, I mean how can you not be interested in anything (Lil Wayne included) that involves a lot of tattoos and autotune.. Plus, I'm for ever searching for great Rap/ Rock hybrids (I've always though Leeway should have been huge & Fred Durst should still be tatooing in FL somewhere) and maybe one of those kids could do it. I mean some white kid's gonna have much more of a feel for hip hop than Pharrell (or Lil' Wayne)does for punk rock...

Thanks Lars, I'm glad to hear that you and I both know how to have fun despite being fossils! Oh, and a giant high five for coining the phrase BEARDO HOUSE. A++++

Scene Girl Reviews: JUDGE 7"

Interview with Lars on Double Crossed

B9 thread about the review

Livewire Records thread

Absolute Punk thread

Scene Girl Reviews: Judge "New York Crew" 7"

Nothing is more annoying than when old people cling to the past. For example, we often think that old bands/records are classics just because we grew up with them, unable to see their obvious, glaring flaws. To make sure we aren't blinded by the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia, we created a reoccurring feature on SYWH called Scene Girl Reviews. To help us stay young, 20 year-old scene balloon YeahYouKnowIt reviews old hardcore, punk, and metal records and tells it like it is. In the first installment, she reviews a record that I love very much, the Judge "New York Crew" 7". If you're a little kid and don't know about Judge, peep their Wikipedia entry to get up to speed. Please check out her site, Fuck Yeah Hollywood Undead, and comment on what you'd like her to review next!


"New York Crew"
Being born and raised in the empire state, I thought it fitting that my first taste of Judge’s EP be their song "New York Crew."

Let me start by saying wowww dudes – this song was a fuckin lolfactory for me! Let’s just say things have really changed in the city since you wrote this song. For starters, the only people that wear chains around their waist now are delivery guys. While I’m sure you had a pretty sweet Huffy back in the day, you couldn’t really get away with the chained-waist look anymore. Mb some candy dunks and pants that actually fit would be good additions to the construction gloves you mention, which are an always win – especially since I hear the old ladies really eat up that handy-man look...



While on the subject of archaic lyrics, I can’t ignore the Tompkins Square park reference. Did you have like a hardcore handball team or something? Because that’s about as threatening as this place gets now. I mean, I see dudes in long sleeves and Oakleys playing there all the time – usually when I’m walking through on my way to do Sunday morning yoga on the green.

Once the lyrics started up, I couldn’t stop laughing! Srsly, what was with that fucking "You lost my respect" line? You might as well have been saying “You made me pout in the corner for like, a little while..."

I don’t know what type of shit went down there before I was born, but I hear there’s still some fun to be had. The annual summer "Cracktöberfest" can get pretty crazy, say some of my sources... That’s your scene, right?? I mean like, punk and metal are practically interchangeable now.. I soooo bet you do a little yearly reunion with all your straight edge friends or something and have Sergeant D make you up some sweet matching shirts, right?



"Fed Up"
Are you srsly joking with me? We know you’re sober, kid! And big ups to you – I bet your straight-edge friends are all realll cool. But honestly, you’re not selling the lifestyle very well. The only thing a scene kid would take from this is that by putting down the pipe he might one day be lucky enough to be as old, moody and bitter as you. Yeah, I think he’d be more likely to take the advice of BC13 and say “if you ain't a down motha fucka then go back home. Get crunk up in the club. Poppin bottles of patron.” I mean, c’mon Judge... Y SO SRS?

Also, I don't blame this dude you’re screaming at in the song for making fun of you. If some chubby bald dude wrote me a roid-fueled Dear John letter to end our dealer/party buddy relationship I’d probably call him a pussy too. I can close my eyes and just imagine this guy looking at u and being like "Honestly, dude, I really don't give a shit if you buy from me anymore. Your goatee was starting to give me a weird vibe anyways.” And what could u do about it? His coked out ass could outrun u in a heartbeat, especially with u and yr friends getting all tripped up on yr 3XL JNCOs.

The only people that wear chains around their waist now are delivery guys.

Although I’m too young to have ever been part of a generation that actually paid for music, I can’t imagine anyone would shell out $1.29 on iTunes to hear u get yr panties twisted over some junkie friend. Go try to save someone that actually might accept help from you – like the blind, or better yet, the deaf.

"I’ve Lost"
Casey Calvert must have been looking down on me tonight when it came time to review this song. Miraculously I read the lyrics before pressing play, and for your sake more than mine, I’m glad I did. The lyrics to this song, hands down, are fucking golden, but if I had encountered them first in the actual song, I would have had a keyboard covered in spit and diet Snapple from laughing so hard. I can’t imagine how anyone could ever deliberately determine the placement of these mid-verse pauses. All I can suggest is a Prolixin cocktail until they come out with a cure for Tourette's, buddy.

Imagine what YeahYouKnowIt would say about Old Smoke lololol

"In My Way"
Well this song started out promising. The beginning breakdown totally sounded worthy of a sampling by Bring Me The Horizon, but once the lyrics started up, I couldn’t stop laughing! Srsly, what was with that fucking “You lost my respect” line? You might as well have been saying “You made me pout in the corner for like, a little while...” instead. Lol@ how your tough guy street-cred def went down a notch. And the rest of the lyrics only bruised your rep even more – you know that “I guess you can call me obsessed” line towards the end that you tried to cover up with a clever overlap. We all heard it bbz!

I came away from this song thinking about how cute straight edge was -- I can’t believe it was actually trendy! Like, it’s funny as hell knowing this guy stopped doing drugs before I could even say the word quaaludes...



"Warriors"
Now what kind of scene girl would I be if I didn’t end things on a happy note, right? That’s why I’ve saved Warriors for last. This song is the epitome of modern day scream-scene. Just look at these fucking sceney keywords bby;;;;;;;

sun
wasteland
blood on the streets
diamond
pride
fire
shine
wounds
ride
love
bouquet of barbed wire
the

It just goes on and on. I luv it! The only thing missing is the confidence factor. Reminding someone to “never forget” you is pretty weak. Clearly if you were hardcore warriors u wouldn’t have to, uhh, remind people to remember you...

The verdict
While the band isn’t completely shiteous, I still can’t find many redeeming characteristics that would make scene kids swoon. That’s why I’m going to give "New York Crew"




2. 5 out of 5 flatirons.

Those two and a half scene points can be attributed to a) the fact that Judge has a Myspace (fingers crossed for a Stickam in 2010!!) b) despite the moody 14-year-old girl lyrics you can tell they have passion, and c) fuckin Warriors, man. I swear, I don’t even know how they came up with that track after writing those other songs...